Gal Pal trip not going as planned

[Pumpweet]

My fiftieth birthday is today but I will be celebrating it next month with three gal pals at Disney. We are coming from three different parts of the country and staying at VWL since I am a DVC member. From the beginning it was to be ladies only, no husbands or kids. One friend would only come if her DH and DD, age16, could fly to Orlando with her. They would stay at ASM, do dad and daughter things while she stayed with "the girls". I agreed to this since I wanted my friend to be with me for this special time. We will not be doing any parks for this trip. The theme is relax, dine and enjoy this time together. Within the last month she has informed me that she will be going to parks eveyday with DH and DD but will still be staying with us and joining us for some meals. She and her family will also be going out to dinner with an old friend who will be in Orlando at the same time we are. Bottom line, I'm not happy. IMO, she has taken my invitation and turned it into her family vacation. I have kept silent until now but in trying to accomodate her I have become upset and feel used. I do not want to end a twenty-eight year friendship over five days in Disneyworld. Suggestions please.

 

[Scornelius]

First and formost, Happy Birthday! Your trip sounds like a really fun way to celebrate!! I think gal-pal trips are great. I can understand why the changes your friend is making
are annoying to say the least. You invited her specifically to come on your birthday trip, not pop in once in a while while she's on her family vacation, right? How frustrating!
Is it possible her family can't really afford to send just one of them on vacation, so they need to turn it into the big family trip? Better to spend $3000 now than $1000 now and $3000 later, know what I mean?
(Or maybe the husband and daughter just refuse to be left behind when there's disney on the horizon. )
Either way, I certainly hope this doesn't put an end to such a long friendship! And I hope you have an amazing time, whether it's three or four of you.

 

[Pumpweet]

Scornelius, Thanks so much for the birthday nod and your thoughtful reply. My friend's family is very frugal. I had never thought that this was their way of making every dollar stretch to the fullest. Since I've kept mum about my true feelings she doesn't even know how upset I am. I think I will have to let her know at some point. Last summer we hosted her entire family of four in our two bedroom villa for four nights at VWL with our points because we knew that they would never be able to afford a deluxe resort otherwise. Sharing Disney with others brings my family and I a lot of pleasure especially when you see their faces as they walk into the Wilderness Lodge for the first time. The wow factor is priceless. This birthday celebration next month means so much to me and I've made all the reservations for everyone trying to take into account the likes and dislikes of those coming. I just want to be the princess and have it my way, I admit it. Venting here has already helped.

 

[TxRabbit]

Happy Birthday Pumpweet!

Now here's a . Deep breath.

You have to tell your friend of 28 years how you feel. I would preface your conversation by expressing the value you place on your friendship with your girl friend, and how that indeed was the reason why you wanted to include her to share such a milestone in your life with you and asked her to join you on the trip. Then transition into explaining that how you understood her travel arrangements regarding her family is not how it is coming to pass and then explain how you feel. And don't be shy. Such a long standing friendship should be able to handle a bit of bluntness. Don't beat around the bush. Explain exactly what you expressed about wanting to be the princess on this trip and how much this idea has meaning and value to you, and how you feel like instead of getting the quality time with her, instead of being the main course, so to speak, that you feel you are getting left overs. Explain that this makes you feel used, and that you don't understand how your invitation to her for your birthday vacation turned into her family vacation. Explain that your feelings are hurt.

And somehow, before you approach this conversation with her, you have to figure out what can be done to rectify the situation. You need to be ready with a resolution and open to what she may suggest. Know what will help you feel better about the situation so that it can be resolved and you don't get to the end and you both end up feeling unhappy.

Now I am interested in how this is resolved, so keep us posted. Hoping for the best for you, your friends, and your vacation.

 

[Pumpweet]

Jeannie, You are so right. I am not the main course but the leftovers. I think I will use this in explaining to her how I feel. She e-mailed me yesterday saying that her DH has almost finished their plans for the trip and she will send me their schedule soon. I think this will be the definitive moment. If I am an afterthought I will speak up. If she is offended she always has the option of staying at ASMusic with her family. This will make me very sad but something in this whole storyline has punched my buttons and must be resolved. I refuse to be "penciled in" at my own celebration. Unfortunately, I don't think anything will actually change. When I asked for just one all-girl day her reply was that she would be doing parks each day with her family but would still leave time for "the girls". We shall see. Thank you for your help and wisdom and I did have a very happy birthday.

 

[disneyaddicted]

I really hope this all works out for you. I know you don't want to hurt your friends feelings but she has hurt yours and even though I am sure it was unintentional she treated the situation with little to no regard of how it would make you feel. What if when you talk to her you suggest she go ahead and stay at ASMusic with her family, give her your schedule (instead of she giving you hers) and then she can work around your plans, this is your time and you said that clearly when you invited her, stay the main course and let her be the leftovers. 28 years is a long time to be friends, I think asking for one full day is fair, and she couldn't even give you that.
Go and have a wonderful time.

 

[Pumpweet]

For anyone who may care to know, I asked my friend to stay with her family at ASMu with her DH and DD during my gal-pal trip. I apologized for changing my mind but stated that I felt like "leftovers instead the main course." Thank you Jmsadams for that one. She is very hurt so I am trying to do major damage control. The trip is still a month away which leaves time to let the dust settle. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me and am now eagerly starting to count the days. I phoned the other two gals and told them all that had transpired. They agreed that trying to schedule our days to accomodate her family could have become a headache with us waiting on her instead of being footloose and fancy free. In the meantime, I'm trying to think of something nice to do for she and her family while they are at Disney. Perhaps a special treat waiting for them in their room when they arrive. More suggestions on how to mend this fence and a special treat would be welcome.

