? For those going through or already divorced and have children..

[Desnik]

My sister is going through a divorce and it's starting to get nasty. My BIL is now suing for sole custody of their 3 children. Ages 11, 7, and 2. He works full time. She works part time and brings her 2yo with her to work. My question is, is it possible for her to loose her kids? How often are fathers awarded sole custody when there is nothing "wrong" with the mother? Meaning there is no abuse by either parent, no substance abuse, etc. My sister is a wreck and I don't know what to tell her or how to help her. Everything she asked for in the divorce agreement is what she is entitled to by law(NY state) My BIL is contesting everything and is treating her really bad.

 

[danacara]

No chance unless there's something the two of them aren't telling you ... any accusations of abuse here? Also, this &$*%&# move on his part is going to rack up the lawyers' fees.

Edited to add: I searched back and read your post about your sister. This is the kind of "not telling you" info that I referenced. Going off her meds, the married men, the out at all hours ... this is going to make a judge blink. Maybe he's suing for full custody because he's trying to send her a message here.

 

[TEENEE]

My ex tried to get more than what he was entitled to also. All your sister has to do is make sure all of her ducks are in a row when she goes to court. The judge will see that her soon to be ex is being unreasonable and will do what is right for the kids. Do the kids live with her now? If so that is in her favor. Typically the courts don't like to disrupt the children any more than they have to. When my ex and I went to court he wasn't prepared, (we didn't have lawyers, neither one of us could afford one) the mediator was very annoyed with him because he was asking for custody that was not in my kids best interest. When all was said and done I had to compromise some but for the most part got what I wanted. Good luck to your sister.

 

[RitaZ.]

Desnik, didn't you post recently about your sister? Is it possible that your BIL found out about your sister's lifestyle change and is now using it as a way to get custody of the children?

I'm not judging your sister, I'm just wondering if that could be the reason that your BIL is now pursuing custody.

 

[bsnyder]

Is there anyone, a family member or trusted friend who your sister can approach to see if they can talk some sense into your BIL?

I'd tell your sister not to give up hope yet for a more amicable situation....she should certainly be prepared, from a legal standpoint, to protect her interests. But her goal should be to work things out with her ex so that they can co-parent those children together (regardless of who has official custody).

They're getting a divorce from each other, yes, but they'll always be parents, together, of those children.

Good luck to your sister, I hope the situation gets better. The initial aftermath of a breakup can be very emotional, and people do and say things they may come to regret later. Sometimes, with a little time and distance, the situation can improve. And that would be a great benefit to those children.

 

[bsnyder]

desnik, I just did a search, based on Ritz's post, and read what you wrote about your sister's situation. I sent you a PM.

 

[Fizban257]

My $.02 as a father who went through this. The law states that both parents are on equal footing regarding custody due to equal rights. In fact, mother's still win the majority of these cases--as Orwell said, some people are more equal than others. There is a movement to make the default in all cases joint physical custody. The kids have both the right and the need to have both of their parents deeply involved in their upbringing. This shouldn't be a contest between the parents to prove who is the "better" or "more deserving" parent. I don't mean to judge anyone, especially considering I'm divorced, but divorce shatters these kids world. As the adults, parents should be working to make this a painless as possible on the children. My advice to your sister is to be as reasonable as possible. My experience has been that the courts will reward you for trying to do what's right by the kids, and punish you (and the kids in the long run) if you are unreasonable, pushy, etc.

I'm not sure what the one poster meant by "lifestyle change." But, if your BIL is saying negative things to the kids about your sister because of this, it is a serious problem. This is estrangement and the courts take this very, very seriously. It is the job of each parent to actively foster a close, loving relationship between the children and the other parent, regardless of their personal feelings. If this is taking place, and she can prove it, she'll almost certainly gain primary physical custody.

 

[poohandwendy]

To be brutally honest...based on the other post you recently wrote about what your sister is going through, I would say you and your parents should really sit her down and talk about her behavior. If she doean't want to change it, that is up to her. But her ex is well within his rights to ask for sole custody if he feels she is not putting the childrens needs first. The harsh reality is if he can convince a judge that is true, she could end up losing custody.

