Free range parenting vs. helicopter parenting...

[AmazingGrace]

There was an article in this month's Reader's digest about this mom in NYC who let her nine year old take the subway home alone. The backlash this lady experienced from that was incredible.
She was actually on Dr. Phil on Monday talking about her blog, free range kids She was on with a hovering mom and they were debating their choices.
i think this is interesting because I grew up in suburban new jersey. When I was nine, I was walking to the Path-Mark to buy groceries and taking laundry to the laundry mat on a regular basis. My mom would send me outside and tell me to come back in like three hours to check in. While i was outside, I played with my friends, got dirty, sonetimes got hurt, but survived to tell about it.
I commented on her blog and here's what I had to say.

Hi, I very much believe that the ultimate goal of parenting is to work yourself out of a job. I want my kids to not need me when they’re adults, except for encouragememt, advice or moral support. I think kids need to learn to take care of themselves.

I never taught my kids stranger danger. I teach my kids stranger safety. i think it’s important that my kids learn to trust other adults around them. I’m not always there and they need to know that not everyone is out to get them. I’ve taught my kids that when they need help or get lost that they should ask someone with a child for help( a mom) I’ve also taught my kids to trust their intuition and that it’s okay to err on the side of caution. If something or someone makes them feel uncomfortable, then they need to listen to that voice.

I also believe in natural consequences. If my child asks for a special lunch, I remind the child to take the lunch and the lunch is forgotten, then the child can go through the lunch line. Same with homework. After about second grade, if homework is left at home, it stays at home and the child receives whatever penalty results in that. With my oldest, that happened one time before he became more mindful of where his homework was.

I also don’t have my kids in a bunch of extra curriculars. They come home from school, do their homework, have a snack, then they play with each other, ride bikes, shoot hoops, or whatever. it does my heart good, to see my daughter and her friends playing dolls on our front porch, very much like i did at her age.

It is hard though, having a chronically ill child and knowing where to draw the line. we’ve learned over the past few years with our son to let him take the lead and we don’t treat him like he’s sick. When he’s absent, he makes up the work and he gets disciplined and treated the same as his brother and sister. I love my kids so much it hurts. I feel like freedom and learning to live in the world is one of the best gifts I can give them.

Parents, what are your thoughts on this??

 

[allison443]

I remember when Lenore Skenazy's article originally came out (where she wrote about letting her 9 year old take public transportation). I grew up taking public transportation in NYC, as I constantly remind my kids as I have to chauffeur them around (no public transportation here!)
The part I thought was silly in the article was that she made a big thing about not giving her kid a cell phone to carry with him, but she gave him money for a pay phone. Yeah, good luck finding a working pay phone in the NYC subway these days. She was acknowledging that he might need to call her (because she gave him money) but purposely refused to let him carry a cell phone. Why, because we didn't have them when we were young and we turned out fine? Glad her son was fine and she was able to prove her point and get an article out of it

As for extracurriculars, I am a big fan of unstructured play time, like you mentioned playing dolls, shooting hoops, etc. But eventually the kid might want to play a real game of basketball with two baskets, a court, full-sided teams, refs, etc. so it can be a good thing to join a team or league. Some parents have the attitude that organized activities are evil or something (not saying you, OP!) Why can't there be a happy medium? Not every kid that does organized sports is an overscheduled overachiever with a helicopter parent. Sometimes they are just a kid that likes to play sports!

 

[allison443]

I also believe in natural consequences. If my child asks for a special lunch, I remind the child to take the lunch and the lunch is forgotten, then the child can go through the lunch line. Same with homework. After about second grade, if homework is left at home, it stays at home and the child receives whatever penalty results in that. With my oldest, that happened one time before he became more mindful of where his homework was.

[/COLOR]

Parents, what are your thoughts on this??

Most people I know do things like this. In fact, our school has a policy that kids cannot call home for forgotten items and parents cannot drop off forgotten items at school. As a result the kids usually remember.

 

[EMom]

I don't want to be a helicopter parent, but there's no way I'm sending my child out for 3 hours unsupervised. No way, no how. A young relative of mine was kidnapped during the day, in a crowded public place, calling for help just a few years ago. People seemed to assume she was a child who did not want to leave the fun place and didn't bat an eye when she was carried off. Thank God, she was returned unharmed, but how often does THAT happen? We're lucky her face isn't on a milk carton or her name on a tombstone.

I long for the days when my parents turned us loose for the day and we came home only when we became hungry or thirsty or had to go to the bathroom. Maybe it was safer then or maybe they just got lucky. Owning a fair amount of property and knowing the adjacent landowners probably helped. Maybe it's the lawyer in me and the fact that I'm all too aware of just how many pedophiles are out there (most never even identified, let alone charged) that makes me so wary.

