Free range parenting vs. helicopter parenting...

[shirleyb]

I think you have to treat your kids age appropriately, and also consider the kid. I have an 18 yo that is very scatterbrained. (But hopefully the Navy is fixing that!) I've always trusted his 16 yo brother to be more responsible than the older one.

This past summer, the 16 yo was in NM with his scout troop, and since he didn't make weight for Philmont, he was sent home. I would have totally trusted him to take the Amtrak by himself and make it back to PA safely. (Of course it helps that he's 6'5 and 290 lbs) When my 18 yo was that age, I would have worried that he'd have gotten lost at the train station in Chicago. Is that my fault because somewhere along the way I didn't teach him correctly? Possibly. Or is it just that he's different? Possibly. Or it's also possible that he would have been perfectly fine and I just didn't have faith in his abilities.

 

[I_Know_You2!]

I just saw the Dr. Phil this a.m.

I am amazed at how people are focussed on the negative, without realizing the positive. Most people are good. Most people are watching out for one another, etc.

My kids fly literally and figuratively. I even let them use public toilets alone. I am so grateful I was allowed to grow up and learn the skills I needed to live a productive life.

I absolutely agree with your response.

 

[mom2rb]

Many of us grew up in a different world. Those of us who were growing up in the 70's were living in a time when kids just grew up faster. We were the latch-key kids. I remember walking home from school at 7 with my 4 year old step brother across Wisconsin Avenue in Washington DC to an empty house where we waited for my dad to get home...would I do that today with my kids? No way on God's green earth. By 12 I was babysitting other kids. I'd never leave my kids with a 12 year old today.

I don't think I Hellicopter, I think I recognize that part of the reason I had so much "freedom" was because my parents were divorced and working and there weren't any other alternatives back then.

I could have written this, just change the city. I remember being very lonely. I didn't like being home by myself. Plus the things my brother and I did, I can't believe we didn't burn the house down or kill each other.

 

[dislal]

I like the saying "we are not raising children, but adults"

 

[TomLovesBecky]

Oh, the drama of Dr. Phil! What about most of us mothers who are somewhere in between? I believe in reasonable freedoms for my children. Subway at 9 with no cell phone is not reasonable, in my opinion. Not knowing where my children are at any given time, not reasonable. I don't hover but I do keep tabs. My children are also in a billion sports and other activities, BECAUSE THEY WANT TO BE. Haven't figured out yet how it makes me a helicopter mom because my kids are involved in stuff. I agree about the stranger danger thing, I just posted on another thread somewhere on the DIS boards about that very issue. I don't believe in teaching my kids to fear everyone. That doesn't mean I don't use my brain to figure out that sending a 9 year old out alone with no means to call for help is neglectful and I think that woman is a little sick in the head to gloat about having done it, as if she is so superior to the rest of us. I agree that it's my job to teach my kids to be independent but I draw the line at pushing them to make adult decisions about their safety before they are ready. If that makes me overprotective then oh well. I'm not here to please other people with my parenting.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Like a PP said, I believe in common sense parenting. It is our responsibility to raise independent children, but at the same time we need to keep them safe from harm. I would never allow a 9 year old to ride the subway in New York alone, yet in our small community kindergartners are often riding public transportation to school alone. But it is not NYC. I also let my children play outside when we lived in town by themselves (we're on a farm now, so my 6 year old is outside nearly all day playing with the kittens). But, there were still rules: no crossing the street, no talking to strangers (which are very rare in our town, anyway!). We had a swingset in front of our house where her friends could come over. There were no parents outside contstantly watching them. We'd check on them occassionally, but the rules were always well followed. On the other hand, one of her little friends was a definite free range child. I never saw her parents. Her sister would sometimes come over for her, but most of the time I was the one having to tell her to go home because it was too late. Sometimes, I believe "free range" is just another term for neglect.

 

[castleview]

I was one who came home to an empty house, watched my sister, etc. Sure it was great that I could go to a friend's house without telling my mom and she never freaked out if she couldn't find me. But that was a different time.

Back then, we knew all our neighbors. Any adult could parent me if your my mom and dad weren't around. So we did feel much safer, in general.

I assure my kid's physical safety - so call me a helicopter parent for that. But I let her figure things out on her own unless unacceptable behavior (i.e. bullying) is involved.

 

[SRICE100]

Due to my parent's divorce, I started staying home alone with my brother when he was 5 and I was 7. We really were on our own, because my Mom didn't have any choice before and after school and lots of weekends.

