Fellow Dis'ers I need parenting advice!!!(Long)

[aunt lissa]

My DS-5 is telling all sorts of lies!! I don't know what to do and how to stop it. They started out w/ little lies the usual "I didn't do it" but then escalated into him biting his arm and blaming my nephew for it when I know in fact my nephew didn't do it because he was sitting at the table. Then when he came back from visiting his father he started saying that his step-mom punched him in the stomach. Well of course I was upset hearing such a thing and called his father immediatley, he spoke w/ her and is convinced it isn't true. Then the other day he told me he stayed up until midnight drinking beer w/ his dad once!! I don't believe this at all since I know his father doesn't drink. Yesterday he hit my nephew, 2 other kids said that he did, and he lied to me and insisted that my nephew only fell. Well after I had sent him to his room for hitting he decided to tell me the truth. So I of course then punished him for telling me a lie. I have tried talking to him and telling him that if he tells the truth he won't get in "as much" trouble but that there will still be consequences. I've tried punishing him, reasoning w/ him, and taking his priveleges away. Nothing seems to work. I'm at a loss!! Any ideas on how to handle him telling lies?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I was watching Dr Phil the other day and his advice for lying was to treat it like any other "bad" behavior, meaning lying should have consequences (same punishment, consistent).
Made sense to me.

 

[DisneyJules]

I saw that show too, sounds like good advice. He definitely needs to get the message loud and clear that it's unacceptible.

 

[cgcw]

I just started having this type of an issue with 2 of my daycare kids.....a little girl 4 1/2 and a boy just turned 4. When the little boy came to my daycare in October, he had no problem whatsoever telling a lie. Now, it's rubbed off on the little girl. It's over the silliest little things -- like who didn't throw their paper towel in the garbage and needs to go back and do it. The other day, the little girl said, I didn't do it when I know she was the one in the bathroom. When I asked her Mom if this has been happening at home, Mom said it's started there too. It's never big lies, just things that she doesn't want to admit to. I've tried telling her it's okay, there will be no consequences for silly little things like that, but when she doesn't tell me the truth, that's another story.

A daycare provider friend of mine just suggested this afternoon to me that when I know she isn't telling the truth, to ask her if she "just did it a little" and see what happens. I'm going to give it a try.

 

[aunt lissa]

I watched the Dr. Phil show as well...but punishment doesn't seem to work w/ him. And these aren't just little lies, I mean saying he was drinking beer w/ his father!!! Or that his cousin bit him when he didn't. I mean am I over reacting?!?!

 

[DisneyJules]

Oh, you are definitely not overreacting. That is frusturating. Do you follow through with your punishments? If they're just threats, he'll continue lying because he knows he can get away with it. Find something he enjoys doing and take that priviledge away if he's caught lying, and stick to it.

 

[Robinrs]

Punishing and reactions to the lie are attention, and it looks like he wants that attention, no matter how negative. It also sounds like some pent up anger.

Punishment works if it's the right punishment, the one that restricts something he REALLY wants or covets. And it must be consistent or it won't work, no matter how hard you try.

Sometimes with kids we have to find out the source of the problem and work from there. Children are so complex and they feel so deeply but don't know how to react to that feeling. I wish you luck with this, but remember, with a face like that, he can't be THAT bad!

 

[MAGICinMYHEART]

I would make a point of having him repeat the lie in front of his Father...and after he confessed about his nephew I would make him go to the nephew ( and the two friends) and apologise and say he was lying, same treatment with the Step-mother. He will know...that he is saying false things about them, also he will know they know. Tell him people will not like someone who lies.

 

[Alex]

I agree with Robin, there is always SOME punishment that works, you just need to find out what it is....

 

[aunt lissa]

Well I take away his electronics priveleges...the playstation, computer, gameboy, etc....those are his life!! That's all he wants to do..of course I don't let him just do that...he only gets 1 hour a day as it is...but to lose it is pure torture for him. I am very consistent w/ it, but not even that seems to work.
Robinrs...don't let that cute face fool you!!
As for the problem...I don't know what it is...w/ his step-mom I think it's that he wants mommy and daddy together. He's voiced that much as well as I'm sure he feels the friction between us. We don't like each other (a totally different story) however I don't ever say anything bad about her in front of him EVER! I know he hates being so far away from his daddy but I can't up and move to fix that problem. I told his father he needs to call more and be more available to him and that might help there but other than that I don't know how to solve that problem.
He shows anger in other ways like I said w/ the hitting and the biting, and again he's punished I guess the same way. I take away what he loves the most. I've tried sending him to his room and putting him in the corner. I guess the worst part is I feel like I'm failing him some where and I don't know where.

 

[Jacksmom99]

Have you thought about having him talk to a therapist? Please don't take offense, I'm NOT suggesting that there is anything wrong with your son!! But, if he is doing these things for attention, or because he's angry that mom & dad aren't together, it may help to have someone neutral discuss it with him. My DS 4 had issues with potty training. He would not poop in the toilet, and after 3 months with a wonderful child psychologist he worked through whatever control issues he was having. She was a dream. (She also helped him (and us) prepare for his surgery when he was three, I can't say enough good things about her!) Again, please don't take offense at my suggestion, it's only that, a suggestion. Other than that, my only suggestion is to remain consistant with the consequences and try to "wait out" the behavior, it may only be a stage where he's testing limits to see how you'll resond. Kids crave structure and consistancy even when they dislike us parents when we're doling out the punishments.

 

[kasar]

A friend of mine went through the same thing. She couldn't trust anything her son said. She tried something that sounds kind of crazy but it worked for her. What she did was she would give her son some little white lies herself to show how confusing and irritating it is when you can't trust someone.

For example, if he asked what was for dinner she'd say something that he liked. When dinner was served, it would be something different. When he complained she'd say, "Well, I know you were expecting something else but, I guess I lied" and then would casually go about her business. She did this a couple of times and, boy, did that get his attention. They talked about how he felt when he was expecting the truth and was lied to. I would caution that she never made him humiliated and this was only done with small things (like dinner) so that her point was made without causing WORSE problems. LOL

Kind of crazy, but you get the point. Your son might not understand how truth and lies can cause so much confusion and he may need to be the recipient of a lie to really understand.