Fiance left me for my closest friend

[hurt]

I apologize for posting this anonymously but I know a number of people on the boards and to be honest I just do not want this connected with my username. If you are reading this and figure out who I am, I would really appreciate if you kept it to yourself! Mods, if this is inappropriate please let me know and I will delete the account. I could just really use some objective advice. Thanks.

Basically, my fiance broke up with me about a month ago. We did not have a wedding date set or invitations mailed (thank goodness), we were just in the stage of starting to research venues and talk about timing, etc. We are both young and did not want to rush anything. We had been together two years and engaged for two months. My fiance really gave no details when he told me he didn't want to be together, just that his feelings had changed and he was sorry.

We had been friends for years before we started dating and have a very, very close circle of friends through church. About a week ago, my best girlfriend (a mutual friend of ours) called me and asked if we could go out for coffee. She was terribly anxious and essentially told me that she has had feelings for my ex-Fiance for some time now and he feels the same way about her. She said she felt awful about it and would not pursue the relationship without my blessing, apologizing over and over. She was there through the entire breakup and saw how hurt I was and has honestly been a wonderful friend to me.

I did not want to put her in the position of choosing between us or hurting our friendship because she means the world to me, so I told her I was okay with it. I did let her know it would be hard for me and I would need some time to get used to it, but that was it. The more time passes though, the more I am feeling hurt. Not only did my Fiance not want me, he wanted my best friend instead of me. There are so many questions running through my mind like... when did he start having feelings for her instead of me? What does he see in her that I didn't have? Could I have done anything differently? What's wrong with me?

I know she can't help her feelings but it's really hard not to be upset with her. She saw how heartbroken I was. I know if I asked her to stop seeing him she would, but I don't feel right forcing her to make a decision like that.

I saw my whole life ahead of me with him, and now not only is that gone and I have to start from scratch... I have to watch him rebuild his life with her. Imagining them with married with a family literally makes me feel sick to my stomach. I keep thinking... that was supposed to be me. That was my dream.

They are both wonderful, kind hearted people and I don't want to lose my closest circle of friends, but I don't know what to do. I feel like my heart will never heal seeing them together so often and knowing that he chose her over me. I feel like my whole life has been shattered- I don't have a Fiance anymore and I'm feeling like I've lost my best friend too.

I've honestly never felt so alone before. I don't know what to do or how to move on. All advice/opinions are appreciated. TIA.

 

[EeyoreEma]

I don't know that I really have any good advice, but know that I'll say a prayer for you. I know that has to feel incredibly hurtful. And while it's most likely not what you want to hear, it's better to have found out now than later on. You will find someone that you will love and that will love you, and you won't be able to imagine life without them. Take all the time away from your friend that you need to.

 

[kwelch10377]

I think the only thing I can say is that you have to give yourself time, take it day by day right now. I would distance yourself from this friend for now because seeing her will only make everything harder. In time you might be able to slowly bring her back into your life, but it will never be the same as before. Maybe you can take this time to focus on friendship with others that are in the circle of friends that you are in.

I just had to end a 10 year friendship with a friend of mine and it really hurts. We didn't want it to end, but we felt we didn't really have a choice (very long story) right now. I know it will take time to move on and it will for you as well.

You said you were involved with a church, maybe you can talk to your pastor and he may be able to offer you some advice on how to deal with this.

 

[kirbsam]

i know this will sound harsh, but you need to suck it up and move on.

 

[Mommy2cody]

I am a firm believer of the old saying everything happens for a reason. I am so sorry you are hurting and I truly know how bad it hurts. It will take time, but it WILL get better. Not only will you have that life you dreamed of but it will be with the right person!! Take time for yourself right now. Get yourself through this and move forward! You WILL find love and happiness again!!

 

[scrapquitler]

I'm sorry, I can't imagine how this must feel, but I think that if it were me, I would be heartbroken and really angry at the same time.

I think that you really don't have any choice but to move on, Maybe the best thing to do is take a few steps back and give yourself a little distance from your friend for a little bit, take some time to deal with it and then maybe rebuild your friendship with her. But maybe that won't ever happen...you might not ever trust her again, but maybe you will, only time will tell. In the meantime, don't burn any bridges with her, but tell her you need some space.

