Getting over not having certain experiences?

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

I have never been asked to be a bridesmaid by any of my friends but when my cousin got married his bride asked me to be one.

Personally I preferred my friends' weddings where I did not have any obligations other than going and enjoying myself .

 

[RitaE]

I think I might have to mention it to him. For awhile I sort of did get over not being included in weddings. A couple of days ago my bf got asked to be another wedding which will happen sometime next spring. A friend to mine just posted pics on Facebook of a wedding she was in so again I''ve been feeling down about this. I know once it gets closer to my bf's cousin's wedding he will be talking about how fun it is to be in weddings. I really don't know what to do about this.

My goodness. You're now going for round 2 and getting pissy because your boyfriend got asked to be in his cousin's wedding next spring?

Call the bride up and offer to pay for her wedding if she'll let you be a bridesmaid.

 

[C.Ann]

Why waste your energy on focusing on the things you "haven't" experienced? How about remembering all of the great things you have experienced in your life?

You are never going to "get over" this if you continually focus on the negatives in your life.. You're young and you still have many, many years ahead of you to add more happy experiences to the ones you have already had..

Just in case you didn't read it the first time..

You really need to let this negative attitude go if you ever hope to be happy..
I'm sure there have been good times in your life.. Focus on them..

 

[OK!]

What to do? Nothing to do - except the happy dance that you're not included. They're a true royal pain in the rear. Too much cost, too much obligation, too much family drama, too much false enthusiasm, shower hosting obligations, dresses that are awful and can't be used again. Mega cost for mega drama. No thanks. Been there, done that. Believe me, you aren't missing a thing. I'd rather send a gift.

Amen. This was my experience exactly.

 

[tar heel]

OP -- Have you thought about seeing a therapist? I think a good one could help you with your self esteem issues. It seems that the main reason you want to be in a wedding is so you can brag/talk about it. It would help you to explore why you have this "need." You feel this and you can't just make the feelings go away -- I assume you've tried. Instead of laying this on you bf, go to a professional.

 

[RayaniFoxmur]

OP please don't take this the wrong way but I am speaking to you as someone who has personal experience with having bi-polar disorder.

GO back to therapy!

You said you've been in therapy off and on and it doesn't work like that, especially having bi-polar. You need someone to talk to about things like this who can help you learn coping strategies and a forum on the internet is not going to cut it.

You say you mask depression to your friends. I say if you still have depression to mask your meds need reevaluated. Your meds should make you feel even and if your still battling depression (which seems so from your posts) then they aren't working right. A psychiatrist sees you for 5 minutes, asks how you're feeling and writes a prescription. That's NOT enough time to evaluate how your meds are working for you. Having both a psychologist and psychiatrist will help you get on the right track.

Good luck OP, I know the personal hell bi-polar can be. I left it untreated for years because I couldn't afford treatment. I finally said "No more!" 2 years ago and it's been like having a completely different outlook on life.

 

[Mimi1965]

I think I might have to mention it to him. For awhile I sort of did get over not being included in weddings. A couple of days ago my bf got asked to be another wedding which will happen sometime next spring. A friend to mine just posted pics on Facebook of a wedding she was in so again I''ve been feeling down about this. I know once it gets closer to my bf's cousin's wedding he will be talking about how fun it is to be in weddings. I really don't know what to do about this.

I am sorry-but I dont know ANY guy who would say this? Fun? Really?
Its a nice experience-but fun?
How old is he?

 

[browneyes106]

The reason I don't mention this to a therapist is because a lot of people don't have these kinds of issues. I know that it is a self-esteem issue but at the same time it's been an issue mainly because when I was little my family attended a lot of weddings for friends and relatives and often the siblings of the bride and groom were in the wedding and everyone always seemed happy. As I got older friends and relatives in high school and in college were always getting asked and nobody I know ever had a negative experience. I'm probably the only person out of my friends and family who has never had the experience of being in a wedding or asked to be apart of a major event.

