Getting over not having certain experiences?

[dislaney]

Your life is as good as you make it. If you want to dwell on the fact that your boyfriend is in a wedding and your not then that is your choice.

I think that you saying that you don't feel valued in your relationships is a much bigger problem. What are you putting out there? Do you think your friends and family feel valued by you? If they do, and they don't value you, then maybe you need some new friends.

I think that generally what you put out there is what you get back. When I started thinking about other people, instead of myself first, that is when I felt valued and respected.

Sorry your going through such a hard time.

 

[TwinsinCA]

OP -- you said you went to prom. That is something I was never lucky enough to get to do. I do see that as an event that someone else deems you "worthy" enough to attend. In our school if you didn't have a date, you didn't go. And honestly I would rather have been asked to *one* prom than been included in the weddings I've been in.

As far as the immediate issue of the wedding. Does your BF insist that you go? Because if he doesn't care, then stay home!! Or maybe just go to part of it. When my husband and I were engaged we had a situation like this -- he was in the wedding and I only knew the bride and groom. He wanted me there. I did NOT want to go because I didn't know anyone and even worse I'd be missing a concert I had tickets for. I ended up going to the wedding and was miserable.

 

[Bunnyfeather]

I don't think most people are in weddings or serve as godparents. I am 34 and all my friends are now married and the kids are mostly born and it looks like neither of those things is going to happen at this point. And when I was younger, I did feel a little sorry for myself about that.

Which was silly, because really the key is to make deep friendships and love people and then those things might happen, but even if they don't they are just symptoms of a happy life-they aren't the happy life themselves! I have the kind of friends and friendships that could result in being bridesmaid or godmother, and it is only the happy circumstance of those friends also having loving siblings and large families that has prevented it. So I have nothing to mourn.

Once I had my own wedding and my own kids, I realized that was better than any number of requests to be godparent or bridesmaid. I think you will find the same, OP. Also, if you don't have the kids of friendships that tend to result in invitations to be a bridesmaid and/or godparent, stop pining for the symptom and go fix the real problem! You cannot make that invitation come one day, but you CAN make good friends that help your life feel full and meaningful without those invitations.

 

[browneyes106]

OP -- you said you went to prom. That is something I was never lucky enough to get to do. I do see that as an event that someone else deems you "worthy" enough to attend. In our school if you didn't have a date, you didn't go. And honestly I would rather have been asked to *one* prom than been included in the weddings I've been in.

As far as the immediate issue of the wedding. Does your BF insist that you go? Because if he doesn't care, then stay home!! Or maybe just go to part of it. When my husband and I were engaged we had a situation like this -- he was in the wedding and I only knew the bride and groom. He wanted me there. I did NOT want to go because I didn't know anyone and even worse I'd be missing a concert I had tickets for. I ended up going to the wedding and was miserable.

He does want me to go. I do want him to be happy I really do. I do know the bride, groom and most of the wedding party. I will be the only wedding party date. The girl that is paired with my bf does have a boyfriend but he is currently doing Air Force Reserve training out of state. My bf probably will have to do a lot of certain traditions at the wedding since it's a Hispano Catholic wedding.

 

[browneyes106]

Your life is as good as you make it. If you want to dwell on the fact that your boyfriend is in a wedding and your not then that is your choice.

I think that you saying that you don't feel valued in your relationships is a much bigger problem. What are you putting out there? Do you think your friends and family feel valued by you? If they do, and they don't value you, then maybe you need some new friends.

I think that generally what you put out there is what you get back. When I started thinking about other people, instead of myself first, that is when I felt valued and respected.

Sorry your going through such a hard time.

I always do by my best for friends and family. I invite them places and I have treated them to dinner, movies, concerts and other events. I try to do various things to value my friends and family. Maybe I do need to get new friends but I don't make new friends easily.

 

[Tinkermommy]

I do understand why I wasn't my bf's friend's wedding. I meant to say that it sort of stings to see him having fun and being apart of something special.

My DH was in our friends wedding. He was the best man. I was not in the wedding party and I didn't even get to attend the wedding because I was in the hospital after giving birth to our son.

Not only did it not bother me, I scheduled my c-section around their wedding so I would still be in the hospital and DH was free to go out of town for the weekend to be in the wedding.

I didn't go to prom either! Nor am I godparent to anyone. I have also never won the lottery or been on TV or a zillion other things.

Here's a law of nature, a negative attitude repels people a positive one draws people to you. Instead of being jealous of your BF, why don't you take a lesson from him.

