Funeral Expenses

[ronandannette]

So sorry for you loss, OP - glad to hear that you feel like things are under control. The advice given by a PP is correct - the funeral home at the destination is able to take care of all the transport arrangements - no need to deal separately with one at the current location. You seem to have figured that out, and that's good. I must say though, the Funeral Director you're dealing with sounds like a real knob - the sort that give them a bad name. I regret that for you; he should be handling the situation of your 3rd party casket much more professionally. If you're the assertive type I'd suggest addressing him directly on his conduct if he makes one more snarky, passive-aggressive comment about it.

As for the honorarium for the church/minister, some officiants are paid directly for their services and a separate amount goes as a "donation" to the church for the facilities. The funeral home should tell you what's customary; it could be anywhere from $200 to $500. The headstone will likely be a separate transaction made at some time in the future; rarely are they erected at the same time as the service. If that is common where you're from, I'd just google "granite monuments". Lots of these kind of companies have actual showrooms where you can go and see samples. Check out a couple the same way you'd make any other buying decision. Unlike the funeral itself, the "pressure" is kind of off to make quick decisions. Good luck and God bless.

 

[MomToOne]

OP, first off, my condolences to you, your mother and any other family members.

For my father's memorial service, we gave an honorarium directly to the priest - his secretary was able to clue us in on the "customary" amount. We also used the church pianist and cantor, they were a defined fee that the church secretary was also able to give us (plus we tipped a bit over that). Because the priest had gone above and beyond in a very meaningful way during the last weeks of my father's life, my mother also chose to give a donation to the church's organ fund, which they were actively collecting for at the time.

We also did funeral mass cards, but that is a total "if you want" sort of thing - it's just a tradition in our family. It might even be mostly a Catholic thing, I don't really know. You can find companies online that do them cheaper than you would get through the funeral home. The online companies can do some less traditional options - in my father's case, we went with a Celtic cross on the front, and a simple Irish blessing on the back. He would have been MUCH happier with that than the more traditional type of cards you see.

My brother took care of publishing the obituary in the local paper. There was a fee there. I think he ran it for 3 days?

Another expense in our family is the meal after the service - but again, that depends on your traditions as to whether or not you even do that. Generally we just have a bunch of dishes catered at a family member's house to keep it simple but for my father's service we had a massive sit-down meal at a local restaurant for probably 70 people. My father's favorite thing was having his family all together for a nice, loud, restaurant dinner, and it was his request that we send him off this way. (He actually donated his body to science because he hated the expense of funerals so much - he didn't see the point. He only agreed to let us to have a memorial service at a church because I told him it was for the living to get a sense of peace and resolution about it all, not necessary "for" him!)

One day, we will be getting my father's ashes back. When we do, we will probably have them interred in a Veteran's cemetery near where he was raised, or will scatter them somewhere.

 

[Fire14]

Is there anything I am missing? What do you normally tip/ donate to the church for the service? How about headstones? These are the large upright kind. That is done through the funeral home/or church? Anything to be aware of?

We just used FH chapel for my mother, Her headstone was bought from Cemetary As they had special requirements for types allowed there but there are lots of places we could have gone ( yellow pages are great for looking up places to check out).

 

[dbogen]

My Mom just passed on Saturday, so I am very familiar with the costs (unfortunately). The cost was around 11,000 and that wasn't going with top of the line everything. I priced the coffin from Costco and it was only 200.00 cheaper than the funeral home and that was before shipping. It just wasn't worth it for me. There was another 1200. for the cemetery, it will be more if they hit rock tomorrow (hello it's CT, there is going to be rock) and then we will have to pick a headstone. They suggested 150. for the Deacon to do the service, we haven't gotten the flower cost yet, but I expect it to be around 800. We are going to a local restaurant after the funeral, that should run another 800. or so. Oh and lets not forget that going through probate is going to cost us a few thousand more. So all total we figure it going to cost us 20.000.00 to bury our mom with a very simple service, and close her affairs when she owned nothing other than part of the family home.

I am sorry for your loss, the loss of a parent really sucks, no matter how prepared you thought you were.

