funeral/appropriate behavior question.

[DVCJEN]

My sister and I were discussing an extended family situation. We have a cousin who is estranged from his father. (The father and my Aunt have been divorced for 12 years) They have been estranged for probably 10 years or more. He has not heard from his father since the father never showed up for our cousin's wedding. (The father is a heavy drinker and was somewhat abusive to cousin as a child as well) Our cousin has made a few attempts at contacting his father over the last few years in the form of Christmas cards etc. but never had any response. Now he has heard that his father is in poor health and may not live long. So here is the question---

When his father passes does he have an obligation to attend the visitation/funeral/etc? My sister and I are on opposite sides of this question and it got me thinking about it. What do you think?

 

[Pam]

No, there is no obligation whatsoever.

 

[experiment626mom]

Considering the circumstances, nope.

 

[Lessa of Pern]

I htink he'd want to go, just for closure.

but I wouldn't force the issue.

 

[twinklebug]

My sister and I were discussing an extended family situation. We have a cousin who is estranged from his father. (The father and my Aunt have been divorced for 12 years) They have been estranged for probably 10 years or more. He has not heard from his father since the father never showed up for our cousin's wedding. (The father is a heavy drinker and was somewhat abusive to cousin as a child as well) Our cousin has made a few attempts at contacting his father over the last few years in the form of Christmas cards etc. but never had any response. Now he has heard that his father is in poor health and may not live long. So here is the question---

When his father passes does he have an obligation to attend the visitation/funeral/etc? My sister and I are on opposite sides of this question and it got me thinking about it. What do you think?

I would say that it would be entirely up to the son to decide if he feels comfortable attending or not & no one has a right to take issue with it. It's all between the two men.
I do stongly believe that the son should kept informed of the father's health as it happens. Perhaps the old injuries can be healed before the end comes.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

MO - He's not obligated to go.

 

[Tigger_Magic]

I htink he'd want to go, just for closure.

but I wouldn't force the issue.

I agree. I had an uncle with whom I did not get along well at all. However, I attended his funeral, just for closure. Even though I never truly liked him, I felt it was important to pay my final respects, because he was, after all, family.

 

[puffkin]

I don't think he is obligated to go, and I don't think anyone would blame him for not going.

However, I think there would be a certain amount of closure in going, and it might be something he regrets later in life if he does not go.

Either way, he will be the one who has to live with this choice the rest of his life, so he should make the choice on his own.

 

[Microcell]

I have the same issue with my father myself. I am leaning toward going in order to support my sisters, who will miss him.

 

[Serena]

I think he should not feel obligated to go at all. I do agree with the others that have said he might feel better down the years if he did. Or to support the others that are there.

 

[Beth76]

He is not under any obligation to go. I hope no one will make him feel guilty if he does decide not to go.

 

[MrsNick]

Although not obligated to go, I agree that for closure, it might be worth going. And not going may be something OP's cousin will regret in the future.

That aside, if cousin decides not to attend, he should not take out any resentment with the father on other family members. (Bringing it up because I have seen that happen).

 

[mickeyfan2]

No obligation, but it might give your cousin closure if he went.

 

[KarenC]

I think that if he's going to go to the funeral, he'd be better off to try to see his father before he dies. Facing one's own mortality often makes people see things in a different light. Maybe someone could act as a go-between to see if this is the case for your cousin's dad. And if your cousin isn't up to that, I'd say he ought to be able to skip the funeral too.

 

[Sparx]

He has no obligation to go, and no one should try to guilt him for not going. It is his father, and his choice, an no one else's business.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think he should follow his gut. Death brings out some funny emotions. Some self-reflection on his part will give him the answer.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Personal decision, totally. No right answer. The fact he was "abandoned" relieves him of obligation.

 

[2BigKIdz]

I will not attend my father's funeral when he passes (unless there is a drastic change in the status of our relationship before that time). We have never really had a relationship, he left when I was 6 mos. old. He drifted in and out of my life until I was in my teens and then we had a really ugly scene where he threatened my mom and said really nasty things about me (like my mom should have had an abortion like he wanted her to-my parents had been married 6 years before she got pregnant, he just didn't want any more kids as he had 2 sons from his first wife). Since then we don't speak. I feel it would be in poor taste for me to show up at his funeral. But as others have said, it is up to the individual and he shouldn't feel pressured either way, whatever he feels is right for him.

 

[Laurajean1014]

It is no-one's decision except for the children of that individual. There is no right or wrong (ettiquette wise). It is the decision of each child (as is the relationship that child has/had with that individual). One child may go, and another stay home (both are appropriate).

I don't think it can be discussed or assumed by anyone other than the direct individuals.

 

[nativetxn]

There is no obligation for this man to attend his father's funeral.

He is going to feel a great sense of loss when his father dies, though. Attending the funeral might help him come to terms with this. He will mourn the loss of "what could have been" or "what should have been."

I speak from personal experience.