Then go out and do something nice for yourself to take your mind of this and give you something else to think about.

 

[hurt]

Thanks, everyone.

I guess this really is something I need to just move on from rather than something I can fix. I'm just terrified of being alone and feel like my whole life is off track now. I don't want to give a guy that kind of power over me, so I'm working on it but it's hard.

I do appreciate the prayers and thank you kwelch, I will try to spend more time with others in our group of friends and develop better relationships.

I know I might sound whiny but it really is helpful just to get this out, so thank you so much for just letting me vent.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I apologize for posting this anonymously but I know a number of people on the boards and to be honest I just do not want this connected with my username. If you are reading this and figure out who I am, I would really appreciate if you kept it to yourself! Mods, if this is inappropriate please let me know and I will delete the account. I could just really use some objective advice. Thanks.

Basically, my fiance broke up with me about a month ago. We did not have a wedding date set or invitations mailed (thank goodness), we were just in the stage of starting to research venues and talk about timing, etc. We are both young and did not want to rush anything. We had been together two years and engaged for two months. My fiance really gave no details when he told me he didn't want to be together, just that his feelings had changed and he was sorry.

We had been friends for years before we started dating and have a very, very close circle of friends through church. About a week ago, my best girlfriend (a mutual friend of ours) called me and asked if we could go out for coffee. She was terribly anxious and essentially told me that she has had feelings for my ex-Fiance for some time now and he feels the same way about her. She said she felt awful about it and would not pursue the relationship without my blessing, apologizing over and over. She was there through the entire breakup and saw how hurt I was and has honestly been a wonderful friend to me.

I did not want to put her in the position of choosing between us or hurting our friendship because she means the world to me, so I told her I was okay with it. I did let her know it would be hard for me and I would need some time to get used to it, but that was it. The more time passes though, the more I am feeling hurt. Not only did my Fiance not want me, he wanted my best friend instead of me. There are so many questions running through my mind like... when did he start having feelings for her instead of me? What does he see in her that I didn't have? Could I have done anything differently? What's wrong with me?

I know she can't help her feelings but it's really hard not to be upset with her. She saw how heartbroken I was. I know if I asked her to stop seeing him she would, but I don't feel right forcing her to make a decision like that.

I saw my whole life ahead of me with him, and now not only is that gone and I have to start from scratch... I have to watch him rebuild his life with her. Imagining them with married with a family literally makes me feel sick to my stomach. I keep thinking... that was supposed to be me. That was my dream.

They are both wonderful, kind hearted people and I don't want to lose my closest circle of friends, but I don't know what to do. I feel like my heart will never heal seeing them together so often and knowing that he chose her over me. I feel like my whole life has been shattered- I don't have a Fiance anymore and I'm feeling like I've lost my best friend too.

I've honestly never felt so alone before. I don't know what to do or how to move on. All advice/opinions are appreciated. TIA.

It is a horrible situation and it will take some time to get over. Move forward and do not look back, he is not the one for you. Leave them to be together, it may or may not work out for them. I'm sorry to say that your friendships with them are unlikely to last, but that is okay also. Take good care of yourself and hold your head high. It's not that she has anything over you, the heart is a tricky thing and just can't be explained sometimes. You are much better off that this happened now instead of later because it would have happened somewhere down the line if they were already having these feelings.

 

[mamajoan]

I apologize for posting this anonymously but I know a number of people on the boards and to be honest I just do not want this connected with my username. If you are reading this and figure out who I am, I would really appreciate if you kept it to yourself! Mods, if this is inappropriate please let me know and I will delete the account. I could just really use some objective advice. Thanks.

Basically, my fiance broke up with me about a month ago. We did not have a wedding date set or invitations mailed (thank goodness), we were just in the stage of starting to research venues and talk about timing, etc. We are both young and did not want to rush anything. We had been together two years and engaged for two months. My fiance really gave no details when he told me he didn't want to be together, just that his feelings had changed and he was sorry.

