Feeling Horrible: Just found out how much in Debt we REALLY are...

[Marionnette]

Set up your credit cards online. Check them everyday. You will know exactly where your money goes. I would never let my husband pay the bills without being involved - you both are liable for the bills, you should know where every penny that you both spend goes to.

Not just your credit cards, but your utility bills, mortgage and any other regularly occuring bill you might have.

My brother's ex was horrible with money and yet she had the responsibility for paying the bills because he travels a lot for work. He just felt it was "easier" for her since she was home to get the mail everyday. BIG mistake! It only made it easier for her to hide just how deep the hole was that she was digging for them. I can't tell you how many times the lights were turned off because she decided that a designer purse was more important than the electric bill.

He could have easily monitored all of the bills and their bank accounts from anywhere he was. Yet he chose to stick his head in the ground rather than address it. I'm not saying that the OP's husband is doing anything nearly as awful as what my ex sister inlaw did but I really feel that both spouses should be completely aware of the household finances in the event that something (heaven forbid!) should happen to one of them.

My brother finally began to take responsibility when they broke up and all the debt had to be brought to the table for the divorce settlement. It wasn't until that moment that he learn the full extent of their debt. The same could happen to someone with a spouse who is killed in an accident or incapacitated by illness.

I hope that the OP is still checking this thread. It's a month old and she doesn't appear to post often. I wish her luck.

 

[TOGA]

First, thanks for taking responsibility for your debt and being willing to work to pay it off. You CAN do it and you will be stronger mentally and financially for it.

Someone earlier in the thread mentioned being fired from doing the finances, well, my wife 'fired' me years ago when she realized we weren't making much headway and my time was too taken up with school and work. She had the bandwidth to get things straightened out and now I've been rehired. I spend a fair amount of time each week and nearly daily accounting for in-flows and out-flows, budgeting, planning and saving.

A quote or saying that I heard that really put things in perspective for me was that having money or no debt allows you to have options, while having no money or lots of debt takes away options you have in your life. Anything from what vacation you want to have to planning for a child's education. What choices do you want to be available to you?

We've also gotten in a good habit of having our vacation entirely paid off before we even leave. We figure out what we want to do {Disney or Myrtle Beach or whatever} and put a little away each month into a savings account. It works and it makes for the most relaxing vacations we've ever had knowing we won't have a huge credit card bill waiting for us.

Good luck!



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[englishteacha]

My biggest money/timesaver is using my crockpot. I HATE to cook and I just finished grad school, so we were eating out a lot. I'm trying to plan my meals and use the crock pot whenever I can.

A few years ago we did the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University and it really helped us to understand our finances and our money. You could get the books from the library. We don't follow the plan strictly, now, but it really helped us get focused on how we spend.

 

[EMHDad]

Some of this advice has already been said, I'm sure, but didnt read through every post.

First, I recommend taking the Financial Peace University class. It will change your life. If you are not ready and/or willing to do that, at least get Dave Ramsey's book 'the Total Money Makeover'.

Moving debt to 0% interest credit cards, restructuring things, couponing, etc... this will all help, but you will probably still fail pretty badly unless you take some foundational steps toward debt reduction.

You need to have a zero balance budget every month and keep to it. You need to examine your spending habits and find where you can cut back. As ramsey says, that means not seeing the inside of a resturant for a while and living on 'beans and rice'. Unfortunately, you are not able to live in your means. You have to live at probably at least no more than 75% of your means, hopefully even much less.

Good luck and God speed/

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

Basically, it is like paying an extra payment per year.

If you pay monthly in 12 installments, you don't pay every 4 weeks, you pay every 30-31 days.

However, if you pay every 2 weeks (not twice a month, but every 2 weeks) you will pay 26 times half payments making 13 payments over a year instead of the usual 12.

You can have the almost the same results by taking your regular payment, dividing by 12 and just paying that amount extra per payment.

For example:

Monthly payment: $1,000
Divide by 12: $83.33
New payment: $1,083.33 per month

If you have a 30 year mortgage this can shave off about 6 years or so if you start from the beginning. If you have a 15 year mortgage it may only shave off 2 years.


Dawn

But this wont work at every bank so ask at your first. Where we have our mortgage, it won't work -- darn!

 

[Pirate Mamma]

Wow.... Like wow... I actually created a new user name on Disboards after I wrote this post since I didn't want my mom to find out about our situation... Anyways all this advice was great, and for a while we made progress. After a few months I kind of sat back and once again let my DH take control. Well - bad idea. Although we are still emotionally (and what not) are strong, financially he has hidden things from me again. So tonight when we got home, and our power was turned off... Yikes!!! He had failed to pay last month's bill and then this month's bill was delivered incorrectly... Anyhow, this was another "come to Jesus" moment. From this point on I AM IN CHARGE of our finances... So here we go again. I WILL NOT be complacent again. Period. Thank you for your support and stories of your challenges... Please don't flame me.

