Folks want me to bring niece and nephew on long car trip. Need advice!

[missypie]

My parents' 50th wedding anniversary is coming up. They want a small event at a restaurant in their town. Cast of characters/invitees: DH, me, our 3 kids, driving to Illinois from the Dallas area (12 hours if we hustle). Sister and her boyfriend, both live near parents, chronically poor. Sister's kids, 20 and 22, who live in Austin and are likewise chronically poor.

My parents have asked if we can give my niece and nephew a ride to their house. That means 7 passengers in a 7 passenger minivan, for 12 hours each way. We had planned to make a couple of sight seeing stops in Missouri on the way home. Giving them a ride would mean either skipping that or bring them along too, paying for their food, hotel, etc.

Call me incredibly selfish, but that long trip crowded in our van sounds terrible. Plus my DH will flip if we have to bring them. (No one in his family is chronically poor, so he's not very undertanding.) I had wanted to meander to and from Illinois, but extra passengers will eliminate that.

But my parents really want them there, which means that if they can't make it, it will be MY FAULT.

Do I just need to suck up the discomfort, and the wrath of DH and bring them, or just say no, or pay for their plane fare (probably can do it for about $500 total on Southwest). Nice DISers, what would you do?

 

[crz4mm2]

Since when are your neice and nephew your responsibility?
If your parents really want them there, let them pay for their way. Hard hearted, I know, but you DO deserve time with YOUR family and you have now planned to make this a vacation of sorts. Should not be your place to make sure the neice and nephew are there nor should it be your place to PAY their way.
I know how hard it will be for you to tell your folks no, but you should. You have to LIVE with your DH

 

[missypie]

I love you, crz44mm2! You understand. The last time DH absolutely yelled and threw a fit was 14 months ago when we were in the car after niece's HS graduation...the stress of being with this group just made him crack. (Niece is actually a lovely person; nephew and sister never say thank you for anything, are "entitled" etc.)

 

[clh2]

Just say "NO", and ditto everything crz4mm2 said.

 

[Serena]

I totally agree with what clh2 said.

 

[4greatboys]

If I was close to them then I would bring them with me. Stop where I wanted to and just pay for their stuff. You were considering paying for their airfare and I would think an extra night here or there would be less than $500.
If your not close to them, never hear from them or see them, just tell your parents you had other things planned as well and you just cant do it.
If your parents really want them to come up it would be a nice "gift" from you. Sorry to be the downer here, just offering a different pov.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

If you can't say absolutely no, what about a compromise. You drive them to the party then they fly home but somebody else pays (not you).

Or, show them a bus schedule.

 

[lulugirl]

Originally posted by clh2
Just say "NO", and ditto everything crz4mm2 said.

I also agree.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My opinion is that if your DH is absolutely against it (for good reason) then he wins. As someone else stated you LIVE with him.

 

[Cinders]

No way would I take them. I'm assuming you're DH is taking vacation days to attend the anniversary dinner already? No way would I expect my DH to waste vacation days to spend time with people he doesn't enjoy being around and expect him to pay for it on top of that. If you're not flying there yourself I wouldnt put out the money to fly the neice and nephew there. Even poor people need to take responsibilty for themselves.....no pay, no play. I think if your parents really want them there they contact the neice and nephew themselves and help them find a cheap way to IL. How about the train or bus? Or even a rental car if they do not own a car?

 

[KathyTX]

A seven passenger minivan, PLUS luggage for the trip? Would the whole gang even fit? And how would the "kids" get from Austin to North Texas?

Don't know where in IL your family is, but Greyhound lists round trips from Austin to Chicago for $172 per adult (or less, depending on the travel date), one ways for $79.

Could your parents maybe spring for their bus fare instead?

 

[ScarlettO]

I'd say there wasn't room for 7 plus luggage and leave it to someone else to drive these kids.

Do they own cars? Why can't grandparents pay for their gas and solve the problem?

 

[missypie]

I didn't check out the bus, but train fare for the two of them would only be about $120 less than plane fare, and they'd have to eat so many meals on the train that the trip would end up costing more. I emailed my folks last night. I asked what happened to my niece's car and suggested that we all chip in and help with gas. I even suggested that we split the plane fare 4 ways - my parents pay 1/4, my sister pays 1/4, I pay 1/4 and the kids pay 1/4. No response yet. I'll also be paying for the aniversary meal, flowers at church in their honor and for a nice gift.

This is reminding me of my wedding, which was held at my husband's church. I paid for my sister's bridemaid's dress, her shoes, her kids' new clothes and plane fare for the three of them plus her boyfriend. My parents paid for their hotel and food.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

missypie, I hate to say it, but there's such a thing as being too nice--it sounds like they expect you to pick up the slack here because you're jsut a nice person who doesn't want there to be trouble. You have the right to spend the travelling time just with your family, you have the right to a happy DH, it's not you're fault these people are "chronically poor" (what does that mean, anyway? Enough for the casino but not enough for the dentist? It always amazes me how some "poor" people have money for some things, but not others!) It sounds like your parents are trying to guilt you into takng care of the niece and nephew. It's not your problem. really.

I probably sound harsher than I mean to, but this sort of thing happens in my family all the time--DH and I are supposed to pick up the slack for relatives who make poor choices. I'm not in favor of leaving someone out on the street, but we flat out refuse to loan money or otherwise use our resources to make up for someone else's mistakes.

 

[tkd lisa]

That's been me in the past. I used to buy my neice's school clothes and all of their Santa Christmas. When I met my DH and he found out I was doing this, he pointed out what everyone has said here. They aren't my kids, and it's not my responsibility. Led to a couple major fights, but bottom line is DB saw me as a bank loan, which never needed to be paid. As long as I let it happen, that's my fault. Now it's stopped, so it's his problem, not mine.

Honestly, the family hurt feelings will pass relatively soon, and your DH's feeling will be there the rest of your marriage. Good luck, I hope it works out.

 

[missypie]

Just got an email from my dad (he's the more rational of the two parents) letting us off the hook. Nephew is not working, so he has lots of time and no money. Niece is working, so may not be able to get off for a long weekend. They'll drive if they can get away.

Although those kids have been economically disadvantaged growing up, in some ways I think that they are spoiled...if they wait around, someone will always buy them a plane ticket or give them a ride. When you think about it, at their age, it should seem more fun for the two of them to have a road trip with just the two of them (lots of loud music and fast food) than piling in their aunt's minivan with the little cousins.

But if they aren't there, I will still feel guilty.

 

[Morganpics]

You are not responsible for them. Your DH and kids are your first responsibility. I agree that perhaps your folks would spring for the funds if they want them to attend. They will never learn to stand on their own two feet as long as you are there to pick them up. Guilt is a powerful emotion. I have lots of it. I am trying to get over it, but it's REALLY hard. One step ahead, 3/4 backwards/sideways.