We had been friends for years before we started dating and have a very, very close circle of friends through church. About a week ago, my best girlfriend (a mutual friend of ours) called me and asked if we could go out for coffee. She was terribly anxious and essentially told me that she has had feelings for my ex-Fiance for some time now and he feels the same way about her. She said she felt awful about it and would not pursue the relationship without my blessing, apologizing over and over. She was there through the entire breakup and saw how hurt I was and has honestly been a wonderful friend to me.

I did not want to put her in the position of choosing between us or hurting our friendship because she means the world to me, so I told her I was okay with it. I did let her know it would be hard for me and I would need some time to get used to it, but that was it. The more time passes though, the more I am feeling hurt. Not only did my Fiance not want me, he wanted my best friend instead of me. There are so many questions running through my mind like... when did he start having feelings for her instead of me? What does he see in her that I didn't have? Could I have done anything differently? What's wrong with me?
I know she can't help her feelings but it's really hard not to be upset with her. She saw how heartbroken I was. I know if I asked her to stop seeing him she would, but I don't feel right forcing her to make a decision like that.

I saw my whole life ahead of me with him, and now not only is that gone and I have to start from scratch... I have to watch him rebuild his life with her. Imagining them with married with a family literally makes me feel sick to my stomach. I keep thinking... that was supposed to be me. That was my dream.

They are both wonderful, kind hearted people and I don't want to lose my closest circle of friends, but I don't know what to do. I feel like my heart will never heal seeing them together so often and knowing that he chose her over me. I feel like my whole life has been shattered- I don't have a Fiance anymore and I'm feeling like I've lost my best friend too.

I've honestly never felt so alone before. I don't know what to do or how to move on. All advice/opinions are appreciated. TIA.

I am sorry that you are going thru this situation. I think that you have handled the situation very well and with much grace.

I bolded part of your post, because I think that you would be asking yourself those exact same questions no matter who your fiance began dating.

You feel betrayed and let down... and you are going thru a grieving process.
Have you gotten angry yet?
Talking to a professional might help ease your pain and help you move forward.
I wish you the best in working thru everything.

 

[kwelch10377]

Thanks, everyone.

I guess this really is something I need to just move on from rather than something I can fix. I'm just terrified of being alone and feel like my whole life is off track now. I don't want to give a guy that kind of power over me, so I'm working on it but it's hard.

I do appreciate the prayers and thank you kwelch, I will try to spend more time with others in our group of friends and develop better relationships.

I know I might sound whiny but it really is helpful just to get this out, so thank you so much for just letting me vent.

No problem and you aren't being whiney. Your feelings are totally justified. Hang in there

 

[Hannathy]

I think the only thing I can say is that you have to give yourself time, take it day by day right now. I would distance yourself from this friend for now because seeing her will only make everything harder. In time you might be able to slowly bring her back into your life, but it will never be the same as before. Maybe you can take this time to focus on friendship with others that are in the circle of friends that you are in.

I agree with this. Stay away from them. and don't be so sure she would break up with him. A similar thing happened to my DD and her best friend and a guy. They weren't engaged so not quite as serious but she said the same thing to my DD that if she said no she wouldn't go out with him and my DD said no and she still went out with him. needless to say a 10 yr friendship was lost and it was almost a yr until my DD and this girl even said a word to each other and that literally was it hello.-and the best part was they broke up as my DD said they would since she knew both of them.

All I can say to you is I am so sorry you are hurting as badly as you are. It hurts and it will hurt for a long time. Don't think you have to bounce right back and go with that group. Try to find a different group of people you can go out with. and keep talking about it and your hurt. It is very therapeutic to say it over and over it helps us heal. as another poster said after you can't cry anymore get angry! you need to get angry at them for hurting you before you can push it aside enough to move forward.


Now this is important get in your car or if you live alone that is ok to and Put the Jesse James song "I Look So Good Without You" on very loud and sing along with it several times!!!! and then start believing the lyrics! and whenever you get down on yourself do it again. watch the video on u tube also. It is a great song post break up and wonderful confidence builder.

sometimes life just sucks and I hope you feel a bit better soon.