 

[indimom]

I remembered your thread and was surprised to see it pop back up. Sorry it had to be under negative circumstances.
Don't give up, OP. It can be done. Some people are just not good budgeters, so it probably is best if you take over, but make sure that you keep your husband in the loop.
Good Luck!

 

[okeydokey]

Well, now you know without a doubt what YOUR role will have to be. You can do it, good luck!

 

[Marionnette]

Wow.... Like wow... I actually created a new user name on Disboards after I wrote this post since I didn't want my mom to find out about our situation... Anyways all this advice was great, and for a while we made progress. After a few months I kind of sat back and once again let my DH take control. Well - bad idea. Although we are still emotionally (and what not) are strong, financially he has hidden things from me again. So tonight when we got home, and our power was turned off... Yikes!!! He had failed to pay last month's bill and then this month's bill was delivered incorrectly... Anyhow, this was another "come to Jesus" moment. From this point on I AM IN CHARGE of our finances... So here we go again. I WILL NOT be complacent again. Period. Thank you for your support and stories of your challenges... Please don't flame me.

Lesson learned.

Please take a look at my PP in this thread. Your situation sounds so much like the one that my brother went through. Seize the reins and take control. Monitor your credit report and his as well. My ex SIL took out cards in my brother's name without his knowledge when he started to control the finances. She just added herself as an authorized user. She racked up a ton of debt on those cards at a time when he was working to reduce their other credit card debts.

Even after my SIL moved out, she still caused him problems. Water and electric bills for the house were forwarded to her new residence (their first names have the same first 3 letters) and she just sat on them rather than give them to him. He would come back from a business trip to a house with no lights, no gas or no water. I put part of the blame on him for not keeping better track of his bills.

Trust. But verify, OP. You need to keep a watchful eye on the spending. Your husband is not going to be an equal partner with you in this part of your relationship. In fact, he has proven that he is capable of working against you.

 

[Zerosinthecloset]

But this wont work at every bank so ask at your first. Where we have our mortgage, it won't work -- darn!

We've never had a mortgage where they wouldn't let us make extra principle(sp) payments. Never understood this business with setting up a payment plan for 13 payments. We always just paid extra principle every month, usually what we could afford, but always something.

 

[Eastern]

I know you say your relationship is emotionally strong but lying and deceiving one's partner is not part of a healthy emotional relationship.

 

[dakcp2001]

Set up your credit cards online. Check them everyday. You will know exactly where your money goes. I would never let my husband pay the bills without being involved - you both are liable for the bills, you should know where every penny that you both spend goes to.

This. The amount of debt you both have in your names should not be a surprise to either one of you. Ever. You are both responsible and should be paying attention to all of the charges. Go back through all the bills and see WHAT it was spent on. All of it. And make sure you watch every single purchase made. Sounds like your husband is not handling the bills well. You need to be more involved. You need to be able to see all purchases being made.

 

[bumbershoot]

Wow.... Like wow... I actually created a new user name on Disboards after I wrote this post since I didn't want my mom to find out about our situation... Anyways all this advice was great, and for a while we made progress. After a few months I kind of sat back and once again let my DH take control. Well - bad idea. Although we are still emotionally (and what not) are strong, financially he has hidden things from me again. So tonight when we got home, and our power was turned off... Yikes!!! He had failed to pay last month's bill and then this month's bill was delivered incorrectly... Anyhow, this was another "come to Jesus" moment. From this point on I AM IN CHARGE of our finances... So here we go again. I WILL NOT be complacent again. Period. Thank you for your support and stories of your challenges... Please don't flame me.

I'm glad you found out. Don't waver! Be strong!

 

[a1tinkfans]

Wow.... Like wow... I actually created a new user name on Disboards after I wrote this post since I didn't want my mom to find out about our situation... Anyways all this advice was great, and for a while we made progress. After a few months I kind of sat back and once again let my DH take control. Well - bad idea. Although we are still emotionally (and what not) are strong, financially he has hidden things from me again. So tonight when we got home, and our power was turned off... Yikes!!! He had failed to pay last month's bill and then this month's bill was delivered incorrectly... Anyhow, this was another "come to Jesus" moment. From this point on I AM IN CHARGE of our finances... So here we go again. I WILL NOT be complacent again. Period. Thank you for your support and stories of your challenges... Please don't flame me.

Hope things are going well...Best of Luck

 

[chimilady]

You both REALLY need Financial Peace University. Like seriously. Now.

No one person in the relationship should ever be in charge of bills, it should be joint effort. And you let someone who knowingly deceived you twice be in charge of the bills and you're NOW having a come to jesus meeting? Until you both can save up and take Financial Peace University, I highly recommend you check out Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover from your local library and read it. BOTH of you need to read it. Putting the responsibility on one of you, even now, is not going to work. Yes, you can take over writing the physical checks, but doing this isn't going to help your marriage.

