Feeling resentful towards my mother...........(long vent)

[tiff211]

I feel bad that I feel the way I do especially when I see posts on this boards about members who have lost loved ones so I feel petty but I can't help it. ]

I am the second oldest of 7, my oldest DB lives in NY and didn't grow up with us. My DM remarried and I lived with her, my stepbrother and stepdad and then they had my 5 brother and sisters.

DB27, (lives here) has mental health issues, he is diagnosed with schizophenia and manic depression. He is ok as long as he takes his meds but he stops taking them sometimes because he doesn't like the way they make him feel. I try to interact with him but it's hard because he speaks about violence alot and he has these outbursts so I don't like to have him in my house around my kids.

DSis25 (lives here)is next and she is very impulsive and acts without thinking and against all advice. Joined the military, got medical discharged with eating disorder, got married and divorced within a year. started first year of college, decided this fall she will go to cosmetology school. Has a new boyfriend who she just moved in with.

Dbro24 lives in TX, got married a few months back, expecting baby in Aug.

Dsis23 (lives here), has 1 DS2, she went out with this verbally abusive loser, and got pregnant, he sells drugs, is in and out of jail. They are not together anymore, he gives her money but doesn't help with DN.

Dbro21, goes to school in NH, is very smart, always makes Dean's list. Just came out of the closet, which caused a lot of problems between him and DM.

Then there is my 80 grandmother, who lives by me. She doesn't drive but very independant and does for herself. I offer to help out whenever I can, by shopping for her, dropping meals off, etc.

So anyway, that's the background. Oh wait, there's me, 35, married 7 years, 4 DD's, work full time, and have a home party business that I do on the weekends.

Lately, I being feeling resentful towards my mother and it is just building and building. She has this thing where she drops everything and moves somewhere. She was here with a good job and decides to move back to TX, which she had dropped everything and moved back here, from which she had dropped everything and moved to TX. She left my Dbro with no place to go when school let out for the summer, because she couldn't afford a plane ticket because she hadn't found a job yet. So, he came and stayed with me. She helped my Dsis with Dn by babysitting so now she calls me. 99% of the time, I have to say no, and she gets upset. My grandmother is going through all these health issues and is now calling me because my mom isn't here to help her.

My Dsis has lived with us (4) in 7 years and the day she left Dbro came from school. My other Dsis and DN moved in when her creep baby daddy put his hand on her. Of course she went back to him. Dbro is at my house now, and I am feeling like I am going to blow any second. It's nothing major, but I think I am at my limit. It's little things that drive me crazy. He has allergies and sneezes REALLY loud. He won't take allergy meds so all day that's all I hear. He just started working a temp job, so this morning at 5am, he walks by room and ACHOO! I am a light sleeper and DD3 and the baby have been sick back to back so I have been getting up throughout the night for the past week and a half. Then, he blows his nose all day with toliet paper and while it so trivial, it's so annoying, we are going through tp like crazy. A 12 pack in a week?! I buy him tissues to help but he stil uses the tp.

He eats alot and is now making lunches for work. I bought stuff for DH's lunch and it is all gone, when it lasts about a week and a half.

But he's great on the other hand, helpful with the kids, around the house. I guess I just want my space back. When I am asked will I miss my family when we move, I realize that I am anxious to get away and I am ashamed of myself.

I blame my mother for not being there for them, and for my grandmother. I resent that she just ups and leaves and sends the ones that depended on her to me. She told me it's my fault that I have always been there for them so now they rely on it. Maybe it is but what should I have told Dbro when he asked me if he could stay during the summer because he had no place to go?

Oh btw, my uncle (never met him) passed away memorial day weekend, DM went to AZ for the funeral, decided she like it, flew back to TX, packed her clothes, and drove back to live in AZ. I can't even comprehend.

Thanks for letting me vent. Maybe I need counseling. I hate feeling bitter.

 

[da-winnie-pooh]

Don't know what to say, but here's a hug

You have beautiful children.

It's hard being the "good one" isn't it?

 

[anewvance]

Here are some huge hugs for you. In case you haven't read some of my past family vents I am going through some HUGE resentment towards my grandmother who raised me and it's only getting worse... I mean to the point that I have no idea what to do! So I really do feel for you and understand your vent completely.... my thoughts are with you.

 

[Grumpy's Wife]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

[mt2]

Thank you for joining "You're the responsible one" group. DH and I are charter members in our state. You must have one in your state too. I believe that each state has one.

DH tells me that God only gives us tests that we can handle. I told him that this time I have decided to fail the test. I'm sleeping in and asking for a make up test when I'm better rested.

 

[mt2]

Thank you for joining "You're the responsible one" group. DH and I are charter members in our state. You must have one in your state too. I believe that each state has one.