 

[kristilew]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

This may not be the advice you want to hear, but I think you need to look for a new church and make a new circle of friends. Without getting into the religious side of things on these boards, the whole idea of a group of friends who are close through church should include some accountabliity among the group. I find it hard to believe that nobody in the group picked up on what was going on, or that there was no secret keeping from you at some point either before or after the break up. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Also, you say you are both young. To rollercoaster from asking you to marry him to breaking up in two months shows an incredible lack of maturity on your ex's part. It implies he did the asking while he had doubts. Perhaps he was caught up in the idea of marriage, perhaps he felt pressure from you or the group to make things official, or perhaps he's just not as nice as you think he is.

Whatever the reason, he has acted like a child, changing his mind about what flavor of ice cream he wants, not like a mature man ready to make a lifetime commitment. I don't think you need to spend a lot of angst on what is wrong with you.

And while I'm on that particular soapbox, your "best friend" is just trying to make herself feel better here. A good person who realizes that she has feelings for someone else's fiance removes herself from the situation, period. She doesn't steal the fiance and then hope an apology makes everything all better. Maybe she is sorry that you got hurt while she was getting exactly what she wanted, but that didn't stop her from taking it.

So, I agree with others that you need to move on. From the situation, from this group, if you're young enough to pick up and go, then maybe even from wherever you live. Give yourself a fresh start and a chance to heal and grow into whatever good things life has in store for you.

 

[dislaney]

As hard as it might be right now someday you will see that this was for the best. :hug

I would try not to focus on why he wanted her instead of you - I don't know that is going to help you at all, instead -I would try and stay busy and spend time with your other friends for now.

 

[EMom]

This is one of those gifts that doesn't seem like a gift at all. But it is.

God forbid you had married him and he'd shown his true colors after you'd had a child or two. Think of the path of destruction that would have left behind! I know you're hurting in the worst way and you deserve to. Two people you trusted the most treated you like crap. But they're both slime because anyone with an ounce of decency would not take up with their best friend's ex-fiance right after the breakup. Any fool knows that's a big no-no. I don't think either of them are that moral. No, they are self-absorbed.

Good riddance to bad rubbish!

Easy for me to say, right? Nope....I went through something similar years ago. In hindsight, it was a blessing. Seriously.

Be prepared to have to leave your circle of friends. If those two get all lovey when the group is together, it may be more than you can take. You may need to walk away. If they were considerate, they'd walk away, but I bet they won't. Hide and watch.

Sorry this happened.

 

[*Meagan*]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

This may not be the advice you want to hear, but I think you need to look for a new church and make a new circle of friends. Without getting into the religious side of things on these boards, the whole idea of a group of friends who are close through church should include some accountabliity among the group. I find it hard to believe that nobody in the group picked up on what was going on, or that there was no secret keeping from you at some point either before or after the break up. With friends like that, who needs enemies?



And while I'm on that particular soapbox, your "best friend" is just trying to make herself feel better here. A good person who realizes that she has feelings for someone else's fiance removes herself from the situation, period. She doesn't steal the fiance and then hope an apology makes everything all better. Maybe she is sorry that you got hurt while she was getting exactly what she wanted, but that didn't stop her from taking it.

So, I agree with others that you need to move on. From the situation, from this group, if you're young enough to pick up and go, then maybe even from wherever you live. Give yourself a fresh start and a chance to heal and grow into whatever good things life has in store for you.

I agree...hands down...100%.

My best friend would never EVER get in between my now husband and I. Im sorry that is not a good friend. Someone that does that is no friend to anyone.

Keep your head up!

 

[Handbag Lady]

I would be hurting too if I were in your shoes.

At least they had the grace to let you know before you found out. Believe it or not, be happy it happened the way it did.

You can still trust other men and women in your life. Move on, as hard as it sounds, and be happy with yourself.

He wasn't the right one for you and you'll find him. It is just going to hurt for a while, but I promise you, the pain goes away. It certainly doesn't feel that way no, so let's get a picture of him and play darts! You're gonna wash that man right out of your hair.

 

[Imzadi]

You should be thanking your lucky stars AND ex-fiance that the timing happened in the way it has. Instead of thinking that he chose your BF over you, it's obvious the ultimate, right fit wasn't there between you two. He's not the ONE for you. (It may not be with her either, so quit beating yourself up over that and comparing yourself to her. Ex-Fi may find his right fit is with woman number 3 or 4 or 5.) But, it's not with you.

