Funeral Etiquette

[sk!mom]

We've discussed etiquette in all types of situations and the recent loss of my dad has me wondering about the "right" way to do things with regard to funerals.

First, is it OK to list a preferred charity for memorial donations? Or suggest "donations in lieu of flowers?" As we were planning the obit with the funeral director, he asked if we wanted to list a charity. Since my dad had Alzheimers, we listed alz.org. But after the fact, I wondered if it was ok (not that I was the primary decision maker anyway.) When DH's dad passed several years ago, DH did not list a charity.

Is that suggesting that donations SHOULD be made? Is it crass to be asking for money, even for charity, at a time like that? It hasn't bothered me when others have done it and I never gave it thought until now.

Part two of the things I'm now wondering about, if a preferred charity is suggested, is it OK to donate to your own preferred charity instead but still in memory of the deceased?

This did occur and for the record, before anyone flames me, I completely appreciated the gesture. I wrote a gracious thank you note. I appreciate their thoughtfulness and have no problem with the donation they made. I have always donated to whatever the suggested charity was but it made me wonder if it's ok to choose myself instead?

 

[kimblebee]

You are WAY overthinking this. Suggest the charity. People are going to tell you you're wrong either way. Personally, I see nothing wrong with it.

Sorry for your loss..

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I think it's fine.

I would probably do a double take if the charity isn't something that the deceased obviously would have personally supported but I wouldn't think negatively about it.

 

[Disney_traveler]

I don't think that it is asking for money when you list a charity as "in lieu of flowers". Hey it's better than setting up a gofundme, right?

Hugs to you over your loss. Please don't stress over it.

 

[TheJuiciestOfJs]

People will send flowers regardless, which is always nice. But having the option to donate is perfectly within acceptable etiquette

 

[King Schultz]

I see nothing wrong with it, and I would hope anyone who might would understand you and your family are dealing with an emotional and difficult time and let it go.

Sorry for your loss.

 

[jevs]

Sorry for your loss ((hugs))

Asking for donations to a charity in lieu of flowers is perfectly acceptable, it's a pretty common thing to do in Australia

 

[lynxstch]

Sorry for your loss ((hugs))

Asking for donations to a charity in lieu of flowers is perfectly acceptable, it's a pretty common thing to do in Australia

Its perfectly acceptable here in the US also!

 

[Nancyg56]

I am sorry for your loss.

It is acceptable to suggest a charity in lieu of flowers or as a memorial donation. People will still do what they want.

 

[Poohforyou]

I'm sorry foryour loss. I think listing a charity is a nice idea. It gives someone who may not be able to make the service a way to pay their respects beyond sending a note to the family, if they so choose.

 

[trip]

I, for one, would prefer to send money to a charity rather than send flowers. I usually send a note and card (sometimes with cash- gasp! )

 

[megster1123]

I'm sorry for your loss, it's a difficult time and questioning things like this doesn't make it any easier.

That being said, it's perfectly common to ask for donations in lieu of flowers. My family is full of funeral directors and it's become increasingly more frequent for families to include relevant and significant charities in obituaries and funeral notices.

 

[gwynne]

We've discussed etiquette in all types of situations and the recent loss of my dad has me wondering about the "right" way to do things with regard to funerals.

First, is it OK to list a preferred charity for memorial donations? Or suggest "donations in lieu of flowers?" As we were planning the obit with the funeral director, he asked if we wanted to list a charity. Since my dad had Alzheimers, we listed alz.org. But after the fact, I wondered if it was ok (not that I was the primary decision maker anyway.) When DH's dad passed several years ago, DH did not list a charity.

Is that suggesting that donations SHOULD be made? Is it crass to be asking for money, even for charity, at a time like that? It hasn't bothered me when others have done it and I never gave it thought until now.

Part two of the things I'm now wondering about, if a preferred charity is suggested, is it OK to donate to your own preferred charity instead but still in memory of the deceased?

This did occur and for the record, before anyone flames me, I completely appreciated the gesture. I wrote a gracious thank you note. I appreciate their thoughtfulness and have no problem with the donation they made. I have always donated to whatever the suggested charity was but it made me wonder if it's ok to choose myself instead?

Of course it's fine to suggest a charity for memorial donations. Generally the charity will send the family a letter noting the donation in memory of their loved one.
If someone has a fav charity and they really want to donate to instead I wouldn't judge that.

I think most would not see it as "asking for money." It's a nice way to honor the life of the deceased.

 

[Allison]

Providing memorial donation information in lieu of flowers is common here.

 

[bushdianee]

When my dad passed we didn't put anything in the obituary about donating to a charity and received many cards with $ in them. We didn't feel right keeping the money so we donated it to the charity related to his cause of death. With my mom, we specified a couple of charities related to her health problems but still received $ which was donated also. When we wrote out the thank you note we put in the charities we donated to. We did have some cards that stated other charities that were donated to in her name which was fine with us. There were still plenty of flowers also.

 

[Lynne M]

It's common here, too. I've never heard anyone say that it's crass or tacky, especially when it's phrased as "in lieu of flowers." To me, that's not saying "hey, you have to make a donation," it's saying "if you were thinking of sending flowers, the family would rather that you support this charity instead."

 

[roseaster]

Sorry for your loss.

What you have done is perfectly acceptable, and extremely common. We did it when my father passed away, also. My mother felt that she couldn't bear to look at a house full of flowers.

The charity sent us a nice letter listing all the people that donated and the amounts they donated.

I would think it was odd if someone chose a charity of their own choosing if you already specified one particularly if it wasn't one that would go against anyone's personal beliefs. Such as The American Cancer Society or The American Heart Association. I could see, maybe if it were a religious organization or something of that sort.

 

[sk!mom]

Thank you for all of your kind words. I really haven't stressed over it. But as the letters have come in from the charities notifying me of donations it did make me think about it.

 

[smiths02]

I don't see how it could be tacky or crass. You are asking for a donation to charity, not money/gifts for yourself.
The only way to making asking for charity money tacky would be if you required it to attend the memorial or something.

 

[maxaroni]

Sorry for your loss. I prefer donations, as opposed to flowers and agree with someone else, it's better than a gofundme. It's perfectly acceptable to list donations to a specific charity, or the charity of their choice.

What burns me is that I have donated to charities before, a couple of months go by and not a word from the person who was to be notified. Now, I understand the grief and and not being able to get out a thank you right away. I do not say anything but by the 3rd or 4th month, I finally do ask. Did you get something notifiying you that I made a donation? The answer has been no. When my mom passed 2.5 years ago, wouldn't you know it happened to me? I had several people donate to the kidney foundation and I never heard a word that they did. Some donated to the hospice we used and within a week we received a lovely card stating that a donation was made.