 

[mjkacmom]

The price for the funeral home here included everything, including the church. The headstone is usually put there later. We still haven't added my mom's name to the headstone.

 

[4HOLIDAYS]

Again, let me say thank you to all who are responding. And to Deanna, I am sorry for your loss of your mom. It is kind of you to answer while going though the same thing as me. And yes, it does suck.

I feel better running all these questions and info through all of you. Where would I be without the Dis?

My dad would like that I am getting advise here, he knew I was always quoting info for our many WDW trips and cruises from my friends on these boards. My dad and mom are the ones who got us started on our "love of disney" , starting with being at MK for the grand opening in Oct 1971. They sort of stumbled on it while we were in FL on vacation. We always said we should put the castle or mousears on his headstone. We were blessed to have done easily over 50 trips together to WDW.

 

[kymom99]

The cemetery here helped my mom choose a headstone. We did it before the funeral I think but it wasn't ready till a while after. We found out gray was cheaper than brown and printing just on the front was cheaper than both sides. we didn't pay extra for a flower vase.

My dad was eligible for a military plaque which was later attached to the back of his headstone.

 

[powellrj]

My mom just died, but she had been sick awhile, so we had time to plan everything. I know you asked about the headstone. We bought it about 9 months before she died and it took them about 5 to place it. First you had to pay someone to pour the concrete for the base and then they will place it. I found out the people we used will place them when they have others in the area to do. They don't just place them when you want them. This may not be true everywhere, but it was for us. We used who the funeral home recommended.

My mom was cremated, but we had a service first. We had a showing and then the service and then the meal. We picked up the remains a few days later. Right now I have them in a container in my living room, much to the chagrin of my kids. We will place her with my dad in the plot when he dies so we only have to open in once.

Not sure if you bought a package or not, but some of the things you need will be thank-yous (if you bought a package they will have them) stamps, a place for the flowers ( we gave hers to a in-home nursing service and they made smaller arrangements for their clients), a guest book (again if you have a package this will have it).

We did our own meal. I had my bible study serve it and my friends and I all brought sides and our church bought chicken. It was very reasonable and nice for people to relax before they had to drive home.

Our showing and service wasn't long so I didn't bring food to the funeral home, but if you are planning on a long showing, you may want to bring sandwiches to keep in the familys room. When my DDILs mom died they were there all day and evening plus they had lots of kids so I made trays of sandwiches so people could get something to eat without having to leave.

Not sure if it was because we had planned it early, but all together for everything except the headstone and plot, we paid $7000 for moms service.

 

[mjkacmom]

My mom just died, but she had been sick awhile, so we had time to plan everything. I know you asked about the headstone. We bought it about 9 months before she died and it took them about 5 to place it. First you had to pay someone to pour the concrete for the base and then they will place it. I found out the people we used will place them when they have others in the area to do. They don't just place them when you want them. This may not be true everywhere, but it was for us. We used who the funeral home recommended.

My mom was cremated, but we had a service first. We had a showing and then the service and then the meal. We picked up the remains a few days later. Right now I have them in a container in my living room, much to the chagrin of my kids. We will place her with my dad in the plot when he dies so we only have to open in once.

Not sure if you bought a package or not, but some of the things you need will be thank-yous (if you bought a package they will have them) stamps, a place for the flowers ( we gave hers to a in-home nursing service and they made smaller arrangements for their clients), a guest book (again if you have a package this will have it).

We did our own meal. I had my bible study serve it and my friends and I all brought sides and our church bought chicken. It was very reasonable and nice for people to relax before they had to drive home.

Our showing and service wasn't long so I didn't bring food to the funeral home, but if you are planning on a long showing, you may want to bring sandwiches to keep in the familys room. When my DDILs mom died they were there all day and evening plus they had lots of kids so I made trays of sandwiches so people could get something to eat without having to leave.

Not sure if it was because we had planned it early, but all together for everything except the headstone and plot, we paid $7000 for moms service.

I've never heard of a funeral home allowing food. Here wakes are usually four hours long, some with a gap (4 - 6, 7 - 9), or a four hour block (which I prefer. There is usually a water cooler.

