Foster Parenting

[Stitch1404]

I just filled out an application to become a foster parent and will have a home inspection coming up. This is something I have been thinking and praying about for over a year and I know it was the right decision. Before becoming a stay at home mom I worked in an inner city public school. I saw children who came from abuse, neglect, alcoholism, etc. and my heart ached for them. I wanted to help them. Ever since I left teaching I have always felt the need to help children and I thought this would be the way I could do that. So, is anyone else a foster parent? Any insight on the experience would be greatly appreciated.

 

[tripletsmama]

I have no experience with foster parenting but I too am a former teacher. There are lots of kids out there who need lots of love. This is a good thing you are doing.

 

[SRUAlmn]

Same here. No foster parenting help to offer, but I'm a teacher and all I have to say is THANK YOU!!! We have a LOT of kids in my school that are in need of foster homes or who are in homes of foster parents who are doing it for the money and could really care less about them. It breaks my heart and it's so great to see someone who is doing it for the right reasons

 

[Stitch1404]

tripletsmama and SRUAlmn...thanks for the kind words.

SRU...your fur baby is ADORABLE!

 

[L107ANGEL]

My MIL fostered for years and ended up adopting my 2 new SILS. I had considered doing it myself but I know how hard it is to bond with these children and the heart break when they leave.
I commend your choice to do this and I am sure you will terrific at it!

 

[Holly]

Foster parenting was a wonderful experience for our family. Dealing with the kids themselves was always the easy part for us, it was the parents of the kids that were hard to handle. Also there is such a negative stigma attached to foster parenting, so expect comments and judgements.

My advice would be to set clear boundaries with the social workers from the start. For example, be clear about the number of children you are willing to take. Don't allow parental visits in your own home, if the visits need to be supervised, let social services do it in their office.

Good luck with everything! It really is a wonderful thing to do.

 

[lowie]

good for you! i've been also thinking a lot about becoming a foster parent. we certainly have the extra love, money & room to try and help a child or children.
i know my dh has a huge heart and would welcome a child in, he adopted my daughter from a previous relationship. but i also know that he would have an awful time letting go, especially if he felt that the child was going back into a bad situation (which i'm sure happens often). the courts are so gung-ho to get children back with their parents that sometimes they don't make the best choices.
best of luck!

 

[DisneyDotty]

We were foster parents of 5 children over 5 1/2 years.
First the bad:
We eventually left our agency due to its total lack of communication with us over health issues of our foster child (We knew he had allergies--agency wouldn't or perhaps couldn't reveal any health history, and made no effort to get the history or help us get into a doctor who could test for the allergies.) The burnout rate for caseworkers is very high--we were constantly getting new ones who were overworked and undertrained. Finally, they burned us too. We considered switching agencies (and looking back I wish we had) but now my DH's job has changed, and as he has long hours and many weekends away, I'm not up to the task of doing it alone.

Now the good:
The kids we had have taught us (me, DH, DD12 and DS8) so much. They brought lots of tears and frustration to our lives, but also so much love and compassion and fun and humor that we have absolutely no regrets. When a 6 week old baby with multiple fractures had to leave our house, I thought my DD's heart would break. But she has survived and has learned so much about helping others, being generous and caring and loving towards strangers. Another little boy we had for almost a year was placed with a new family after some issues came up, which ended up being perfect for him, as he was later adopted by that family.

My advice?
Secure a good support system--church, family members, neighbors. Foster children requre a lot of patience and love, and you will need the help.
Make sure you have good communication with your agency. If you don't, seek another agency.
Laugh a lot and cry when you need to.
You may be amazed and so disappointed by the judicial system, health care industry, and attitudes of some people towards foster care. Use that anger/disappointment to fight for your foster kids. They'll need it.

Bless you and I wish you all the best!

 

[Biscuitsmom31]

I think it's great! I've considered it myself but I can barely handle for 4 kids I have now.

It shocks me that some people have a negative attitude toward foster parenting. Why?

 

[Beth76]

This is something I'm considering in the future. Are you allowed to choose the age of the children you foster? I ask because I have two small children and wouldn't be comfortable fostering an older child or teen, at least not until my children are older. Also because I only have two seats in my car that can safely hold an older child. My older son needs one seat and my younger son would need the other in about another year. So, then I would only be able to have a smaller child in a car seat.

Also, if school-aged, where do they go to school? The public school where I live? What about doctors? Would they go to my doctor or a special state doctor? Sorry for all the questions. I know no one who has ever been a foster parent. I really don't even know where to start.