 

[TxRabbit]

Nothing brilliant comes to mind right now except to keep lines of communication open. I know you still want her to participate in your birthday celebration vacation, so just act like it, knowing that she may or may not be a part of the plans that you have. Let her know your ADR schedule if you haven't already. Or perhaps give her something that she can keep with her on the trip that has the schedule. If you have an idea of what you will be doing, then communicate that to her, and perhaps suggest a means for keeping up with each other while on the trip, like a daily phone call, etc.

Now she will probably be feeling like an outsider for the plans and it may be difficult for her to feel welcome in participating at all unless you really form that bridge for her and let her know that she is welcome.

Isn't this all just so complicated? I believe that on the other side of this hurdle your relationship will be even more intimate and cherished as this fence is mended. If any other thoughts come to mind, I'll post again. Keep us posted.

 

[Pumpweet]

OMG, My friend's husband just sent me a very lengthy e-mail. Needless to say, I am on his poo-poo list. I am not to tell her about his e-mail of course. He made it clear that the friendship between our families is now over. Although we have known each other for nearly three decades, it has been a long distance relatiionship. My friend and I lived near each other for about six months and then she returned home. We see each other on average about every 3-4 years. My husband's family just happens to live a few towns away from them and that is really what has kept us in touch. In spite of being told off just now I am glad that I stood up for myself. They are very offended but I just couldn't keep silent anymore. I think I will not write anything back to them for a few days and see what happens. I'm seeing a side of them that I didn't know was there. They are probably thinking the same. It makes me think of a Carrie Underwood song that says, "Some bridges burned, some pages turned but there were lessons learned." Always be clear and up front with people.

 

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

Wow, I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I don't understand what part of "my birthday" and "girls only" they didn't understand.

I think milestone birthdays (such as 50) are a good time to remind ourselves of what's important, of asserting ourselves when others are kind of treating us like crap.

I'm sorry that your friend (and her husband) feel it necessary to make your birthday about themselves. It's a shame, but better to know now than to have a moody person along the whole time dragging you down.

You absolutely did the right thing - you were not rude or mean but expressed your feelings and you have EVERY right to do so!! Poo Poo to his poopy list - dumb, stupid poopyhead (as my 4 year old nephew would say).

Happy, happy birthday. Don't sweat the small stuff. Enjoy your trip with your friends!

 

[TxRabbit]

Wow. Obviously the next phase of your life was to be entered into without the presense of your friend. There is a season for all things...I can only imagine the heartache that would have happened on your trip had you not asserted yourself now.

I don't think the husband understood the nature of the trip from the beginning, and I doubt that the wife explained it well to him for whatever reason, guilt, fear Now the husband is working from a perspective that isn't clear, because again, I doubt the wife explained the situation to him well, and probably didn't accept responsibility for how her actions were the reason that you responded as you did. From the outside, I discern serious communication issues between the two of them and this would have been horrible to deal with on your vacation.

This birthday milestone speaks to me of greater things for you, evidenced by your assertiveness in communicating with your friend. You demonstrate a generous giving heart, and now you have demonstrated that you will also not be taken advantage of. That combination is powerful. A combination like that can change lives. I wonder what is in store for you....

 

[Pumpweet]

The gal-pal drama continues. When I read my friend's Dh's e-mail I only read the first paragraph. When I read the entire thing I realized he thought that I was wanting to end the friendship. Many e-mails have been sent since then and I think all is well between long time friends once again. My friend will stay with her DH and DD. She will share the previously planned meals with the gal-pals and everything else will be decided once we are at Disney. Her husband is no longer having to plan his schedule around "girl time" and we gals are free to come and go as we please without worrying about waiting for someone else. This is all I ever wanted and I think my friend now understands. She also came clean with me and told me of some health problems she is having and that she was afraid to venture so far away from home without her DH. She will actually be needing a wheelchair while in the parks and possibly elsewhere. She didn't want to worry me before the trip and was hoping that she would be better by then. I am so relieved that this has been resolved and thank all Diser's who offered encouragement and advice. I cannot wait to see my cousin's face when she walks into the Wilderness Lodge lobby for the first time. I am almost tasting the cedar plank salmon at Artist's Point where we will have dinner our first night. We are all planning our wardrobes for California Grill on our last night together. I know Ill cry as I say good-by to each friend and watch them board the Magical Express bus. I've made sure that I am the last one leaving. And it all starts one month from today.

 

[TxRabbit]

Ahhhhhh a happy end to such troubles. Really, it's reading about situations such as this that reminds me of the value of clear honest communication. How much easier it all might have been if your friend had been upfront with you about her illness and her motivation behind decisions she was making. Thankfully, your long standing friendship could make it through the confusion.

I am so hoping that you have a wonderful vacation and that your friend's illness passes quickly and that she will be able to enjoy her visit as well. Post again and give us a full report after your trip. We'll be waiting to hear...

 

[Scornelius]

Oh Pumpweet, I'm so happy this all worked out for you!! I felt so bad for you and the loss of the friendship as I read the thread. I think it's terrific that you guys have everything settled, and you can finally plan your trip with excitement instead of dread.
Only 1 month away!!

 

[OhMari]

Are you still asking for something to give them. I would suggest finding a nice place for them to eat and sending a WDW gift card maybe to pay for it. Not all TS are that expensive. You could do a lunch at Rose and Crown, or the Tusker House at Animal kingdom.

PM me when you return home and tell us all about your 50th Birthday celebrations for our TR Boards.

OhMari
Trip Report Moderator