getting hubby to spend less $$$$

[ez]

This is such a touchy subject. I worked full time for 18 years but left my job 5 years ago after the birth of our special needs son. I try as hard as I can to manage our budget but its very difficult. I can control what I spend, and what I spend on the kids but I can't control my husbands spending, and because he is the breadwinner seems like whenever I bring it up it strikes a bad nerve.
I put everything on our credit card which we pay off each month, so I can see where every penny goes and also get some rewards.I pretty much spend no money on myself at all. My husband smokes a pack of cigarettes or more a day, drinks a six pack of beer plus, buys lunch at work and goes biker bar hopping with his friends on weekends. He keeps 100 a week spending money out for himself but seems to charge his lunches, 7-11, liquor store etc on the credit card. He is a few years away from retirement and it seems like several hundred dollars each month he spends on himself, theres no way we can maintain that in retirement. My husband is a wonderful man and has a stressful job and I dont want to add to it...but I feel like I have to cut back everywhere else so he can spend the money he spends. Like I said, if I even try to bring in up it doesnt go well at all any suggestions?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since he already is unwillingly to change and sounds set in his ways, I would probably get a job.

If you have no money for yourself that is not a good situation to put yourself in. You are going to have building resentment.

It sounds like your family needs a second income.

 

[RUDisney]

This is such a touchy subject. I worked full time for 18 years but left my job 5 years ago after the birth of our special needs son. I try as hard as I can to manage our budget but its very difficult. I can control what I spend, and what I spend on the kids but I can't control my husbands spending, and because he is the breadwinner seems like whenever I bring it up it strikes a bad nerve.
I put everything on our credit card which we pay off each month, so I can see where every penny goes and also get some rewards.I pretty much spend no money on myself at all. My husband smokes a pack of cigarettes or more a day, drinks a six pack of beer plus, buys lunch at work and goes biker bar hopping with his friends on weekends. He keeps 100 a week spending money out for himself but seems to charge his lunches, 7-11, liquor store etc on the credit card. He is a few years away from retirement and it seems like several hundred dollars each month he spends on himself, theres no way we can maintain that in retirement. My husband is a wonderful man and has a stressful job and I dont want to add to it...but I feel like I have to cut back everywhere else so he can spend the money he spends. Like I said, if I even try to bring in up it doesnt go well at all any suggestions?

Am I reading this right? Your DH drinks a 6-pack plus of beer per night. Sounds like he has bigger issues than how much money he spends. Sounds like you'd be saving a lot if he gave up drinking and got some help.

As for it not going well when you try to discuss this with him... it usually doesn't go well with an alcoholic who is being told s/he can't or shouldn't do something.

 

[HM]

Do you actually have a budget? Sounds like you guys need to work one out. Surely he can understand that you only have so much money to go around and it needs to be allocated.

We use credit cards that way that you do. BUT, I think in your family's case, it might be better to work from cash, so that he only has so much in his pocket at any one time. Having a CC in your wallet makes it so easy to just buy/pay for something without giving it much thought.

No matter what, you two have to come to an agreement about your finances.

Good luck.

 

[angwill]

My advice would be to get a job while DH is home and can watch your child and make sure you work those weekends so he has to stay home and out of the bar.

 

[Hannathy]

does he not help pay the bills at all? Does he see how much money he is spending? without getting angry I would ask him if he is aware of how much money is being spent.
There is no way you should be depriving yourself like you are or your kids if he is
spending the way he is.

I would for a month take out exactly the same amount for myself as he is for himself. (you can just stash it away) then I would give him the bills and ask how you are going to pay them this month since there isn't enough money in the account to do it. See what he comes up with.

I would also have some plans a few weekends that he needs to stay home, and then do it don't back down.

I think it is time to grow a backbone and stand up for yourself you are a partner not a servant. Quit letting him treat you like one.

She shouldn't have to get a job to support his abuse or just to have money IF it is available and it is, it is just being withheld from her. Where are all the posters who were screaming abuse for the screamer? this is also abuse.

 

[ccgirl]

I got so sick of this as well. We both work very hard FT. We both make a descent salary but still need a budget. No matter how much I showed him the budget he didn't pay attention. I could not take out my spending money for the week because he took out too much. He bought lunch every day while I only ate a can of soup some days. I got sick of it. So, one month I just happened to not have enough money for the cable bill. The cable got turned off. My DD7 said, "mommy, how come the cable is off." I said (in front of my DH), "honey because we only have so much money in the budget and there was no more money to pay the cable." This was just a few weeks ago during football season. It has been simply amazing how he is sticking to the budget now.

Sounds like you could use some time away as well. It can't be easy taking care of a special needs son FT while your DH is out at bars all weekend. I would take a PP suggestion and look into getting a job and that way you can put some money into your own retirement as well. Would he take care of your special needs child?

Good luck, I know it's not easy.

 

[okeydokey]

I got so sick of this as well. We both work very hard FT. We both make a descent salary but still need a budget. No matter how much I showed him the budget he didn't pay attention. I could not take out my spending money for the week because he took out too much. He bought lunch every day while I only ate a can of soup some days. I got sick of it. So, one month I just happened to not have enough money for the cable bill. The cable got turned off. My DD7 said, "mommy, how come the cable is off." I said (in front of my DH), "honey because we only have so much money in the budget and there was no more money to pay the cable." This was just a few weeks ago during football season. It has been simply amazing how he is sticking to the budget now.

Sounds like you could use some time away as well. It can't be easy taking care of a special needs son FT while your DH is out at bars all weekend. I would take a PP suggestion and look into getting a job and that way you can put some money into your own retirement as well. Would he take care of your special needs child?