I hope everything works out, especially for the kids sake. I would tell her "Now is not the time to worry about having fun" She needs to pull it together. I am not judging her behavior, but her ex and the courts will. She needs to remember that.

My prayers for your family and all involved.

 

[poohandwendy]

I'm not sure what the one poster meant by "lifestyle change." But, if your BIL is saying negative things to the kids about your sister because of this, it is a serious problem. This is estrangement and the courts take this very, very seriously. It is the job of each parent to actively foster a close, loving relationship between the children and the other parent, regardless of their personal feelings. If this is taking place, and she can prove it, she'll almost certainly gain primary physical custody.

If I am reading your post right, I think you may have misunderstood the context in which 'lifestyle changes' was made in this situation. Someone correct me if I am wrong, but the sister isn't gay. (I am not getting the feeling that the main issue is the father telling the kids bad things about the mother, but he may also be doing that). I am getting the feeling that the father feels the mother isn't putting the kids needs first. If he can convince the court that is true, she may lose custody.

 

[Desnik]

Here's a link to my previous post about my sister:
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=560802

I don't think he knows about the "other man". I do think he suspects it. He's not stupid. He has asked her and she denied it. My BIL is the kind of man who would rather pay lawyers fees just to spite my sister and have less money that he'll have to give her. He's the type of man who walks around with a pocket full of money while his kids have holes in their socks! He doesn't want to end this marriage and has told her he will do whatever it takes, of course that doesn't include going to theropy to work on all his baggage!!

They still live in the house together. He refuses to leave and he now makes her sleep on the couch while he is in "his" room. My sister is living in a house with so much tension and her poor kids are in the middle. She works as a daycare manager and then a spin instructor at a gym. She takes her daughter with her and is running around taking the other 2 to all their games, karate, etc. While he goes to work and comes home, and does nothing else!! The house is in desperate need of repairs and he is too cheap and lazy to do them!

The only thing he is in agreement with is to sell their house and split the profit. She has to uproot her 3 kids, give away their dog, and move in with my mother!! My mother's house is a mother/daughter set up.

 

[poohandwendy]

You posted that she is "staying out till all hours of the night". If they are still living under the same roof...he is aware of that. You and your parents think she is out of control, he probably does also. If he can convince the courts this is true, he may win custody. I would plead with her to slow it down a tad.

 

[poohandwendy]

What I am getting at is it the courts responsibility is to put the kids in the most stable environment. They don't really care who is 'nicer' to the other spouse. It doesn't matter if your ExBIL is a jerk, it matters if he can offer the kids a more stable environment. If he is considered more stable than your sister, he will have a better chance of primary custody. ( I am not siding with him, btw. I am sure he has made his own mistakes)

 

[Fizban257]

O.k., I read the other thread now, so I know what "lifestyle change" means and your sister's behavior is not conducive to her gaining primary physical custody. That said, it doesn't neccessarily mean she won't gain it anyway (I'm trying really hard here not to say "win" or "lose" so pardon my tortured syntax). I was in an earily similar situation regarding my ex's behavior at the time that she left me--another guy, out till all hours, etc. It will really come down to who has the better lawyer and how "old fashioned" the judge is. It's illegal, but there are still tons of judges out there who believe all children belong with their mother, regardless. Your BIL is strengthening his chances by continuing to live with his kids. The courts can take as much as a year to hear a case, and a year of living with Mom and seeing Dad on the weekends builds up just the kind of inertia the courts need to feel justified in letting the kids stay with Mom. She can't "undo" what she's been up to, but it couldn't hurt to lay low till this thing gets through the courts.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Hugs to you for worrying about your sister! She needs to end this relationship with the married man. You, know that, I know that, but you can only hope she comes to her senses. You can not have happiness at someone else's expense.


TC

 

[Desnik]

Well, my sister isn't gay, just to clear that up. That's my MIL, but that's another story!!!LOL

My mother just told me that my sister has told the "other man" that she can't see him for awile. But, they still talk to eachother 3 or more times a day and he works where she does!

