For those of you who have lost a loved one..

[mickey65]

How do you get through the 'firsts'? My mom passed away in July and with Christmas coming I have been finding myself a bundle of mixed emotions. My mom always like to celebrate Christmas, the family part and the traditions that she so instilled in our family. I go shopping at the mall and see all the decorations and hear the music and I end up crying again. How do you get through the first Christmas?

 

[winniedapooh]

I don't have the answers for you that you are looking for. I do know that a year of firsts is always the most difficult and some say it never gets better. I like to think that it will. Pixie dust, kind thoughts and prayers for you.

 

[JerseyJanice]

The "firsts" are very hard, the "seconds" aren't much better. Actually, the "seconds" were worse for me after I lost my parents because I wasn't expecting to feel so bad. First time around, I was more "prepared" to be upset, if that makes sense. I was kind of blind-sided by the second year.

This year, I am facing my first Christmas without my niece, who was my Godchild and who I thought of as the daughter I never had. She died after a long and terrible illness on 11/10.

I am dreading this Christmas not so much because it's the first one without her, but because I am still grieving badly for her. I am not in the mood to have fun of any kind (including holiday fun), but I have an 8 year-old boy, and I don't want any of his Christmas ruined.

So I'll do my best to buck up, especially around him, and carry on.

It's not easy though.

{{{Hugs}}} to you. My condolences on the loss of your mother.

 

[r3ngels]

I still cry every Christmas... happy tears for my DD's, I see the magic of Christmas through them but sad tears because it is one more Christmas without my Grandmother (who was the most wonderful person I have known if I could be half the person she was I will be blessed)

I truly am sorry for your loss. It is a tough time of year without all of the ones you love with you.

 

[Blueeyes101817]

{{{{hugs}}}} i know its tough..my aunt died Dec 18 in 1998...so the first christmas was 2 days after the funeral....we all (my family) dealt with it by "acting" happy..she had 2 young sons , who were 3 and 6, so we had no choice.....a couple of us at a time would go away from the family and just talk about my aunt...it got us through...

 

[Jockaroo]

I was very close to my Grandmother. She had a heart attack on Christmas Eve. My mom had to call me Christmas Day to tell me she would not live through the day--she did, but passed away a few weeks later. We moved her belongings out of her apartment on my birthday. This was several years ago and it still is very hard. Every year I hang a special ornament on my tree (one she made for me as a child) and "talk" to her so she knows I still remember her. And I usually cry as I do this. I still go Christmas shopping and pick out a gift for her each year--I just don't get to buy it.

It's Christmas and you are supposed to be happy. But you are still grieving and it is OK not to feel happy, or "normal". Somehow, you will have the strength to make it through the holidays. And with each year that passes you will still feel an emptiness--even when the pure, raw hurt subsides. I am sorry for your loss.

 

[WDWLVR]

The firsts are very hard. I lost my mom in October of '97 so it was very fresh in my heart in Christmas of '97. I got through it by remembering happy times. I inherited a lot of special Christmas ornaments from my mom. Ones I had given her over the years. I went out and bought a small tree and we decorate that one with those ornaments and the angel that she used to have on her tree. It keeps me close to her at this special time of year. I also make sure I decorate her grave with a little tree.


as you face your year of firsts.

 

[Laura]

There aren't any very good answers. Everyone grieves in a different way. I'll tell you my story.

My mom died in 1993, just ten days before Christmas (and three days before my birthday, the 18th of December), and it was good to have celebrations to keep our minds off her death, her funeral, etc. We buried her with our Christmas presents to her. So you can imagine that we were still pretty shellshocked. Especially considering that my mom died three months after being diagnosed with cancer. It was all a blur for me.

The following year was harder--the whole year after her death, not just Christmas. I wore a necklace all year that my mother gave me a few months before she died. I graduated from high school (I decorated my cap with glitter that read "Hi Mom") and went off to college. The anniversary of her death was TOUGH. I cried and cried. At the end of that first year, I stopped wearing the necklace. I think somehow I was done with the intense mourning.

