Finding birth parents

[delswife]

I don't know where to start. I have a friend at work who wants to locate his birth parents and asked me to help because he has no access to computers.

I thought maybe someone here could point me in the right direction.

I have the name and address of the agency he was adopted from. He found a baby picture of himself with a differant middle and last name than his own.

He is 25 years old now.

Any ideas?

 

[letfuller]

Having had someone locate my birth mother last year...

1) What State are you searching in? You may want to check State laws.

2) Where did he find this picture? Has he asked his adoptive parents if they have any information? That would be the best place to start.

3) Be sure to discuss the reasons for the wanting to find birth parents. There are some wonderful reunion stories, and then there are those that just don't work out well. I am one of the latter situations: but am okay, as I was not completely sure as to why I need to find my birth parents 30 some years later....

4) There are search sites for registering for locating lost family, etc... He perhaps could use a computer at the local library?


These are just some starter ideas. Best of luck with the search.


Linda

 

[delswife]

Thank you for your reply, Linda.

He told me he had asked his adopted parents about his birth parents and they simply told him some things are better left unknown.

He told me he is prepared for the worst, but he still needs to know.

I will let him know about the search sites for lost families. I guess I've been pretty spoiled, because I hadn't thought of the library for computer access.

I will look into the laws for the state he is from, I thought there could be laws sealing information, but I wasn't sure if that ended when the child reached 18.

Thanks again for the help. It gave me something to tell him. I haven't delt with adoption before so I had no clue.

 

[HauntedMansionGeek]

I was contacted by the agency I went through when I chose to give a baby up for adoption.

The girl/woman contacted them and they (the agency) had to get my permission before anyone could make any other kinds of moves. If I had said "no" those wishes would have been respected.

I would suggest your friend or you contact the agency. They would have the necessary information on how to make the attempt to contact the birth parent.

 

[Nutsy]

I wish him all the best..............

I found my birth mother 11 yrs ago.....reason being I wanted some medical history & I also needed to know who I looked like.

All went well for the first 5/6 yrs then it all went terribly wrong, she wanted me to be her. I never ever did fit the bit quite right & neeed to be me.

We are now not talking as I can no longer tolerate the hurt she has inflicted on my children & continues to do so when any contact is made.

It's sad & I dearly hope that others don't have to go through all the heartache I did.

 

[MelindaKiah]

I found my birth mother in '95. BAD situation that has left some serious scars. She wanted nothing to do with me...grudgingly gave me a family health history, then that was it. She was very scared of her past. We ended up being posted (we're military) to where I was born...a place I NEVER thought I'd end up (it's an airforce base here and hubby is army). I have had the worst year of my life living here. Two days after we moved in, my step-sister "located" me...she hadn't known about me when I first had contact with my birth mother. I learned my birth mother had died at the age of 46. Even though I didn't plan on meeting her in person, it still hurt because there were so many things left unsaid. Driving by the hospital I was born in was sheer torture. I had cars driving slowly by my house...relatives trying to catch even a glimpse of me. They wanted no contact...just being nosey. I basically curled up in a blanket and went into a severe depression. I'm only just now coming out of it.

I wish your friend luck. And hope it goes much better than it did for me.

 

[aprilgail2]

I found my birth mom years ago and it was a great experience...I found out I have a sister (I always wanted a sister!) and 2 borthers. I see my sister a few times a year and she had a baby 18 months before I had mine so they are great friends. My birthmom lives in AL so I don't see her all that much but we have contact all year round.
I wrote to the state for my non identifing information. Then I wrote away for the long form of my birth certificate so I knew what hospital I was born in....I wrote to that hospital asking for my birth records, I got a form a letter saying they couldn't release that info since it was an adoption BUT on the bottom, someone (must have been an adoptee LOL) wrote "you might be interested to know your mothers name was (first and last name). SO....in NY they have a record of everyones birth in the main libraray in the city...I knew her age within a year so I searched through all the birth records until I found hers...so now I had a name and date of birth..I contacted this website that was called asksherlock (not sure if it is still there or not) and with the name and date of birth I got everything about her, last 3 jobs she works, addresses she lived at, if she owned any motor vechicles, current address and phone number.....sounds simple but it took years of waiting for replies and researching to get it done!

