Frustrated, embaressed and mad!

[SaraJayne]

we have been living together for almost a year. We don't see behaviors at our house that mom says she sees. Df has been called by mom on numerous occasions to come over and straghten calm him down. I have gotten on the phone a couple of times too. He has said that maybe if he is bad enough he can go live w dad in in counseling.

he plays w toys here and plays outside and with my 2 kids. At his moms he plays videogames all day.

we don't deny he has behavior issues as he goes to a special school for kids with behavior issues but he hits his mom, something he wouldn't dare do w me or dad, he knows better. Or use bad language, when he does, he is sent to his room for a calm down.

Doesn't he have autism? That isn't something that can be turned on and off.

 

[Anjelica]

I'm not familiar with this type of charity but has she already put what the "need" items are? Do you kwow for a fact the children need the items she put down (i.e. clothes, etc. or is that something you guys already take care of)?

 

[pls5286]

yes, he is autistic, we just don't see the extremes the mom describes. Is it because we have him on a routine, or keep him busy, or learning more of his cues to stop the melt downs, before they start.

We don't baby him. She does. He does almoest everything the other two kids do. In the past year he has began opening van doors, helping with house chores, riding a 4 wheeler w my ds driving, cub scouts, day camps, making sandwiches, vacation bible school, and many other things.

the only thing he doesn't do here yet is start his own shower water for fear of burns.

did all the socializing this summer cause melt downs, yes at times until we learned his cues, but his school has hade the comment on how much better he is doing.

 

[Magic Mom]

we have been living together for almost a year. We don't see behaviors at our house that mom says she sees. Df has been called by mom on numerous occasions to come over and straghten calm him down. I have gotten on the phone a couple of times too. He has said that maybe if he is bad enough he can go live w dad in in counseling.

h

That makes perfect sense. When I act out, Mom calls Dad who comes right over. In a child's mind....perfect. That's not necessarily the Mother's fault. Children are good at manipulating their environment, especially when their life seems out of control.

 

[Magic Mom]

Everybody is talking like this is an either/or situation. Its not a matter of either the father is taking care of his responsiblities OR the mother needs assistance--it can be AND. KWIM?

If he sees his child when allowed, provides what he can, pays his court orderded child support then he is doing what has been asked of him. The only thing any of us were pointing out is that these things can be done and the mother STILL need assistance.

She lied about the father deserting them. Ok, maybe in her skewed way of looking at the situation he did desert them. Maybed whenever the divorce took place she felt he deserted them--we do not know how she feels about it.

The OP says that he takes care of his child and does everything he should. OK, maybe in HER skewed way of looking at the situation he does but really he only does the bare minimum. We have no way of knowing that either.

The fact is the woman probably qualifies for assistance WITHOUT any lies being told. She qualifies for this as well as government assistance. But maybe she thought things needed to be worse than they are for her to get Christmas presents for her son.

Well said!

 

[pls5286]

I'm not familiar with this type of charity but has she already put what the "need" items are? Do you kwow for a fact the children need the items she put down (i.e. clothes, etc. or is that something you guys already take care of)?

we buy all of his clothes, shoes and school supplies.

 

[SaraJayne]

we buy all of his clothes, shoes and school supplies.

I may be way off base here, but it seems to me like you and boyfriend are expecting a pat on the back for things he should be doing anyway (spending holidays with his son, buying school supplies, clothes, etc).

It's called being a dad and supporting his child (emotionally, financially, etc)

 

[pls5286]

I may be way off base here, but it seems to me like you and boyfriend are expecting a pat on the back for things he should be doing anyway (spending holidays with his son, buying school supplies, clothes, etc).

It's called being a dad and supporting his child (emotionally, financially, etc)

I was responding to another person asking if there was a need for clothes or if this was something we provide.

 

[agnes!]

I don't know about anyone else but I am uncomfortable about the level of detail about other people's lives that has been provided by the OP.

I wish Christmas was a happier time for everyone.
agnes!

 

[cm8]

I don't know about anyone else but I am uncomfortable about the level of detail about other people's lives that has been provided by the OP.

I wish Christmas was a happier time for everyone.
agnes!

 

[tlbwriter]

Same thing with child support. I have a friend whose ex was ordered to pay a whopping $45 per week! That was it. So, he too could say "but I pay my child support!"

So if the mom's child support is low, but it's being paid, it's appropriate for her to claim he's not paying it at all?

 

[luvsJack]

So if the mom's child support is low, but it's being paid, it's appropriate for her to claim he's not paying it at all?

We are only hearing one side of the story. Remember there are always three sides--his, hers and the truth.

