Fourteen has been the worst age by far!!!!!

[hereyago]

Ding Ding. If your son has always been like this and it was allowed, it is only amping up now. Nip it in the bud now, it is one thing if he wasn't like this now going through teenage years, but if he was like this before, don't enable it any longer.

He needs to volunteer and and learn some humility and get a job during the weekends and summer like mowing the lawn. Let him work for what he wants.

As for the grades, bad grades means no life outside of school, no computer, etc. If I had shouted at my DF, I would have had to pick myself off the floor, he shouts because he is trying to see what he can get away with in the disrespect zone.

 

[Robinrs]

My sister was a nightmare teenager, and my parents had nothing to do with it, either. They were WONDERFUL parents to everyone else, she just demanded the world to revolve around HER.

As the totally good other child I have to ask, since you mentioned he is the oldest I assume you have other children, PLEASE don't forget about them. My sister demanded so much attention that the OTHERS were virtually ignored. I felt so much like the Barbara character on One Day at A Time!

I spent most of my life trying to be OVER good so it could make up for my sister's treatment of my parents. It's not something that most parents plan to do but they usually have no choice when one is acting out like that.

Hugs to you... my parents suffered thru my sister's teenaged years but she turned into a loyal and loving daughter in her later years. There is hope!

 

[NHdisneylover]

marcy, sweetie, its been years since I had a 14yo. My DS' are 27&24yo now. BUT I was wondering about something ... do you have a video camera? I was thinking that when DS has these screaming temper tantrums, what if you were to video tape him, you know at least get what he is saying on tape ... when everything has settled down in the house, ask him to sit with you and watch/listen to the video. Sometimes, people just do NOT believe they act they way people tell them they do ... now you will have it on tape.
See what HIS reaction would be to HIS tantrums. Just a thought.

DD13 is having tantrums as well. She never even had them as a toddler and now we are so paying for what an easy little kid she was It is klike living with Mr Hyde and you never know when she will turn into Dr Jekyll over the most inoocent things. She has had 3 tantrums and they totally took me by surprise. She INSISTS they never happened and DH, DS and I are making it up I DO have the video camera charged and ready to go for the next time. I told her I was going to video it too--and she has managed not to have one since thenMy perfectionist appears not to be want to be confronted with proof that we are not crazy and she is misbahving after all

It IS rough (and I love teens overall as a group). I wish us all the bst of luck getting through.

One thing that helped me stay calm was that after the third tantrum I downlaoded Why Do They Act That Way by David Walsh. It was such a huge relief just to read that she is not totally abnormal and have some explanation for why she is acting like she is (like she says we yell at her all the time and often claims we are "angry" or "yelling" or "mean" anytime we do anything. Sometime you go to hug her and she insits you are trying to pinch her, etc.). Anyway, the book talks about a study done which showed that many teens tend to misinterpret normal behaviours as agression. It is normal and they do get past it. It helped me to realize she really does think that, and she is not totally crazy to do so when she does, and that she is not just making things up to start an argument or something.
I absolutely love and adore her--but there are days when I want to say who are you and what did you do with my lovely daughter?! Like others on here she is her usual (old) wonderful self when not at home.

 

[eliza61]

The only difference between us is that I am not going gray. I'm losing my hair from the stress of my teenage son. In fact, I glanced at that thread about the mother who sent her son back to Russia, and briefly considered doing this myself, even though my son has never stepped foot in Russia.

Ok, remember I'm the gal that just posted a thread about some species that have the common sense to eat their young. That pretty much tells you where I'm at right now.


Op, hang in there. I have 3 teenagers now and the only reason why I'm not drinking is because I'm scared that if I do I'll never lay off the stuff.

Parenting is hard work. I'm convince that's why kids start off as cuddley cute babies. Who would do this if we got them as teens.

My only advice. Lay down some tough love, you and dh present a united front and develope really thick skin.