Each time I wouldn't get asked I would cry for days because I felt something was wrong with me or I wasn't good enough to get asked. I know a lot of you think I'm weird or something for wanting these things but I can't completely explain why I want these things so badly.

 

[mrsklamc]

The reason I don't mention this to a therapist is because a lot of people don't have these kinds of issues.

Which is how you know you need a therapist to help you deal with them- because it's not normal. If you spend your life bemoaning what you don't have/experience, you will be miserable.

 

[RayaniFoxmur]

The reason I don't mention this to a therapist is because a lot of people don't have these kinds of issues.

There are many more people that have these types of issues than you even know. You need to trust in the therapist you have chosen and they will help you to work through this. If they can't, you need to find another therapist.

Not telling them is nothing more than shorting yourself. You obviously cannot deal with this alone, yet you seem to refuse to get help with dealing with it.

 

[KittyHellstrom]

lately my boyfriend keeps bringing up the wedding he is in and right now I don't have any other exciting things going on.

If this is mainly what's bothering you maybe you should try to take on some new activities. Sign up for a club that interests you or volunteer somewhere maybe? Try to do something new that you've never done before.

Take a day trip to a place you've been wanting to check out lately. Take photos and put them on facebook for people to comment on.

-Kitty

 

[mrsklamc]

As for people seeming happy when they do it, and your friends not complaining when they do it- it's just part of it. You go, you smile, you make nice, cause it's not about you and you'd seem like a jerk if you went around complaining about it.

 

[Frantasmic]

Change all your Facebook, Myspace, and other social network friends to those who sky dive, so you don't have to look at any more wedding photos.

Originally, your posts were more about your boyfriend and how he was always able to make friends with people to the point of being asked to be in weddings. Now, you have changed the focus of your resentment to brides.

It sounds like you want to be seen as an extension of your boyfriend without having any of the attributes he has.

Groom: Let's invite X to be an usher. He's been my friend for 3 years.
Bride: His gf looks nice too. I'll ask her to be my maid of honor.

It just doesn't work that way. Places in weddings, especially on the bride's side are generally reserved for long standing friends, relatives, children of relatives or friends, but rarely girlfriend's of a groomsmen or usher (unless they also belong in one of the other categories). That's just the nature of weddings.

You've admitted you don't make friends easily. You've done a few social obligations, hoping to get in a potential bride's good side, etc. That just doesn't work on the bride's side like it does on the groom's side.

The old addage insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.

You can't cultivate the type of relationship most women base their choice of wedding participants in a few short months.

It can be different with guys. They usually have a best friend or relative they'll ask to be a Best Man. Then, groom's men and usher can range from frat brothers, relatives of the bride, to a guy he met two months ago. It's just different.

 

[browneyes106]

Change all your Facebook, Myspace, and other social network friends to those who sky dive, so you don't have to look at any more wedding photos.

Originally, your posts were more about your boyfriend and how he was always able to make friends with people to the point of being asked to be in weddings. Now, you have changed the focus of your resentment to brides.

It sounds like you want to be seen as an extension of your boyfriend without having any of the attributes he has.

Groom: Let's invite X to be an usher. He's been my friend for 3 years.
Bride: His gf looks nice too. I'll ask her to be my maid of honor.

It just doesn't work that way. Places in weddings, especially on the bride's side are generally reserved for long standing friends, relatives, children of relatives or friends, but rarely girlfriend's of a groomsmen or usher (unless they also belong in one of the other categories). That's just the nature of weddings.

You've admitted you don't make friends easily. You've done a few social obligations, hoping to get in a potential bride's good side, etc. That just doesn't work on the bride's side like it does on the groom's side.

The old addage insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.

You can't cultivate the type of relationship most women base their choice of wedding participants in a few short months.