 

[Buckleybunch]

My husbands boss just located her birth parents. She has been up to visit them several times. She gets a long really good with her one brother, but has some really hard times with her parents- exps. her bio. dad.. ( just things he has said).

 

[HauntedMansionGeek]

I think sometimes the reason it doesn't go well with the birth parents is because the reasoning behind the adoption in the first place.

I was young and had no desire or ability to BE a parent. When I gave the child up for adoption, I emotionally cut ties with her.
Note that I still sound very distant and unattatched when talking about this baby.

Giving up a baby means to ME, giving your heart to the NEW family........allowing them to physically BE the parents forEVER, not just until the child is 21 years old.

When the woman found me, I was unable (possibly unwilling, yes) to form the attachment necessary to have a long lasting relationship with her. Not meant to hurt her, but truth be told, she WAS looking for more than I could give her.
She was looking for a second family, or it seemed that way to me.

She's a lovely young woman and while it was fun and interesting to meet her, there just isn't a "family" connection for us like you see on the soap operas.
Some of the difficulty/conflict has come from the guilt that other people try to heap on the birth parents....


I must say that hearing her voice, seeing her face and finding out how many things we have in common was a total riot! LOL

But please keep in mind, the fact that your birth parent might not want to meet you is because adoption is meant to be a life-long event. (which means in a way, out of sight, out of mind)

I hope all goes well for this young man....

 

[aprilgail2]

My feeling as an adoptee is that I have the RIGHT to know what medical conditions etc run in my family.....I was so adamant about that that I would not even have a child until I found out more about my medical background. The little bit they put in your file when you are adopted is a joke...there should have to be medical updates given by the birth parent for the rest of your life (even if it is though the agency), not just 2 lines writen down when you birth mom was 19 and had no medical troubles! I should be able to know from where I came, not even to form a lifelong bond, but just to know. The feelings of some adoptees not knowing where they came from, never fitting in with their adopted familys and just a general feeling of rejection is a tough thing.

 

[mamajoan]

suffice it to say I have a great deal of experience in this area... also I have to say ....... it has been the best thing that EVER happened in my life!


ok.. here ya go.....

1. Have him sit down with his parents again. He has every right to know who his birthparents are..... his adoptive parents are the best answer to this ? as they sound like they have some of the info he needs to start his search. if they still refuse..... start with #2

2. Have him contact a local state adoption agency. It does not matter if it was HIS agency. Any state social worker there will give him the info he needs to begin a search in your state. There are states such as Illinois, where you can fill out forms that go into a database.... so that if birthparents are looking for him.. bingo! the information is brought together! YAY!!! These forms will go from general to intricate information.. everything from health to siblings to contact information. You can fill out as little or as much as you like.
Because he is 25, he should be able to open his original file.. if the adoptive parents will give him the name of the system they utilized. However, birthparents name may NOT be in there if they wished to keep it unknown at the time of adoption. However, they may have changed their minds and contacted the agency and placed letters in his file for him to have when he chose to open the file.

If he would like to know about a successful birthparent/adoptive family reunion he may contact me. I would be happy to tell him my joyous story.
Joan

 

[delswife]

Thank you for all your responces, it has been a big help.

I will be printing this out to give to him tommorrow.

I did find out the agency is still operating, so that will be a big help.

((Hugs)) to all of you and thank you all for sharing.

 

[Melora]

I found my birthparents over 10 years ago. My father was SO happy as he never wanted to release me in the first place. My mothers family made him sign papers because he was 21 and she my mom was underage and back in the 60's that held some severe penalties. He said he looked for me many times, even went to the adoption agency and left his name. When I went to the same adoption agency they said no one ever came looking.... I hired a private investigater to find my birthparents....He and I have had a wonderful relationship ever since we got together.


My mother on the other hand.....
The first time we talked on the phone she cried. Then she put up the wall and said I was the worst mistake of her life and she never wanted to see me again. I gave her space and a little while later I sent her some pictures of my kids and told her I understood and didnt want anything from her. I told her it would be nice to meet in person just once and she wrote me the nastiest letter I have ever gotten. She said she didnt want to see my kids and if I wanted to see her after she said she didnt want to see me, then I obviously was emotionally ill and needed a psychologist.

