"Friends" who don't reciprocate?

[Wishing on a star]

Thanks again! Once again, I can agree with what everyone has said.

I know she has been crazy busy. I get that...really. but truly, just send a quick two line text or something. I know our life is crazy busy too and we can't get together every weekend either.

I also truly try not to take it personal. I really don't think she means anything by it. Like I said, she is a great person. I do think she does have some....not really issues, but for lack of a better word that probably is what it is in maintaining a friendship.

Just feeling hurt I guess because we WERE VERY close and it would be nice to have someone just call or text to see how YOU'RE doing once in a while, or to be the one getting invited instead of ALWAYS doing the inviting.

But...life is too short to hold it against her. Just feeling a bit down about it.

 

[Bluestars]

After all of this time, I don't see her changing her behavior. She is the type of friend to you who lets you initiate things. Maybe she has a busy life and keeping in touch isn't at the top of her list. It doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy being with you, because it sounds like she does. But she seems to have other things that are a priority to her.

I would either accept that this is the way the friendship will always be or just let it go and move on. It sounds like you are looking for something more and she's not going to be able to live up to your expectations. I don't think there's anything wrong with your expectations, but it's probably not going to happen with this particular friend.

 

[momof1princess]

DH and I have longtime friends who are like this. We don't hear from them unless we contact them, or they need something from us (such as the THREE times we helped them move, or the time they wanted to borrow my new dslr camera). I have resigned myself to the fact that it is what it is, and I don't contact them anymore. My life is much less stressful.

 

[Imzadi]

Well last week DH runs into her in CVs and she apologizes to him and says she feels terrible she hasn't kept in touch, etc.. He said she was very embarrassed. Even though I am hurt, Dh tells me to just drop her a message. So I do...saying hope you are great, etc..

This is the part I don't get above. And I think it's very telling. Your friend doesn't talk or communicate with you for ages. Your DH runs into her. She says says she feels terrible she hasn't kept in touch, is embarrassed, etc.. But both you and your DH feel that YOU needed to be the drop her a message. WTH???

If SHE was so embarrassed and felt so terrible, SHE should have been the one who pulled out her phone immediately and texted you. Not the other way around. Talk is cheap. Actions are very telling.

Sounds like both you & DH have been enabling her to be on the receiving end of all your initiations.

You now want a more reciprocal relationship, and she's never needed to initiate and is not willing now to put in as much into a friendship as you want.

After all of this time, I don't see her changing her behavior. She is the type of friend to you who lets you initiate things.

Yes, see my post above. If you want a more even friendship you need to move on. You already left the ball in her court. It is up to HER to call or text you as to when/IF she wants to get together.

Sorry, but it seems she's not willing to put in the EFFORT to KEEP your friendship.

 

[Sugardimples]

I wouldn't contact her again. Leave it as it is. If she contacts you, you can decide if you want to engage with her or not. But be prepared to not hear from her. It sounds like her life has gone off in a direction that does not include you.

And that isn't necessarily a bad thing - its just life. Sometimes we just have to move on.

 

[HeatherC]

IMZADI...that was my initial reaction too. : Then when I calmed down from venting to DH I decided that she is a sweet person and does get embarrased easily. So I figured...just take the high road and drop her a quick note leaving the door open.

Bluestars....I don't think I am really looking for a lot more. Just a response would be nice. I don't know...I just feel like it is common courtesy to at least send a quick reply...especially if she really was embarrased and I "let her off the hook" so to speak.

I think I will just follow her lead and see if she initiates anything. Unfortunately, I kinda think she has moved from a really close friend to the really nice acquaintance category of friendship. But thats life, right? and...it still really hurts if I am being honest.


I appreciate all your responses!

 

[Imzadi]

IMZADI...that was my initial reaction too. : Then when I calmed down from venting to DH I decided that she is a sweet person and does get embarrased easily. So I figured...just take the high road and drop her a quick note leaving the door open.

Bluestars....I don't think I am really looking for a lot more. Just a response would be nice. I don't know...I just feel like it is common courtesy to at least send a quick reply...especially if she really was embarrased and I "let her off the hook" so to speak.

I think I will just follow her lead and see if she initiates anything. Unfortunately, I kinda think she has moved from a really close friend to the really nice acquaintance category of friendship. But thats life, right? and...it still really hurts if I am being honest.


I appreciate all your responses!

Sounds like you've been compensating for her for a long time now.

I wouldn't put her in the acquaintanceship category. You were close friends at one time. She's a "former friend" now. Or a "former BFF."

There is a great poem about how people come and go from our lives for different reasons. It doesn't make the friendships less special. But, being able to put them in their proper places in time and their proper categories helps.

