For anyone who is divorced (or going through one): one sided or two sided?

[bumbershoot]

If you have been divorced (or are in the process), did you exhaust all options to save the marriage before deciding to divorce or was the divorce a one-sided decision made by one spouse only?

I always believed that when married people get a divorce they talk/fight about it, go to therapy, do a trial separation and THEN divorce. But I discovered that it is not like this sometimes. I want to know how many divorces were one-sided vs. two sided?

My mom's second husband refused to work out anything, refused to change anything, refused everything, and finally just filed the papers. He'd been copying all the laser discs onto VHS for a couple months anyway, no big surprise that he was leaving. But my mom tried and tried.

Just after he filed and disappeared, my mom's childhood sweetheart showed back up, relatively fresh from his own divorce, swept her off her feet, and they married the weekend after the divorce from first stepdad was final.

So it worked out well, but my mom certainly did NOT want that divorce for various reasons.

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

Well after finding out that my exh was having an affair with a woman who was renting our basement at the time month to month(we rented to her brother and she moved in not long after) - I kicked the brother sister combo out. I told exh to make a choice leave with her or stay and work things out. He choose to leave.

So he ended the marriage. I filed for divorce. He was so messed up by that point that he had no clue what was going on.

I stuck around for two years in hopes he would take an interest in his dd. But he did not. When it became clear that he did not want anything to do with dd and dd started to notice I moved dd and I to California. We were living in Virginia.

It was the best decision I have ever made. DD and I have a great life here with tons a family and new found friends. She is blossoming.

The next thing on my list is to start dating again - but I am very nervous about that!

 

[DisnyMama]

It started out as totally one-sided -- he was having an affair and wanted to leave for her. I was completely devastated and blind-sided, the total "the wife is the last to know" cliche. As I found out more about his infidelity, I wanted "out". I was tired of living in limbo and needed to put an end to it.

It was the most horrible experience of my life -- not something I'd wish on anyone.

We didn't try counseling because by then I felt there was nothing left to repair. Twenty-three years ended by one person's self-centered decisions.

Edie

My situation was pretty much the same. He fell for this new gal in the office. We had a five year old son so things were even more painful and complicated so eventhough my initial instinct was to tell him to pack up and get the heck out immediately I dug my heels in which when I first found out it was Dec.1995 and try everything in my power to try and make this marriage work. After almost 6 months of nothing on his part and me coming to the realization that there was nothing more that I could do and that I had done everything in "my" power to save our marriage it was time to save myself and I made a list: make an appt. with a lawyer to file for divorce, call the landlord and give our 30 days notice, tell the family what's happening, sit down with your son and hug him and be as honest as possible and let him know he is loved no matter what, then call the jerky ex- to be and tell him what I am doing! That was the most powerful phonecall I have ever made in my entire life. I think I heard him fall of his chair. Even though he wanted to be with this other woman he never thought I would have the courage to go out on my own.

 

[debbi801]

IMO, it was 2 sides. If you ask him, he would say it was 1 sided. He was horribly abusive, refused to get help, so I left. My kids were 1 and 3. He continued the same abusive patterns with his 2nd wife too.

I've been happily married now for 10 years and my kids 16 (17 in 3 weeks, eek!) and 14. They're happy and have grown up with healthy role models.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

My DH caught his first wife with his down on his luck best friend who he had let live with them after he was evicted from his own house. He tried to work it out with the wife, but she couldn't stay faithful so it was pretty one sided. My DH chose to leave, but he would have at the time liked to have stayed married. It worked out well for me as we've been together for 10 years. His wife married the best friend, and now they are divorcing as he caught her messing around as well.