She was pretty disengaged in general because she was just trying to surive- and my wealthy father was off with his new wife and couldn't be bothered.

With my won kids, I am very involved and try to make up for things I didn't get as a child in terms of structure and stability. But at the same time, try to teach them to be independant- as I certainly am.

I like to think I am a happy medium. But likely I lean more to the helicopter side than I like to think.

 

[castleview]

With my won kids, I am very involved and try to make up for things I didn't get as a child in terms of structure and stability. But at the same time, try to teach them to be independant- as I certainly am.

I like to think I am a happy medium. But likely I lean more to the helicopter side than I like to think.

A lot of my parenting involved stuff I wish my divorced parents did too. Not coming home to an empty house, going out as a family, etc. I never really thought about it until I read your post.

 

[mjkacmom]

I was one who came home to an empty house, watched my sister, etc. Sure it was great that I could go to a friend's house without telling my mom and she never freaked out if she couldn't find me. But that was a different time.

Back then, we knew all our neighbors. Any adult could parent me if your my mom and dad weren't around. So we did feel much safer, in general.

I assure my kid's physical safety - so call me a helicopter parent for that. But I let her figure things out on her own unless unacceptable behavior (i.e. bullying) is involved.

I guess we're lucky - we know all of our neighbors, and in this town of 27,000, it's rare not to be waving to other vans/SUV's as you drive around town. We are a village - everyone seems to know everyone, and I'm confident that my kids could find adults they know if we're not around.

 

[skater]

Sometimes its hard to "win" as a parent. I remember reading several articles about parents being overprotective. This was right around the time that an 11 year old girl (several years back) was abducted walking from a friend's house back to her home. And you guessed it, the media was asking why would her mother allow her to walk home alone. Its really hard to know what to do. For us, we try a balanced approach and I'm sure we make tons of mistakes. We just try to be "good enough" and don't listen to all the advice and judgments people make.

 

[daisax]

Haven't figured out yet how it makes me a helicopter mom because my kids are involved in stuff.

It's more that it's part of a greater syndrome... micromanaging every moment of a child's life in a way that many of us were not raised (not that YOU necessarily do, but many do) We had time to be bored, and to fall back on our imagination and creativity to overcome that boredom.

Kids who don't have time in childhood to figure out on their own how not to be bored end up as adults who are bored very, very easily.

 

[TomLovesBecky]

It's more that it's part of a greater syndrome... micromanaging every moment of a child's life in a way that many of us were not raised (not that YOU necessarily do, but many do) We had time to be bored, and to fall back on our imagination and creativity to overcome that boredom.

Kids who don't have time in childhood to figure out on their own how not to be bored end up as adults who are bored very, very easily.

Not a problem in my house. I think more people should spend time raising their own kids and not worrying about what everyone else is doing. In my experience, the ones who are pointing fingers usually have the worst-behaved little "angels" out there.

 

[bellebud]

part of this has been bugging me...

in every generation, there are all types of parents.

my mom, born in 1942, wasn't allowed to do much. her mom and especially dad were very, very overprotective (that was the term then), and they certainly weren't the only ones in her neighborhood. Then there were the kids who could roam all day and night. Then there were the kids somewhere in the middle, which was probably the majority.

I was born in 1968, and I had was raised somewhere in the middle, leaning towards having a bit more freedom than my peers. My next door neighbor had an "overprotective" mother, as did a few of my friends. Then there were the kids who had hardly any adult supervision, and it showed (and not in a good way). And again, most kids were somewhere in the middle., like they were in my mom's generation and like they are today.

Why do we like to judge each other's parenting? I almost feel like so many of us didn't get enough attention as kids, and now as parents it's like we're yelling to everyone "look at me! this is how I parent! Isn't it great???"

Maybe it has a lot to do with the media... we're now bombarded with how this one and that one parents... *you're* a helicopter parent... now we'll start hearing "I'm a free-range parent" (I will crack up the first time I hear that irl. All i think is "you've got no hormones or antibiotics???).

Not meaning to offend anyone with this post, but there's always been parents of all types, always will be, because we're human. But now we get to watch Dr. Phil and see the hand selected few moms, who are the extremes of course and have been there every generation, but now they're grouped together on a tv show and it's a 'problem' in society. I don't know any true *helicopter* parent irl. I see the same types of parenting, in the same percentages, as when I was growing up. Overprotective, laid back or not there, and in the middle.