 

[browneyes106]

My DH was in our friends wedding. He was the best man. I was not in the wedding party and I didn't even get to attend the wedding because I was in the hospital after giving birth to our son.

Not only did it not bother me, I scheduled my c-section around their wedding so I would still be in the hospital and DH was free to go out of town for the weekend to be in the wedding.

I didn't go to prom either! Nor am I godparent to anyone. I have also never won the lottery or been on TV or a zillion other things.

Here's a law of nature, a negative attitude repels people a positive one draws people to you. Instead of being jealous of your BF, why don't you take a lesson from him.

I try to learn from my bf and I just don't have the gift he has to connect easily with people.

 

[browneyes106]

I don't think most people are in weddings or serve as godparents. I am 34 and all my friends are now married and the kids are mostly born and it looks like neither of those things is going to happen at this point. And when I was younger, I did feel a little sorry for myself about that.

Which was silly, because really the key is to make deep friendships and love people and then those things might happen, but even if they don't they are just symptoms of a happy life-they aren't the happy life themselves! I have the kind of friends and friendships that could result in being bridesmaid or godmother, and it is only the happy circumstance of those friends also having loving siblings and large families that has prevented it. So I have nothing to mourn.

Once I had my own wedding and my own kids, I realized that was better than any number of requests to be godparent or bridesmaid. I think you will find the same, OP. Also, if you don't have the kids of friendships that tend to result in invitations to be a bridesmaid and/or godparent, stop pining for the symptom and go fix the real problem! You cannot make that invitation come one day, but you CAN make good friends that help your life feel full and meaningful without those invitations.

I know that most people aren't weddings. Pretty much everyone I know has been in at least one wedding.

 

[malibuconlee]

I do try to look at it that way. But it's sort of hard because most of my friends and relatives are always getting asked to be in weddings and similar events. My boyfriend has already been in 5 weddings and he will be in 3 weddings this year. The first wedding will be on April 24th. It's hard when to hear him always tell me about what's going on with the wedding parties. I kind of don't want to go to the weddings because I will probably feel down and I don't know a lot of his friends.

If it makes you feel any better...ask your parents, aunts and uncles, older relatives etc who was in their wedding. Ask how often they see those people now.

Things maybe different for the younger generations with facebook and email, but I know in the past for people who have gotten married young by the time they are older they never see those people. Life happens people change.

DH and I haven't been in lots of weddings. Sometimes listening to the "kids" 10 years younger than us it seems odd to me that we haven't even been to that many weddings in the 12 years we've been married! Then again we don't have to spend all of our vacation time and disposable income traveling to 5 weddings this summer like some!!!

One guy even had to turn down one or two weddings because he's already in 3!! and Best Man in two of them!

 

[mrsklamc]

6 months ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had it treated and am 99% back to my happy, pre-cancer life.

An actress on 24 had a VERY similar experience to me. She is about the same age and had the same cancer, though slightly less advanced. In her own words, everything about her treatment went as perfectly as it could. Over a year later, she's still in therapy.

This is not because of different experiences, it's about different attitudes. (Barring mental illness,) we have the power to CHOOSE which attitude we have.

Try writing down 10 things you are grateful for every day. It's virtually impossible to be grateful and feel sorry for yourself at the same time.

 

[HeyIt'sMe]

As for being a part of someone else's wedding I am happy to say I have never had to do that. I was asked once by a close friend but I was pregnant with my DD and my due date was less than a month before her wedding so I told her I couldn't do it.

And while we're talking about life events with fancy dresses - - - I never went to prom....I was never even asked. Come to think of it I never went to any formal school dances.

 

[browneyes106]

Right now my bf is at the rehearsal dinner. I am going to the wedding and I will do my best to be happy for him. But he is still going to be two other weddings. One is in June and there is in August.

I know I need to stop being selfish and try to get over not experiencing certain things. My boyfriend won't be home for a few hours so I'm thinking about talking to him about I feel and how him talking about the weddings is bringing me down.

 

[RadioNate]

No one can experience the same things all the time. I was maybe 30 before I was in a wedding. And trust me is sucked and was crazy expensive. I think I spent about $1000.

The second wedding I was in was 3 years ago when I was 32. It was out of town and I was happy to do it but it was an 8 hour drive 3 weeks before I gave birth. The hotel alone was $500 a night. There is no way I would have done it for anyone but this bride and her specific circumstance (her mother, who I was extremely close to, was dying of cancer and passed away about 5 weeks later.)