My college freshman came home from school last week and some how thought he wasn't going to work over the summer. He thought he would be hanging out in NYC with his cousins all summer.

I brought him a copy of billy Joels "NY state of mind" and an application for a job at Great adventures and Clementon Lake Park.

 

[torinsmom]

Sounds like my DS15! As I posted on my facebook page one day a few weeks ago, "Thank God I had my child when I was young, because if I had to deal with this crap when I was 50, I would probably end up in the loony bin!"

DS is unmotivated and is satisfied with C's and D's in school. He will do his homework and classwork, but will do the minimum and as he is not a good test taker, he almost always barely passes or doesn't pass quizzes and tests. Getting him out of bed in the morning is a job in itself; it is like waking the dead. I make him go to bed early, but he doesn't fall asleep until late. He has ADD, and I think it is hard for him to calm his brain down.

As a PP said, everyone loves him at school and church. He is not a BAD kid anywhere but at home, and even then, he is great about 80% of the time. The other 20%, I wonder what planet he comes from.

Anyway, OP, you are not alone. I also remember being a terd when I was 15-17, so I try not to complain too much. I keep reminding him that his grades are important, but you can't control what they do at school. BTW, failed algebra last year, and had to retake it this year. When he was screwing up last quarter in French, I reminded him how it was to take Algebra twice and he is now passing that course. There is also the threat of summer school if he fails anything this year. I already know when it is, and have planned our trip around it, just in case.

 

[shortbun]

I think the single most important thing for you is to stay totally calm all the time. You don't throw fuel on a fire to put it out. I know this seems hard but when you feel yourself losing control, leave the room. Let him suffer the consequences of his actions and make your consequences natural not emotional. He is having a hard time, you see it. He needs your help through this just like he did learning to walk, potty train, eat with a fork, dress himself. These tasks he's having trouble with are much, much harder and he's got his hormones and peers added to it. Stay calm, really. Be on his side but be firm.

 

[RadioNate]

You all are scaring me because my nearly 9 year old is the same way. It is a constant struggle to keep him grounded. It is so funny to hear people say we've "allowed" it. Ok. My poor DS has lost every privilege known to man, been charged fines, sat in his room for days, sent to bed with no dinner and he still acts like the center of the universe.

He would absolutely bring home a bad report card and then ask me to buy him a new toy. He just does not 'get' at all how the 2 are connected. NOTHING is ever his fault. I'm just 'mean.'

It is relentless and I'm exhausted but I keep trying. During the last really bad day I told him that I loved him too much to allow him to grow up into a monster.

What is funny is his sister is his polar opposite. I don't get how 2 kids being raised by the same parents in the same household can be so different.

 

[Acklander]

I like this idea. It sounds like something Super Nanny would do! Thank you...we'll give it a try.

(question though...when you responded back in writing, did you validate his feelings but still remain firm on your convictions? Like, if he said that everyone failed a test, did you respond "even if everyone did fail, it is unacceptable for you to fail if you did not study. If you studied, and failed, I'd understand"....or something similar??)

some convictions I remained firm on, some things, after hearing his side, I could see his point so we were able to reach a compromise.
Many, many times my only response was just "So what are you going to do about it?" That helped me to see where he was in the thought process of whatever situation. An interesting thing came of it was, after a while he almost got a conditioned response of coming up with different solutions in the same page where he was voicing his complaints. It's like he knew I was going to ask what he was going to do about it. It was a great moment when he started looking for solutions before waiting for me to ask, from that point on I knew he was going to be ok.

 

[mom2boys77]

My mom told me the exact same thing and my son is a total sweetheart to everyone else!

Oh, and I wanted to mention that he is one of those kids that everyone loves. People at church, teachers, etc....they all think he is the most awesome kid. Respectful, etc. etc. Yeah, to them he is. To us, he is a complete beast

This comment stood out to me. My mother always says it's better to have them misbehave at home than in public. He is a beast to you bc he loves and trusts you. (Our counselor tells us that).

