Funerals and children

[NewmanFamily6]

My children's Great Grandmother just passed away Her funeral is Monday and it is open casket. Does anyone have any advice on how to best prep the children. This is the first funeral they have ever been to and they are already struggling. I'm just not sure the best way to approach this

 

[wilma-bride]

Deleted...

 

[barkley]

i want to suggest that you prepare them for how others in attendance may react.

attending a funeral is difficult enough for a child, but if there are family members that may have a tendancy to realy "lose it" at these events it can be very unnerving, confusing and frightening to a child.

my sympathies on your loss.

 

[kacaju]

I am sorry for your loss.

my 3 kids have been to many funerals, they are now 17, 14 and 10.
I have never made a big deal over it. It is a fact of life for them. Also, I never forced them when they were younger to go near the casket. I explained to them that the person may look a little different then they are used to seeing them, and only if they wanted to they could go into the room where the casket was and view the body. All funerals homes I have even been to have a separate room so when they were smaller one of us would stay there with them.

I do agree though, if you have family that wails at funerals, then it may be different.

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

I am sorry for your loss.
My grandmother passed 2 years ago. We did not have a wake, only a funeral service, but my girls and nephews and niece had their first experience with death which prepared them for my granfather passing this past June. Our children are 12, 11, 10, 9 and 8 and were very close to him. We had them to pick out pictures and make a collage for the funeral home to display during the viewing. This made them happy and we were able to reminisce about past memories. We also let them pick out one thing to put in his casket.
They only came to the funeral home the morning of the funeral and we told them that they did not have to see the body, it was really up to them. We explained that there is a lot of make up on him and that he would look different. My mother took them in another room and planned to stay until we were ready to leave for the church. After about 10 minutes, my oldest nephew appeared beside me at the casket to look at him. Then the next and next one came in. My 8 year old had a hard time because she is very sensitive, but the others did great. The hardest part was when they called us to our cars and we all had to say goodbye. That was hard on everyone.
I wish you the best.

 

[Buckalew11]

My advice would be to go early so they can go in before others get there. Let them lead you. Your kids are old enough to really have a discussion about death and dying so be prepared for a lot of questions and thoughts & also be ready for extreme quiet. All the kids in my family handle funerals differently.

Preparing them for others' reaction is also a good idea as others suggested.

I took my DD with me to sign the book when she was very young & it was a stranger to her, a close friend of DH's parent but neither DD nor I had ever met him. She was probably 3 and full of curiousity and questions. This way the first non-living person she saw was not someone she knew or was close to.

When it comes to death and funerals, I'm big on following kids' leads. If they want to see her, let them. If they was to sit quietly in a chair or pew, let them. I hate seeing people force kids up to a casket and yes, I have seen that.

I'm sorry for your family's loss. I hope the funeral goes well.

 

[Michelle and crew]

My advice would be to go early so they can go in before others get there. Let them lead you. Your kids are old enough to really have a discussion about death and dying so be prepared for a lot of questions and thoughts & also be ready for extreme quiet. All the kids in my family handle funerals differently.

Preparing them for others' reaction is also a good idea as others suggested.

I took my DD with me to sign the book when she was very young & it was a stranger to her, a close friend of DH's parent but neither DD nor I had ever met him. She was probably 3 and full of curiousity and questions. This way the first non-living person she saw was not someone she knew or was close to.

When it comes to death and funerals, I'm big on following kids' leads. If they want to see her, let them. If they was to sit quietly in a chair or pew, let them. I hate seeing people force kids up to a casket and yes, I have seen that.

I'm sorry for your family's loss. I hope the funeral goes well.

Well said. I would add that one of my sons was more uncomfortable than the other two. For the first coupld of funerals he atteded, he wanted to sit in the hall, and we allowed him to.

 

[mjkacmom]

Growing up, I went to MANY wakes and funerals, so it's never been an issue for me. My kids have only been to one, my grandmother, and breezed through (they were little). My great aunt's wake is today, and the kids have so many activities, but I'm going to try my best to get them to the funeral home. They saw her every Christmas, and I really want to get them used to wakes and funerals, and this is the perfect opportunity, since she was so old. I let them know that we believe that the soul is in heaven, the body gave out, the deceased was tired and hurting, and is in a better place. We can be sad, though.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

they are already struggling.

