Getting over not having certain experiences?

[browneyes106]

I can't read the whole thread (anyone else getting 503 errors?) so I apologize if someone else has said this, but I don't think you really miss the experiences. I think you miss being close enough friends with someone that they would ask you to be part of those experiences. A lot of people are brushing off your concerns by saying "it's no fun being in a wedding anyway," but that's not the point, is it? You want someone to like you enough to ASK.

I do miss not being close enough to be asked by friends and there were several times that I thought I would be asked because a few of the times I felt and still think I have a close relationship with those friends because I was there for them through their times of need.

 

[lillygator]

If I could just ask - what exactly is it you are looking for on this thread?

I would invite you to read over everything that has been written. I know it is a very long thread now but go ahead and read. And this time please notice that every piece of advice or comment that has been given to you is immediately met by you with denial or negativity.

You aren't listening or trying to understand ....

You feel how you feel over this wedding thing, I'm not going to fight with you over that. BUT if you aren't willing to change anything that you are doing, you aren't willing to try and look objectively over how others might see how you act, you aren't willing to try and develop a positive attitude, you aren't willing to talk to your therapist about the problem ... you pretty much aren't willing to do anything at all other than continue to feel depressed,

then there just isn't anything to be gained by this. For you or the people who have taken the time out of their day to answer your questions.

KWIM?

excellent post.....OP I hope you read this one.

 

[browneyes106]

Read RitaE's post above...
I want to say this gently -- a good therapist will help you be someone that your friends and relatives want to invite to do things. Talk to him/her about this stuff, not your friends and relatives, at least initially. Once you have a better handle on it, then you can talk to those who need to be talked to.

I'm considering going back to therapy but in the future I wouldn't talk to my friends or relatives about how I was left out in the past

 

[WDSearcher]

I've read through this whole thread, and my comment is that you need to stop waiting for people to ask you to do something and you start asking them.

No, you can't ask them if you can be in their wedding, but come ON! You want to make friends, you want to forge relationships. Throw a party. Invite people over to watch a favorite TV show. Start a book club. Do something you enjoy and invite other people to do it with you. You will make no friends complaining and saying "Woe is me." The only way to make friends is to go out there and DO STUFF.

When your boyfriend tells you how much fun he's having at so-and-so's wedding, say, "I'm glad you're having fun. I'm heading out to book club. See ya!" Find something to do to take your mind off of all the things you think you don't have. Find a place that needs you -- because there are plenty of them out there -- and help someone else. Donate to an animal shelter. Volunteer for a soup kitchen. Meet people who truly have nothing and maybe you'll understand how much you do have. And then suddenly not being in a wedding will be a lot less important.

Stop thinking about what you haven't done and start doing things that will get you to where you want to be. You cannot change other people to "make" them include you. You can, however, choose to make changes in your life to get you there on your own.

 

[DisMN]

I do miss not being close enough to be asked by friends and there were several times that I thought I would be asked because a few of the times I felt and still think I have a close relationship with those friends because I was there for them through their times of need.

Your friends are NOT mind readers. They do not know you'd like to be asked. Solve the problem by coming right out and saying you'd be interested in joining them. Why sit there and wait to be invited when they simply don't think to do it?

 

[browneyes106]

I've read through this whole thread, and my comment is that you need to stop waiting for people to ask you to do something and you start asking them.

No, you can't ask them if you can be in their wedding, but come ON! You want to make friends, you want to forge relationships. Throw a party. Invite people over to watch a favorite TV show. Start a book club. Do something you enjoy and invite other people to do it with you. You will make no friends complaining and saying "Woe is me." The only way to make friends is to go out there and DO STUFF.

When your boyfriend tells you how much fun he's having at so-and-so's wedding, say, "I'm glad you're having fun. I'm heading out to book club. See ya!" Find something to do to take your mind off of all the things you think you don't have. Find a place that needs you -- because there are plenty of them out there -- and help someone else. Donate to an animal shelter. Volunteer for a soup kitchen. Meet people who truly have nothing and maybe you'll understand how much you do have. And then suddenly not being in a wedding will be a lot less important.

Stop thinking about what you haven't done and start doing things that will get you to where you want to be. You cannot change other people to "make" them include you. You can, however, choose to make changes in your life to get you there on your own.

I do volunteer with Special Olympics with my boyfriend. A lot of my friends and relatives know my interests. They know I like football and they never invite me to go to college or NFL games. It's harder me to invite friends to come over because some of them now have children.

