Feeling guilty because I only want one child

[GOODoldPAL]

Kristine - I'm happy you spoke with your husband about this and encourage you to occassionally revisit it with him. The "how many children" issue is important in a relationship. And whether you have one or ten children, the parent's relationship is THE foundation that will have the greatest impact on their early lives.

Funny thing is, I was on the other side of your experience many years ago.
My husband only wanted one and I soooo wanted a sibling for our only. Wow! So much guilt piled up feeling I was not providing for her needs! We too both came from large families (his 5 kids, mine 6), and so our extended family also happily heaped on the pressure too. The whole only child mentality was foreign to me (yes, it IS a different way of life).

Now, looking back I realize I was programmed from my life experiences to see a large family as THE perfect formula - and we want our children to have the perfect life right?
So how did I cope? Well I gave it to God. It was always up to Him anyhow, I just had to admit it.
Now I tell people, God decided if I had more than one I would probably accidently leave one in the grocery cart.

And of course God provided - just in a different way than I had in mind. For most of my DD's early years I had a home day care program and she had more kids to grow up with than I could ever bear, 12 hours a day! I volunteered with Girl Scouts and youth group and school or community events, and looking back, I can hardly remember a time I had less than 3 children in tow.
I came to realize that had I birthed more than one, I would never have had as much time or patience to give to those other kids.

Of course, thru the years she had her moments; holding me responsible for any momentary loneliness and literally begging for a sibling (girls can be soooo dramatic!). But more often she pointed out the inconveniences and uncomprehensible bickering of the siblings she knew.

Now, at age 13, even my DD can see how obviously God's plan unfolded:
Her experience as an only child has created a wonderfully empathetic, responsible and diplomatic young lady. While other kids are bouncing off the walls, she was always able to occupy herself and even whip up an activity to distract the others. She is always the one to take the new kid under her wing, and suggest an agreeable solution to social problems of her peers. She is like a magnet for little kids and always has a kind word and hug for them.
While I fretted she would turn out spoiled, she was giving away her lunch to the kid who forgot theirs!
And most important, especially in the fragile teen years, we talk. That seemed so inconsequential when she was younger but now I realize how different that is from my own childhood with a Mom who had to divide her time amongst many. When sex became a subject on the school bus (WAY too young IMHO), she would come home and get the facts straight with me. My DD tells me stuff about her classmates that makes my blood freeze; kids are dealing with so much crap these days. Mostly, I hear about teens that don't talk to their parents at all because they never developed a relationship with them where they felt loved and accepted. Some of her friends even confide in me.

Now, I'm not saying a good relationship with a child can't exist in larger families. And I'm not saying that my daughter wouldn't be a wonderful human being if she had siblings. But, God created us imperfectly and only He knows how to use those imperfections for good if you let Him. For me, I thought an only child was a curse and God revealed it as a blessing, not just for our family but the others who He placed in our life.
So cherish your time with your only. Maybe God plans to grow your family but maybe there is a reason, not yet revealed, why you are blessed with being able to focus on your son. Maybe it is the beginning of a plan God is unfolding for your family.
God always has a better plan for us than we could imagine.

Thanks for starting this thread and all those who shared their blessings.

 

[bbump]

Hello!
We also have an only child. Our DD is 10 years old.
We had her when we were young and would always say: "We will wait until college is finished," - college was finished, or "We'll wait until we have our own house" - house was purchased... years went by..... now we have waited too long and are very satisfied and comfortable with our family size.

When DD was younger, I worked nights and hubby worked during the day.
Now that DD has been in school, we both work during the day.
If we had another child, we would probably have to switch back to alternating shifts and one of us would miss out on seeing our DD during the evening hours.

Hubby and I also volunteer alot and we would not be able to be involved as much as we are if we had another child.

DD has many cousins that she sees frequently (school age, babies and toddlers) So she is great arround other kids.

We have 3 cats, 1 hamster, fish and now a pug puppy (the puppy is almost like having another kid right????) So she has alot of responsiblity.
DD is never lonely.
We love doing things together and we are eachothers best buddies. I love the fact that we are close and enjoy "hanging out" together.
In fact, when DD and I are out and about, some people think we are sisters since she is getting so tall.

I love kids, but I am happy sofar with my choice of having only 1 child.
I think life would be too crazy, and I would turn into a fire breathing dragon if I had another kid. (I am 30 though and there is always a chance that we might be able to have another child if hubby and I have a major change of heart.) I think we just waited waaaayyy too long.

What really bugs and annoys me is family, friends and neighbors who bug us about having another kid. They really dog our situation and tell us that we would be great parents to another kid, and that we are being selfish and thinking only of ourselves. I have learned to tune this out through the years, as we would be the parent for this child-to-be, not them and we would know the right decision to make.

Well, that's my story the future is still open for change I guess.

 

[TDC Nala]

Don't have a kid because you expect it to turn out to be something in particular or to someday do something for you or for its siblings or for someone else. Have the number of kids you want to raise.