What exactly do you mean by this?

My experience with my own children is that they follow your lead. Taking into consideration each child's personality, of course. If you know you have a child who will really freak out, then I might consider leaving that child with a sitter for the services. Otherwise, chances are that if you're fine with it, they'll be fine with it. Just talk it through beforehand.

 

[Kim♥DISNEY]

When I was little, I went to a lot of funerals ... we have a big family and it was part of life.

My sons have been to quite a few funerals now. They were small when we took them to the first one, we told them about the "logistics" of what was going on. We stood next to them at the home and when they had questions, we answered them truthfully. They were inquisitive but that was the extend of it.

Now, they have not been to any funerals were they have been REALLY close to the person, so this could be very different for you.

I would let your children lead you through the process. If things are not going well, just take them home.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My dd's also went to visitations from a young age on. They are 14 and 19 now.

We told them that we go to visitations and we are to be very respectful of people's feelings and that some people are going to be sad.

If your children do not know how to "formally greet" people, as in a handshake and a formal greeting, then we would do a run through with some role playing with that. It is good practice for learning how to be composed in a different situation.

You are their teacher in this so teach them what to expect and how to behave. I know it isn't easy, but it has to be done. I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[okeydokey]

Your youngest is 7? I would never suggest he approach the open coffin. It's OK for them to stay in a different room for the night.

 

[goofy4tink]

My dd was almost 10 when my mother died. She was incredibly close to her Meme...so we knew it was going to be hard for her. She hadn't been to a funeral before..this would be a first for her. She was horrified about the idea of going up to Meme's open coffin...we told her she didn't need to do that, but she did have to go to the calling hours with us. There was a room, off to the side, away from the actual viewing room, but still able to see everyone, where the younger kids were seated.
We got there about 30 mins before calling hours started so we could have some family time alone with Mom. I was shocked when dd came over and told me she wanted to go to Meme and say a prayer. I went with her..it was so moving...my mother would have been to proud of 'her Kate'.
My dd sat there, and was so respectful during the long period of calling hours. At the end, when it was time to say our goodbyes to Mom, she again went up to the open casket, touched Meme's hand, and wept for a bit.

Is it a good thing for them to go?? Yes, absolutely. But it is not neccesary for them to go up to the casket if they don't want to. They should be able to take their time doing that. But, they need to understand that dying is a part of life. Calling hours and funerals are a part of the grieving process. Kids need to see that adults are saddened and cry as well...that it's all perfectly normal.

 

[ccgirl]

I just went thru this just this past May. My great granfather (whom my DD7 was very close to) passed away. I gave her the option to come as I was leaving my DS2 with a sitter anyway. She decided to come. I did prepare her for how sad everyone was going to be. She told me she did not want to see the body as she wanted to remember his as alive and happy. She actually spoke at the funeral, again her choice. As the other little cousins were crying she said, don't worry...he is in heaven smiling down at us. Just his body is in the casket. My SiL got very upset by this. Guess she didn't want to have a discussion with my niece. Anyway, my niece was a mess with everyone else crying and having no idea what was going on. My best advice is to be open with your children, have a discussion with them and hear what they would like to do. All children handle it differently but I think the children that were best prepared seem to handle the situation best. I am so sorry for your loss. It is never easy.

 

[ccgirl]

My dd was almost 10 when my mother died. She was incredibly close to her Meme...so we knew it was going to be hard for her. She hadn't been to a funeral before..this would be a first for her. She was horrified about the idea of going up to Meme's open coffin...we told her she didn't need to do that, but she did have to go to the calling hours with us. There was a room, off to the side, away from the actual viewing room, but still able to see everyone, where the younger kids were seated.
We got there about 30 mins before calling hours started so we could have some family time alone with Mom. I was shocked when dd came over and told me she wanted to go to Meme and say a prayer. I went with her..it was so moving...my mother would have been to proud of 'her Kate'.
My dd sat there, and was so respectful during the long period of calling hours. At the end, when it was time to say our goodbyes to Mom, she again went up to the open casket, touched Meme's hand, and wept for a bit.

