Funeral- would this upset you?

[lillygator]

and I wasn't attacking = you previously posted having a wild amount of funerals to attend...was that not factual? And many others aside from you are going through a rough patch, maybe your BIL is one of them and glossing it over. He SHOULD not have had to be there!! What don't you get about that?? You may feel like you NEED to be there, but YOU can't control others....get over it.

Yes, I am back. It was an incredibly long and difficult day and I stand by my opinion that he should have been there. IT would have meant the world to his grandmother, his father, his brother, and his sister. I agree, he will have to live with that decision.

And since you seem to care so much , yes we have had as you say, a wild amount of funerals since November. BTW I think that is incredibly rude of you to attack someone with that as this has been an incredibly difficult past 3 months.....but anyway since you asked.....
My great Uncle- went to funeral
My dad's cousin- went to hospital, went to viewing (2.5 hours away)
My aunt's FIL (like a grandparent)- no service....memorial service will be in the spring
My dad's close friend- went to viewing, I did not know him well but went out of respect for my dad
My godmother's dad (like a grandparent)- went to funeral
My great Uncle- did not attend...funeral was today at same time
DH's grandfather- obviously attended all services

 

[Piglet4Ever]

Well, it is hard for us because FIL is very upset about not just the passing but with BIL not being there. MIL keeps making excuses for BIL, but it isn't her father that passed. FIL and BIL are very close so this is a big deal to him and is adding a lot of stress at a very difficult time for FIL.

This sounds like something your FIL needs to discuss with your BIL if he has such bad feelings about it. I personally think to each his own, we can't make others feel or act the way we want them too, no matter how much we try.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I wouldn't be upset with him. He did drive up to be with the family on Friday and stayed through Sunday.

Some people are not good with funerals, maybe he is one of those persons. If he wouldn't have cared for grandfather, he wouldn't have driven all that way on Friday. If FIL really wanted him there, did he mention this to him?

The family can let this fester and create problems or be grateful that he was there at the end of grandfather's life and spent a few days with them before he had to leave.

I have not been able to make it to all of the family funerals in the last few years due to distance/work/other life situations. My extended family understands that and I understand when they cannot make it. We do what we can, it does not mean that we care any less. Each family is different in their expectations and if they are close, should be understanding of what another family member is/isn't able to do. In this case, be glad that he came at all and was able to spend time with them at the moment grandfather passed and those hard hours right after.



ETA==Just because you have personal days, does not mean that you can always use them at will. Where I teach, we have blackout days and no personal days can be used. If we need to be gone, we are docked a day's pay and may have to pay for the sub as well. Don't know if that was the case with him or not. Even if it isn't, he made his choices and did what he felt was right.

 

[lillygator]

and personal days are just that..."personal" not what others think you need to use them as.

 

[wdwfan16]

Yes, I am back. It was an incredibly long and difficult day and I stand by my opinion that he should have been there. IT would have meant the world to his grandmother, his father, his brother, and his sister. I agree, he will have to live with that decision.

And since you seem to care so much , yes we have had as you say, a wild amount of funerals since November. BTW I think that is incredibly rude of you to attack someone with that as this has been an incredibly difficult past 3 months.....but anyway since you asked.....
My great Uncle- went to funeral
My dad's cousin- went to hospital, went to viewing (2.5 hours away)
My aunt's FIL (like a grandparent)- no service....memorial service will be in the spring
My dad's close friend- went to viewing, I did not know him well but went out of respect for my dad
My godmother's dad (like a grandparent)- went to funeral
My great Uncle- did not attend...funeral was today at same time
DH's grandfather- obviously attended all services

Why did you only go to the viewing? 2.5 hours is far fewer than 6 hours.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

Why did you only go to the viewing? 2.5 hours is far fewer than 6 hours.

obviously she didn't like him and didn't care if others needed her support!

 

[Mickey's Minion]

My DH's grandfather passed away this weekend. He has been having some pretty serious health issues and he took a turn for the worse last week and passed very late on Friday night. Most of the immediate family is local. There is a grandchild that drove her family in from Maine, another that came in from NY, and BIL who drove up from Virginia. This is a pretty close family, we see each other all the time.