Good luck, I know it's not easy.

Wow. Great way of making the point!

 

[ccgirl]

Wow. Great way of making the point!

I wouldn't have to done it with something essential like the gas (we already have the heat on) or electricity (DD needs computer for school) but the cable was not a necessity. It really was a great way because it made him finally realize there was only so much money and when it is gone, it is gone.

 

[Disney Doll]

My advice OP is to get a job because you are going to at least be supporting yourself and your kid(s) at some point, so start saving now. And when you save it, save it in something that he can't touch...put it in your mother's name, your sister's name, a trusted friend's name. Buy savings bonds in your kid's names with someone who you trust (again, Mom, sister,friend) as co-owner so that when the poop hits the fan and you leave him, you'll be ready.

Your husband sounds selfish...he works hard? Well, boo hoo, so do I and I don't spend more than $100/week on non-essential items...like cigarettes and booze which sound like they make up a lot of his spending...for myself.

 

[lovebuzz]

Have him start paying the bills. Once he is able to see where the money goes and does not go. Then he will change his habits. Best of luck to you.

 

[ccgirl]

Have him start paying the bills. Once he is able to see where the money goes and does not go. Then he will change his habits. Best of luck to you.

Be careful with this one. If he doesn't pay the bills it could negatively affect your credit. My DH paid the bills for a short while. Kept forgetting to pay my car payment. My credit took quite a ding because of it. Good luck.

 

[sbell111]

My advice OP is to get a job because you are going to at least be supporting yourself and your kid(s) at some point, so start saving now. And when you save it, save it in something that he can't touch...put it in your mother's name, your sister's name, a trusted friend's name. Buy savings bonds in your kid's names with someone who you trust (again, Mom, sister,friend) as co-owner so that when the poop hits the fan and you leave him, you'll be ready.

Your husband sounds selfish...he works hard? Well, boo hoo, so do I and I don't spend more than $100/week on non-essential items...like cigarettes and booze which sound like they make up a lot of his spending...for myself.

Good grief. The answer to every thread need not be 'get a divorce'.

 

[DisTeach1]

My husband is a wonderful man

Really? Okay, He goes out, smokes, drinks every day, goes to biker bars, and MOST of all...He isn't an equal adult with you on where you stand on your financial needs and goals. He doesn't care about you guys and where you stand FINANCIALLY as a couple or as a family.

He spends...You are trying to control him. Doesn't sound so wonderful to me. So, he has no control? He doesn't care about your financial goals? He's not responsible and only cares for himself so he does what he wants?

Again,where is the wonderful part again, I guess I didn't see it.

 

[aprilgail2]

My husband smokes a pack of cigarettes or more a day, drinks a six pack of beer plus, buys lunch at work and goes biker bar hopping with his friends on weekends. He keeps 100 a week spending money out for himself but seems to charge his lunches, 7-11, liquor store etc on the credit card. My husband is a wonderful man and has a stressful job and I dont want to add to it...but I feel like I have to cut back everywhere else so he can spend the money he spends. Like I said, if I even try to bring in up it doesnt go well at all any suggestions?

Sorry but if he is drinking a 6 pack a day, smoking and going to biker bars that doesn't seem like a "wonderful man" to me....I would think he could cut out at least 2 of those easily to save some money! If he can't then perhaps he can stay home on the weekends with the child while you get a part time weekend job....that should keep him out of the biker bar!

 

[Polyluvr]

My DH could probably have written this about me; but he's the one who works~ while I'm home w the kids~ including a special needs child.

I do pay all the bills on time; but I spend whatever is left how I see fit; I do give him spending money and I pack his lunches for work.

Works for us~ but I think sometimes he wishes I spent less

 

[mamacatnv]

I turned over the bills to DH a few years ago because he was a sneaky spender......"shhhh don't tell your Mom" with the kids and then random stuff on his debit card, he seemed to think it grew on trees and I was tired of the battle.

When I turned it all over I stipulated that I would pay my own credit cards as applicable, send off the mortgage monthly along with anything that was solely in my name and he could handle the rest. I schedule all my payments and DS's student loan payments online at the same time, I give DH a list with the $ and the date the funds will go thru. I also hand him my paycheck every week. I don't have direct dep. Can't even tell you the last time I was in the bank.

I'm not a spender, never really have been. He is the spender but if I need gas, groceries etc. I just do it and now he gets to sort it out. If I need cash for something I call him at work and ask him to bring it home since he has an ATM on site. I notice he takes his own lunch much more often, suggests dinner out less and I haven't seen a Starbucks mug in his car in ages!

 

[CanadianPaco]

My advice would be to get a job while DH is home and can watch your child and make sure you work those weekends so he has to stay home and out of the bar.

Excellent idea... no way would DH go to bars every weekend!

 

[BELLE1109]

DH and I have 1 joint account out of which all bills (utilities, mortgage, car, gas, etc) are paid
We then both have a "fun fund" $200 is deposited into each "fun fund" a pay check. Anything this is considered a non necessity is paid out of this fund. DH jiu jitsu stuff, gun club membership, lunches, clothes etc. I use mine to have my nails done, yoga, etc. When the "fun fund" runs out, you're out of luck, so we both spend wisely!.

We both have the BofA app on our phone so we know the exact amount in our "fun funds"
This is worked for us!

 

[dicar123]

I can totally relate! At one point, I had to get a full-time job and every cent of my paychecks for a year went to pay off credit cards.

What finally "worked" was giving him responsibility for getting the bills paid. We've NEVER not had the money to pay them once I stepped out of it. He still spends more than I would like, but he spends cash, not credit.