And as has been said, maybe she felt that she needed to embellish the story to get the help. Doesn't excuse lying but sure would explain it.

 

[tlbwriter]

We are only hearing one side of the story. Remember there are always three sides--his, hers and the truth.

Yes, but I was responding to someone who said that even if he IS paying his child support, it might not be much money. And so my response to that particular line of thinking is that if he's paying his child support, she lied when she said he wasn't, and so the amount of the support is irrelevant.

And as has been said, maybe she felt that she needed to embellish the story to get the help. Doesn't excuse lying but sure would explain it.

Sure, there are lots of potential reasons. Doesn't mean they're good ones.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Yes, but I was responding to someone who said that even if he IS paying his child support, it might not be much money. And so my response to that particular line of thinking is that if he's paying his child support, she lied when she said he wasn't, and so the amount of the support is irrelevant.



Sure, there are lots of potential reasons. Doesn't mean they're good ones.

Facts are few and far between in threads like this. Judging someone's behavior without any real facts is a mistake.

 

[luvsJack]

Yes, but I was responding to someone who said that even if he IS paying his child support, it might not be much money. And so my response to that particular line of thinking is that if he's paying his child support, she lied when she said he wasn't, and so the amount of the support is irrelevant.



Sure, there are lots of potential reasons. Doesn't mean they're good ones.

I was that poster. I don't have a clue what the OP's bf pays in child support nor do I care. We were pointing out that just because he pays his child support does not mean the woman doesn't qualify for or need assistance. Child support is far from the wonderful blessing some people choose to believe that it is.

Nor do I know what was going on in this woman's mind. Maybe she felt she needed to lie to get the help, maybe she feels that he doesn't pay enough and its such a small amount that in her opinion he doesn't really pay anything, maybe she is just trying to "get" the OP. I don't know. But I refuse to paint a single, disabled mom as the villain and the new gf as the hero just based on one side of a story.

We all (well, not here on the Dis but out in the real world) have told small lies, embelllished the truth or whatever when we feel its necessary to accomplish something. Is lying right? No. It doesn't have an excuse, but sometimes it does have a reason. And the reason being good enough is not for us to decide, its for the teller to decide.

 

[smb6]

But I refuse to paint a single, disabled mom as the villain and the new gf as the hero just based on one side of a story.
.

That.

 

[tlbwriter]

I was that poster. I don't have a clue what the OP's bf pays in child support nor do I care. We were pointing out that just because he pays his child support does not mean the woman doesn't qualify for or need assistance. Child support is far from the wonderful blessing some people choose to believe that it is.

I'm not going to argue against that. I'm simply saying that IF he does pay his child support, no matter how low it is, she was lying when she said he didn't pay. I do understand that she may still qualify for assistance. But that doesn't make it right, IMHO, for her to lie in order to get *more* assistance.

 

[Magic Mom]

I
Nor do I know what was going on in this woman's mind. Maybe she felt she needed to lie to get the help, maybe she feels that he doesn't pay enough and its such a small amount that in her opinion he doesn't really pay anything, maybe she is just trying to "get" the OP. I don't know. But I refuse to paint a single, disabled mom as the villain and the new gf as the hero just based on one side of a story.

I agree. Clearly the woman qualifies. If the OP is as well known in her community as she says, then the 3 or 4 people that read the application will know the real truth. I can see how it would be momentarily upseting, but as a community leader, she has to let things like that roll off her back.

It's not the OP's business if the Mom applies for Christmas assistance. Even if her and her boyfriend plan on taking presents to Mom's house, maybe the Mom wanted to provide presents as well.

 

[pls5286]

just to update, we will not ever know the final word of whether the status is approved or not, but we were called this morning by the sheriff with a direct question of does DF pay his child support and can he prove it.

Our thought process now is maybe she is trying to get df in some kind of trouble. When he and I got together there were problems and we had to get law enforcement involved and things settled down and everyone came together for the sake of the child.

The sheriff knew we have his son a good bit as this is a small community and I have known him for over 15 years and see him out and about.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

just to update, we will not ever know the final word of whether the status is approved or not, but we were called this morning by the sheriff with a direct question of does DF pay his child support and can he prove it.

Our thought process now is maybe she is trying to get df in some kind of trouble. When he and I got together there were problems and we had to get law enforcement involved and things settled down and everyone came together for the sake of the child.

The sheriff knew we have his son a good bit as this is a small community and I have known him for over 15 years and see him out and about.

It is also possible that the mention of this on an application that is reviewed by the sheriff forces said sheriff to look into it further. Sounds like the sheriff takes his/her job seriously. That is a good thing.