Totally not mine - got this as an email yesterday - guess it fits in nicely here...
********************
Thank God for church volunteers with typewriters. These sentences
> > actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church
> > services:
> >
> > * * * * * *
> >
> > Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
> > Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
> >
> >
> > Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING
> > Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference
> > includes meals."
> >
> >
> > The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
> > tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
> >
> >
> > Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
> > those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
> > husbands.
> >
> >
> > The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to
> > a conflict.
> >
> >
> > Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
> > someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who
> > doesn't care much about you.
> >
> >
> > Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
> >
> >
> > Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
> > giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
> >
> >
> > For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
> > nursery downstairs.
> >
> >
> > Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
> > the help they can get.
> >
> >
> > Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
> > transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes
of
> > Pastor Jack's sermons.
> >
> >
> > The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
> > will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
> >
> >
> > Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in
> > the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
> >
> >
> > A BEAN supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
> > hall. Music will follow.
> >
> >
> > At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
> > Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
> >
> > Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
> > several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
> >
> >
> > Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
> > recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
> >
> >
> > Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
> > deceased person you want remembered.
> >
> >
> > Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a
> > healthy lunch.
> >
> >
> > The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
> > entertainment and gracious hostility.
> >
> >
> > Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
> > follow.
> >
> >
> > The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
> > They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
> >
> >
> > This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park
> > across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to
> > sin.
> >
> >
> > Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
> > ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.
is
> > done.
> >
> >
> > The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
> > would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
> > next Sunday.
> >
> >
> > Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
> > Please use the back door.
> >
> >
> > The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
> > Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
> > attend this tragedy.
> >
> >
> > Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
> > Please use large double door at the side entrance.
> >
> >
> > The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge -- Up Yours.
(several respones came to mind here) "no thanks"
