Getting this off my chest

[Magic Mom]

I typically hate MIL bashing threads, and my MIL is a good MIL for the most part. But this has been building up.

To my MIL,
It's your money and your time. You can spend it on anyone you want, but why do you think it's OK to tell my kids all about how much time and money you spend on your other grandkids, when you do so very little for them. It's just your nature to be more loving and attentive and generous to the grandchildren that live near you, but you don't need to share it with us. And while I'm at it, at least pretend to be interested when mine tell you about the race they did well in or the award they got at school. You wonder why they aren't interested in spending time with you over the summer...it's because you haven't put anything into building a relatinship with them. The biggest thing they know about you is that you love to shop for and talk about their cousin. My son is 19 and you still call him the wrong name most of the time!

We all love you, but you reap what you sow. We won't be visiting when your son is home on R&R.

 

[DawnCt1]

I could have written that note many, many times. I still could write that note. The difference is, my MIL lives about the same distance from all of her grandchildren and she has always had her favorites. There's an "A" Team, A "B" Team and then there is the "farm team". Our kids have always been the farm team. She has no problem giving kids from the three different families who are essentially the same age, gifts of OBVIOUSLY different quality and value. But you are right, she reaps what she sows.

 

[golfgal]

Sounds like my mom

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Unload away.

 

[luvflorida]

I typically hate MIL bashing threads, and my MIL is a good MIL for the most part. But this has been building up.

To my MIL,
It's your money and your time. You can spend it on anyone you want, but why do you think it's OK to tell my kids all about how much time and money you spend on your other grandkids, when you do so very little for them. It's just your nature to be more loving and attentive and generous to the grandchildren that live near you, but you don't need to share it with us. And while I'm at it, at least pretend to be interested when mine tell you about the race they did well in or the award they got at school. You wonder why they aren't interested in spending time with you over the summer...it's because you haven't put anything into building a relatinship with them. The biggest thing they know about you is that you love to shop for and talk about their cousin. My son is 19 and you still call him the wrong name most of the time!

We all love you, but you reap what you sow. We won't be visiting when your son is home on R&R.

I've read similar threads over the years and I just don't understand why adults do things like this.

I only have one grandson, so maybe I'm not qualified to give an opinion, but I can't imagine treating grandchildren (or any children for that matter) so unfairly. I am so thankful that my parents (nine grandchildren) and my husband's parents (six grandchildren) didn't play favorites.

So sorry your family has to deal with such hurtfulness and pettiness.

 

[worm761]

Some people are just crazy. Boyfriends mother actually made the statement that the only one that matters in our family is DD. Which means that my DS from another relationship does NOT matter! I was beyone PO'ed. BUT she didn't stop there. She goes on to say the her family (as in her and boyfriends step father) are more important than my family and should come first and that eventually DD will have to choose between the families. Needless to say, I no longer make it a priority to spend our very precious vacation time traveling to see her.

 

[DawnM]

So sorry.

My MIL is very much the same and will give the world to her granddaughters and treat her grandsons (mine are all boys) like crap.

Dawn

 

[tigercat]

I have 5 grandkids and try very hard to treat them all the same. Unfortunately the oldest 2 don't seem to come around right now. My dd their Mum had decided that I have done something, not done something, said something, not said something I really don't know. She does this and the rest of the family never find out what it is that happened. We all walk on eggshells with her. I am getting tired of it. The oldest grandkids though are getting older (16 and 11) so some of their not coming over is that they have a lot going on. I still try and will keep trying as I used to babysit them while their mum worked up until about 3 years ago. I think this last problem with my dd might be that I told her that if she could drive my dgrd to school I would pick her up. I had been doing both but my dd finally got a car and was home all day so I thought that it would save some gas for me as well I had to work everything around school times. That didn't go over very well. Who knows. Playing favourites is just not right. I ended up not taking my kids to see my fil because of it. My husband was fine with it.
tigercat

 

[Wishing on a star]

Totally understand!

Sometimes, some MIL's are just that way.... sigh.....

 

[MIGrandma]

So very sorry you have to deal with that.

Maybe you should send her that exact same message in an e-mail, or note?

I can't imagine playing favorites with grandchildren. I have 5 and I do see 4 of them more often than the youngest grandson, but that is only because his mother is a....well, I can't say that here. We only get to see him when his Dad (our DS) has him. But, at birthdays and Christmas we spend the same amount of $$ on each one. If we take a trip and buy a gift for one grandchild, we buy something of equal value for each one.

Now, our oldest granddaughter will be graduating from high school next spring so she will be our first to give $$ to for that reason. The rest, of course, won't get anything at that time. But, they will get the same amount of $$ when it is their turn to graduate. And I may help her out with a few things for her dorm, and we'll probably take her out to eat now and then, but we will do the same for the others when it is their turn.

We are planning to have our will re-written soon (we wrote it 32 years ago, so it's outdated) and we'd like to leave something to each grandchild, $$ of equal value for each. No favorites.

But to brag to one grandchild about how much you give/do for another, that is just wrong.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

I typically hate MIL bashing threads, and my MIL is a good MIL for the most part. But this has been building up.