 

[barkley]

former foster care supervisor here-best suggestion i can offer is to look around your area for foster care support groups. these folks can offer the best advice re. what agencies to work with (around here folks once lic. could get kids directly through social services or through agencies that social servces contracted with), the realities of being a foster care provider and how to deal with the day to day challenges. some social services agencies offer great workshops to existing/potential fc parents to provide a better understanding of how the 'system' works (who in your local agency is responsible for what, what kind of resources are available, how to access them...).

some of the fc parents i worked with started a neat practice among themselves-since alot of kids come into placements with only the clothes on their backs, and it takes some time before funds are issued to the new placement-they kind of developed a 'community closet' among themselves-they watched the sales/went to garage sales and each had a stash of clothes, hygene products, toys, diapers (if they accepted infant placements)-but each knew what age range the other's 'stash' covered-so if one got say an 8 year old boy she could call another who had pjs, clothes and toys for that age that they could use until the got the child some permanant items (it was too cool-they kept track of what size diapers the others had, what size clothes-some went so far as to store those little tyke items they'de gotton deals on-all worked together to support each other).

best wishes-i realy admire people who are willing to take on this most challenging endeavor!

 

[reddixie]

I have never been a foster parent. I was the foster child. I was in 4 different homes. I lived with several for just a few months. I then lived with Ga's best foster parents (they received an award 2 years straight as the best) for 2 years. We take tons of patience. The damage that our family does never fully goes away. My best foster parents though taught me how to break the cycle. They did this with love, patiences, kindness, and a good example. Depending on the age child you get let me tell you some things. If they are a girl and 15 don't assume they understand their menstrual cycle and all the things that go with it. If they are a boy and 9 don't assume that peeing in the bed is out of spite. If they are 2 and can't pick up toys you should teach. Most of these children don't know the basics no matter the age and are developementally behind. You should be prepared to deal with lice, nightmares, rage, and lots of love. It is a wonderful thing for a person to do. Just know that you are an angel to one child and thanks for doing something I can't. I don't trust the system and never will. That is a whole other thread but I wanted to be a foster parent and just can't do it. So Thanks and good luck.

 

[DisneyDotty]

Also, if school-aged, where do they go to school? The public school where I live? What about doctors? Would they go to my doctor or a special state doctor? Sorry for all the questions. I know no one who has ever been a foster parent. I really don't even know where to start.

Yes, kids go to the school where you live. Doctors--well, good luck. Ask your family doctor. My family doctor had to stop taking Medicaid because of the poor payment schedule, so I was forced to search for a doctor who would take medicaid. (Never found one, actually. Had to use the ER--totally ridiculous situation with insurance in this country. Don't get me started.)

My dentist, who also wouldn't take Medicaid, said I'd be better off paying out of pocket and just calling it a donation. He was right.

 

[joshsmom]

Not a foster parent, but a 15 year veteran (12 with the State of Illinois) as a caseworker managing foster care cases. I also do training for foster parents just beginning their journey.

First of all, thank you for making this committment. We NEED good foster parents who will show our kids that abuse/neglect is not the "norm" and they deserve a better life.

Some tips: keep lines of communication with your worker and licensing worker open. If you're not happy, not getting what you need, not getting calls returned, don't let it sit and fester. Call the supervisor immediately and if that doesn't work, go up the chain of command. We lose so many good people because of miscommunication.

Go with your foster children to doctor appointments, counseling appointments, court, whatever. They need your support and because you are with them 24/7, you are an excellent advocate for them. When the Judge asks you how things are going, be honest--even if that means telling him/her that the caseworker is not doing what they are supposed to, i.e. giving you critical medical information, etc. (BTW, in Illinois, it is in the Foster Parent Law that all medical, psychological, behavioral information ABOUT THE CHILD has to be disclosed to the foster parent. To omit this information would not only be against the foster parent/worker partnership, it would be against the law!)

Know what you're willing to deal with. Sometimes you get a call in the middle of the night and are so excited that you may get a foster child that you forget that you don't necessarily want to deal with some behaviors/issues. Have a list handy so that you remember what you will and will not deal with--and stick to it. I would much rather have a foster parent tell me no (even at 2am) than have me move that same child a week later because they really didn't want to deal with the child's specific issues. Coming into foster care is traumatic enough, but a disrupted placement compounds the issues for the child. Don't be afraid to say NO!!! Don't worry, we'll call you again. Unfortunately there are way too many children who need placement.

Remember that even if the birth parents have done horrible things to their children, the children can still be bonded/protective of the parents and may actually BLAME you for their being in foster care. With patience and sometimes counseling, children work through these issues. Also, parents still have parental rights until they are terminated. Therefore they have a right to visitation. To protect your privacy, don't start these in your home. If after time you meet the parents, feel comfortable with them, whatever, it is up to YOU how much you want to disclose about yourself. But remember that these folks have done something to have their children removed and you do not want to be a target of their wrath through harassment, etc. Also, EXPECT to be hotlined yourself. It is not unheard of for biological parents to feel so completely angry and out of control, they figure the best way to "get back" at someone is to hotline the foster parents. KNOW YOUR RIGHTS. In Illinois you have the right to have an attorney, friends, family, whatever, present when the investigator comes out. DON'T PANIC!!! We in child welfare EXPECT foster parents to get hotlined. We are required by law to complete an investigation. However, investigators are well trained to find the truth in allegations. I know its hard when you're under the microscope to remain calm, but we're there to help, not hurt (Do No Harm).