 

[kymom99]

I've never heard of a funeral home allowing food. Here wakes are usually four hours long, some with a gap (4 - 6, 7 - 9), or a four hour block (which I prefer. There is usually a water cooler.

Sometimes people around here will have some food for the family. When my FIL died they did everything in one day instead of evening visitation and next day mass and burial. It was a terribly long day and when my mom suggested sending coffee cake my mother in law said "It's not a party!" Seriously. There were little grandkids there and it was a long, tiring day for them. A little something to snack on would have helped a lot.

 

[ajwolfe]

Sometimes people around here will have some food for the family. When my FIL died they did everything in one day instead of evening visitation and next day mass and burial. It was a terribly long day and when my mom suggested sending coffee cake my mother in law said "It's not a party!" Seriously. There were little grandkids there and it was a long, tiring day for them. A little something to snack on would have helped a lot.

When both my parents passed away, we had snacks in the lower level of the funeral home for family/grandkids to munch on. I don't think any of my siblings and I went down but it was nice for the grandkids to have it and it was there if any of the older folks in attendance needed something. We also attended a funeral last year where they had the entire meal sat out in the funeral home lower level - large funeral home and it was an old day visitation/burial/mass.

 

[mjkacmom]

Sometimes people around here will have some food for the family. When my FIL died they did everything in one day instead of evening visitation and next day mass and burial. It was a terribly long day and when my mom suggested sending coffee cake my mother in law said "It's not a party!" Seriously. There were little grandkids there and it was a long, tiring day for them. A little something to snack on would have helped a lot.

It's a great idea, but I've been to so many wakes (especially as a child, my grandparents had a lot of sibling), and there was never and food or drinks. It's odd, because everything is about the food here. Reposts are generally full meals and open bars, at halls or restaurants. A 2 pm child's birthday party would have pizza served. I remember really wanting just a cup of coffee at my mom's wake.

 

[shoney]

It's a great idea, but I've been to so many wakes (especially as a child, my grandparents had a lot of sibling), and there was never and food or drinks. It's odd, because everything is about the food here. Reposts are generally full meals and open bars, at halls or restaurants. A 2 pm child's birthday party would have pizza served. I remember really wanting just a cup of coffee at my mom's wake.

I have read that many states in the Northeast, NY and NJ included, ban food at funeral homes.
I'm ok with that, the smell isn't appetizing...LOL

I am much rather go out to a restaurant between the sessions!

 

[mjkacmom]

I have read that many states in the Northeast, NY and NJ included, ban food at funeral homes.
I'm ok with that, the smell isn't appetizing...LOL

I am much rather go out to a restaurant between the sessions!

Ok that makes sense, since I've never seen even a soda.

 

[angierae]

We just did a memorial service for my MIL last month (cremated, no visitation, her request) and there is a kitchen/lounge area in the basement of the funeral home for friends/family. Friends of ours sent over a fruit tray and we nibbled on that but since we were only there for an hour or so before the service, we didn't make much use of it. But for a longer visitation, there's definitely food available for the family who might be staying there for a long period of time during a visitation.

I'm sorry for your loss. Our total costs were only about $3000 but we did direct cremation (so no embalming, no casket), only one day in the funeral home (memorial service, we had the room from about 9-12) and my husband did the eulogy so we didn't have to pay for a minister or anything.

 

[powellrj]

All the funeral homes around here offer coffee for free and have a soda machine to purchase sodas in the family room. Maybe because it was still colder weather, but for my mom, the funeral home had 2 coffee areas set up. There is no smell of food because I have never known anyone to bring anything that had an odor. Its usually things like a deli tray for sandwiches and salads and things like bagels and donuts

 

[seasheller]

When a friend's husaband passed away in Florida her family contacted the local funeral home in Minnesota. They arranged everything - the flight back for the body, called her at each step of the way to keep her informed what was happening (when the body was picked up from the hospital, when he was on the plane, when he arrived, etc.) Makes for one less stressor at a busy time. She did not have a funeral plan ahead of time, but this would help a great deal and probably save money in the long run.