I used to represent children who had been removed from the home due to abuse/neglect and I wound up seeing some incredibly horrible things. I know more than I would like to know and I suppose I'm more cautious than the average mother bear because of that.

Here's one example of what some would call helicoptering, but I saw as typical for someone with my background. Our school hires charter coaches for field trips instead of taking school buses. I didn't want DD riding on them for several reasons. They have nice plush seats, but rarely have seatbelts. If I won't let her in MY car without a seatbelt, why would I trust her life to some yahoo driver that I don't even know when she's not wearing a seatbelt? Also, I knew that those coaches have dismal safety records and their inspections/repair records are often shady, as are their driver's records. No way was I putting my child on one of those coaches.

A few months later...just this year, an Angel Tours coach had a crash with a bunch of Vietmanese Catholic church members and I believe 17 of them DIED. Many more were injured. The tires were retreads, the company was found to have not checked out the driver's drug histories, lacked safety inspections, etc. They have since been shut down by the State of Texas. Guess what coach company our school had used? That's right! Angel Tours. Turns out many of their coaches were accidents waiting to happen. Deadly accidents.

So some would have called me overly cautious, but I say I was just informed and educated about the matter and refused to put my child at risk. Those coaches were death traps and DD wasn't getting on one. BTW, coaches in Texas are not properly supervised IMHO. The lack of inspections, safety checks, background checks on drivers, right to use retread tires, etc. makes all of the charter coaches that schools use risky as far as I'm concerned. But this latest crash may force the state to take a more involved role.

At any rate, each of us makes our decisions based on our life experiences. My experience has shown me how easy it is to kidnap a child so I'm not about to let mine out for 3 hours unsupervised. I'd probably be more relaxed had that not happened in my family. We all do the best we can.

 

[themilesfamily]

OP -- I think what you posted sounds great! A very balanced approach. I like it.

As for the whole subway issue, I believe in supervision and that the responsibility to supervise falls with me as a parent. I would not let a 9-year old take a subway in New York. I helicopter my child enough to ensure that she isn't kidnapped, mugged, attacked, whatever, on my watch. I helicopter her enough to ensure her physical safety, as much as I possibly can. Because young children are so vulnerable, I think there is an added burden on parents to supervise -- while at the same time teaching them skills that they can use as they get older.

I do NOT believe in solving my child's every problem or catering to her every whim. She has free-range to experience problem-solving and cope with the reality that not everything will be done her way or on her timetable. I will never try to fix a grade at school for her -- I will never call her college and demand that she get a new roommate -- etc. Those are things for her to work out. I will offer advice -- I am a mother after all -- but I won't intervene.

Funny story...

My mother was the ultimate interfering helicopter parent from H-E-double hockey sticks. When my brother was in the Army, he had a drill sergeant who (imagine this) was "picking on him." He made the mistake of telling my mother. She CALLED THE ARMY and complained. She actually spoke with one of the commanders of his unit and said, "This is Scott's mother. I am not happy with the way he is being treated." Oh yes, I'm serious -- she did that. I'm sure things got SOOOO much better after that.

 

[Pin Wizard]

I was born and raised in NJ. Things were definitely different back then. We would go outside at 7 a.m. and return at lunch time. Then back out until we were told to be home at a certain time or when it started getting dark. And being in NJ was a lot different from being in NY. Never in my life would I send a 9 year old on a train, etc. alone. Especially in NY! As some people call people that actually try to protect their kids "helicopter parents," I'd have to call that one an "irresponsible parent."

 

[LaraK]

Many of us grew up in a different world. Those of us who were growing up in the 70's were living in a time when kids just grew up faster. We were the latch-key kids. I remember walking home from school at 7 with my 4 year old step brother across Wisconsin Avenue in Washington DC to an empty house where we waited for my dad to get home...would I do that today with my kids? No way on God's green earth. By 12 I was babysitting other kids. I'd never leave my kids with a 12 year old today.

I don't think I Hellicopter, I think I recognize that part of the reason I had so much "freedom" was because my parents were divorced and working and there weren't any other alternatives back then.

 

[just4today]

I would much rather be accused of hovering than neglect. There is no way in heck my 9yr old would be riding a subway alone. I'm all for letting kids develop their independence, but I think that's just asking for trouble.

 

[Cindy B]

I work in an urban school. I have some students that take the public transit bus by themselves from thier homes to school. I have 9 year old students!

So, yes it happens.

My neighborhood now is one of the last old-fashioned areas. Kids still leave the house in the afternoon and come back when it is dark. There are kids walking around, riding thier bikes and visiting from house to house until they need to come in. It is very much like when I was a kid.