So the viewing was last night and the funeral/mass is today. Last night at the viewing BIL is not there. Turns out he drove back to Virginia on Sunday. He didn't want to miss any more work for the funeral (he is a high school gym teacher...he left Friday afternoon around lunch time so he only missed 1 afternoon of school). MIL also said he was really upset that he missed Valentines Day with his wife. I couldn't believe that they were making excuses for him! Many relatives were inquiring where he was. Would this bother anyone else? My DH is really mad about this...but obviously won't say anything. I am missing work and since I am a temp I won't get paid for the day but it never even crossed my mind not to go to the funeral. This is his GRANDFATHER!

So, what do you think?

No, it would not bother me at all. His grief, his right to handle it the way he sees fit.

What would bother me would be having family so petty and unsupportive that they would judge me by how they have determined grief and funerals should be handled.

With relatives like that, no wonder he texted his wife so much. She probably was supportive of his grief.

 

[kaytieeldr]

To clarify....he had school last week. They didn't miss for those storms as their area of Virginia didn't get hit with the storms.

It was his grandfather. That is a pretty close relative in my book.

He wasn't at the viewing. He left the day before.

He FORGOT to find out the bereavement policy in his contract before he left school on Friday.

Respectfully, it appears you're seeking justification and support for being angry with him.

Perhaps his employer's bereavement policy only allows for one day for relatives beyond one's spouse/child/parent/sibling - and he effectively took that day on Friday. Possibly he grieves differently than you. Maybe he has less-fond memories of his grandfather.

Could be anything. I'm only this far in the thread, so I don't know what the other responses will be - but so far, most are understanding of his actions.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

See that is the thing. He doens't have a strained relationship at all with anyone. And yes Virginia is far...but not that far. 6 hours or so. He drives up all the time for other stuff, so the distance isn't really a huge factor. I don't think his wife was demanding he come home either...she wanted to be here but couldn't because she just started a new job with funky hours...which everyone understood.

I just don't know anyone who was raised to not attend a grandparents funeral unless for extreme circumstances so this just BOGGLES my mind and FIL is very upset.

Most people I know consider grandparents a "try, but not inappropriate if you cannot make it" funeral.

I know so many friends who have not attended their grandparent's funerals for many different reasons, most of them being family commitments.

Grandparents are a generation removed, they are not immediate family. Not attending their funeral does not take anything away from their love and their grief for their grandparent, it just means that their immediate family needed them more.

I don't know many people who think grandparent funerals are mandatory. Not attending does not reflect at all on how dearly they loved their grandparents.

Rather than beating up on your BIL, I would be happy that he took an entire weekend away from his family to come say goodbye. Whether he physically attended the actual funeral means nothing. He came down, he paid his respects.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

He has 8 personal days accrued so he didn't HAVE to go back to work even if he would get no bereavement. He CHOSE to go back to work. She doesn't qualify for anything at this point so she didn't have much of a choice. That is the distinction.

So what?

If I only had 8 days of personal leave, you better be sure that those days would be reserved for my family. He came down, he paid his respects. Just because he didn't stay an extra day, burning up precious leave time, he didn't fit "your" rules for bereaved grandchildren?

You keep whining that he had 8 days. There are other reasons he may not have been able to take "that" particular day off. Perhaps he had an important staffing for a challenged kid and due to privacy reasons, could not tell you about that.

Perhaps he had a big project he promised his students he would be there for.

With the judgments made by your family, I can easily see why he didn't tell you the reason he had to be back and was satisfied with you and your family believing he is a cad for not taking the day off or not checking the bereavement policy.

And as other's have mentioned, many, many employers do not consider grandparents as immediate family so do not include them in the bereavement policies. Did you call his school district to check up on his bereavement policy? Because I am confused how you know so much about it when the BIL forgot to check. If he doesn't know his policy, how come your family knows it so well?

And FWIW - our family is extremely close. We spend holidays together and more importantly, we spend time that is not around a holiday together. There are relatives that do not make other relative's funerals. No problem, we understand that people have other things in their lives. The important thing to us is the time we spend together as living relatives.

 

[kaytieeldr]

No, they are just hopeless romantics and also very naive. He had NO IDEA what bereavement leave was so it never occurred to him to find out if he got it. He had NO IDEA that many people do not celebrate Valentines Day or do not go all out for it (I did get a card from DH, but understandably it was the last thing on his mind this weekend).