Times change - growing up there were always kids playing outside after school. But, we didn't have nearly the homework kids have today, and we definitely didn't have it in pre-K (there wasn't even pre-k), or K or 1st and probably not 2nd. We had homework when we could truly do it on our own, so unlike today, and we could usually get in done on the bus ride home. So in my neighborhood, there are no kids playing outside after school, because they're all inside doing their 1/2 hour to hours worth of homework, even the little kids. Then it's early dinner some days because there's an activity this evening for someone. So it looks different from that too.

again, not wanting to insult anyone, but I really think most of us are in the middle, and that lady, if she was bragging about letting a 9 yo ride a NYC subway w/ some spare change for a pay phone call, ought to be smacked into the year 2008 for goodness sakes.

 

[DisneyKT]

I think how anybody brings up their kid is not my business. Unless they're being harmed. I would not let my DD at 9 ride on a subway. But that's me. I also have a convicted sex offender living right down the street from me. I mean they are everywhere. It's gross.


This is one of the reason I always want to know where my kids are and what they are doing.

 

[TomLovesBecky]

part of this has been bugging me...

in every generation, there are all types of parents.

my mom, born in 1942, wasn't allowed to do much. her mom and especially dad were very, very overprotective (that was the term then), and they certainly weren't the only ones in her neighborhood. Then there were the kids who could roam all day and night. Then there were the kids somewhere in the middle, which was probably the majority.

I was born in 1968, and I had was raised somewhere in the middle, leaning towards having a bit more freedom than my peers. My next door neighbor had an "overprotective" mother, as did a few of my friends. Then there were the kids who had hardly any adult supervision, and it showed (and not in a good way). And again, most kids were somewhere in the middle., like they were in my mom's generation and like they are today.

Why do we like to judge each other's parenting? I almost feel like so many of us didn't get enough attention as kids, and now as parents it's like we're yelling to everyone "look at me! this is how I parent! Isn't it great???"

Maybe it has a lot to do with the media... we're now bombarded with how this one and that one parents... *you're* a helicopter parent... now we'll start hearing "I'm a free-range parent" (I will crack up the first time I hear that irl. All i think is "you've got no hormones or antibiotics???).

Not meaning to offend anyone with this post, but there's always been parents of all types, always will be, because we're human. But now we get to watch Dr. Phil and see the hand selected few moms, who are the extremes of course and have been there every generation, but now they're grouped together on a tv show and it's a 'problem' in society. I don't know any true *helicopter* parent irl. I see the same types of parenting, in the same percentages, as when I was growing up. Overprotective, laid back or not there, and in the middle.

Times change - growing up there were always kids playing outside after school. But, we didn't have nearly the homework kids have today, and we definitely didn't have it in pre-K (there wasn't even pre-k), or K or 1st and probably not 2nd. We had homework when we could truly do it on our own, so unlike today, and we could usually get in done on the bus ride home. So in my neighborhood, there are no kids playing outside after school, because they're all inside doing their 1/2 hour to hours worth of homework, even the little kids. Then it's early dinner some days because there's an activity this evening for someone. So it looks different from that too.

again, not wanting to insult anyone, but I really think most of us are in the middle, and that lady, if she was bragging about letting a 9 yo ride a NYC subway w/ some spare change for a pay phone call, ought to be smacked into the year 2008 for goodness sakes.

APPLAUSE!!!!!!

 

[I_Know_You2!]

I think how anybody brings up their kid is not my business. Unless they're being harmed. I would not let my DD at 9 ride on a subway. But that's me. I also have a convicted sex offender living right down the street from me. I mean they are everywhere. It's gross.


This is one of the reason I always want to know where my kids are and what they are doing.

I disagree. Considering that society has to live with the little rebellious dears, or the children who never grow up, it is a societal problem.

 

[Fintastic]

DH is the product of a helicopter parent. After we were married the "real world" was a shock to his system.

I'm not a hoverer, but I try to use common sense. I know where DD is at all times. We're in an apartment now but when we had a house, I would let her go in the backyard by herself, but if she wanted to go out front or ride her bike I would be out there with her. She's a friendly kid and she'd go with anybody who asked, whether she knows them or not. She's only (almost) five, so at this point in her life I need to be protective. If we're at the park I let her run around as much as she wants, but I always know where she is. I don't interfere with her playing with other kids. I just keep my eye on her.