For Motherless Daughters only...

[zakatak]

Today is the 12th anniversary of my Mom's death and I just want to vent to anyone that can understand.

I've managed to pretty much eliminate the following thoughts from my head, with the exception of Christmas, all year long except on this one day, March 18th. So today is my "Feel Sorry For Me" day.

My Mom was taken way too early from me because of her own mistakes (not following up with the Oncologist after her Breast Cancer surgery). On March 18th, 1992 after a "short" battle with bone cancer, my Mom died with only me in the hospital (and I was actually in the gift shop/restroom at the time). I say short because she never said a word to anyone, collapsed on March 1st, and even until she went into a coma she denied that it was terminal. So we never got that "last talk". I always thought she was going to get better. I was 23 and naive.

I had my first baby in 1996, second in 1998 and third in 2000. She was never there to cry with, to ooh and ahhh over with, to teach me things, to hold them, to smile at them, to be proud of them.

My Father (who was an alcoholic and estranged) died on Valentine's Day, 1998 and had seen my son once. I took care of his funeral arrangements, only my husband's family showed up.

So today I am feeling pretty sorry for myself, for today only. Then back to the real world. Things like: Do my kids look like anyone on my side of the family? (There is just me, no Grandparents, Aunts/Uncles, Cousins, etc...). Are they doing things that I used to do? Sharing school pictures with her, Grandparents day at school, Thanksgivings, Christmasses, Birthdays (my ds is turning 8 on Saturday) she will never have experienced. The really sad thing is that nobody aknowledges this day anymore. DH forgot. My kids did say something at breakfast only because I told them yesterday what today was. They call her "Your Mom" not Grammy or Gramma or anything like that... I just wish she could see them and be proud of me.

Thanks for listening. I know that only people in the same boat could understand how I feel.

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

I understand. May 17th will be 21 years since my Mom died, I was 15. I can't even list all of the things she missed/I missed by her passing away so early. She was only 43.

 

[dianeschlicht]

I understand completely! My mom passed away 12 years ago next month (4/23/92), also from a 4 year battle with breast cancer. I am an only child, so I am not over it yet either, and never really expect to be. We just lost my step mom last week. I can not imagine how hard this is for Dad to be going through it yet again. I was not close to my step mom, but she and Dad were married 9 years.

Never apologize for feeling the loss of a loved one. I am so sorry she didn't share her illness with you so you could have helped support her through it. Mine included us all along the way, and we were very grateful for that.

 

[CRB#33]

I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. And the same to the others here.

My mom let a lump in her breast go so long, it exploded at work one day.

When she died I was 3 months pregnant with her first grandchild one week before Mother's Day. This was 16 years ago. She was 45.

Time has definitely healed things for me also. But the anniversary of her death is still very difficult.

to you. Take care. Today and always.

 

[snoopy]

I'm motherless and fatherless, so I can feel your pain.

{{{zakatak}}}

 

[TimeforMe]

I, too, lost my mom to cancer--only she had pancreatic cancer and died 3 months to the day she was diagnosed. My son turned one a week before she died and my daughter was 2 1/2. To say I was devasted is an understatement. My dad had passed away 6 years prior so I was then left an orphan. Thank God I had my DH and 2 kids to get me through. I still miss her terribly and think about her everyday--she died in 1991 after just turning 60 years old. My dad was 53.

I know exactly what you mean about not being able to share things with them. I get so jealous when I see daughters with their moms being grandmas to their kids, etc.

Know that a piece of your mom lives on through your children even though they never met. I'm sure she would be very proud of you. Hang in there and let yourself grieve for her this day.

 

[4cruisin]

Originally posted by zakatak
. I just wish she could see them and be proud of me.

zakatak,

my mom passed away 3 years ago. She was my best friend, staunchest supporter and role model. I miss her every day but I try to remember that she can see me. I am spiritual and believe that she is somewhere without pain and suffering. There are days that I wish her back, but know that it is impossible. Just realize that you will have good days and bad days like today and it is ok to feel sorry for yourself and to be resentful that you, your mom and your kids all missed out on some wonderful times.

My dh is very supportive and loved my mom like she was his own, but men somehow do not have the same emotions as we do. The "mother-daughter" connection is absolutely the most wonderful and complex relationship and men just cannot relate to that.

I wish you peace and happy memories of your mom.

Nancy

 

[helenabear]

Karen... lost my mom over 10 years ago when I was only 16... I feel your pain...

to all those hurting

 

[Mimi Q]

 

[Mishetta]

I have learned to keep a box of kleenex next to my computer for these posts!

My Mom died of Bone Marrow Cancer 8 months ago. I don't think one day has gone by yet that I have not shed a tear. I too am an only child & although I have relatives (cousins) in the area, we do not really communicate. My Dad passed away when I was 8 y/o so it was just my Mom & I against world!

I am married to a wonderful man, have 2 beautiful children, but yet feel so very alone. I was 43 y/o when Mom passed away & we lived together for all but 3 months out of my life. I don't only feel I lost my Mom, I feel I lost part of myself.