So, he had no idea what bereavement leave is, and had no way to find out on a weekend (and, reasonably, waiting until work opened again - when it would have been too late for him to get back to work if he discovered it's not a benefit offered by his employer)? Naive, sure - but not a legitimate reason for others to be angry over his action/knowledge.

And while many don't celebrate Valentine's Day, many do - he and his wife among them. Your family's decision not to celebrate is, well, your family's decision. He and his wife do.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I just don't know anyone who was raised to not attend a grandparents funeral unless for extreme circumstances so this just BOGGLES my mind and FIL is very upset.

Well, I guess it depends what you mean by extreme. I didn't attend my grandparents' funerals because I was, respectively, not yet conceived, five, twelve, and thirteen (plus the latter two involved flying, i.e. the cost of an additional ticket).

My mother didn't go to her sister's funeral due to distance; their brother went only because he was on the plane on his way to visit when she died. Otherwise there would have been no family members except her daughter.

My dad died before his brother, who didn't come to the funeral - and yet nobody was upset. Yes, I'm sure - by that time, my mom confided in me, what with me being an adult and all.

 

[MiniGirl]

I posted early in the thread and have just come back to it.

OP, you are obviously upset, and have ttried to explain why you feel the way you do. However, none of what you have posted changes my opinion. Even with the new info you posted, I would not be bothered that he left to go back home. I simply wouldn't be. Life is too short to let things like that upset me.

But.... what's done is done. He may come to regret his decision and then again, he may not. The only question that remains is how are you going to let it affect you. I hope you and the others in your family that are so upset are able to move past this.

 

[kaytieeldr]

He has 8 personal days accrued so he didn't HAVE to go back to work even if he would get no bereavement. He CHOSE to go back to work.

So he chose to return to work instead of staying for the viewing/funeral. We understand that. Respectfully, to this point (post 43), I haven't seen one response that thinks the grandfather's family is justified in being hurt/angered by your brother in law choosing to go home after two days.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I just don't know anyone who was raised to not attend a grandparents funeral

Kaytieelder. Nice to meet you - even under stressful circumstances.

I wasn't raised to attend ANY funeral. Yes, I'm aware it's respectful. Yes, when I know the person (or to represent my dwindling family when a member closer to the deceased can't make it), I will go. But I wasn't "raised to" attend ANY funeral. I know what you mean, but stating it that way is, well, kind of unsettling.

 

[jrmasm]

Yes, I am back. It was an incredibly long and difficult day and I stand by my opinion that he should have been there. IT would have meant the world to his grandmother, his father, his brother, and his sister. I agree, he will have to live with that decision.

And since you seem to care so much , yes we have had as you say, a wild amount of funerals since November. BTW I think that is incredibly rude of you to attack someone with that as this has been an incredibly difficult past 3 months.....but anyway since you asked.....
My great Uncle- went to funeral
My dad's cousin- went to hospital, went to viewing (2.5 hours away)
My aunt's FIL (like a grandparent)- no service....memorial service will be in the spring
My dad's close friend- went to viewing, I did not know him well but went out of respect for my dad
My godmother's dad (like a grandparent)- went to funeral
My great Uncle- did not attend...funeral was today at same time
DH's grandfather- obviously attended all services

Since it's ok to judge other peoples' choices about funeral attendence, I think you were wrong to miss your great uncles's funeral in favor of someone you were not related to.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Everyone doesn't have to like everyone in their family.

I know one family where there was so much animosity, when one adult sibling died, a police detail was hired to keep the other siblings away from the funeral! Cousins, fine. Friends, great. Coworkers, sure. Siblings? NO way.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Not at all, what I was trying to say is we all have to do things we don't want to do.

Wouldn't that include NOT judging your BIL negatively for his decision?

 

[kaytieeldr]

I see it the same way. We all have different ways of celebrating family.

True. Isn't it more important to celebrate a person's life DURING their life, than to honor their memory after they die?

"Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep"
Lyrics by Mary Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!)

 

[Mickey's Minion]

So it's five days out of his life. But good for BIL... he did what he wanted to do, which has become the ultimate good in our sociey.

Not sacrifice, not duty, not commitment... but 100% self fulfillment. Sounds like my toddler.

Sounds like you are the one who wants 100% self fulfillment. You want everybody to behave according to your definition of proper behavior with no capacity for flexibility or understanding.

He was there supporting his family for 3 days.

Constantly passing judgement on other people will pretty much assure one's grandchildren will not show up at their funeral.