I also suggest listening to Dave Ramsey's online radio show. 2-5 EST every day at DaveRamsey.com. I'm not saying this to be harsh, but if you don't do something now you are risking your marriage. I've been where you are, and doing the Total Money Makeover was the best thing we ever did. We've been debt free now for 3 years and you can too with the right plan.

 

[Pesky]

Gotta agree with pp re Dave Ramsey. Look, I think his stuff gets a little egotistical in talking about him and his life. What he is spouting is nothing new but he does so in a way that is easy to remember so easier to follow (at least in principle). And the real-life examples are inspirational. It involves making some HARD decisions and really re-examining your life. But you know what, once you start to see that all pay off, it is so freeing. Going to a class or the like with your DH might help get him on the same path and you guys in a like mind-step. Quite frankly, it will never work with only one partner pulling on an oar here. Your boat will just circle. You have to pull together to go anywhere. DH has often reminded me of our goals when I want to buy something and vice versa. Consequently, we are financially stronger because we are working together towards this goal.

 

[danielle79]

I have been working on paying off our credit card debt for two years now and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel finally! You sound like the more financially responsible person in the relationship and should be in charge of the bills getting paid so your power doesn't get shut off again. My husband and I split up the household bills and are responsible for our own credit cards, and I can say we will be debt free (except for mortgage) in 2 more years! We both like to spend $ sometimes that really should go towards debt but we have a budget and stick to it. Don't use credit for everyday purchases ever, if you don't have the cash then you can't afford it. Pay off highest rate credit cards first! Good luck!

 

[thebeesknees]

OP, looks like you are headed in the right direction by taking control of the payments. I'm sorry you hit a bump in the road, but good for you for taking action to correct things when that happened. If you can, get the Total Money Makeover from your library and read it. It has some great practical things you can do to start making more of a dent in your debt and can really encourage you to keep on track, even when "bumps" come along. It is not easy, I will admit, but there is a FANTASTIC sense of freedom when you get those bills paid off! Set small goals at first (like paying off the smallest debt in X number of months), and then go from there. You will have the satisfaction of seeing real progress that way. I'd also encourage you to sit down with your DH and go over your monthly budget, figure out what is necessary and what is discretionary, have the necessities automatically withdrawn from your account and then go to an all-cash system for the discretionary expenses. When the money is gone, it's gone until the next payday. Also, try to keep track of all your receipts every month and enter those on a spreadsheet so you can see where the money is going. It is so easy for it to disappear and at the end of the month, you have no idea where it went. Yes, it's a pain at first to set it up, but it really helps you see where you can cut expenses. We have gotten into a habit of sitting down every night and entering that day's receipts. It only takes a couple of minutes, but we know exactly where the money went and how on-track we are for spending for the month at any given time. No surprises later! You have to know where your money is going before you can really get a good budget set up. And don't think that you have to deny yourself all pleasure while you do this, either. Give yourselves a little bit of fun money every week or month and build it into your budget to spend as you choose. When it's gone, you are done for the month, but at least you know that you can have a coffee now and then, etc. and aren't feeling strangled all the time. If you don't spend it that month, either throw it toward a payment or roll it over to next month's fun money to add to it for a bigger purchase. Sort of like when you tell your kids to save up for that new computer game or whatever. It is more satisfying when you've saved for it than if you just run out and buy it on credit. Hope this all made sense. I'm glad you are stepping up to this task! It can be overwhelming, but keep at it - it feels so good when you get to your goal!!

 

[DisneyCowgirl]

We were out of control in a similar situation several years ago and here's a simplified version of what has worked for us:

--A strict and detailed budget outlining all income and how much will be spent on just about everything in any given month. We keep this in an excel spreadsheet which we save on Dropbox so that either of us can access it at any time. It took several months of monitoring our expenditures very closely to get all the detail in it we wanted and to estimate accurately how much we needed to be spending.
--Stick to the budget. If we are getting close to maxing out our allotted grocery budget, we either take from our "extras" amount budgeted for that month, or we make do with less.
--Do things in cash only, at least til you get the hang of it. Easier to stick to the budgeted amount this way.
--Don't carry the credit cards. Maybe one with a low limit, just in case.
--Make it so both spouses can access all accounts online and check them regularly.
--Do budget yourself some spending money, even if it is only a small amount. We call this our "allowance," and it can be spent however we want, or it can be hoarded up for something bigger. Right now I am hoarding my allowance for Christmas presents and Disney trips.

We got our spending under control and now are much happier.

 

[disneymom3]

I am so thankful this thread came up! We have just been presented with an enormous car repair bill and it has me reeling a bit. Wiped out the entire emergency fund plus a lot more. We have also realized in this process that we have been spending way to much on things we don't need at all.

This thread has many good ideas in it, so I thank all of you for the ideas you have shared.