DH tells me that God only gives us tests that we can handle. I told him that this time I have decided to fail the test. I'm sleeping in and asking for a make up test when I'm better rested.

Good luck. I know that when we moved 5 hours away from our family it helped. Still close but far enough away that it's not a day trip.

Give your DB a box of tissues and a box of Claritin (or something else). Tell him to use it or he sleeps in the garage.

 

[Marseeya]

I know how you feel with the resentment and the guilt. I resent my mother, but I also feel guilty because she's in such ill health.

Anyway,

You're not alone!

 

[Tiggeroo]

I"m sorry you are going thu this. I also had irresponsible parents and as i'm the oldest alot fell on my shoulders. Now all my siblings tend to resent my parents. I live the closest to my parents and since they have no $$ broken house I'm worried about what's to come. I don't think I could ignore them if they needed help so I'm actually thinking about moving now before it even becomes an issue.
You need to set up some boundaries for yourself. They all need help but you are putting yourself last. How old is your db who is living with you? Is he a minor or college aged and still dependent on your mother? If so tell her you want child support. He I'm sure still needs you. Your sister and neice had a bad time. But you should charge them rent and set a time limit for their stay. Have her get her name on lists in buildings with income limits. If she has no skills have her get job training, whatever. If your brother is old enough have him get a summer job and contribute $20. per week for household expenses and buy his own snacks. My 18yo sons do this.

 

[disykat]

I think it's great that you are there for your family. If I were you, I would REFUSE to help anyone but youngest brother and grandma. Put your foot down!

For your brother, set up some rules for his LAST summer at your house. If he is going to live at your house, INSIST he take allergy meds (I have to say though that they probably won't totally eliminate the allergies - they don't mine) and use kleenex. He's 21, he can understand that he's bothering others in the house. Then talk about the grocery issues. If you are buying the groceries, set out the list and make him responsible for putting the items he needs on it. If he's buying his own groceries, insist he do so. You say he's a nice kid and helpful, so TALK TO HIM! Enlist his help in setting grandma up for success when you move. Have him help you pack and get the house ready for your move. It's your house and he shouldn't be living there without contributing.

There is nothing wrong with sitting someone down and talking through the issues until you find a way you can live together more comfortably. You can look at this as your last chance to have a strong influence at teaching him how to get along. I think it's great that you are moving from this, but in some ways you are fleeing like your mother. Wouldn't you feel great if you could leave knowing that you and your brother had worked things out to be mutually beneficial this summer rather than feeling like you had taken care of him?

 

[GoodFairies]

Everyone in the story is an adult. Your mom isn't leaving minors behind You should not be resentful of your mom, but of all these adults that apparently cannot take care of themselves. Learn to stand up for yourself and maybe once they realize no one is going to take care of them but themselves, they'll start to improve their lives.

 

[ducklite]

Why can't your youngest brother live with your grandmother for the summer and help her out while he's at it. That sounds like a win win situation for everyone. My guess is he uses TP because that's what he's used to using at college. Keep gently reminding him. 21 year old guys have their heads anywhere but on their shoulders when it comes to basic stuff like this.

Your mother obviously has unresolved emotional issues of her own, do'nt let it get to you.

The others except your youngest brother need to jsut be left to figure out their life. No more enabling them, especially sister with abusive BF--she was given a chance to get away from him and she chose to go back. next time she can go to a shelter, they will ahve a better support system to keep her from going back than you can offer.

Good luck!

Anne

 

[Chicago526]

I think you're tired of having your home be a hotel! And who wouldn't be!

The brother in college I can understand let live with you over the summers. He's in college so he's trying to get an education so he can support himself, and students are notoriously broke. Most people have parents they can stay with over the summer, your brother doesn't. Also it's temporary and for a short period of time. That said, he needs to follow some rules and if he's eating your out of house and home, then he needs to chip in for groceries. Not much you can do about the sneezing. Isn't it amazing how the little things can drive us the most crazy? My DH blows his nose in such a way that I just want to kill him over it. It sounds like he is strangling a goose. Louldy. And it just drives me NUTS!

As for the rest of your relatives, stop helping them. Lend a sympathetic ear to their problems and say "Gee that's too bad" and change the subject. If they ask for help, just say 'no'. They'll survive without your help. Think for a moment. What would they do if you weren't around to help them? Odds are they'd figure something else out to get by, either by getting someone else to help them or *gasp* doing something to help themselves.

At any rate, don't feel bad for feeling resentment. It's totally normal and completely understandable given the circumstances.

 

[tiff211]

Thank you for joining "You're the responsible one" group. DH and I are charter members in our state. You must have one in your state too. I believe that each state has one.

DH tells me that God only gives us tests that we can handle. I told him that this time I have decided to fail the test. I'm sleeping in and asking for a make up test when I'm better rested.

a blessing AND a curse!

