You know, for every "Rain Man" that a Dustin Hoffman makes, there's always an "Ishtar".
For every "Saving Private Ryan" that Tom Hanks makes. there's always a "Joe Versus the Volcano."
Well, I need to post something so I did what I threatened to do last week.
THis was my Ishtar, I went back and found it and boy is it stupid.
It happened like this, the report, "Honey I Shrunk the Checkbook" was ending and I needed something to write about, kinda like tonight.
That's when Marita, aka BackstageGal threw down the gauntlet, told me to write about a trip to the grocery store.
As usual, I ignored her as long as I could,
but then one day I had to deal with some unexpected early manhattans.
And I picked up the glove she slapped me in the face with and sat down and wrote.
This is not pretty. Even now, I knew if I re-read it I would spend either the rest of the night editting it, or just scrap it so I"m going to post it with just a hazy memory of anything I had written.
If you read this to your kids it will be a great example of the evils of alcohol, so maybe some good can come ot this.
Ok, warts and all, this is from June of '08.
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Ok, here we go.
You know that saying that people use usually after they have done something stupid; "It seemed like a good idea at the time?"
Well, that's what happened with tonight's intended chapter, until I actually started writing some notes down on paper. Then it just seemed really stupid, and I realize no matter what, it is going to look like something a fourth grader would write.
Yes, I thought the same thing you are now thinking, "Hey, the whole trip report looks like a fourth grader did it", so what the heck, I'm going to write this nonsense anyway.
It happened like this:
A critic once wrote about Stephen King when he was at the top of his game, "He could publish his grocery list, and people would buy it." And that gave me the idea, which I then forgot about. Until I did the DIStionary list, and one of the lexicons popped it back into my feeble brain.
So, believe it or not, we are about to take a trip to the grocery store, only we are going to do it in style!
Disney Style!
Warning, the following chapter is not for the squeemish, it is advisable that it is read on an empty stomach.
Background: There is a new store in my area, called Woodman's, and it is basically just a grocery store. However, huge doesn't describe it. Parts of it are in West Dundee, Carpentersville and Huntley, and I swear you could put a Home Depot and a Menards in there with room to spare.
I our house, I usually do the shopping, no, I have no idea what I am doing, I just know how to compare and buy cheap, so I have gotten to know this behemoth and the layout somewhat, so c'mon with, I'll let you push the cart.
That saturday, I woke up around five, went downstairs so I wouldn't wake Diane and turned on the Woody channel, to get my self in the mood. (uh oh)
The store will be referred to as Woody, ok?
Soon, Stacy came on, and went through her list on the top 8 sales at Woodyworld. Yes, she can get just as annoying here as she does at the resorts. An hour later and I was packed up and ready, with the promise of new adventures just waiting for me.
Sure enough, my heart soars when I get closer, and see all the purple signs.
After parking in the TTC, I decided to take the monorail over, I figured if I didn't let anyone kiss me, I'd be ok riding it. (hey, I get enough diseases)
I couldn't believe how crowded it was already, after rechecking the schedule, I'm at a loss, it's not an Early Entry day. I always go in the side entrance by the liquour store, heh, but after sliding an old receipt in the card reader, nothing happened. As I was trying the fingers on my other hand in the fingerprint reader, I saw the sign.
These doors don't open until 8 am, so now I have to walk all the way around to the front of the building. If I had known this in the first place, I would have gotten off at the next stop.
There is a sign on the front door that says, "watch repair next to service desk." It has been there a while now, and I still don't understand it, cuz everytime I go to check it out, I've never seen anything going on, much less worth standing around to watch.
Inside, I picked up a park map and daily schedule, to see what aisles might be closed that day, then I headed over to stroller rental to get my cart.
Picked a blue one, like I always do. Makes it easier to find when you come back from the deli section since most people choose the red ones.
As I was near the front just waiting for rope drop, I went over some of the list Diane had written. "Fallefels, zebra domes, figaro fries, dole whips and tonga toast were some of the items." At 8 o'clock, the group I was with was walked over to "Best Rack", the dollar aisle but I didn't see anything I liked.
At this store, you want to have your list in order, but Smidgy had jotted stuff down as she thought of them, and I never put it right. I can tell there is going to be a lot of backtracking today, not sure if my foot is up to it.
Luckily, I am prepared!
Nearbye was my favorite display, so I grabbed a six pack, put it in the cart and in the same motion, was able to rip a bottle out of it, very discreetly. After drinking a bunch of it to make room, I ducked behind the big Sunny D display, and out of my pocket came the airplane bottle of vodka. I went right in.
You know why I did this don't you? Course you do.
To wash down the vikes!
Now, I am ready for anything, bring it on.
A cast member was walking past, and I thought I could save time by asking her where I might find zebra domes. That's when I found out she must have been Hong Kong Woodyworld exchange student cuz I couldn't understand her.