We are just entering 14 (end of 8th) and have experienced some of what you describe. We all need a support group to survive.

 

[HOGFAN]

...check back in when your child hits 16...if my 16 y/o is any indication

 

[iwrbnd]

Oh my goodness, I feel your pain! My wonderful sweet son was taken over by an alien when he was 14 and 15! Seriously the worst years of my life! The alien left his body around 16 and my boy came back! After reading your post I'm convinced the alien went into your boy's body because it sounds the exact same!

Hang in there and continue to be loving and consistant with your rules no matter how hard it is! Seek outside help if necessary. Don't lose hope about his future, take it day by day! Hugs and prayers to you!

 

[Katieinwonderland]

I was a HORRIBLE teenager! When I think back upon some of the things I used to do, I'm so ashamed. I never drank or did drugs or anything illegal, but I was a brat! I used to talk back to or completely ignore my parents, snuck out to go to parties, had screaming arguments with them...it must have been horrible for them. It was nothing to do with my parents - my little sister was a model teenager!

For me, it was a combination of things - hormones, that typical teenage feeling that "no one understands me" and "everything is sooooo unfair"...plus I went to an all girls private school where there was a huge amount of pressure to get perfect grades and fit in with everyone. I was stressed all the time and didn't feel like I could talk to anyone. So I'd say to keep the doors of communication open, no matter how much you want to strangle him!

If it makes you feel better, I was only like that for a year or two before things calmed down and I went back to normal. Now my parents seem to quite like me!!! When I asked my mom how she managed to live with me all those years, she tells me "we knew you'd grow out of it and go back to being our daughter...and in the meantime, we drank a glass of wine at the end of every day!!!"

I grew out of it, and hopefully your son will too. But in the mean time, know that it's not you as a parent that's making your son like this, it's most likely issues he's dealing with.

 

[JerseyJanice]

FWIW, it's worth I've been posting with you for years, Marcy in PA, and I always thought you sound like an awesome mother. Hang in there, mom!

The first time I brought my son to the pediatrician's office, he asked me how I was enjoying motherhood so far. I told him becoming a mom was the best thing ever. He laughed and said when he asks me the same question again in 15 years, he expects a different answer.

My son will turn 14 in August. So far, so good with him, but if his teen years wind up being like mine or his father's, we are in big trouble.

 

[angwill]

You just described my 15 year old son 100%. Only you didn't mention the continuous lies. He is so lazy he will tell people whatever he thinks they want to hear so they leave him alone. When school is in he looses all his privileges within the first month and he knows what he needs to do to earn them back and they are simple things like turn in the missing work but he refuses and says he doesn't care. No Wii, no cell phone, no TV, no movies, nothing. Sadly, there is nothing he wants bad enough to do his job of being a student and just doing the work. The school says let him fail he can go till he is 21 and 11 months. I say if this keeps up the door is going to be locked behind him when he turns 18. He is also in therapy where he listens and tells her he will do what is suggested and then doesn't.

I miss my sweet happy child of the past that hormones stole from me. I love him but I don't like the behavior. I have a count down clock set to when school is out because that is when things are so much easier to deal with. I need to set one for the day he becomes an adult. lol

OP, you are in good company and even though knowing that doesn't make it easier I do know it is not the way you raised him because neither did I.

 

[marcyinPA]

Thank you everyone!!! You have all offered me some wonderful advice, and your kind words have been very encouraging!

A couple of things stuck with me:
Robinrs: I have to tell you, I think about this all the time!! I do have a younger son, who is going to be 11, and is the polar opposite of his brother. He is very driven, very social, and very attentive. He's a total people person, and a people pleaser. My 14 year old does take up a ton of our time, not on a daily basis, but at least once a week, we are involved in some sort of major drama. My younger guy just hangs out, goes to his room, whatever....and then checks on me later to make sure I'm ok. It sort of breaks my heart, but he's so used to this now, it's probably just normal for him. Sometimes I feel so guilty, because he's the ray of sunshine among the clouds. I feel guilty for thinking this over my oldest.

