Feeling Guilty

[beckykarstetter]

True. Maybe if you expect them to rise to the challenge and go, they'll just figure it out.

 

[aidensmom31]

And this incident with my siblings is just one of many. There has been minimal to no help from any of them, and when they have had to do something it has been a horrible experience for everyone. Been really mistreated by them in all of this, so it doesn't surprise me one bit that it's continuing.
Just going to try and relax these next few days and figure out what's best. Really want to go, but don't want to be held responsible and crucified by my siblings if something were to go wrong while I am not there either. Family sucks sometimes!

They should be the ones feeling bad. Just because you dont have what they consider a job doesnt mean that this should be fully on you. You deserve a break and I am glad you are finding ways to make that happen by finding people willing to stop by. I know it wont be easy but let yourself enjoy the trip. Taking care of someone is hard and there are tons of information out there that states that caregivers need a little time to themselves (its even taught in my classes).

 

[aylarosie]

I so feel for you.Go Go GO........ you and your children deserve this.I was a young mother years ago .I took my FIL and SIL in to live with us.FIL had alzhiemers and SIL was mentally a 3 yr old .I took them to live with us when MIL passed away. My healthy SIL chose to not have her sister visit because she wanted to spend more time with her family. I had to let it go and get outside help.We used money that was theirs and hire caregivers to give me some time off. They lived with us until FIL passed away . That being said your Dad should be sending you happily on this trip. This is his wife and if he can't take time he should find coverage so you can spend time with your family. Some great ideas here .Remember we are only promised today. Go have fun ,if my daughter was helping me I would want her to go.

 

[mom2rtk]

if my daughter was helping me I would want her to go.

I would feel the same way. Which is why I'm so perplexed that she would forbid the one willing sibling from taking a few days off school.

 

[Phoenixrising]

It's so easy for the siblings not to do anything, and expect you to do everything. Been there, done that with my mother. DSis was the golden child, yet I was the one who was taking care of my mother on a regular basis until her death, while DSis would see her maybe once every couple of months, play the good little daughter, then leave me with the burden of taking care of her in addition to my own family. Safe to say we are no longer on speaking terms over what happened. Ultimately, you will be the one with no guilt when all is said and done, not them. I know that she would want you to enjoy the trip, as it was planned long before she got sick. You had no idea that this was going to happen. So my advice is to go, have a great time, as you desperately need the break. Show her tons of pics when you get home and get her a special treat from the parks that she will treasure. It's really difficult to be primary caregiver to someone that is that ill. It takes a major toll on you, and you need a break, so that you can go back re-energized, and stronger than ever.

 

[starshine514]

I'd send out a group email (or series of texts, depending on how your family communicates) to my dad and siblings telling them that I was still going on vacation, and mom needs someone there with her on Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday and that they need to make arrangements for it. Remind them that your mom has ended up in the hospital a few days after each chemo treatment, so she'll need to be watched carefully to make sure she's alright. Also, I'd tell them that if none of them can help, then they'll need to hire someone to do so (I'd give them the name/number of a preferred agency so that they'd have no excuse).

Like others have said, her care is not your responsibility. It is everybody's - especially your father's. I understand how your mom would tell your brother that she didn't want him to miss school - I have a feeling she's also telling you to go on your trip, that she'll be fine (I have a mom, too). Unfortunately, this will be a problem if your siblings talk to her directly about it. Hopefully your father is more realistic.

Brainstorming a little, while assuming your siblings are still going to remain jerks...

Your dad works in IT? Could he possibly work from home for a few days? That would allow him to keep an eye on your mom, but still not not be neglecting his job.

Does your brother who was will to miss college for a few days have classes all day? If not, could he check on her whenever he's not in class? Most classes are M/W and T/Th at most colleges, so he could possibly miss M/T and only miss one class meeting of each of his classes. Then, you'd just need someone for Wednesday...

 

[AZlady]

Oh my! What selfish siblings!!!

Assign each sibling 1 day....make a schedule and tell them that is there day to care for mom! Don't ask, tell them!

In the future, you should assign each sibling 1 day a week, so you can have time off!

Enjoy your trip!

 

[squirrel]

There are so many siblings they could do 1/2 days.

I like the idea of giving them each a day (1/2 day) to help out. Maybe send out an e-mail/text and tell them these are the days let me know what day and AM or PM shift you want otherwise you will be assigned one. First to respond gets the slot.

