Gay And Widowed.

[SanFranciscan]

This is a sad subject that I am reluctant to bring up on a Disney site designed to be a happy place. Yet I float around this site for entertainment when I get a day off of work and have read the Gay and Lesbian section enough to know that some of you have been planning ceremonies and things of that nature.

Someone I don't really know offered me a glowing reference for a pretty good job recently. I did not understand why. She remembered something that I had said and forgotten about after her girlfriend died. She did not understand why she felt like such a baby after the death of her "friend" and seemed rather disgusted with herself. I told Amy that no matter how independent she had been before she met Christine she was a widow now and that feeling helpless and alone after the death of someone she had been with for 12 years seemed pretty normal to me. Because their relationship was not legally recognized, it had not occured to Amy that "widow" was perhaps an appropriate term for what she had just become until I said it.

This brings up a question that I do apologize for bringing up on a site intended to spread joy. Have you taken steps to take care of yourself or your surviving partner? I don't think it is possibe to ever really prepare ourselves for the death of an intimate partner. I think that might be even harder than facing our own mortality. What we can do is soften the blow that is going to hit hard. What velvet glove have you applied to what is certain to be a fist of iron when it comes?

 

[rosiep]

I'm married 25 years and I take everyday as a gift. I cannot even fathom the lost of my husband...and yet the harsh reality is that women so very often outlive their husbands.

To answer your question: I honestly have no idea how I'll survive such a loss, I often pray that I pass first, but truth be told I think my husband would be at a far greater loss since straight men seem to grieve privately while women tend to share more...and I can't bear the idea of him being so alone. (he has a hard time simply when I travel). We have children and I think that'll help somewhat.

Good food for thought...thanks for starting the dialogue.

 

[UKMark]

We're so lucky over here with the Civil Partnership laws. The surviving partner is treated exactly the same as any other "married" couple. Our plan is to sell our house when we both retire and buy a smaller place in the UK and a home in Florida too. We want to live over here in the summer and over there for the winter. Not sure about what would happen if one of us passed away while we were in the US though I really don't know how I'd survive without him though if he went first. We've been together almost 9 years now and lived together for 8 1/2 and I can't imagine life without him.

 

[Timrobb]

I think it is a good question that needs to be thought about. We have been together almost 15 years and have a daugther (we adopted her 4+ years ago). We have set everything up to protect the other. Life insurance, wills (both living and nonliving), and made it very clear to family members what is expected.

It does suck that in NY we cannot be married. If and when one of us passes the taxes on the life insurance policies will wipe out a major junk of the sum. If we were married, there would not be that kind of tax imposes. Everybody says to go get married in CT, but we have always lived in NY and feel that we should be married in the state we live in. Hopefully this will be soon!

 

[jenn&nelsonrego]

To answer your question: I honestly have no idea how I'll survive such a loss, I often pray that I pass first, but truth be told I think my husband would be at a far greater loss since straight men seem to grieve privately while women tend to share more...and I can't bear the idea of him being so alone. (he has a hard time simply when I travel). We have children and I think that'll help somewhat.

Good food for thought...thanks for starting the dialogue.

Thanks for saying that Rosie... I feel the same way... I worry about Nelson, the way he bottles things up until I poke him enough with a stick... I never spoke out loud of this fear because I didn't think people would understand it.

I think it is a good question that needs to be thought about. We have been together almost 15 years and have a daugther (we adopted her 4+ years ago). We have set everything up to protect the other. Life insurance, wills (both living and nonliving), and made it very clear to family members what is expected.

It does suck that in NY we cannot be married. If and when one of us passes the taxes on the life insurance policies will wipe out a major junk of the sum. If we were married, there would not be that kind of tax imposes. Everybody says to go get married in CT, but we have always lived in NY and feel that we should be married in the state we live in. Hopefully this will be soon!

I don't know if this is an option for you, but my mom has a life insurance policy on her that I am the owner of... i guess it is a way to circumvent the taxes... maybe you can check with your financial person to see if this is an option in NY...

 

[rpmdfw]

I think it is a good question that needs to be thought about. We have been together almost 15 years and have a daugther (we adopted her 4+ years ago). We have set everything up to protect the other. Life insurance, wills (both living and nonliving), and made it very clear to family members what is expected.

