Gift Exchange Question - What do you think?

[Lisa71]

We draw names for the adults and the kids get plenty..we have talked about drawing two kids each next year...my friend for years has had a theme and dollar limit: homemade, shiny, gift cards, etc.

 

[tina.tina]

I am going to write the same advice I gave to my sister when she said she just couldn't handle coming to Thanksgiving dinner this year.

We are harder on ourselves than anyone else is. We want to make everyone happy and we can't. For whatever reason you don't want to go, if it makes you that uncomfortable, you need to take responsibility for your own happiness. Just be sure the decision you make is the right one for you. If you do whatever makes you happiest, nobody can make you feel guilty because it was the right decision for you and your family.

She didn't come to dinner and everything is fine. I told my parents that she's having a hard time and has to do what's best for her. I never heard anything about it afterward so apparently everyone was okay with it.

 

[islandtimect]

In our family the adults pick a name and exchange a gift. Our limit is $75, and most of us spend $75. I am a good shopper, so whoever receives my gift does well. One sister generally spends less, but everyone knows shes cheap and expects it. whatever...

 

[pjlla]

Oh my GOSH! I never imagined that there could be THAT MANY takes on this idea!

To my family we just say to "spend" about $10-15. Some folks, like me, go nuts with the coupons and bargains and try to offer a gift with the most bang for the buck! One year I found an absolutely AMAZING deal on a Barbie Dream house type thing at TRU in the fall. It was something like a $100 item for about $30. I bought it for my niece even though the gift limit was $30.... I only spent the $30 so I didn't feel like I was "cheating" but now I see that some folks might have thought that wasn't a good idea.

But others CLEARLY just buy the first thing that they find that fits the minimum of the limit and go for it.

My (female) grab gift for this year is a Murano glass bead bracelet (similar to a Pandora) I got online for a STEAL at $10 (stated value was about $89, but I'm not sure it was really worth that much), and an LL Bean stainless steel water bottle for $5 (it had the 100 year logo on it from last year, so it was on clearance.... regular price was $15). But I will probably go just a smidge over the limit and put some chocolates (Christmas Kisses bought on sale with a coupon) in the water bottle for some added fun.

So my gift has an actual retail value of about $107..... does that make me a cheater? Or just a great bargain hunter?

Here's another thought (just playing Devil's advocate here).....

I recently bought about $300 worth of like-new Fiesta Ware at the Goodwill (for about $40). I bought it with the idea of keeping some and selling some (and have already sold several pieces). If someone ELSE had seen that and bought it for me (since I love Fiesta Ware) and spent the gift limit but gave me a gift obviously valued much higher, would that be bad? Would most folks frown on that? Obviously, I (as the recipient) would be DELIGHTED!
.................P

 

[disney1990]

To me, this means the value of the gift should not exceed $25. I take it this way because that is what it means for us at work for the Dirty Santa gift exchange. Because we have supervisors and managers participating, and the maximum value of a gift from a subordinate to a supervisor is capped at $10, if I find a great deal on something on Black Friday and pay $5 for a $10 value gift, that is all I can give in that exchange.

I can only equate a limit in gift giving to my workplace practice becuase we don't do big grab bags or whatever in my family - it is not large enough to justify such a thing.

Agreed. The value of the gift should not exceed the $ limit. Not everybody can shop around to find great specials and I wouldn't want to make anybody feel like they didn't spend enough. It's the thought that counts.

As far as being quilted into the party, I would say, I think you should go because your relatives are getting up in years. However, I don't think you have to participate in the gift exchange if you don't wish to.

 

[ceecee]

Here's an idea...take your grandpa to dinner or take dinner over to his house and spend time with him with just your family. Then skip the 50+ party that sounds dreadful! I would be tempted to go out of town for Christmas instead of doing that. They must have a very large house!

 

[tyniknate]

Here's an idea...take your grandpa to dinner or take dinner over to his house and spend time with him with just your family. Then skip the 50+ party that sounds dreadful! I would be tempted to go out of town for Christmas instead of doing that. They must have a very large house!

The gathering has gotten so large that we now have to rent a hall to have it. The only good thing about that is that we can't have the party on Christmas Day by doing it that way. We actually have it the weekend after Christmas.

I've made up my mind to go and have fun this year, but I've already warned my mother that this is our last year participating. We will spend Christmas Day with my immediate family (mom, dad, sisters & their families) and exchange gifts, but that will be it. No more huge family Christmas party for us.

My DH & the boys will make arrangements to spend time with my grandfather at another time. I love the idea of making a meal and taking it to eat with him.

Thanks to everyone for your help! I told my sister (who hates this party as much as I do) what my plan is and she is doing the same thing. My mom is disapponted, but will eventually get over it.