Since they have feelings for each other, and she spent a lot of time with both of you, their feelings would have happened eventually. Because, again, you aren't the one. That ex-fiance was honest enough with himself NOW, to end things early, rather than later when you both were married or had kids, is a blessing.

Look at Prince Charles, Diana & Camilla. Charles tried to do the right thing for protocol, country & crown. But, he was meant for Camilla. Diana drove herself crazy, became bulimic asking all the same questions you are asking as to why it wasn't her. The truth was, it had nothing to do with her. It wasn't personal.

When the fit isn't there, it just isn't. Time to let them both go, find a new circle of friends, heal and move on. Your right soul mate is still out there wondering where you are.

 

[arbolita]

I did not want to put her in the position of choosing between us or hurting our friendship

She's the one who put herself in that position. Quite honestly, I would distance yourself as far from the two of them as possible, at least for the time being. It's never easy to "get over" a broken engagement, and it's only going to be that much harder when their relationship is being flaunted in front of you, whether it's intentional or not.

I'm really sorry you're experiencing this; please make sure you find someone you can talk to and confide in about your feelings, whether it's someone you know in person or continuing to talk here on the boards.

 

[palavra]

She's the one who put herself in that position, regardless of what you would have said. Quite honestly, I would distance yourself as far from the two of them as possible, at least for the time being. It's never easy to "get over" a broken engagement, and it's only going to be that much harder when their relationship is being flaunted in front of you, whether it's intentional or not.

I'm really sorry you're experiencing this; please make sure you find someone you can talk to and confide in about your feelings, whether it's someone you know in person or continuing to talk here on the boards.

I agree with this. Something similar happened to me in college. Although we weren't engaged yet, I had pretty much done what you did. I planned ou my life with the guy, and then he broke up with me for my college roommate. My roommate and I were also very good friends and hung out in the same circles.

I also agree with those that said that one day, you will be thankful that this relationship ended. And, kee dreaming! As you said, you are young. The right person will eventually come along and stick around

 

[Carly_Roach]

Look at Prince Charles, Diana & Camilla. Charles tried to do the right thing for protocol, country & crown. But, he was meant for Camilla. Diana drove herself crazy, became bulimic asking all the same questions you are asking as to why it wasn't her. The truth was, it had nothing to do with her. It wasn't personal.

When the fit isn't there, it just isn't. Time to let them both go, find a new circle of friends, heal and move on. Your right soul mate is still out there wondering where you are.

This has happened to me twice in my life. The first time it happened, my friend and my ex-BF broke up about a year after he left me to get together with her.

The second time it happened to me, my friend and BF are still married after 15 years.

Both times it hurt like hell, but now that I'm older I can look back at those times and realize that those were when I experienced the greatest growth periods of my life. You sure couldn't convince me that it was for the best when it happened, but after 20 or so years I now realize that it WAS for the best.

I'm a phenominal person now - perhaps I wouldn't be this phenominal person if I hadn't gone through that heartache and pain. OR perhaps I'd be experiencing it now, later in life, rather than getting it out of the way before I'd had years, and perhaps children, invested with the wrong man.

I will tell you this: in both cases my relationship with my girlfriends ended. I tried keeping up a relationship with the girl from the first time, but I found I couldn't stand listening to her talk about my ex-bf. It wasn't her fault; girls naturally talk about the guys they're dating. She wasn't rubbing my face in it, but part of that trust piece of our relationship was strained because she couldn't discuss her current relationship with me without hurting me.

The second friend I just broke it off because I'd learned from the first friend that it would never work. Could we be friends now? Maybe. I don't know. We've obviously grown in different directions because she became a wife and mother with my ex and, while I wish them well, there may always be a part of me that wonders if she's got what would have been my life if I'd stayed with that guy.

Of course, a rift might also be there because while she was having babies and going through all her time being devoted to them and her DH, I was out dating, eventually getting married myself, and living my life as part of a couple who still have time, still have money, still have stamina and can drop whatever we're doing to spend the weekend off by ourselves anytime we want.

It all works out for the best, OP. I know it doesn't feel like that now, but hopefully you'll look back at this point in your life and realize that this is when you took the fork in the road toward something better.