A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realise is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

~ Author Unknown​

 

[NewRVLady]

It sounds as if she has moved on,,sorry

We had opposite problem with good friends. They only wanted to hang out at their 2nd home, only 30 minute drive to the lake. So all our social life with them was at their place, never ours.
We would bring food, bar b q -take the kids out on their boat etc
I think they came to our house once in 20 years

 

[Disfan1]

I used to have a friend like this. I would initiate ALL the contact - planning days for us to shop together, meet for coffee, go out to lunch, etc. I decided to wait for her to call me first just to see what would happen. About three weeks went by and then I received an angry phone call from her complaining that I hadn't called her in FOREVER and blah blah blah. I pointed out (nicely) that the phone line works both ways and if she wanted to go out and do anything, why didn't she call? Apparently that wasn't good enough - I decided to wait to let her set our next "date" up. That was over five years ago. I guess it was too much bother for her to pick up the phone to plan something fun.

 

[ReneeA]

I am a terrible friend. I know it, and freely admit it. I work full time, 3 12 hour night shifts a week. I have 2 kids, both in lots of extracurricular activities, a school district that dropped bussing (so I cut sleep short to go get them from school), and a husband that thinks ALL housekeeping is my responsibility since I "only work 3 days a week". My poor friends! I love them...there are only 2 left plus my sister who I keep in contact anymore. They do most of the heavy lifting of the friendship, and I try to make it up to them when I can. Honestly, I'm exhausted & barely have enough time to make a quick meal most days. I really feel for you, but I'm also sad for your friend because I so understand being utterly exhausted & overwhelmed.

 

[Hannathy]

I'm wondering how old you and your friend are? I know when I was younger I would have been a lot more bothered. Now that I"m older I have plenty of friends that we go months without seeing each other. My best friend and I will talk everyday and then go a month without talking. It took us a year to actually go out for coffee in person! between work, kids, spouses, elderly parents, it all adds up. Still love her as a sister.

As you get older friendships change, I don't get why you have to make a decision? why do have to declare it over or on? just go with it. If you feel like talking to her text her, if you don't don't. Why do you have to permanently close the door?

I have learned, be very careful before you burn your bridges, especially when there is no real reason to. just let it float out there in limbo.

 

[Waiting2goback]

This is a tough one because good friends are hard to come by. So, the question is, how do you know if someone is a good friend?

I have these 2 friends. We are all 3 friends. We have been for 20+ years. One of them I met in high school. We were attached at the hip until he went off to the air force when we were 18. But, we still kept in touch, he was my best man in my wedding, the god father to 2 of my kids. I hardly ever see him anymore though. He lives 45 minutes away, has a job, 2 kids, is in the Air Force reserves which takes one of his weekends each month, his mother died last year of cancer after a 2 year fight. So, I know he has a lot going on. Now that she has passed he is trying to spend more time with his dad who hasn't gotten over losing his best friend.

The 2nd one, I met through the first one. Now I am better friends with him than the first one. We just have more in common. But, I even don't see him all the much. He works ALOT. We both have 4 kids (ages 2-10). They are all either in school and activities or very close to it.

Here's the thing though. Will that friend be there when you need them? In am going to be getting divorced (long story). Friend #2 is the only one who knows. He now makes it a point to check in on me frequently. When I have had my bad days, I call him and he drops what he's doing to listen to me and help me. I also know when I do finally tell friend #1 he will be there in his own way too. (His wife is a HUGE gossip, that's the reason he doesn't know. Because once SHE finds out, the whole world will know)

If you ask yourself the question, "Can I count on him/her in an emergency?" and the answer is NO, then you know its not real friendship. If the answer is YES, then you have to not take things so personally and accept him/her for who they are.

 

[JanaDee]

I used to have a friend like this. I would initiate ALL the contact - planning days for us to shop together, meet for coffee, go out to lunch, etc. I decided to wait for her to call me first just to see what would happen. About three weeks went by and then I received an angry phone call from her complaining that I hadn't called her in FOREVER and blah blah blah. I pointed out (nicely) that the phone line works both ways and if she wanted to go out and do anything, why didn't she call? Apparently that wasn't good enough - I decided to wait to let her set our next "date" up. That was over five years ago. I guess it was too much bother for her to pick up the phone to plan something fun.

I was in a similar situation with a friend, where I was always the initiator for contact for a few years. I last contacted her around Thanksgiving, just a "hey, how are you doing, I'd like to get together before Christmas, let me know what works". I still haven't heard from her and I know she read the message (imessage on iphone).

Life is too short to chase people. Let the friendship go and move on.

 

[quandrea]

This is a tough one because good friends are hard to come by. So, the question is, how do you know if someone is a good friend?

