Feeling like a bad daughter....

[englishteacha]

A New Year's Day tradition in my family is to go to my mom's house to make homemade pizza. She lives 2.5 hours away. Normally it's the highlight of my New Year's celebrations, but this year, I'm not feeling up to it. I haven't been feeling well, money is tight, we're traveling Saturday and Sunday for other events, and we had a pretty frantic Christmas. I told my mom we wouldn't be coming (for the above reasons) and she guilt tripped me! My mom is not the guilt trip type, so I think I might have hurt her feelings. She mentioned how my nephew will miss me so much, and how we don't always have all the time we want, etc. My sister and family will be going, as will my brother and his children, so she won't be alone. I just want a quiet day with my hubby to ring in 2009. I feel guilty, now, though, for not going. Am I a bad daughter?

 

[MELSMICE]

Well, honestly, I would go. It sounds like you're down in the dumps a little bit. Being with your family, doing something you enjoy might just make you feel better.

There is still time to change your mind.

 

[SundancePass]

No, you are not a bad daughter. Don't go if you don't want to go. Mom will get over it.

 

[Handbag Lady]

If you are sick, don't go.

If it is just money, change your weekend plans slightly to allow for the gas money. (it's not like this is a new event you didn't know about and gas isn't expensive now).

If it is because your mom guilted you...you should go simply because you said she NEVER does this. If she is a guilt-giver all the time, I wouldn't go. Return the guilting, though ("oh, we came but we had to cut out dinner plans the weekend to make it), and then let her know you came because SHE never does it. (I at least can talk to my mom about this stuff but your mileage may vary).

 

[Bluestars]

I don't think you should go if you don't feel like going.

The day I guilt trip my own family members into spending time with me is the day somebody needs to slap some sense into me. I cannot stand guilt trips. If I had to do that so that people would come and see me, I would rather have them stay home.

 

[AnnM]

I think you should go. I wish my Mom was still around to visit.
The thing is you never know when something will happen to your loved ones, and then you will feel really bad you missed it. Just my opinion based on losing my mom 3 years ago tomorrow.
Have a Happy New Year whatever you chose.

 

[Fishbone†]

I think you should go. I wish my Mom was still around to visit.
The thing is you never know when something will happen to your loved ones, and then you will feel really bad you missed it. Just my opinion based on losing my mom 3 years ago tomorrow.
Have a Happy New Year whatever you chose.

ITA. If this is tradition, and it were me, I would make whatever adjustments I could make to go. Sometimes tradition is very important to someone (like my mom), and I made this error in judgment once. I chose to do my own thing (something I could do anytime and for years to come) while my family celebrated my grandma's last birthday with us. I had no idea, but if I could take it back, I would climb the Rocky Mountains to do so. It breaks my heart everytime I think about it. Since then, I've tried very hard not to have any regrets.

Do have a very safe and Happy New Year whatever you do!!

 

[cruellababy]

I would go-for all the above reasons everyone has stated. I wish my mom were closer-they moved from Long Island this year-which was 6 hours away from us to fla- and I tack on days to visit when I see the mouse. LOL. Go- you have said how much this was a tradition for you- and enjoy! Happy New Years!

 

[lttlmc3]

No, you are not a bad daughter. But I know when I get guilted by my mother, I end up going. So I would probably go.

 

[4nana]

No, you are not a bad daughter ! Traditions are indeed wonderful ~ provided you feel up to it and your heart in the spirit of doing so. However, it's only natural for children to grow up, leave the nest and sometimes begin their own traditions.

Having 4 loving children with families in 3 states, I understand we can not do all celebrations, holidays or traditions together. Even tho this may be your Mom's first guilt trip, I would never play it myself. You have your reasons that need to be respected and as we Mom's know our children love us no matter the distance and are always with us in spirit.

Best wishes in your decision, have a happy and healthy New Year!

 

[SnowWhite607]

I think you should go. I wish my Mom was still around to visit.
The thing is you never know when something will happen to your loved ones, and then you will feel really bad you missed it. Just my opinion based on losing my mom 3 years ago tomorrow.
Have a Happy New Year whatever you chose.

Just what I was going to say. You know this could be the last New Years you have her so if I were you, I woud be on the road! You just never know what could happen.