 

[powellrj]

I don't know if I am just feeling sad and sentimental today, but the last part of your post made me sad. Is there anyway just you and your Dsis could go with your mom to the party and leave your family behind? Now that my mom has dementia, I spend a huge amount of time with just my mom and dad and not my family. When mom is having a good day, its lots of fun ti sit around and tell stories that we love and nobody else cares about. Maybe if you and your sister could go with mom, it could be your own little family time and you may find you are having a good time not worrying if your family is having a good time.

 

[crisi]

I don't know if I am just feeling sad and sentimental today, but the last part of your post made me sad. Is there anyway just you and your Dsis could go with your mom to the party and leave your family behind? Now that my mom has dementia, I spend a huge amount of time with just my mom and dad and not my family. When mom is having a good day, its lots of fun ti sit around and tell stories that we love and nobody else cares about. Maybe if you and your sister could go with mom, it could be your own little family time and you may find you are having a good time not worrying if your family is having a good time.

It may be you are reading your family into hers (which we all do). I don't picture this being Mom spending time with her kids - but mom spending time with her siblings - something that as we age we get to do less often and value more, while the next generation looks awkwardly at their cousins and thinks "there goes Sarah bragging about her high profile job and all her money, yeah, I'd get to talk endlessly about my trip to Paris if I went to law school and married a cardiologist" - "there is Nicole, is that her THIRD husband? I'll need to ask Cathy, I think she said something about not having married this one" "Boy, it doesn't look like Stevie has stopped drinking yet." "Patrick is as handsome as ever, that man doesn't age." "That ***** that Jim married still has no control over those hoodlums of hers." Or worse, they say it aloud. And the third generation simply thinks "His mom let HIM bring an iPad, I don't know any of these people, why am I here."

 

[mjkacmom]

Shop like you always have. First of all, Kohls really really really marks up the price, and everything is always on sale, and there are tons of coupons. You probably spent $24 on a $30 wallet.

I'd also probably just keep attending. It's one day a year - my grandmother passed when she was 95, but we'd all do anything to make her happy! At the very least, it makes for good stories years later. Then again, my mom's brother died, her sister and her family live one hour away, and we haven't seen them in years. I'd love to have more family around.

 

[momof2gr8kids]

A few years back at work we cut out the gift exchanges and bought stuff for Christmas Cheer hampers. Really, no one needed any extra non personalized "stuff".

Maybe you can suggest something like that - $10 a person worth of canned goods or something to donate to those less fortunate. I wouldn't be surprised if others in the family are secretly thinking the same thing and wishing someone would pipe up! LOL Much less stressful, but you still can get together and enjoy each other's company.

 

[nunzia]

We have gotten where we do a White Elephant type of thing, but not junk..we focus on consumables..food, wine, candy, etc., or gift cards, movie tickets. Works great and since it's done White Elephant style there is lots of trading so you can end up with soemthing nice. This year for DH and myself I have A Duck Dynasty bag (2 bottle of Duck Commander Wine, 2 DD drinking glasses and DD beef Jerky in a DD gift bag), and the 2nd bag is a wine mix that you freeze to make a slushy drink and a big bag of green chile pistachios (we have several pistachio farms here so lots of good local product from them). Much more fun than trying to figure out what people want. I always bring stuff I'd like so If I have to I can just get my own bag.

 

[tyniknate]

It may be you are reading your family into hers (which we all do). I don't picture this being Mom spending time with her kids - but mom spending time with her siblings - something that as we age we get to do less often and value more, while the next generation looks awkwardly at their cousins and thinks "there goes Sarah bragging about her high profile job and all her money, yeah, I'd get to talk endlessly about my trip to Paris if I went to law school and married a cardiologist" - "there is Nicole, is that her THIRD husband? I'll need to ask Cathy, I think she said something about not having married this one" "Boy, it doesn't look like Stevie has stopped drinking yet." "Patrick is as handsome as ever, that man doesn't age." "That ***** that Jim married still has no control over those hoodlums of hers." Or worse, they say it aloud. And the third generation simply thinks "His mom let HIM bring an iPad, I don't know any of these people, why am I here."

This is exactly it! You put into words what I couldn't. The siblings should enjoy their time together and find ways to do it without dragging all of the cousins who don't even know each other into the mix.

 

[4HppyCamprs]

It's probably too late OP for this year. However, what my sister and sisters-in-law, nieces and nephews decided early last year (like late Sept), was that each parent bring a small gift for their own kids (under the age of 10).

For the rest of the adults, we did a cookie and recipe exchange. I provided themed holiday trays and a recipe box for each family. My sister and sister-in-law brought moms' and grandmothers' collection of recipes and we laughed as well as cried our way through them. It was so low keyed but loved the focus on the family and remembrance of simpler times.

Great idea!!

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