Radionate: Nothing is ever my DS's fault either.

Shortbun: I need to leave the room. I tend to get "higher pitched" as he does, and although I know I shouldn't, it happens. Guilty.

NHdisneylover: My DS says I'm yelling all the time too! I really try hard not to yell, but I do use my "mom" voice. He freaks out...telling me to stop yelling at him! I'm going to check out that Why Do They Act That Way....

hereyago: The sad part is that he is VERY involved in church and has gone on several mission trips. He has worked in soup kitchens. He also volunteers at our local elementary school as part of his 60 required hours of community service with is needed to graduate. As of the end of his freshman year of HS, he has 120 hours...double what he needs to graduate. I know it sounds extremely contrary to how I've described him, but to other people, he has a very kind heart. He is calm, respectful, and willing to help anyone else....except my DH and myself.

Jerseyjanice: Thank you!! Sometimes I feel like I've failed as a parent...I guess we all feel that way from time to time. I love both of my boys so much, I just want the best for them! It's really hard to feel like you are doing a good job when your child thinks you hate them and that you've ruined their life!

Thank you again to everyone! I do pray for him each and every day, that he finally "gets it" and can live a good, long, productive and happy life!

 

[Christine]

Robinrs: I have to tell you, I think about this all the time!! I do have a younger son, who is going to be 11, and is the polar opposite of his brother. He is very driven, very social, and very attentive. He's a total people person, and a people pleaser. My 14 year old does take up a ton of our time, not on a daily basis, but at least once a week, we are involved in some sort of major drama. My younger guy just hangs out, goes to his room, whatever....and then checks on me later to make sure I'm ok. It sort of breaks my heart, but he's so used to this now, it's probably just normal for him. Sometimes I feel so guilty, because he's the ray of sunshine among the clouds. I feel guilty for thinking this over my oldest.

OMG, you've just described MY second child. He's been a happy kid since he was born (well, except for the eczema), but he's just so nice and wants to make everyone happy. He was just dreading when his sister came home for spring break because he knew the drama that comes with her. After there has been a big show-down, he always come to be later when we're alone and asks if I'm okay. He's 15 1/2 now and I hope he doesn't change too much on me. He's also my ray of sunshine, but I try to keep that WAY to myself.

 

[Robinrs]

Robinrs: I have to tell you, I think about this all the time!! I do have a younger son, who is going to be 11, and is the polar opposite of his brother. He is very driven, very social, and very attentive. He's a total people person, and a people pleaser. My 14 year old does take up a ton of our time, not on a daily basis, but at least once a week, we are involved in some sort of major drama. My younger guy just hangs out, goes to his room, whatever....and then checks on me later to make sure I'm ok. It sort of breaks my heart, but he's so used to this now, it's probably just normal for him. Sometimes I feel so guilty, because he's the ray of sunshine among the clouds. I feel guilty for thinking this over my oldest.

Believe me, he's learned it as a survival technique. I know, I was your younger son!! Concentrate on your ray of sunshine, and that thundercloud won't seem so ominous!

OMG, you've just described MY second child. He's been a happy kid since he was born (well, except for the eczema), but he's just so nice and wants to make everyone happy. He was just dreading when his sister came home for spring break because he knew the drama that comes with her. After there has been a big show-down, he always come to be later when we're alone and asks if I'm okay. He's 15 1/2 now and I hope he doesn't change too much on me. He's also my ray of sunshine, but I try to keep that WAY to myself.

He may not change. My son is 17 and he's ALWAYS been a ray of sunshine. He's an only child, though, and that may have a lot to do with it. After reading this thread I went to look for him and he was outside washing the pollen off of my car. He knows how it affects me and he wanted to make sure I was alright. I gave him a big hug and thanked him. I spent many years wanting to be appreciated for being a "good girl"... I try to tell him everyday.