My Mom got to see my children & I'm so grateful for that. My now 2 y/o DS will walk up to her picture & blow kisses at her, so for as young as he was when she passed away, he still remembers her. My 8 y/o DS will pick up a tube of my Mom's lipstick, hold it tight & then set it down gently. I have tried several times to go in her room to donate her clothes, etc.....but can't do it. I start to sob & have to leave & close the door behind me again. So we're all grieving in our own way & miss her so terribly.

Your post scares me because I noticed it's been 12 years for you....I would like to think that I won't feel this much pain in a year or two....I'm starting to wonder if this pain will ever diminish? I'm so very sorry for your loss, I can truly feel your pain.

 

[zakatak]

Thank you. It IS the aloneness that never goes away. That ONE person who held your heart, since the day you were born, is just not here anymore.

Thank you for sharing your stories. They help me see that I am not weird for feeling this way 12 years later.



This is going to be a long day as I've already given myself a huge "crying" headache.

 

[mom2boys]

It's been 23 yrs since I lost both of my parents at the age of 18. It was an auto accident so there was "preparation" - if you can prepare for the premature lose of a parent.
It is weird being older than your mother - by that I mean I am now 2 yrs older than she was when she died. I distinctly remeber a conversation with my mom when I was a teen. Something about her saving my little brother's crib for the grandchildren she hoped to have someday. At the time, I told her she'd have to get her grandchidren from my brothers because I wasn't having any kids. She would have loved those kids - and I sure could use her guidance with them. My youngest longs to hunt & fish - these were my father's favorite pasttimes. They would have been great buddies.

A couple of years ago, I mentioned to my boys that it was my mother's birthday. My youngest asked if she was having birthday cake in heaven. That small comment made me feel peaceful because it reminded me that she was at peace.

 

[Sandy V.]

Zakatak, I do understand, and I'm very sorry for your pain. I lost my father 34 years ago when I was 9, and my mother almost 14 years ago when I was 30. I'm also an only child, and I understand the feelings of sadness when you think about how your children will never get to experience a relationship with your parents.

I'm happily married with 2 teenagers, and we have a good relationship with my husband's parents, siblings, etc. But I still have my "moments" regarding the loss of my parents.

Bless you, and warmest wishes in getting through this difficult day.

 

[Lanshark]

I understand. I lost my Mom 29 years ago.

Have any of you read the book "Motherless Daughters" by
Hope Edelman

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...103-7242626-9216622?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

It helped.

These anniversaries are always difficult. I wish you Peace.

 

[believe]

Next Thursday will be the 3 month anniversary of my Mom's death. DD#1 is just now showing signs that she hasn't handled it as well as we thought she did. She is only 6 and seemed fine with everything happened. We talk her through it and she does better. I am fortunate to still have my Dad, 4 siblings and 11 nieces/nephews on my side of the family. We all have a down days and I am sure they will someday become further and further apart, but right now it is difficult. Hugs to everyone!

 

[Redmic]

Another adult orphan here. Lost my Dad before either of my children was born. He would have loved them so much.

My mother developed cancer when my youngest was barely 1 and died when she was 5. My youngest was a "surprise" baby and very much a nurturer - very affectionate, sunny, loving child. She sat and read, did crafts and other quiet things with her Grannie which they both loved. They had a special bond. In some ways I think of her as a special gift for my mother during her later (though not elderly) years. Both of my daughters still miss her. Every time something good happens in their lives there is a touch of sadness that my parents are not able to experience it with us.

 

[hmwnick]

I have been a motherless daughter for 6 years & 2 months ago I became a fatherless daughter too. I have never really gotten over my mother's death & am now very confused by my reaction to my dad's passing. I often feel guilty. I think I grieved more during his last days that I have since he has been gone. He missed my mom TERRIBLY & I think he was ready to join her in heaven. Hugs to all of you!

 

[Serena]

I lost my mom 11 years ago this May. I still feel the loss. She was such a big part of my life.
The pain does subside, so that you aren't crying every day. But it's still there in the background. I know my mom is at peace now. She was in pain for the last 3 years of her life, and part of me is very glad she isn't anymore.
She would have loved to see her grandaughters grow up.

{{{{hugs}}}}

 

[Robinrs]

The pain is unbearable and never ends.....

 

[Magix]

I just lost my mom to colorectal cancer two months ago. I think it's been a little easier for me than some of you because I still live at home, so I have my dad to go through this with. Also, my mom battled her cancer for 3 years, with her last battle (which we knew would be terminal) being a year and a half, so I guess there was time to prepare emotionally. It's still not easy, but dad and I seem to be getting through each day fairly well. There's nothing we can do to change this, so we may as well just keep living our lives as best we can. Although, we still haven't gone through mom's belongings - I suspect that will bring out a lot of emotions that we haven't been expressing so far. It's odd being without someone who's been there all your life...