Is it a good thing for them to go?? Yes, absolutely. But it is not neccesary for them to go up to the casket if they don't want to. They should be able to take their time doing that. But, they need to understand that dying is a part of life. Calling hours and funerals are a part of the grieving process. Kids need to see that adults are saddened and cry as well...that it's all perfectly normal.

I just wanted to say that this post moved me tremendously. My DD7 is Kate as well and she is extremely close to her Nana. She has watched her every day while I was at work since she was a little baby. I dread the day that my mom passes. I think as much pain as I will be in; it will be so hard watching my DD in so much pain. Sounds like your DD handled it tremendously. You must have been so proud. Anyway, just wanted to let you know I was very moved (to tears in fact).

 

[Magpie]

My father-in-law died a few years ago, when my children were about 5 and 7. I don't think I really did any conscious prep, but I was available to answer their questions and I told them their daddy and everyone else were going to be very sad and might even cry.

We talked a lot about what death meant, and I explained to them our personal beliefs around it. For us, that meant telling them that our bodies are just homes for our souls, and that when we die, it's only our bodies that die - like a toy or a machine that gets worn out and doesn't work any more. Our souls are eternal.

During the funeral, I gave my 5yo son the box of Kleenex and told him to give it to anyone who needed it. He saw his father start to cry, and ran over to him with the Kleenex. His dad picked him up, and hugged him and then let him go to give some Kleenex to his grandma, who was also crying. My son felt important - like he had a job to do and could help people - and no one minded a small boy moving around during the service.

My daughter sat with me, but afterward when everyone was getting up, she walked up to the box where her grandfather's ashes lay and she knelt down and talked to him for a little bit. I didn't hover, but I kept an eye on her. I don't know what she said, but I assume it needed saying. Beyond that, she was quiet and a little sad, but otherwise fine.

Afterward everyone went back to Grandma's house and we all ate the food the neighbours had brought over, and we told funny stories (not all complimentary!) about Grandpa. Pretty much the rest of the week was a repeat of that - alcohol, food and lots of laughter. We included the kids in the stories, told them about Grandpa's life, and encouraged them to remember what they liked best about Grandpa. We also watched Grandpa's favorite movies and TV shows. Lots of the Simpsons!

I think laughter is an important part of the grieving process. You can't cry and be sad and serious all the time, especially around children.

 

[Kae]

In my family if you don't wish to go up to the casket you don't have to. Let them see how they feel about it.

Kae

 

[mousebymarriage]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I agree with the posters that said not to force your child to go up to the casket, let them decide.

When my mother died in march 2009 both of my children attended the funeral. We told them that it was completely up to them if they wanted to attend and we would understand if they didn't want to (because it was in Florida and we live in New Jersey, DH told the kids he would stay back at my moms house with them if they didn't want to go). Both children decided to attend , DD was 12 at the time and DS was 7. I also did not force either to approach the casket, DD wanted to say "goodbye" so she spent quite a while at the casket alone, DS went up very quickly when I was up there and then spent the rest of the time sitting in the back with DH (DS took the entire thing very hard).

Then in August 2009 DH's uncle died but, only DD attended the funeral. We left the decision up to her and she wanted to go. DS stayed home with me because he was having a very difficult time with 2 deaths in the family so close together.

*DH insisted that neither child be forced to attend the funerals or go up to the casket because he was forced to go up to the casket when his aunt died (he was 6 or 7) and he said he would never do that to his own children.

 

[mjkacmom]

Your youngest is 7? I would never suggest he approach the open coffin. It's OK for them to stay in a different room for the night.

While I would never force a child to approach the coffin, I see no problem with it. When dd9 was 3, she stroked my grandmother's cheek. As for attending, my kids don't have a choice. When I told ds12, 5 minutes ago, that we're going to a wake at 7, he said "and what are you getting us," joking that they are doing something above and beyond, and should be compensated (joking).

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

I am 26 and won't go up to the coffin, being at a funeral home really makes me uneasy. I only went when my Nan passed (who I was very close to) but I didn't go to the casket, and when my little cousin passed (again no casket), and I went to 2 funeral services for other family members. This creates a lot of problems in my family (my Dad is Italian, my mom's side Irish) but its just something I cannot do.

So I will NEVER force my kids to up to the casket, but if they wanted to obviously they could. I think everyone grieves differently.