 

[meeskamouska]

I have an only child, after several up and downs of do we or don't we, we have decided to keep our family just the way it is!!!
My DD was asking for a baby the other day (she's 3) and then heard one crying at the store...she turned to me and said..."I really don't want one of those at our house..."
She is very social and around other children so I don't worry about her feeling alone!!! I think being an only child will have some great benefits!!!

 

[NeverBeen2DW]

I am the opposite. I have one child a son and my greatest regret in life thus far is not having had more kids. Now life has found me as a single mother and if I have another baby I will be doing it as a single mother and I am truly single and thinking about being inseminated. I waited to long and now I deeply regret it. My son is lonely as an only child. He does not share well, he does not play by himself as others have said their only child does and I really think he would benefit from having a sibling. Plus I had him later in life. I was 36 when he was born. When I pass away I want him to have a brother or sister to turn to. Put it this way when I am 80 he will be 44. I do want his family to end with my death one day.

 

[jodifla]

I am the opposite. I have one child a son and my greatest regret in life thus far is not having had more kids. Now life has found me as a single mother and if I have another baby I will be doing it as a single mother and I am truly single and thinking about being inseminated. I waited to long and now I deeply regret it. My son is lonely as an only child. He does not share well, he does not play by himself as others have said their only child does and I really think he would benefit from having a sibling. Plus I had him later in life. I was 36 when he was born. When I pass away I want him to have a brother or sister to turn to. Put it this way when I am 80 he will be 44. I do want his family to end with my death one day.

I'm sorry things are working out as you planned.

I will say, as an only child, there are ways to compensate. My parents made sure I had lots of exposure to other kids..I have tons of friends, and a close group of friends I've had 20 or 30 years or more.

Your DS will likely marry, bringing that family into the fold, and have his own kids.

Good luck if you decide to have another! I think, since you truly want it so much, it could work out quite well.

 

[connorlevismom]

I guess I never worry about Connor not getting enough social activities. He is in daycare so has many friends there and in my opinion, kids don't need to be entertained 24 hours a day. It is OK for them to spend some time alone sometimes. But that is JMO. I guess it is good that I have at least a few things that I don't worry about should I choose to just have him.

Kristine

 

[GraysMom]

Another thing to consider is that an only child has no siblings to lean on when the parents get older/pass away. In an extreme example, I am watching my friend trying to support his fragile mom and two aunts who never had children. He has no siblings and is trying to help 3 elderly relatives.

While, in theory, having multiple children to bear the burden of caring for elderly parents is nice, it's not always the case. My grandparents have two children. My mom, who has 4 grown kids of her own, does ALL the work with my GPs. My uncle (mom's brother) has only one grown child and does absolutely nothing for his parents. Both my mom and uncle work full time and live about the same distance away from their parents, it's just that my uncle, for some bizarre reason, feels no responsibility towards his parents, even though they have supported him in everything he does (many years of grad school they paid for, going to watch him play drums in his band, treating his daughter the same as my brothers and I, etc.) It really burns me to see how hurt my GPs are by my uncle's lack of action.

Along the same line, I am the oldest of 4 kids and the only girl. Even though my parents are only in their mid 50's, I can already tell you that my middle brother will do nothing to help my parents as they age. He's already so wrapped up in himself and doing what makes him happiest, that he won't even consider helping out someone else unless he stands to gain financially from it.

Just something else to consider.

Note: DH and I have one son who's almost 2, and we're pretty sure we're done. I haven't had any urges, even when holding my friend's new baby, which really surprised me (I was known as a baby hog until DS was born). I'm sure I'll probably catch flack from my parents about this decision, but they've got 3 other kids who can have kids too, so I don't want to hear it from them.

 

[reggiemcp]

Hi

I am the mom of a 28 month old boy. We struggled with infertility for several years before being lucky enough to conceive with the help of a wonderful doctor. I am crazy about being a Mom and love my son more than I ever could have imagined possible. I also struggle with this issue. Emotionally my husband and I feel we do not want to go down the fertility treatment path again, it was tough and exhausting. I am also 42 and worry that there may be problems with pregnancy (if I even got that far), so unless God has other plans for me, my son is also going to be an only.

I am the 5th child of 6 and loved growing up in big family. We are still close to this day. I sometimes worry that my son will miss out on so much because he won't have the experience of siblings. I also worry about growing older and having him watch out for us all by himself.

I am ok with it most of time, but it still does get me sometimes. I guess the best we can do it make peace with whatever life has in store for us.

I only wish I had know about my fertility issues sooner, I was married at 32 and we waited 5 years before trying. I would have started sooner, but I cannot turn back the clock.

I just remind myself that I am already incredibly blessed to be a Mommy!

People often feel the need to ask me when I will have another and I say that I was blessed once already, and whatever God has planned . I don't feel like giving out the gory details of my life.

Just remember we don't have to justify our choices to anyone, and not everyone needs to know our business.

So good luck with whatever choice you make.