It can be different with guys. They usually have a best friend or relative they'll ask to be a Best Man. Then, groom's men and usher can range from frat brothers, relatives of the bride, to a guy he met two months ago. It's just different.

I'm ok with not being asked my boyfriend's friends to be in the weddings and I understand why I'm not asked. I tend to get a jealous of my boyfriend because his friends seem to value and care about him very much and they think highly of him to include him in weddings. The social things I mentioned doing in a previous post were with friends that I have I had for years and relatives. I think more hurt or depressed over the fact that my friends and relatives never ask me to be apart of events.

 

[Jingle]

I try my best to be a good friend. I have taken my friends out to eat and other places and offered them many things. I try to always think of the happiness of others but when my friends and relatives pick the usual people I'll admit I do take personal.

People don't find true friends by buying them things and taking them out to eat. I've gone through shy times in my life and one thing I find helpful is when I meet someone new or need to make small talk, is to focus on the other person. Ask them general (not nosey) questions about their life or family. You may discover something you have in common. If you shift your focus from you to the other person, you may find more meaningful friendships. I'm not saying don't talk about yourself, but if you try focusing on the other person, they may be more receptive getting to know you and include you more in their social functions.

 

[browneyes106]

People don't find true friends by buying them things and taking them out to eat. I've gone through shy times in my life and one thing I find helpful is when I meet someone new or need to make small talk, is to focus on the other person. Ask them general (not nosey) questions about their life or family. You may discover something you have in common. If you shift your focus from you to the other person, you may find more meaningful friendships. I'm not saying don't talk about yourself, but if you try focusing on the other person, they may be more receptive getting to know you and include you more in their social functions.

I do try to find things that I have in common with friends and there are some things that I do have in common with friends and relatives. There are times some of my friends and relatives go to events that I would like to go but they don't ask me.

 

[tlbwriter]

Each time I wouldn't get asked I would cry for days because I felt something was wrong with me or I wasn't good enough to get asked. I know a lot of you think I'm weird or something for wanting these things but I can't completely explain why I want these things so badly.

I can't read the whole thread (anyone else getting 503 errors?) so I apologize if someone else has said this, but I don't think you really miss the experiences. I think you miss being close enough friends with someone that they would ask you to be part of those experiences. A lot of people are brushing off your concerns by saying "it's no fun being in a wedding anyway," but that's not the point, is it? You want someone to like you enough to ASK.

 

[RitaE]

If I could just ask - what exactly is it you are looking for on this thread?

I would invite you to read over everything that has been written. I know it is a very long thread now but go ahead and read. And this time please notice that every piece of advice or comment that has been given to you is immediately met by you with denial or negativity.

You aren't listening or trying to understand ....

You feel how you feel over this wedding thing, I'm not going to fight with you over that. BUT if you aren't willing to change anything that you are doing, you aren't willing to try and look objectively over how others might see how you act, you aren't willing to try and develop a positive attitude, you aren't willing to talk to your therapist about the problem ... you pretty much aren't willing to do anything at all other than continue to feel depressed,

then there just isn't anything to be gained by this. For you or the people who have taken the time out of their day to answer your questions.

KWIM?

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

I do try to find things that I have in common with friends and there are some things that I do have in common with friends and relatives. There are times some of my friends and relatives go to events that I would like to go but they don't ask me.

Well have you ever tried to take the initiative and ask them to go out?

Obviously this doesn't work for wedding per-say but other events such as movies and concerts can be initiated by you and then your friends will know you like going to these types of things.

When people make plans they can't ask everyone they know if it is something they would like to do, so they just ask the few people they already know like to do it. As people are not mind readers, YOU need to let them know you are one of those people.

 

[tar heel]

Read RitaE's post above...
I want to say this gently -- a good therapist will help you be someone that your friends and relatives want to invite to do things. Talk to him/her about this stuff, not your friends and relatives, at least initially. Once you have a better handle on it, then you can talk to those who need to be talked to.