I know there's so much more, but I've already taken up way too much time. Making this committment is HUGE in a family's life, but we NEED good people so badly. My best to you and your family in this endeavour.

 

[DisneyDotty]

It shocks me that some people have a negative attitude toward foster parenting. Why?

Hmm...How shall I put this diplomatically? Some parents have so insulated themselves and their children from the harsher realities of life that they are horrified when you, with your foster children, shove said realities in their face by going to school with them, playing on the playground or on park district teams with them, etc.

 

[barkley]

This is something I'm considering in the future. Are you allowed to choose the age of the children you foster? I ask because I have two small children and wouldn't be comfortable fostering an older child or teen, at least not until my children are older. Also because I only have two seats in my car that can safely hold an older child. My older son needs one seat and my younger son would need the other in about another year. So, then I would only be able to have a smaller child in a car seat.

Also, if school-aged, where do they go to school? The public school where I live? What about doctors? Would they go to my doctor or a special state doctor? Sorry for all the questions. I know no one who has ever been a foster parent. I really don't even know where to start.

you can choose the age range you are willing to accept (had some INCREDIBLY awsome folks who were qualified for/opted to only take infants that had tested drug positive). as far as medical goes-it depends on how the social services agency in your area operates it's version of medical. the county i worked in had established clinics and doctors, but any doctor who was will to accept their coverage was acceptable (that same county is now changing to using only a certain network of doctors so the fc kids will have to go to those which could be a pain for the fc provider).

as far as school goes-usualy they will go to the school nearest the provider (or whereever you're 'zoned' to) unless they have some issue that mandates they continue at a particular school.

why do some people have a negative attitude about foster parenting? they've endured hellish placements (kids even in the worst most abusive situations still often have an undying loyalty to their parents-they resent being placed and are often very difficult to deal with-even if they are'nt resentful they may have behaviours and habits that can turn your home upside down), they've had to deal with getting a child medical help with little or no idea of what issues exist, what medical history the child has (sometimes the s.w. does'nt tell, sometimes they have no idea-children removed are under the jurisdiction of the geographical location they are removed in not their actual home area, so if a child is removed outside their home area it may be that there's no information about them at all-and trying to get information from another state can be next to impossible or the child may have NEVER been part of 'the system' elsewhere so no information exists)-and the child may not yet have been technicly 'granted' medical coverage so you have to find a doctor willing to treat pending the process. they've endured 'the system' (one worker for court issues, one worker for medical issues, one worker who issues the funds...and they never seem to talk to one another, and they seem to change weekly-the bulk of sw's in cps are newbies right out of college and they burn out fast-it was one job we did constant hiring for-to entice people the county i worked for did a program that paid for their entire master in sw but they had to contract for 2 years minimum knowing they could not move out of cps), gotten a child with absolutly nothing (no clothes, school supplies...) gone out and bought stuff and then the child gets moved a week later wherein you quickly learn the rate of 'foster care payment' does'nt even cover your out of pocket expenses (this is why it's important to decide and be adamant what type of placemets you will take-emergency (could be for just a couple of nites while the situation is being investigated or until another placement is found), interim (short term pending a court decision or until the childs moved to a more suitable placement) or long term. but worst is just the heart-break. seeing what 'people' can do/not do to innocent children and then seeing 'the system' give the parents 'do-overs' time and time again-it's mind numbing.

anyone considering realy should seek out a local support group-you will hear the good the bad and the ugly. there has to be alot of good though, despite what some people think-it's not a money making proposition (mc donalds pays better and you can leave at the end of your shift) so the folks that stick with it are truly a special group of people.

 

[marlasmom]

I encounter foster parents in my role as a guardian ad litem. What Barkley says about social workers is unfortunately very true. I am constantly frustrated. Some of the foster parents I meet are just wonderful - true heros and heroines in my book. Some are in it for the money. There was one case where a woman had about 14 teenagers. She sent them out to work for the neighbors, cutting grass, shoveling snow and so forth. She kept all of their earnings. The kids did all of the work in running the house. Their living conditions were abysmal. I have no clue why this was allowed to continue. There was another case where they lost a child. No one knew where she was or with whom. I have a case now where the children have been with a caregiver for a year. When I first saw the kids they were very thin, filthy, greasy hair, barely knew how to feed themselves but grabbed for every bit of food they saw - hiding it when they could. Now, one year later they have both gained weight, are well-mannered and are very affectionate with the caregiver as she is with them. The mother has not completed her drug classes, has held minimum wage jobs for only 2 or 3 days at a time and does not have a stable place for the kids to live and they want to reunite the kids!!!! It is a heartbreak.