 

[kylie71]

All great advice, I have nothing to add, but my best wishes, and a HUG!

I spent lots of time caring for my Mom, in her last months, and I understand the guilt.
Go, Enjoy DLR with your family, and please do not feel guilty... You deserve a break too!

Please come back and share you trip with us!


Lori

 

[nikkislaght]

And this incident with my siblings is just one of many. There has been minimal to no help from any of them, and when they have had to do something it has been a horrible experience for everyone. Been really mistreated by them in all of this, so it doesn't surprise me one bit that it's continuing.
Just going to try and relax these next few days and figure out what's best. Really want to go, but don't want to be held responsible and crucified by my siblings if something were to go wrong while I am not there either. Family sucks sometimes!

preaching to the choir here...
I too had trouble with a sibling.. they are feeling guilty because they are not doing enough.. and making you out to be the bad guy. 13 yrs after my dad died, I have the peace of mind that I did EVERYTHING with in MY being to aide my dad.. and I sleep great at night because of it... They dont..

To say that you are "just" a mum so therefore you should be doing it all is so very selfish on their part. And again something that you do with a willing heart, but you need a break... mental health is SO important when caring for someone .

If your church members are going to help you out, thats wonderful.. and your siblings should learn to shut their ungrateful mouths...


I would set it up with a friend that you write your mums schedule up for while you are away.. and "accidentally" send it to your siblings as well.. make it very very detailed... it just may snap them out of their nasty narrow minded worlds..

Anyway I hope you do get to go, and have a great time...

 

[Lumiere Lover]

I agree with the previous poster, assign your siblings days to take care of your mother (also their mother). To me it sounds like you aren't receiving any additional help, and you do deserve a vacation.

Please try to make the time to be at your children's first Disney trip. You will never get these moments back.

Your mother is very fortunate to have a daughter like you who is willing to give up so much so you know your mother is well taken care of. You were raised very well.

 

[bumbershoot]

They look at it as doing me a favor, instead of as helping mom.

Something needs to snap them out of this. SomeONE needs to do it. Who can be that someone?

You know when you get on an airplane, they tell parents of small children to put their OWN oxygen mask on first in the event of an emergency...... so that they can then better care for their children. This trip is your oxygen mask. PUT IT ON PLEASE. Have a great time. Then come home and start standing up to your family.

Oh man, you actually made me start to cry. What you say is SO TRUE.

What I don't get is how your dad is too busy to take care of HIS sick wife. I know you don't want him losing his job, so maybe he can't be the one to physically be there, but it is up to him to find somebody to help your mom. You have already gone above and beyond for both of them.

.....

Mothers often take the weight of the world on their shoulders, so I do understand and appreciate the position you are in, but you also need to know that this isn't your problem to solve.

Yes.


OP, OK, so he works for a huge company. That means they have an HR department, and he needs to be talking to them. Seriously, they CAN do without him for THREE DAYS. Or even if they can't (my goodness what happens when he retires?), he needs to find out IF they can be flexible for these days. A multinational company has things set in place to help their employees.


And maybe your husband should be fighting for his job back, too, if he did everything right!

There are so many siblings they could do 1/2 days.

I like the idea of giving them each a day (1/2 day) to help out. Maybe send out an e-mail/text and tell them these are the days let me know what day and AM or PM shift you want otherwise you will be assigned one. First to respond gets the slot.

Love it!

 

[monkeymers]

What would happen if your dad got the flu and had to take a day, or three, off? Would the company implode? Doubt it.

He can call in sick for three days.

I watched my mother battle and ultimately lose her battle with melanoma in 2005. We, the 5 kids, helped take care as she had her zillion rounds if chemo. I also witnessed my father slowly pull back as she got sicker and sicker. Almost withdrawal. It got to the point where my two sisters and I were giving the round the clock care. From what you have written, and from my experience, your wonderful father is watching his beloved spouse battle a horrible illness, and it's torture on him. He's helpless. And when guys can't fix the situation, they do the only thing they CAN do to help the situation. They work. Guys are wired different.

Remind him that life is precious, your family needs you right now, and he needs to be there for his wife. These moments are few, and very sacred.

Again, he can call I sick for three days. His job will be there. His priority is his wife.

 

[awinangie]

My heart breaks for you.

And your foolish family.

My advice is this...

Forget about the family, what they should be doing or not doing. It's like beating your head against a wall.