Trust me, I get where you are at sometimes. I suffer from PTSD & anxiety. I know how those issues can affect someone and I really believe that this has nothing to do with weddings.

You feel left out. You have to accept that sometimes everyone is left out. Being invited to the wedding at all shows they included you. You have to focus on that.

 

[PixieTopaz]

OP-How was the wedding?

My sister was my maid of honor-but when she got married(very small wedding-Justice of the peace at Mom's house) she asked her best friend to be Maid of honor. Didnt bother me at all.

I really think you put too much weight in all these "honors"-its not that big a deal.

 

[minniecarousel]

Right now my bf is at the rehearsal dinner. I am going to the wedding and I will do my best to be happy for him. But he is still going to be two other weddings. One is in June and there is in August.

I know I need to stop being selfish and try to get over not experiencing certain things. My boyfriend won't be home for a few hours so I'm thinking about talking to him about I feel and how him talking about the weddings is bringing me down.

hrumph! "Significant Others" should be invited to the Rehearsal Dinner. Someone in the Bridal Party dropped the ball here.

Think of all the $$$$$ you save not being in weddings!

 

[browneyes106]

OP-How was the wedding?

My sister was my maid of honor-but when she got married(very small wedding-Justice of the peace at Mom's house) she asked her best friend to be Maid of honor. Didnt bother me at all.

I really think you put too much weight in all these "honors"-its not that big a deal.

I just got back awhile ago. The wedding went well. My bf is still at the reception hall helping clean up. He should be home in a couple of hours. I know I put too much on this I'm trying to work not to do so. But it will be awhile because my bf is in two other weddings this year.

 

[browneyes106]

hrumph! "Significant Others" should be invited to the Rehearsal Dinner. Someone in the Bridal Party dropped the ball here.

Think of all the $$$$$ you save not being in weddings!

The rehearsal dinner was at a small cafe and the both the bride and groom wanted a lot of their relatives there. My bf was a bit mad that I wasn't invited.

 

[EclecticWAHM]

My boyfriend won't be home for a few hours so I'm thinking about talking to him about I feel and how him talking about the weddings is bringing me down.

I think you need to consider how you approach this. Is it really him talking about the weddings that brings you down, or your own issues about the weddings that bring you down? If it's something that he's happy and excited about, I don't think he should be expected to not talk about it.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I'm a "left out" kind of person. For the most part, I've always been. I have niche friends, but beyond that, not this huge network or anything.

I won't be the person in 10 weddings, I won't be the godmother to 121 babies, and most of my invites to "life experiences" will be courtesy invitations.

After spending a portion of my 20s feeling sorry for myself and then getting invited to a few weddings where all I knew was the bride and groom....I was kind of cured.

We don't have to be in everything or invited to everything. It would be nice--but then again, do I know anyone where my feelings would TRULY be hurt. It might be sad...but at this point, not really.

Sometimes, things are just better watching it from the audience POV.

As for your circumstance with your BF--I don't see what he has done wrong for simply being in a circle of friends where he is often asked to stand up and be in someone's wedding. It's not fair if you were to expect him to either not do it or not mention it to spare your feelings. That is not a healthy relationship request.

As for the rehearsal dinner--that stinks that you were not invited. If someone invited to my Rehearsal dinner had a date for the wedding, they were invited to the Rehearsal dinner and not left behind to twiddle their thumbs.

 

[browneyes106]

I'm a "left out" kind of person. For the most part, I've always been. I have niche friends, but beyond that, not this huge network or anything.

I won't be the person in 10 weddings, I won't be the godmother to 121 babies, and most of my invites to "life experiences" will be courtesy invitations.

After spending a portion of my 20s feeling sorry for myself and then getting invited to a few weddings where all I knew was the bride and groom....I was kind of cured.

We don't have to be in everything or invited to everything. It would be nice--but then again, do I know anyone where my feelings would TRULY be hurt. It might be sad...but at this point, not really.

Sometimes, things are just better watching it from the audience POV.

As for your circumstance with your BF--I don't see what he has done wrong for simply being in a circle of friends where he is often asked to stand up and be in someone's wedding. It's not fair if you were to expect him to either not do it or not mention it to spare your feelings. That is not a healthy relationship request.

As for the rehearsal dinner--that stinks that you were not invited. If someone invited to my Rehearsal dinner had a date for the wedding, they were invited to the Rehearsal dinner and not left behind to twiddle their thumbs.

I don't want him to not be apart of things because of me but I just don't know how to explain how I have been left out of past events and can't get over it.