I have these 2 friends. We are all 3 friends. We have been for 20+ years. One of them I met in high school. We were attached at the hip until he went off to the air force when we were 18. But, we still kept in touch, he was my best man in my wedding, the god father to 2 of my kids. I hardly ever see him anymore though. He lives 45 minutes away, has a job, 2 kids, is in the Air Force reserves which takes one of his weekends each month, his mother died last year of cancer after a 2 year fight. So, I know he has a lot going on. Now that she has passed he is trying to spend more time with his dad who hasn't gotten over losing his best friend.

The 2nd one, I met through the first one. Now I am better friends with him than the first one. We just have more in common. But, I even don't see him all the much. He works ALOT. We both have 4 kids (ages 2-10). They are all either in school and activities or very close to it.

Here's the thing though. Will that friend be there when you need them? In am going to be getting divorced (long story). Friend #2 is the only one who knows. He now makes it a point to check in on me frequently. When I have had my bad days, I call him and he drops what he's doing to listen to me and help me. I also know when I do finally tell friend #1 he will be there in his own way too. (His wife is a HUGE gossip, that's the reason he doesn't know. Because once SHE finds out, the whole world will know)

If you ask yourself the question, "Can I count on him/her in an emergency?" and the answer is NO, then you know its not real friendship. If the answer is YES, then you have to not take things so personally and accept him/her for who they are.

Such a great post. Op I am going through the exact thing. I know this friend would be there if I needed her. This last post helped me see that I will keep my friendship going.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd let it go at this point.
You have made yet one more contact with her, telling her you'd love to get together and whatever.

The ball is in her court. If she has "something" going on in her life that is making her so busy she can't be in touch, then you continuing to contact her is only going to stress her out.'

So, leave it alone. She has all your contact info, she knows how and where to find you.

 

[UrsulaGirl]

This is a tough one because good friends are hard to come by. So, the question is, how do you know if someone is a good friend?

I have these 2 friends. We are all 3 friends. We have been for 20+ years. One of them I met in high school. We were attached at the hip until he went off to the air force when we were 18. But, we still kept in touch, he was my best man in my wedding, the god father to 2 of my kids. I hardly ever see him anymore though. He lives 45 minutes away, has a job, 2 kids, is in the Air Force reserves which takes one of his weekends each month, his mother died last year of cancer after a 2 year fight. So, I know he has a lot going on. Now that she has passed he is trying to spend more time with his dad who hasn't gotten over losing his best friend.

The 2nd one, I met through the first one. Now I am better friends with him than the first one. We just have more in common. But, I even don't see him all the much. He works ALOT. We both have 4 kids (ages 2-10). They are all either in school and activities or very close to it.

Here's the thing though. Will that friend be there when you need them? In am going to be getting divorced (long story). Friend #2 is the only one who knows. He now makes it a point to check in on me frequently. When I have had my bad days, I call him and he drops what he's doing to listen to me and help me. I also know when I do finally tell friend #1 he will be there in his own way too. (His wife is a HUGE gossip, that's the reason he doesn't know. Because once SHE finds out, the whole world will know)

If you ask yourself the question, "Can I count on him/her in an emergency?" and the answer is NO, then you know its not real friendship. If the answer is YES, then you have to not take things so personally and accept him/her for who they are.

Fantastic advice! It's a great way to evaluate my friendships. I feel like I'm going through something similar and this gives me new perspective.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I wouldn't contact her again. Leave it as it is. If she contacts you, you can decide if you want to engage with her or not. But be prepared to not hear from her. It sounds like her life has gone off in a direction that does not include you.

And that isn't necessarily a bad thing - its just life. Sometimes we just have to move on.

I agree with this. I wouldnt contact her again, see how long time passes before she makes an effort. If you two drift apart, just let it be. I had to do that with a friend. I stopped contacting her/making an effort, so we just lost touch because of it. She is busy with her own life, and thats fine. We have our own lives and are happy, we just dont hang out anymore. Thats life. I realised that If i cant call a friend when im in trouble or just down, if that friend doesnt have time for me, then thats not the kind of friend I want in my life.

 

[HeatherC]

I agree Goofy. The so called ball is in her court now. Won't be contacting her again....not out of spite, but if she felt I was in the least bit important to her she could at least give me the courtesy of a quick reply.

Que sera sera! Ob La Di! Ob La Da! Life goes on....

 

[Disfan1]

Good for you, OP! I left the ball in my friend's court over five years ago & since she has not called me to get together, I know how much our friendship meant to her, I guess. It just frees up more time to get together with other friends who DO appreciate me!

 

[Kellydelly]

This woman is not your friend , and if you consider her your "closest" friend then you are in a pickle. Walk away, keep some dignity and find someone else who really cares and wants to be a part of your life. I wouldn't contact her again, she is sending you a message loud and clear "I don't want to spend time with you, on the phone, through a text, or in person!" Leave it alone and move on with your life.