Hopefully you have time to follow up further with the connections at church. PLEASE ask for all that you need. Hopefully this is the community that will follow through. Set up a schedule of what you think your mom needs, and then make special note of the most important things. Hopefully you can get those slots filled. If so, you can go on your trip with a light heart. If not, your family will have a clear "roadmap" of what needs to be done.

I imagine myself sharing something like the following with the church community.

"As you may know, my mom has been battling cancer these last months. She is a fighter (a short praise of mom's feistiness here), but has had some trouble with each round of chemo so far. I'm grateful that I've been able to take care of my mom during this time, but am in need of some respite. My husband, children, and I have been planning the past two years to travel to Disneyland. Unfortunately, the trip is scheduled at a difficult time, just X days after my mother's upcoming treatment. I wish I could reschedule, but the trip is pre-paid and the change fees are prohibitive. It's either now or never. Unfortunately, I have learned that my siblings are unable to care for our mother during my absence. My father will care for her over the weekend, but she needs care during his work hours on Monday - Wednesday."

And then let the know what you need. It would probably also be a great idea to ask if there's anyone that can help you organize/schedule the help. Some have a gift of organization, and would be grateful for the opportunity to serve you in this way.

Please allow generous people to help you. Those of us who willingly accept responsibility sometimes struggle with asking for help. You clearly can't count on your family. Sad, but true. Let that go. It will only stress you more. You need to concentrate on taking care of yourself. Working to ensure that your mom is cared for is part of that. Do what you can, and then let it go. You are NOT selfish.

It might be helpful to include your father and siblings in some (or all) of the organization emails.

One important thing, I think, is to be carefully general when mentioning that your family "cannot" take on the responsibility. It will do no good to tell the whole truth, here. They'll get more defensive (because they're WRONG!) and will cause more drama. Folks will read between the lines. And if they don't, no harm done. You're taking the high road. People will feel good about helping you and your mom (and dad) who need them. It'll just frustrate them to have it called out that they have to help because your siblings are deadbeats. My gut tells me that the more positive you are about the request, the better for everyone.

And when you get home, it's time to call the family out. If you can. It would certainly be reasonable if it was more drama than you're willing to take on...

I predict, however, that you could find a pile of DIS folks ready and willing to back you up. Family intervention anyone??? Big, scary group of Disney-lovers???

 

[awinangie]

Another idea is to simply have a straight talk with your mother...

Tell her what you've told us here...

I'd like to think that she'd see things clearly and agree that your willing youngest brother should be allowed to fill in during the times that can't be covered by your church community. (Or even all three days.)

Seems to me that it would be a blessing to him to allow him to care for his mother and sister at the same time. Of course school is important. But she's got a daughter who's taking on a great deal of responsibility and suffering with disrespect and apathy of most of her siblings. And she's got a son who's ready to help with that.

The situation simply isn't ideal. It's time to make the best of it.

And not on the back of one sibling.

HUGS, HUGS, HUGS.

 

[belle10]

I dont know if this is an option, but a lot of insurance companies and hospice companies can provide home care or even respite stays at nursing facilities. I know a nursing home may not be ideal, but it is there as a back up.

I can't believe your siblings are willing to help. You need and deserve this vacation. Being a primary care provider is very draining and sometimes you just need to get away to recharge your batteries

 

[mummabear]

What a terrible situation, I really feel for you.
I agree you should go, there are 8 other immediate family members who could be making a sacrifice (your dad and 7 siblings) for those days, otherwise a carer may be the way to go (and IMO the cost should be split 9 ways).
It is a wonderful thing you are doing for your mom but remember that the responsibilty for caring for her does not fall on you alone, the whole family should eb chipping in.
I'm sure your mom would love to hear all about your trip and see the photos etc.
I hope it all works out.

 

[Princessmommymouse]

Just wanted to let everyone know we all ended up going! My mom went into Chemo Thursday and they cut back her dosage so she won't be as sick, and my dad found a friend who he is dropping her off at their house while he is at work. So my mom is doing great and we are having a blast. We just checked into the Disneyland Hotel for one night and the boys love it so much! Everything (well other than splash mountain breaking while we were on it for the first time) has been so perfect. I am so happy we all got a break!

 

[Kiwigirls]

Yay!!! So happy for you and so glad the boys are enjoying it!!!

 

[DharmaLou]

I am so glad that you went, and so sorry that your siblings couldn't step up and help. I hope you enjoy every last moment of your trip!