I think the death of someone you're close to isn't something you "get over", it's something you get used to. You learn to live with the grief, you remember the good times when the person was alive, etc. I don't dwell on my mom's illness, I think about how she taught me to wink and called me by a special nickname and so on. I know she'd hit me with a lightning bolt from above if I used her death as any kind of excuse for acting like a jerk or going nutso.

I like to concentrate on what she'd wish for me, for the whole family. She wouldn't want us to wallow in our grief. But I still grieve. And I still cry. The day my mother died will always be the worst day of my entire life. (I hope.) It would be totally okay for your whole family to break down bawling while opening Christmas presents. It'd be normal to cry in a mall while buying gift wrap. It's as unhealthy to keep things bottled up as it is to endlessly dwell in sadness.

Anyway, I want to wish you a Merry Christmas. I know your mom is there with you in spirit. I feel like my mom is always with me.

 

[Forever42]

You've got some great replies already.

My mom passed away two years ago on Dec 3, when I was 21. Because it was right before Christmas, that Christmas was kind of a blur. Last year's Christmas was very hard. Both years I definitely wasn't in the Christmas spirit. I did what I had to, to survive - didn't listen to Christmas music, didn't look at decorations, things like that. It would have hurt more to do so than to ignore it. I just kind of pushed through.

Now that I'm coming on my third Christmas, I'm doing much better. Time does help. You'll still cry, though, and there's nothing wrong with that. I cry nearly every day because of my mom. My mom made every holiday and birthday a huge deal and now that she's gone it's not nearly the same. And the time will come when you'll be able to have your traditions and make new ones. It just takes time.

You're in my prayers. Let yourself grieve, even in public, and don't be ashamed of it.

 

[Deb & Bill]

My mother died in June, a week after my birthday. My dad died two years before that. I was feeling a bit low, whne I got a call from my sister (she's been a widow for over 6 years). Well, she's met a wonderful man and they are getting married. After a long year of sorrow and sadness, we have some real joy in our family now. I am so happy for her and her husband-to-be. I know they will be so happy. And I know my mom and dad would love him as well.

 

[mickey65]

Thank-you for all your replies and wisdom. I like the idea about the tree at the grave. My mom is buried so far away from where I live (12 hours) so that just might be a good thing for me to do. Christmas will be the first time I have been up there since she passed away.

 

[poohandwendy]

Hugs to all of you who are experiencing the first Christmas without your loved ones. It is definitely tough and yes, the second is tough too. It's really never easy to have a significant loved one missing during the holidays.

The only ''advice'' I can give is to surround yourself with people who care and understand your loss.

 

[newholidayx2]

Dad died July 22, 1994

That first Christmas I made a star which hung from our dining room light fixture. A Christmas card at his grave (1.5hrs away)
Every Christmas I have peppermint lifesavers and Milky Ways. He always had peppermints in his pocket and a milky way bar after dinner. I'll continue that for a long time as its a physical reminder.

 

[Ellen aka Snow White]

Great responses! I lost my 15 year old niece in a terrible car accident in 2002. It really doesn't get any easier. This year has really personnaly been hard on me as my DD turned 15. It is was really hard to celebrate that one, but for her sake we pushed through.

Our first Christmas without Kayla, was really hard for the whole family. From the time she was 4 years old, SHE was the one to say the blessing. With all the emotions noone really thought about this detail until it was time to say it. However, my sister (her mom) didn't hesitate she said in Kayla's honor she would say it. We also started some "traditions" to do each year. We hang an Angel on the tree at church in her memory, at our family celebration, we burn a candle next to her picture (we do this at Thanksgiving too) and my sister puts a tree on her grave. It makes things a little easier. Like another poster said, the second and thirds have been harder but with these traditions in place it helps. Also lots of praying!