I have since stayed sadly away.

We had a weird thing happen though. My half-sister from my father met my half-brother from my mother (I did make positive contact with him and he was very happy to have another sister). When these 2 met (they are not related by blood in anyway!) they had an encounter that left me having a full neice from my 2 half siblings...

So now my blood mother shares a grandchild with my blood father.... its come full circle and they see each other from time to time. I do not go to my neices birthday parties because I do want to upset my mother.

Its a strange weird situation that is hard to explain without it sounding like a Jerry Springer show... but in reality, there is no family "get together" going on. Im just the wild card in the lot. It would be like one of my kids marrying one my step kids, except my brother and my sister were never step siblings....

OK..now you all know what a sorted life I live!

 

[mamajoan]

Melora...... I am so sorry that your birthmom is so odd. She must have had a very bad experience to have this need to stay away from you.

I wish you could have had what my dd and I had when we were reunited..... it is the best thing ever to happen in our lives and we are forever linked to one another.

Birthmom's get a bad rap. It is my experience that Birthmom's give their infant to another set of parents out of love. Love for the child, to give that child what she could not do at that time.
It is a horridly difficult decision for most. It is true that guilt becomes a burden.
I wish you joy and happiness. Enjoy the family that you have come to know!

 

[wuv tigger]

What an interesting time this must be for him.

My dh & I are the adoptive parents to 2 dd's.

It's interesting to read all of the stories. Our girls are still little but we have saved ALL the info our agency has given us. It will be given to the girls later.

What a gift ANY birthmom gives to her child & to the adoptive family. What SACRIFICE she makes! What LOVE/CONCERN she has for her little one in making an adoption plan.

We have the utmost admiration for both of the birthmom's. They are very courageous!

Judy

 

[FRANTIC FROG]

I have found this thread really interesting.
I am the mother of 2 boys whom we adopted 3 years ago. They are now 8 and 6 years old.
I am from UK and there are very few babies going up for adoption these days.
The majority of children in the system have been removed from the birth mother, rather than " given up".
We have an awful lot of information and a very thick file history for the boys to look at when they are ready to.
My sons' mother has 5 children none of which still live with her and my boys have none or very little memory of them which is really sad but to ensure their safety, it must remain this way until adulthood.
I personally dread the day they come to me and declare that they wish to meet their birth mother. It may not happen, they may not like what they find out, but it is up to me and their father to support them all the way.I don't dread them meeting her out of jealousy, I just don't want them to be hurt anymore. She has already given them the worse possible start in life and was very unwilling to reveal any medical history, We know nothing about their fathers', and so just have to hope and pray that they lead a healthy life.
Lin xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[goofygirl]

I'd like to recommend a site: www.rootsweb.com
It really helps if you know person's name and approximate age.

Its a free search and really good for finding lost relatives, I found some cousins on there, plus my birth father I found out he is deceased so I have no "reunion stories" , but I am glad I found out the info, it did bring some closure for me. I wasn't looking to reunite, I just wanted some answers to some questions I had.

 

[chager]

My grandmother was adopted at 18mo. She wasn't told until she was 18yrs. and it was very hard for her to accept. About 15 years ago we started searching for her birth family. She was the youngest of 5 children that were adopted out seperately. We learned that her brother lived just a few houses away for a couple years but was not allowed to tell her who he was . We learned both her parents had passed away but her uncle had never stopped looking for her. (She was the only child they hadn't found) We have a great video of everyone together with the exception of the oldest sister who went missing again. Granted everyone was in their 50-60's, but they still acted like a bunch of kids...lol. Check out adoption.com it is good site for all things having to do with adoption.

 

[aprilgail2]

Originally posted by chager
My grandmother was adopted at 18mo. She wasn't told until she was 18yrs. and it was very hard for her to accept.

I had done a lot of thinking about this when I was younger...my parents told me since I was old enough to understand that i was adopted....I would have been extremelly angry if that had suddenly popped that on me after all those years instead of telling me right from the start!

 

[Mary Ellen]

The RootsWeb site already mentioned is one possibility, but another genealogy web site has more info for locating birth parents/children. Try Cyndi's List Adoption Links