It does suck that in NY we cannot be married. If and when one of us passes the taxes on the life insurance policies will wipe out a major junk of the sum. If we were married, there would not be that kind of tax imposes. Everybody says to go get married in CT, but we have always lived in NY and feel that we should be married in the state we live in. Hopefully this will be soon!

We're in much the same boat (well, without the daughter ). We've done pretty much everything we can with wills and power of attorney, etc. But the tax burden would be so great that it would constitute a financial burden (if Scott were to die, I'd have to sell our home in order to pay the inheritance taxes on it) If we had equal marriage rights, it wouldn't be an issue at all.

We've begun looking into setting up a trust. Essentially, the trust would own everything, and then we'd both be the trustees. We're not sure if this would be a better solution or not yet. We're still researching.

It's all so confusing. You straight folks don't know how lucky you are that you don't have to jump through all these hoops. Getting married is much more satisfying spitiritually AND offers so much better protection.

 

[OrlandoMike]

I'm just gonna leave everything to Wally!


But seriously....this is one of the most serious issues we face with this whole "cant get married" crap!

Why cant people understand this?

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Now I feel guilty that we aren't taking advantage of our rights as a straight couple.

Other than life insurance we really don't have anything set up. We don't have a guardian appointed for DS, we don't have wills or POA or any of that good stuff.

When my in-laws died they had already pre-paid ALL of their funeral expenses. They had the plots, detailed directives about their services, etc. All we had to do was show up, and pay for death certificates and some flowers.

I can't think about DH dying. Well, in an abstract way I think about it a lot, because he drives to work every morning with the drunks. If something happens to him DS and I will lose our health insurance on top of all the other trauma.

I can't think about dying and leaving DS without a mom. Though I am heavily insured, and DH and DS would both get Social Security survivor benefits until DS is no longer a minor, it isn't about money.

DS is relatively heavily insured, too, although I have read it is "silly" to insure a child. The thing is, if something happened to him I would be non-functional. There is no way I could just hop up and go to work the next week. I would need time - probably substantial time - to get through it. And I would want DH to be able to take time off, too, and not worry about lost income.

 

[soulmates]

Elizabeth, don't feel guilty. Things will change, they already have. Your doing SO much more than the average straight person. You support gay rights, you get the word out and your raising your son to be TOLERANT towards all people! I feel honored to know you, much less call you friend!

 

[zeitzeuge]

This is something my partner and I have sat down and talked about, but haven't put anything into place yet. It does cost money to set up wills, trusts or power of attorney, so after our home is purchased, it's the next group of things on our list to complete. Living with a chronic illness has caused both of us to worry about the "what if's". Unfortunately the only life insurance policy I have is through work. I can't get one with my illness.

I want to do anything and everything we can possibly to do protect one another in case something were to happen to either one of us. Buying a home makes one do that I guess.

It's not a topic that people like to talk about. Especially men I found. My father and ever other male in my family avoids topics of this nature like the plague and will do everything in their power to keep it that way. I feel for the women in my family. It usually takes something like the death of my father to cause them to wake up. Still, their stubborness amazes me.

For me? Death has been and will always be a natural part of life that can't be avoided. I've lost so many friends and family in my life, that I guess I've acquired a different outlook. The pain is still the same, but I guess how I deal with it has changed over the years. When you're told that you possibly could only have a year left of your life (early days of HIV were scary) you look at life in a completely different way. I want the person I love taken care of in case something were to happen to me.

Of course, last week when I updated my 401K and my life insurance to add him as my beneficiary, his response was Woohoo!

Great topic. It's something we all need to think about.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Elizabeth, don't feel guilty. Things will change, they already have. Your doing SO much more than the average straight person. You support gay rights, you get the word out and your raising your son to be TOLERANT towards all people! I feel honored to know you, much less call you friend!

Thanks!
I guess we should schedule an appointment to have all those documents drawn up, but it just seems like such a pain. And it is expensive. And we don't know who we want for DS's guardians. Excuses, excuses...

(And for the record, DS doesn't just tolerate you. He likes you. )

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Zeiezeuge - Call Dallas Legal Hospice. They will prepare your documents at a reduced cost. Some of the guys are really cute, too...