 

[chisnpeke]

Just what I was going to say. You know this could be the last New Years you have her so if I were you, I woud be on the road! You just never know what could happen.

I was just going to mention it might be the last one you have. I'd go.

 

[DVC Sadie]

No, you are not a "bad daughter" but I have to wonder how many things your mother did for you when she really didn't feel up to snuff. Those are the things I think about when I have family obligations that I don't particularly want to attend.

 

[moon]

OP, I'm with those who think you should go. Not only because of "you never know", but also I think it will lift your spirit. Many times one doesn't feel up to doing something, and them ends up having a great time.

Happy New Year, whatever you decide!

 

[Va-bear]

No, you are not a "bad daughter" but I have to wonder how many things your mother did for you when she really didn't feel up to snuff. Those are the things I think about when I have family obligations that I don't particularly want to attend.

Same here. (Plus, I am one of those - missed a Mothers Day weekend trip, for a very ligit reason, my back was out - and missed my fathers last weekend alive. Never saw him again. )

But, that aside, I have a mother who is agoraphobic (sp?) and won't come to any celebrations, at all, at this point. All of her children/granchildren live in town, but she still wont come over to my Thanksgiving dinnner or my sisters yearly Christmas party to see us. (We go see her...but she really wishes to be alone most of the time. She is clinically depressed and seeks treatment, but it doesn't seem to help much.) She missses ALL her grandkids birthday parties, cookouts, etc. How I WISH she wanted to keep up with a family tradition.

Well, that said, do what you feel is right and do try to have a good one, whatever you do.

 

[HunnyPots]

Don't listen to the guilt trippers! You don't need any more of that! If you don't feel up to it and don't want to go - don't!
I HATE the whole "it might be your last Christmas (or whatever) together" crap! You can't plan your whole life thinking someone is going to die and you'll feel guilty for not seeing them "one more time". All you can do is live your life as best you know how and accept that you can't predict or control the future.

 

[Va-bear]

Don't listen to the guilt trippers! You don't need any more of that! If you don't feel up to it and don't want to go - don't!
I HATE the whole "it might be your last Christmas (or whatever) together" crap! You can't plan your whole life thinking someone is going to die and you'll feel guilty for not seeing them "one more time". All you can do is live your life as best you know how and accept that you can't predict or control the future.

I really do agree with you, in theory....people should not guilt trip others into doing things. It's less the 'someone may die' thing (even though it happened to me..) as it is the 'your mom/family has done a lot for you and sometimes you should do things you dont feel like doing for the sake of others." These days the attitude of "I dont feel like it..." seems to be very prevelant - but I think sometimes (not always) we should 'force' ourselves to do things if they mean a lot to someone else.


(And if her mom did this a lot I'd say 'dont go' , but she said it was uncommon, which makes me feels its very important to her mom.)

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Don't listen to the guilt trippers! You don't need any more of that! If you don't feel up to it and don't want to go - don't!
I HATE the whole "it might be your last Christmas (or whatever) together" crap! You can't plan your whole life thinking someone is going to die and you'll feel guilty for not seeing them "one more time". All you can do is live your life as best you know how and accept that you can't predict or control the future.

I so totally agree with this.

 

[englishteacha]

Wow. I didn't expect so many responses! I still feel guilty, but part of me just really wants a quiet day at home. I'm recovering from surgery and only have a few more days till I go back to work. Driving 5 hours round trip for pizza and a house full of people just doesn't sound pleasant at all right now.

For those who said, "You never know...", I've been there and done that. I lost my father a year ago, and my mother in law on Christmas Day in 2003. I can't live my life worrying all the time. I spent lots of time with them, and while I wish I had them both here now, I don't regret taking some time for me once in a while. We visit my mom quite often, and I call her every day.

 

[beavismom]

My first reaction was to give the "You never know..." answer, but after your last post I think you are fine not going. I would call her and let her know you thought she sounded hurt and wanted to explain that you are still having some issues recovering from your surgery and the trip/company is just too much for you right now. Then ask her for a date in a couple of weeks that you can plan for a "raincheck". It is the activity and being together that makes this special, not the date, so hopefully that will keep the peace for everyone.

I understand where you are coming from too. I had volunteered to help my brother unpack from his move this weekend, but backed out the other day (and felt very guilty) because this holiday season has just been so hectic that our family hasn't really had any down time together at all.