My Mom told me on her deathbed that I ALWAYS made her feel like she was a good mother.... I was 46 and it was worth the wait.

 

[sunshine1178]

Girls too. 13-14 has been such a struggle for us. Therapy, medication, boundaries, and enforcing rules, and we might be seeing an improvement. So hard for *everyone.*

 

[Tinijocaro]

Ha-sometimes I feel so alone with my DS14 and his incredibly selfish, argumentative ways. Took PS3 away till his English and French grades are back up to a 90. He is relentless in his pursuit to get it back without having to raise his grades. He says low 80's are perfectly acceptable grades (not for him, he is much smarter than that-his low grades are for lack of effort and just not turning in assignments.

Someone please tell us all when he will be human again-he is really upsetting the family. Perhaps we should start a DS14 vent thread?? We can attempt to see whose ds is the MOST selfish.

Yes...not opposed to it at all. He actually went for a while when he was 8...he had a hard time dealing with his emotions and had frequent outbursts. Things got better, and less frequent, and now we are back to the outbursts again. I am in the process of narrowing down the six page list of therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists from our insurance company. I have a friend who is a therapist who is helping me find the right person. I have it narrowed down to two practices. I'm going to make calls on Monday.

I also have tutors for him...not that he needs them "academically", because he's a very bright, above average kid, but because he needs to be put back on track. I just don't know why he feels that it's ok to get get a "0" once in a while Our district is on block scheduling in HS, with 8 quarters a year (two semesters). The quarters are SHORT. If you get one bad grade, it's VERY difficult to pull it up. He just can't seem to understand that...either that, or he just doesn't care.

He brought home his report card last week...a B- in Biology, C- in French, and F in Algebra. First thing he asks (after we expressed our disappointment in French and algebra) is "can you take me to the store so I can buy a PS2 game?" Ugh, Noooo?! You brought home a crappy report card, but you want a reward? I don't think so.

Thank you for all of the hugs and support. We do try very hard to stick to our guns. He tries his best to wear us down, and play us against each other. It's been a tremendous strain on the family...not to mention that my DH recently became unemployed...

Oh, and I wanted to mention that he is one of those kids that everyone loves. People at church, teachers, etc....they all think he is the most awesome kid. Respectful, etc. etc. Yeah, to them he is. To us, he is a complete beast.

 

[ilovejack02]

What is funny is his sister is his polar opposite. I don't get how 2 kids being raised by the same parents in the same household can be so different.

My mother's best friend is one of the most loving caring women I have ever met and an amazing mother She has two children.. well now adults mid 30's .

One child, easy going, well behaved, good grades. The DD was hell of wheels , biggest brat I had ever met, soo mean to her parents. It always amazed me how different those kids are. DD even called the cops to say they were abusing her, which is so not true. She is now a lovely and strong woman with a great relationship with her parents.

One thing that stands out OP is that you said how much everyone loves your kid and thinks he is so great.
It means you are doing something right.

Teenagers like Tiger said are children in a bigger body, their brains aren't formed and then add all the crazy hormones and insanity sets in ; ).

I was INSANE at 14 , so mean , bratty , selfish, and very lazy. How my parents let me live I will never know .

My oldest now 21 did this around 16, all we could do was hold on for the ride and boy it was bumpy.

I did learn, not fighting back helped ALOT, when he went into tantrum mode , I walked away and let him have one, but never rewarded him, I never gave him an audience. Took awhile for me to learn the self control to be able to resist the temptation to freak out on him right back.
I learned to get my point across quickly and not to lecture to much, because all they hear is BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Good luck OP and hugs to you , teenagers suck sometimes, but once they hit their 20s usually they grow up and life calms down thank goodness. It won't last forever I promise.