 

[mrsklamc]

I do volunteer with Special Olympics with my boyfriend. A lot of my friends and relatives know my interests. They know I like football and they never invite me to go to college or NFL games. It's harder me to invite friends to come over because some of them now have children.

So say 'hey can we take the kids to the park?' And volunteer somewhere without your boyfriend. If he's that vivacious you may need to develop your own friends somewhere where he doesn't overshadow you.

Knowing your interests doesn't obligate them to invite you.

YOU need to take some initiative to fix your problems instead of blaming others or ignoring the advice given, or making excuses of why it won't work. Period.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

I do volunteer with Special Olympics with my boyfriend. A lot of my friends and relatives know my interests. They know I like football and they never invite me to go to college or NFL games. It's harder me to invite friends to come over because some of them now have children.

So?

I was one of the first people in my group to have a kid and my friends would go out with me and my daughter all the time. Find something that is child friendly and then initiate a "play date."

If you want to do an adults only activity then make sure you start making plans early so they can make childcare arrangements.

 

[WDSearcher]

I do volunteer with Special Olympics with my boyfriend. A lot of my friends and relatives know my interests. They know I like football and they never invite me to go to college or NFL games. It's harder me to invite friends to come over because some of them now have children.

You seem to have an excuse for every suggestion someone gives you. No matter what people suggest, you have a reason why it won't work. You have to TRY. People will not come to you. Stop coming up with reasons and just do something.

"They know I like football and they never invite me to go to games." Well ... geez. I wouldn't either based on what I've read here. You have an excuse for everything ... you'd probably have an excuse for why you couldn't go to the game.

If you want to join your friends for a game, call them and tell them. If you want to invite your friends over, call them and invite them. If they can't come because of the kids, then offer to go over there. Tell them to bring the kids. Find a place to meet where you can your friends can talk while the kids play.

And really ... if these friends aren't the friends you need them to be, make new friends. Special Olympics is great, but it's ONE THING. Find something else. Do something without your boyfriend for a change. Just do SOMETHING.

 

[C.Ann]

You seem to have an excuse for every suggestion someone gives you. No matter what people suggest, you have a reason why it won't work. You have to TRY. People will not come to you. Stop coming up with reasons and just do something.

"They know I like football and they never invite me to go to games." Well ... geez. I wouldn't either based on what I've read here. You have an excuse for everything ... you'd probably have an excuse for why you couldn't go to the game.

If you want to join your friends for a game, call them and tell them. If you want to invite your friends over, call them and invite them. If they can't come because of the kids, then offer to go over there. Tell them to bring the kids. Find a place to meet where you can your friends can talk while the kids play.

And really ... if these friends aren't the friends you need them to be, make new friends. Special Olympics is great, but it's ONE THING. Find something else. Do something without your boyfriend for a change. Just do SOMETHING.

I'm afraid I have to agree.. Sadly it doesn't seem as though you are willing to do anything to improve your circumstances.. Only you can make the necessary changes - and if you aren't willing to do that, talking about it on a message board isn't going to help you at all.. It's time for you to "act" - not dwell in the past..

Good luck..

 

[DisMN]

So say 'hey can we take the kids to the park?' And volunteer somewhere without your boyfriend. If he's that vivacious you may need to develop your own friends somewhere where he doesn't overshadow you.

Knowing your interests doesn't obligate them to invite you.
YOU need to take some initiative to fix your problems instead of blaming others or ignoring the advice given, or making excuses of why it won't work. Period.

This. Exactly this. I've seen you say several times now that people do know you're interests but they still don't invite you. Knowing your interested in something in no way tells these friends that you'd ACTUALLY like to participate in said activities.



I am hugely hugely interested in the Space Shuttle program/NASA. Yet no one, not one single person has ever invited me to go watch a liftoff live and I know full well several friends have gone.

I am hugely interested in seashells....all of my friend and family know how much I'm into collecting and talking about seashells. Still, no one invites me along when they go seashell hunting. No one.




I'm not trying to make fun of you but maybe open your eyes as to what you're setting yourself up for in every instance here. Just because you are interested in something doesn't mean a thing. Like I said before your friends aren't mind readers and they're probably clueless that you even want to join them.

 

[mrsklamc]

Another reason to think about counseling...it may help you with some perspective. On this thread, you are very negative and have a reason for everything about why it won't work. Granted, you may only be like that here because this is a 'vent' thread for you, but if it comes across like that in real life, it could dissuade people from wanting to spend time with you.

You might go borrow from the library or buy a copy of a famous book called 'How to Win Friends and Influence People,' if you want to change this aspect of your life.