 

[SanFranciscan]

I was so sorry to see Proposition 8 pass largely due to things of this nature. I have found that those strongly opposed to same-sex marriage are just mean people anyway. They are often the ones who would never marry anybody without an ironclad prenuptual agreement that totally violated the spirit of their vows with its one-sidedness. They are often the ones who have this do-unto-others-and-then-split attitude toward their business transactions. They are the ones who will tell their children to do as they say and not as they do when the children follow the parents' bad example to a degree that incoveniences the parents. They are the ones who attend church to justify their faults.

Anyway, that's a whole other topic.

 

[rpmdfw]

I was so sorry to see Proposition 8 pass largely due to things of this nature.

Honestly, Prop 8 wouldn't change much in a lot of situations.

States who've got marriage equality are great, but the biggest issue facing a lot of couples (us included) are FEDERAL inheritance taxes which are imposed on people who are not married.

To me that's the big reason for fighting the marriage fight on the national level instead of the "state by state" approach. Until all marriages are equal under federal law, the greatest iniquities will still be in place.

 

[nordkin]

I think it is a good question that needs to be thought about. We have been together almost 15 years and have a daugther (we adopted her 4+ years ago). We have set everything up to protect the other. Life insurance, wills (both living and nonliving), and made it very clear to family members what is expected.

It does suck that in NY we cannot be married. If and when one of us passes the taxes on the life insurance policies will wipe out a major junk of the sum. If we were married, there would not be that kind of tax imposes. Everybody says to go get married in CT, but we have always lived in NY and feel that we should be married in the state we live in. Hopefully this will be soon!

The payout from life insurance is not taxable. I have had first hand experience with this twice.

We have taken the steps to protect one another and hope some day to be able to marry in Maryland. We have been together 22 years and I do not see us ever splitting up, but then again you never know.

 

[akcire]

Hi...I lurk a bit here.

Be certain if you are going to have legal documents created, wills, trusts, power of attorney, healthcare directives, healthcare power of attorney (so you are not left out of critical decisions) that you work with a lawyer that has experience with same sex couples (most do not). Additionally, if you have a family member that disapproves of your life, that you specifically disinherit them or leave them something nominal like $1.00. This is not to be mean-spirited, but to protect your choices.

In Sweden where I am from, it does not matter if you have a legal spouse or a defacto (same or opposite sex committed partner), if your documents are properly created. Many couples in Sweden do not ever get married.

Here in USA I was very good friends with a lesbian couple. They had taken what they thought were proper steps with their legal documents. The higher wage earner was involved in a fatal car accident. Not only did the family block the defacto from making any healthcare decisions, but they contested the will. The defacto had a lower income and was on the brink of ruin before she confided in us what was happening. Since it angered us greatly, that the family was acting in this manner, we made a large loan and also set her up with a high powered attorney who specialized in contested wills. The matter has now been resolved, in her favor; but this was a stressful situation following a traumatic event.

Please, please, please make certain that when you make any decisions you read all possible information on the topic and speak to an attorney who has experience in same-sex estate planning. Also make certain that the plan you create can be enforced in ANY state. It would be horrible to have a great plan for CA, but then to move to AL and have the AL courts throw out all your documents and plans.

Best-Ericka

 

[DVCajun]

Honestly, Prop 8 wouldn't change much in a lot of situations.

States who've got marriage equality are great, but the biggest issue facing a lot of couples (us included) are FEDERAL inheritance taxes which are imposed on people who are not married.

To me that's the big reason for fighting the marriage fight on the national level instead of the "state by state" approach. Until all marriages are equal under federal law, the greatest iniquities will still be in place.

 

[MrsSpratt]

My best friend (BFF, actually) lost his husband in July. The grief has been a nightmare - thankfully, finances have been not DUE to the DECEASED'S FAMILY.

This couple lived in Texas. They could not marry. There was no will. There is no probate.

But their life savings (in a joint account for 11 years) still belongs to the surviving Spouse. Because the "rightful heirs" have deemed it so.

I thank God for this every day. He is in so much pain, but he has a little cushion. It makes a big difference, especially if the death is unexpected.

Not everyone else makes as little as my BFF (and artist) and his partner made, though. For anyone with true assets, (home ownership, IRA's, 401K's, the place on Fire Island...) ultimately a trust is the only guarantee. And those aren't cost effective unless you have a place on Fire Island AND a house in Key West AND a summer place in Ptown, so you need to talk to a well qualified (GUF) estate planner. AND KEEP UP WITH THE paperwork.

Good Luck!

Mrs. Spratt