 

[Puffy2]

Well, I think it also depends on how you view "death" and afterlife, etc... I'm a firm believer that we loose a body but the spirit goes on and I am comfortable knowing that my loved one who passed a few years ago is still around in spirit and sees all that goes on. So, at the holidays, and other times, I talk to them - it's sad that I can't "see" them, but I often "feel" them with me. AND, I know that they would be really sad to think that I was miserable during a holiday time because that is not the way they would want things to be.

I also do things to keep them with me - hang their picture on the tree, etc...

 

[luckywife]

Our first Christmas without my mom was last year. It was VERY hard, especially since DH, our 2 boys and myself were staying at her house with my dad to help him out. My mom loved Christmas. She started shopping long before December and it was difficult to think about the holidays without her around. One thing I did was buy a small Christmas tree (one that would sit on a table) and I decorated it with Donald Duck ornaments, or anything else I could find that had him on it. Donald Duck was her favorite character so I thought it was a nice way to honor her and remember her. I put the tree out again this year and when I look at it, it always brings a smile to my face. I wish I could find an easy way to cope with the loss of my mom, she was not only my mother but truly my VERY best friend. I try to remember how much she enjoyed the holidays and how I know in my heart she would want us to celebrate the best way we know how without her.
Many hugs and prayers to all of you who are dealing with the loss of a loved one.

 

[safetymom]

Just be aware that sometimes it isn't the "day" that is the worst. You are prepared for it, it hits you a couple of days later.

It does get softer with time but be kind to yourself.

 

[believe]

This is my first Christmas without my Mom. The only way I am getting through it is with my faith in Jesus Christ, that Mom is better now, and with knowing how she kept going, even at the worst of times. I can't let her down, she would want me to continue. My mornings are the worst, and Sundays....miss Mom sitting in the pew next to me. For Thanksgiving we all made a beaded Christmas tree to give in her honor, she helped me make these in years past, which she herself gave everyone one on her final Thanksgiving with us. For Christmas I am going to give each of the family a small gift in memory of her (tarts, she loved these and gave each family a tart burner for her final Christmas with us). So doing the little things is helping me so far, as well as all the prayers I am receiving. Tonight my family will be attending a memorial service for my Mom. We ordered ornaments, that we will receive at the service, to put on our trees.

 

[Nancy]

One of the things we did after my FIL died was change where we celebrated Christmas Day. Christmas Eve was always at Grandma's house (DH's Grandma) and Christmas Day we went to both families. The first year after my FIL died I had everyone come to my house and we have kept that tradition going. After my Dad died we still kept it at my house. It was still sad but I can deal with sadness a bit better then my DH's family can. Yes, it's sad every year to think of family members that aren't here anymore, but in the case ofmy dad I felt it was more important to keep tradition going (like having polish sausage on Christmas...and I don't even eat it!)

 

[tazz23]

u really have some great and thoughtful replies!
Its made me a bit teary reading some of them as my dad passed away last christmas unexpectedly- he had suffered a heart attack. He was in a coma for 3 days before they pronounced him severely brain damaged and he died later that night. His death never really 'hit' me until a couple of months later- i dont think many people knew how to react around me (i was 18 and at college- so it acted as a distraction- i concentrated on my studies and stayed strong for my brother, whos 11 and was in denial that dad had left).
The only advice i can share is what i was told- Dont be ashamed to get together with close friends and family and grieve if you need too- you'll feel a lot better afterwards. Remember happier times together and perhaps make a book of memories (little quotes she said that made you smile or events you shared). As for christmas, Laura (posted above) gave some wonderful advice, your mother wouldn't want you to wallow- go out and make this the best christmas ever in memory of her. My mum, brother and I are going to Disney this christmas as a family- hopefully it should make it a little less painful when the anniversary comes round (not sure how we will all react, but hopefully being at disney will ease the pain a bit). I don't know if what i wrote helps but i just strongly felt for you ill be thinking of you xxxx