To my MIL,
It's your money and your time. You can spend it on anyone you want, but why do you think it's OK to tell my kids all about how much time and money you spend on your other grandkids, when you do so very little for them. It's just your nature to be more loving and attentive and generous to the grandchildren that live near you, but you don't need to share it with us. And while I'm at it, at least pretend to be interested when mine tell you about the race they did well in or the award they got at school. You wonder why they aren't interested in spending time with you over the summer...it's because you haven't put anything into building a relatinship with them. The biggest thing they know about you is that you love to shop for and talk about their cousin. My son is 19 and you still call him the wrong name most of the time!

We all love you, but you reap what you sow. We won't be visiting when your son is home on R&R.

Have you ever talked to her about this? Maybe she doesn't realize what she does?

 

[padams]

Proximity to the grandkids does not always mean the closer ones are favored.

MIL's favors the out of state grandchildren. We live just a few miles away from her. DSs are old enough to see the favoritism on their own. Needless to say, they aren't wild about spending time with MIL. Of course, she wonders why.

MIL's favoritism among the grandkids was predictable because she plays favorites with her children.

 

[Disney Doll]

I have always said people reap what they so and that kids aren't stupid and will pick up on it. The day my kids' grandmother said to me "Why don't your kids want to spend any time with me?" would be the day I said "Well, do you blame them?You treated them like 2nd class citizens all their life & now you expect them to fall all over you?".

 

[pilotwife_02]

I have the same problem with my IL's. My inlaws live out of state, but are retired and travel a lot. We just don't live in "cool enough" area to attract them. In fact the other day DS4 told me his Nana doesn't love him anymore because she doesn't come see him

We told him that wasn't true and DH called her immediately to let her know this and she tried making excuses. We finally had to tell her to stop promising phone calls/visits to the kids because she never keeps her promises and it's not fair to the boys. She'll be available maybe once a month for a phone call/Skype but will promise to call the next day and then won't so we'll call her and she'll be out shopping or with her other grandchildren.

I'm done trying to make excuses for her and going out of my way to visit them when we visit other family. Usually they are too busy when we are in the area as well. It makes me sad for my kids, but it's her loss.

 

[4nana]

Send it!!

I'm always sorry to read of those who unfairly have to deal with ridiculous childish games like this . How very sad for the dear children involved.
Parents, please speak up, let them know this is no way to treat your children, for if you don't protect them, who will?

We have quite a few grands (6 local -7 out of state) and try to treat them fairly in as many aspects as possible. Needless to say, it takes some creativity for out of state grands, but we manage to find ways . As a grandparent I simply can't imagine doing it any other way.

Hanging head in shame , I will admit getting tongue tied at times on certain names ...believe me, it isn't easy having 3 daughters that begin with 'T' or 3 grands that being with 'R' ! But, such is life, and hopefully I'm forgiven, as at 63yo my memory simply isn't as sharp as it once was!

 

[Magic Mom]

It's not worth it to tell her. And honestly, I don't care (most of the time) how she spends her time and money. we have always lived far away so it didn't impact the kids when they were younger and more sensetive. What gets me is that she talks NONSTOP about one particular grandchild. No matter what I say about my kids she can find some way to segway back into conversation about the other. She even does this with DD. As if my daughter wants to spend 20 minutes listening to how wonderful her cousin is or how narrow her cousins feet are.

Dh just laughs at me and says "Then why do you answer her phone calls?? I don't."

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

 

[Disney Doll]

Send it!!

I'm always sorry to read of those who unfairly have to deal with ridiculous childish games like this . How very sad for the dear children involved.
Parents, please speak up, let them know this is no way to treat your children, for if you don't protect them, who will?

We have quite a few grands (6 local -7 out of state) and try to treat them fairly in as many aspects as possible. Needless to say, it takes some creativity for out of state grands, but we manage to find ways . As a grandparent I simply can't imagine doing it any other way.

Hanging head in shame , I will admit getting tongue tied at times on certain names ...believe me, it isn't easy having 3 daughters that begin with 'T' or 3 grands that being with 'R' ! But, such is life, and hopefully I'm forgiven, as at 63yo my memory simply isn't as sharp as it once was!

Please...my grandmother had scads of grandchildren and she'd invaribly go hrough mot of the girls names every time she was talking to one of us. I was NaDePaPatty (Nancy DeeDee & Pammy were my 3 cousins who lived around here) for years. Conversely they'd be DeePaPatNancy or NaPamPatDee or whatever...

 

[Magic Mom]

I totally understand mixing up your grand kids names. My grandmother did it to me and my cousins. That's not MIL's issue. She has never seemed to process that DS's name is Shane and not Sean. If you ask what his name is, she knows, she just can't call him that when she address's him.

 

[crashbb]

Please...my grandmother had scads of grandchildren and she'd invaribly go hrough mot of the girls names every time she was talking to one of us. I was NaDePaPatty (Nancy DeeDee & Pammy were my 3 cousins who lived around here) for years. Conversely they'd be DeePaPatNancy or NaPamPatDee or whatever...

Heck, my parents and aunt and uncle often go through a bunch of names when addressing one of us (generally just ending with "you there").

I know that my grandparents loved me, but I was definitely the "C-team". Funny, there were four of us (me and my brother and my two cousins) and I was alone on the C-team. My brother (first grandchild) was definitely the A-team and everyone knew it. My two cousins were the B-team (my grandmother did once say to me - "their parents are divorced, they need more attention"). And then there was me.

However, I do have to admit that even being their C-team, I know that they loved me and it sounds like they paid a heck of a lot more attention to me than the OP's children are getting from their MIL.