However, the call home is different. Back in my day, the mom would yell out of the back dooor or porch. Some very talented moms would do a whistle. Now the signal to come home is on the cell phone. When the cell phone rings, it is time to come home.

I do spot checks on my kids though. If they say they are one place (say the park) and I happen to drive by and I don't see them, there are some consequences.

 

[bellebud]

our news media certainly makes this a different world then when we all grew up. Here's my example...

there's a registered sex offender (molested his 2 young step daughters) a few miles from here. There are posters in post offices about this sicko from the State Police, there are emails circulating, an official note came home from the local public school to all the parents regarding him... seems lately he is following the school busses in his car, and hanging around bus stops in his car. He hasn't "done" anything yet, so he cannot be arrested. The police are watching and building a case to get him arrested, but he has to "do" something. I'd think w/ him hanging around bus stops, it would be illegal since he's a registered sex offender, but who knows. Maybe the police need to actually see him there themselves??? Anyway, even in the grocery store yesterday, a neighbor was asking me about it, and a stranger walked by and said "XXX school, huh? I heard about that guy too" (she was from a different school, but it's circulating everywhere).

Back when we were all growing up, we wouldn't know about him at all. We kids would be playing outside all day, this man would probably end up grabbing 1 kid and doing what he does. Only that 1 family would be affected, quietly, and the rest of us would go about our lives. Now we're all hyper-aware of him.

So put me under helicopter parenting because I watch my 7 and 8yo's when they're outside playing.

 

[just4today]

Back when we were all growing up, we wouldn't know about him at all. We kids would be playing outside all day, this man would probably end up grabbing 1 kid and doing what he does. Only that 1 family would be affected, quietly, and the rest of us would go about our lives. Now we're all hyper-aware of him.

So put me under helicopter parenting because I watch my 7 and 8yo's when they're outside playing.

I grew up living next to a sex offender who was abusing his daughters. We never knew until he was arrested (after I had left home). After that, a LOT of things clicked into place. My sisters and I were friends with his daughters, who were always "off" for lack of a better term. We never went in their home. They couldn't come over to our house. We played with them in their front yard only.

Like you said, it's a different world. We're all much more educated about it now. Sometimes ignorance isn't bliss.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am against anything extreme. Just be a common sense parent.

My parents were the "free range" parents, while I made it through, I sure could have used some help from my parents to grow up instead of having to learn everything on my own.

With my kids I use the common sense approach. They do make mistakes and learn from them. At the same time I will not "hover", how will they learn to make a good decision?

 

[NMAmy]

OP, I agree with your reply to the blog wholeheartedly. I watched the Dr. Phil show and couldn't believe how overprotective the "hover" mothers were. For those who didn't see the show, their children were not little but were about 17 years old and they were STILL allowing them no freedom at all. I think Dr. Phil was right on in stating that they were crippling their kids.

I'm the mom of a 17 yo girl myself. I've taught her to protect herself and to take care of herself because Mommy can't always be there every step of the way. I've always looked at it as my job to prepare her to leave me. I've given her independence as a child where I could be there as a backup so she'll know what to do when she's an adult.

 

[mjkacmom]

I was born and raised in NJ. Things were definitely different back then. We would go outside at 7 a.m. and return at lunch time. Then back out until we were told to be home at a certain time or when it started getting dark. And being in NJ was a lot different from being in NY. Never in my life would I send a 9 year old on a train, etc. alone. Especially in NY! As some people call people that actually try to protect their kids "helicopter parents," I'd have to call that one an "irresponsible parent."

I grew up in NJ (suburbs), as did my mom (Jersey City). By the time she was 9, she took trains, busses, and subways without adults - they didn't own cars. My kids go out and play, unattended. My dd12 and ds10 go biking around town with their friends. I've lived in this town almost my entire life, as did my dad. Yes, it's changed, but not drastically. Unlike the subway mom, my kids do carry cellphones with them - it's safer.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

For those who didn't see the show, their children were not little but were about 17 years old and they were STILL allowing them no freedom at all. I think Dr. Phil was right on in stating that they were crippling their kids.

I'm the mom of a 17 yo girl myself.

Also the mom of a 17yodd and we have a 17yo nephew who is the product of a hoverer. In addition had a nephew who is now 21 who actually had to leave home because he was literally a prisoner.

It is like you have to deprogram them. And they are afraid to make a decision while at the same time they loathe that about themselves.

It is like living a bi-polar existence.

 

[beckmrk04]

I'm the mom of a 17 yo girl myself. I've taught her to protect herself and to take care of herself because Mommy can't always be there every step of the way. I've always looked at it as my job to prepare her to leave me. I've given her independence as a child where I could be there as a backup so she'll know what to do when she's an adult.

This is what my goal is as a parent.