The thing that gets me is my BIL never said he would contest a custody agreement. My sister has asked for joint custody and wants the kids to have as much time with their father as possible. As soon as he saw how much child support he has to give, he started contesting everything. He's only concerned about how he's going to handle this financially, his exact words. This is a person who only cares about his money. He would rather have the kids with him so he doesn't have to give such a large amount to support them. I know it sounds horrible and unbelievable that a person could be like this. Trust me he is, he's been in the family for 17yrs. From day 1 my mother begged my sister not to be with him. My BIL has no verbal communication with his kids. They could all be in the same room and he'll be on the computer and never say a word to them. I don't think he is telling the kids anything bad about their mom, that would require him talking to them!

I completely understand what you all are saying. I have tried talking to my sis but it falls on deaf ears. What kills me is that her and I are extreemly close and I just feel like I don't even know her anymore. I didn't think she would jeapordize her kids lives like this.

 

[poohandwendy]

The thing that gets me is my BIL never said he would contest a custody agreement. My sister has asked for joint custody and wants the kids to have as much time with their father as possible. As soon as he saw how much child support he has to give, he started contesting everything. He's only concerned about how he's going to handle this financially, his exact words. This is a person who only cares about his money. He would rather have the kids with him so he doesn't have to give such a large amount to support them. I know it sounds horrible and unbelievable that a person could be like this.

Actually, I think it is quite common. Look at it this way, in his mind, he doesn't want a divorce doesn't want to lose the kids and everything. He certainly doesn't want to lose his family and pay your sister to do it. He sees it as fighting for his family. I know you all see it another way. I am not saying he is right, just trying to give perspective on why he may feel justified.

Think of it as if it were you. If your spouse was the one who wanted to break up the family...would you want to pay them to take away the kids and start a new life? That is probably how he sees it. Right or wrong.

Also, most people don't think they are bad at parenting, of course he feels the kids would be better off with him (especially if he is convinced that she is putting her personal life ahead of the kids). In spite of what you think of him, it is very likely that he loves them very much.

Just trying to throw out another angle on it. I am not siding with him, I don't know either of them.

 

[MosMom]

Unless things have changed, it is hard to take custody away from a mother. My mother was a raging alcoholic and I testified at the custody case of my little brother (my mother let me go willingly without a court battle) that she abused us and was passed out most of the time. I testified that I made sure my brother and I ate, not her. Even a sheriff testified that when he came to her house when I left, the house smelled like alcohol and she was visibly drunk. She *still* won that particular go around. My dad only ended up with custody after my mom gave it up willingly to go into rehabilitation.

It used to be VERY hard to get a child away from the mother. I just don't think it would happen over the things you mentioned BUT I would tell her to clean up her act big time. It could lead to something that would threaten her custody!

 

[poohandwendy]

Unless things have changed, it is hard to take custody away from a mother.

Things have changed quite a bit. Mothers are NOT guaranteed primary custody any longer. More and more courts are acknowledging fathers as capable and competent primary caregivers for their children. As mentioned by a previous poster, it really depends on the judge hearing the case.

 

[PrincessDeb]

I'd like to rephrase by saying it's very hard to change "status quo" in the present court environment. Sometimes you get an old fashioned judge who thinks the mother should have primary custody but most of them want to split the kids right down the middle. With your sister's current living arrangement, I can see this happening. The judge in my divorce basically understood that my ex was a do-nothing jerk but was not "bad enough". (There's even been abuse problems but not bad enough!) I have 50/50 custody and by that I mean that we each have about 182.5 days a year. Years after the divorce, I'm dealing with explaining to my son why my ex won't take him to baseball practice because it's on his night and it's incovenient for him (doesn't matter that I offer to trade nights). I've spent thousands fighting it for my son's welfare (he never wanted to live with Dad either) and it keeps getting left at status quo. I gave up on that 4 years ago. Probably one thing in your sister's favor is her work schedule. We both worked full time and it worked against me. It's always better if you can work it out yourselves. Just my two cents. Good luck!

 

[PrincessDeb]

As a side note, my husband and his ex went through lawyers but only for filing purposes. She is listed as having "primary custody" but he sees his kids almost half the time anyway. They have always put their children's welfare first and my stepchildren are very well-adjusted. It can be done (although probably not with your BIL from what you've said!).