I would like cliff notes or I am going to have to cheat off someone for this test!

 

[Robinrs]

You're the responsible one and it's your gift.... your Mom doesn't have that gift.

You wish she was more like you but she isn't. That's why your family has YOU.

She's a nomad, you're a rock. She's a will o'the wisp, you're solid. Neither one understands or accepts the other.

You will be blessed for your sacrifice, God always has the last word.

I do feel your pain, I'm the youngest in my family and since my parents passed my sisters have reverted to childhood. I've decided to keep my eye on Him.

God bless, Tiff and kiss my girls for me.

Robinrs

 

[tiff211]

I"m sorry you are going thu this. I also had irresponsible parents and as i'm the oldest alot fell on my shoulders. Now all my siblings tend to resent my parents. I live the closest to my parents and since they have no $$ broken house I'm worried about what's to come. I don't think I could ignore them if they needed help so I'm actually thinking about moving now before it even becomes an issue.
You need to set up some boundaries for yourself. They all need help but you are putting yourself last. How old is your db who is living with you? Is he a minor or college aged and still dependent on your mother? If so tell her you want child support. He I'm sure still needs you. Your sister and neice had a bad time. But you should charge them rent and set a time limit for their stay. Have her get her name on lists in buildings with income limits. If she has no skills have her get job training, whatever. If your brother is old enough have him get a summer job and contribute $20. per week for household expenses and buy his own snacks. My 18yo sons do this.

DB is 21. I helped he go through a temp agency and after 4 weeks, he just started a temp job at a bank. I do plan to make him contribute.

Just to clarify, lil sis doesn't live with me now, she has a place with a roommate. When she got back with him, I told her I wouldn't help her anymore. I have told them that I will be there for them as long as I see them helping themselves but IMO, staying with creep is not helping herself. One of the hardest things I have ever done was to tell her she and my nephew had to find somewhere else to live.

 

[tiff211]

Everyone in the story is an adult. Your mom isn't leaving minors behind You should not be resentful of your mom, but of all these adults that apparently cannot take care of themselves. Learn to stand up for yourself and maybe once they realize no one is going to take care of them but themselves, they'll start to improve their lives.

What you say is true but my mom has been doing this since before they were adults. It's sad to see the life skills they lack. Baby brother has gotten the brunt of this, since she has left him with misc. family members when she didn't have a place to stay and stayed with friends.

My stepdad was the responsible one in the relationship. She left him when I was 21, taking just 2 siblings and leaving the rest. Stepdad had a stroke and she eventually came back and took them with her to TX. Stepdad wasn't in his right mind anymore so she took him back to TX but had remarried and had him living there with her and her husband. He died about a year later. My sibs have had a hard upbringing due to my mother's irresponsiblity which is why I have been there the way I have.

 

[tiff211]

Why can't your youngest brother live with your grandmother for the summer and help her out while he's at it. That sounds like a win win situation for everyone. My guess is he uses TP because that's what he's used to using at college. Keep gently reminding him. 21 year old guys have their heads anywhere but on their shoulders when it comes to basic stuff like this.

Your mother obviously has unresolved emotional issues of her own, do'nt let it get to you.

The others except your youngest brother need to jsut be left to figure out their life. No more enabling them, especially sister with abusive BF--she was given a chance to get away from him and she chose to go back. next time she can go to a shelter, they will ahve a better support system to keep her from going back than you can offer.

Good luck!

Anne

Grandmother lives in a senior citizens home. One bedroom, brother couldn't stay there.

I was thinking of buying the cheap tp for him to use if he just prefers the rolls? Of course DH had tp issues and will only use cottonelle!!

DH came to me this morning and kissed me as he was leaving and said "it's almost over!" He must have seen the vein in my forehead popping out!

 

[Tiggeroo]

ok glad sis is out. I'd let the college brother spend summers and holidays with you. It's so hard to get thru college if you have no support system. But I'd charge your mom child support, most orders go thru college now, and have him chip in for groceries. Your a good sister. Just put up some barriers so you don't feel dumped on again. There's nothing you can do to change your mother. In the end she'll miss out. She won't have the close ties with her kids. Sooner or later she'll get older and want that and it'll be too late.

 

[lindakmonty]

All I can say is thank goodness you have 24 days left, correct? If you're moving in 24 days... just take deep breaths and take it day by day or hour by hour for those next 24 days !! Your children are adorable and keep in mind that it won't be much longer. We are dished out some tough test sometimes for sure. My family can get crazy as well. My parents hate each other. My father has paranoid schizophrenia so I can sympathize with you! Keep your chin up and hug those little ones. You'll be packing before you know it and you can watch your worries go away in the rear view mirror