I have a toddler, so obviously- right now I do a lot of hovering! "Don't touch hot things!" "Don't jump off the couch!" "We don't pull the kitty's tail!"

But, as she gets older, that will ease. You can't teach kids independence and self-reliance if they never get a chance to develop those things.

And even though Dr. Phil is not my favorite guy anymore, he said something on his show once that has stuck with me. He said, "You aren't raising kids, you are raising adults." And it's true: everything we do as parents should be aimed to a goal of making sure our children are healthy (physically, mentally, and emotionally), independent, mature, responsible, proactive adults.

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

When I was growing up, we were allowed to go pretty much wherever, whenever as long as we told our parents. They didn't hover over us, so I guess that means I was pretty much a free-ranger. I walked home from school from the time I was in second, maybe 3rd grade until I was in HS (when I had to take the bus).

Now that I have a kid of my own, I'm learning to carefully tread the line between hovering and free-ranging. No, he doesn't go out in the front yard and play by himself, I'm out there with him. But I don't have to be on top of him every second either. He's allowed in the backyard by himself as long as the screen door is open, I'm in the kitchen (usually cooking, when he tends to get underfoot) and I can hear him. If I can't hear him, I'll stick my head out and yell for him. DS always gives me this look of "What? I"m right here!".

It's hard to know what to do sometimes, how to be a good parents..whether you're supposed to hover, free-range it or what. Especially so with DS, who has some signs of SID (though he's never been formally diagnosed), some slight physical delays and more than a slight speech delay. I didn't realize how hard it was to be a parent, let alone the parent of a special needs kid, until I became one.

 

[monkey68]

I guess my parents were more of the free range variety. I grew up in Brooklyn, definitely not suburbia, but my mom was leaving me home alone from the time i was 4 years old. She would go up the block to pick up my sister from school, and I would wait at home. I started walking with my sister when I got into 1st grade, and we were those lock and key kids, let yourselves in and lock the door.

We played outside, my mom hardly ever watched us. I was on the bus by myself when I was 11, subways when I was 13. Although I did have to call as soon as I got to wherever I was going. I also had to check in every few hours when I went into Manhattan, but by that time, I was able to borrow my mom's cell phone so it became easier. I think I turned out fine, even though I was "free ranged".

 

[PatsGirl]

Love,love, love your response. I find myself more often than not on the other side of the line on this (your side, lol). I let my children play alone without supervision, ride bikes, climb trees, have gocarts, go fishing at the pond, etc. My only rule is and has always been: they must have a buddy with them at all times!

I remember the last true "whipping" I got from my Dad ~~ I was about 12 years old and had taken the bus to the mall about 8 miles away. He was adamant that we were not allowed to go to the mall but I went anyways. I always swore I'd teach my children how to take public transportation (not that we have much here) and allow them with a friend to go to "far-away places" like the mall as soon as they showed the maturity to do this, which with my kids has been about 11 years old.

DS18 went into the AF six weeks ago and he was amazed how many kids had never flown or been anywhere outside their small little towns. Some are pretty helpless, never cooked a meal, made their bed, addressed an envelope, purchased their own hygiene supplies, etc. While hospital corners seem to be giving him a run for his money, the rest is gravy

Two of my favorite sayings: "Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child" and "It is a parent's job to give their kids wings and then, more importantly, allow them to fly and if they don't do it willingly, throw them out of the nest".

I don't think it's fair to make our children live in fear all the time, it takes away that childhood feeling of innocence that we as adults remember so well. Does this mean we shouldn't protect them? No. A little common sense goes a long way and yes, bad things happen to good people. I don't think there's a whole lot we can do about that.

 

[kellyg403]

I also agree with your response. I also grew up in the suburbs of DC and it was nothing for my mom to let me(16) and my friends take off and stay down in the heart of the city for a whole day. Back before cell phones even. Just had to be home by a certain time, and the excuse the subway was running behind was not a good excuse! We would be down there at night just laying around the mall area watching the tourists, having a good time.

The bad news is that I can't ever see myself being comfortable letting my children do that. I have been overly sensistized by the news, hearing about the crime in DC. And its sad to me, because its a place alot of people vacation too, and we had it all to ourselves everyday. It was "our city".

Living in a much smaller town now, I still have rules, but I try hard to let the kids go out on their own when I don't see anything wrong with it. I try to be careful but sometimes, I sound silly even to myself. Last May when my dd16 wanted to go to Project graduation I made sure to tell her don't drink anything anyone gives you, don't leave your friends and the people you know and definitely do no leave the building alone. Safety conscience yes, but later I got to thinking maybe I was being a little too mommyish. She is 16 and knows what to do, I raised her to think with her brain..now I have to trust her to use it.

Kelly