Go ahead, try to descibe a zebra dome when there's a language barrier. I don't even know what SOUND a zebra makes, kinda like being at Festival of the Lion King and you have to do the giraffe. But she was real nice, I followed her all the way to the bakery section where she showed me where they were. Then she hopped on a Mears to get to where she was.
Near the bakery section, they had a bunch of "reduced" and "marked down" carts, filled with random items. After I made sure no one was looking, I quickly grabbed 2 rolls of tp, a couple of Woody shampoos, and 2 towels.
Smidgy would have been proud.
As I stealthily walked away, I thought I was busted when a cast member came right up to me. Turns out it was Dream Team member bestowing upon me a coupon for 'Buy one, get one free boneless, skinless chicken breast at Flights of Wonder."
Now I'm in commando mode.
I saw on the list Diane had written down "snacks", so I ran over and got a fastpass for S'morin'.
(yes, I know it hurts, but it's going to get worse before it get's better)
Down the same aisle is something else on the list, peanut butter, so I checked out the line for PETER PAN"S BLIGHT.
One thing about Woodman's though, they utilize creative advertising here. If you remember, Peter Pan was pulled from the shelves nationwide due to some kind of poisoning, either salmonella or E-coli.
But now it's back. The sign above it says, "No deaths in 4 months!"
They did a similar thing in produce also. Above the tomatoes the sign says, "Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?"
Passing the cereal now, grabbed a Frosted Flakes box, just as the vodka and vikes were starting to kick in. I held the box up high and started yelling, "My tiger, I got my tiger!"
Glancing at the list again, it was time to head over to housewares for a mop. Luckily, Moppetvision was just starting, so I grabbed one.
The problem with mops are that they are just too big for the cart, and now I look like Sir Lancelot, ready to joust!
Here's where I now screwed up.
The pet food aisle is right around the corner, next one, and I need cat food.
But as I was turning the corner, a woman in a halter top walked by, and I thought she said something to me, so of course I had to look at her.
Yep, you got it!
I was really booking at the time, and the next thing I know was that my cart came to a complete stop, all on it's own!
The end of the mop just speared this poor Japanese guy as I was on my way to ride Hartz Mountain.
Pinned him right up against the Friskies display, but I think he had NINE LIVES, cuz he wasn't hurt too badly when the whole KIT AND KABOODLE came down on him. Yes, I did tell him..............
........... (crap).......
IAMSorry.
Once again, I see on my list that I forgot something 12 aisles back, so I just left the cart with the Japanese guy hanging off the end of my mop and ran back to the soup aisle.
On the end cap, they had a huge rotating display so I grabbed a couple of cans from the Carousel of Progresso, and ran back to my cart.
Before I got on the ferry to go the the frozen food section known as Blizzard Quiche, it was time for a potty break, and I followed the signs to Winnie the Pooh. Then you take the main path all the way down to the ferry, which even has speed bumps to slow everyone down.
It was going over one of the speed bumps that I lost the Japanese guy, and justice was almost served to me, when I was almost run over by an old lady in an
ECV, doing wheelies over the speed bumps.
I smiled at Granny, and she winked back, she still remembered me after almost two years.
Before you go into the frozens, the deli was first and it wasn't crowded. I looked at the number on the wall, 33, and pulled out my number, 35. Great, only one person ahead of me.
I just can't see who it is.
"Number 34, 34, who's next?"
Nobody said anything, mainly cuz there was nobody there.
"I'm next I guess" I said.
"Are you 34?"
"No, I'm 35".
"Well, I'm sorry, you can't go out of turn, 34, "Card 34 where are you?"
Since 34 wasn't answering, they went on break.
Geesh! So I went into Blizzard Quiche.
I needed frozen pizza, and did you know there is no "Chuck E Cheese" frozen pizza? Who knew? So I got Cap'n Jacks instead.
My favorite part here is the frozen dinner or entree section, I spend a lot of time in Haunted Luncheon reading all of the Tombstones pizza on the way in.
With my Sunny D empty, it was time to go. After finding Magical Express Lane, I was back at the TTC in no time.
It still feels odd to take these trips by myself, without Diane, but I know it's cheaper this way. I just can't wait to get home and get the film developed.
Oh yeah, I could have done that there too!
I'm done. Sorry. I just figured the report is just about over anyway, so if nobody ever reads or posts again.........goodnight everybody.
happy for you guys. you must let us know how the screening process is. btw what is the rule for lighters these days? wishing you had a lap top so you could update your reports sooner they are sooooo funny. so let us know if you get violated er uh patted down or body scanned. 
these security checks are gonna be interesting. on the news last night they said they would not pat down anyone under 12. i don't know about the other moms here but i wouldn't want anyone feeling around my teenager either so this is just plain weird all the way around
I am sure there are some good ones there but they have to be predicting the weather for another planet!
somehow thinking my Doc wouldn't go for that 
)
Now if I can only remember where I left off. 
Is that what early Manhattans does 
