Feeling guilty because I only want one child

[Fintastic]

I come here to get excited for our trip that's still a year off. 'Cuz I'm a dork.

 

[connorlevismom]

Thank you all again for all your wisdom. I am cursed in life with a personality that worries about EVERYTHING! It drives me crazy sometimes! I have really been thinking hard about what you all have said and it all makes sense. My feelings on this may change and I am open to that. But I want to WANT a child. I know that I will not be a good mother if I just have another one for the sake of Connor having a sibling. That is silly to me. And honestly, that is the ONLY reason that I can think of right now and that is just not enough.

In fact, I asked DH this morning about it all and he thinks he wants another one. But when it comes down to it, I really think that he would vote against it if we were making a decision right now. We really like our life like it is. But that may change and like I said, I am open to that.

I totally agree with the poster who talked about age gaps. I actually want a larger age gap between my children if I do have anymore. I just don't think that I can handle having 2 that are toddlers.

Kristine

 

[connorlevismom]

I come here to get excited for our trip that's still a year off. 'Cuz I'm a dork.

Nope, not a dork at all. If that were the case we would all be dorks!


Kristine

 

[Fintastic]

I totally agree with the poster who talked about age gaps. I actually want a larger age gap between my children if I do have anymore. I just don't think that I can handle having 2 that are toddlers.

I knew for sure that I wasn't going for 2-in-2. I thought a 3-4 year gap sounded good. Now a 4-5 year gap sounds good. Or maybe even 5-6.

 

[4EverFigment]

I am an only child, an only grand-child; my son is an only times three. And none of us would change that for anything (my grandmother, my father, myself, my son).

For me the benefits of only having one child far outweigh the considerations I've seen mentioned above, for example having a sibling support network when older family members become frail and in need of care. Personally, my only-ness has taught me how to build and secure exceptionally strong relationships with people of my own choosing; I'm not stuck with a sister or brother, I don't have to consider them when I make choices, and I don't have to worry about what they might think etc.

It's less expensive over time with only one. College, wedding, car insurance, health insurance, food, clothing, orthodontist, and so on.

The relationship between the child and parent is much stronger (at least in my experience).

People are going to get upset with me for this but bear with me a minute; onlies generally do well in school (notice I didn't say 'better'). They have the full and undivided attention of their parents, and as they progress through skill levels, the parents are refreshed and move along as well.

My family fits into any car, and any average resturant table without an extra wait time.

No hand-me-downs.

No having to share toys.

Everyone has their own bedroom.

Finally, I know that parents of more than one child know that there is no limit to the love in your heart, but I don't have to worry about trying to love more than one child; he knows he's my favorite; I'm not juggling schedules; we always agree on where to go on vacation; I only went through diapers once; I'm not fighting the "he/she can do it why can't I" rivalry; the list goes on.

Don't feel guilty or bad or wrong if you just want one. As has been said before, you can have more later if you want; adoption is wonderful and more people should turn to that anyway.

good luck

peace
figgy

 

[jodifla]

I am an only child, an only grand-child; my son is an only times three. And none of us would change that for anything (my grandmother, my father, myself, my son).

For me the benefits of only having one child far outweigh the considerations I've seen mentioned above, for example having a sibling support network when older family members become frail and in need of care. Personally, my only-ness has taught me how to build and secure exceptionally strong relationships with people of my own choosing; I'm not stuck with a sister or brother, I don't have to consider them when I make choices, and I don't have to worry about what they might think etc.

It's less expensive over time with only one. College, wedding, car insurance, health insurance, food, clothing, orthodontist, and so on.

The relationship between the child and parent is much stronger (at least in my experience).

People are going to get upset with me for this but bear with me a minute; onlies generally do well in school (notice I didn't say 'better'). They have the full and undivided attention of their parents, and as they progress through skill levels, the parents are refreshed and move along as well.

My family fits into any car, and any average resturant table without an extra wait time.

No hand-me-downs.

No having to share toys.

Everyone has their own bedroom.

Finally, I know that parents of more than one child know that there is no limit to the love in your heart, but I don't have to worry about trying to love more than one child; he knows he's my favorite; I'm not juggling schedules; we always agree on where to go on vacation; I only went through diapers once; I'm not fighting the "he/she can do it why can't I" rivalry; the list goes on.

Don't feel guilty or bad or wrong if you just want one. As has been said before, you can have more later if you want; adoption is wonderful and more people should turn to that anyway.

good luck

peace
figgy

You make a lot of good points. Here's another one that I think most people never talk about: You can keep a closer eye safety-wise on only one child. The more you have, the more you have to split your attention.

 

[Fintastic]

I definitely knew that I'd never have more kids than bedrooms. I had to share a room with my sister growing up and I hated it. I do think kids need their own space.

 

[connorlevismom]

I am an only child, an only grand-child; my son is an only times three. And none of us would change that for anything (my grandmother, my father, myself, my son).

For me the benefits of only having one child far outweigh the considerations I've seen mentioned above, for example having a sibling support network when older family members become frail and in need of care. Personally, my only-ness has taught me how to build and secure exceptionally strong relationships with people of my own choosing; I'm not stuck with a sister or brother, I don't have to consider them when I make choices, and I don't have to worry about what they might think etc.

It's less expensive over time with only one. College, wedding, car insurance, health insurance, food, clothing, orthodontist, and so on.

The relationship between the child and parent is much stronger (at least in my experience).

People are going to get upset with me for this but bear with me a minute; onlies generally do well in school (notice I didn't say 'better'). They have the full and undivided attention of their parents, and as they progress through skill levels, the parents are refreshed and move along as well.

My family fits into any car, and any average resturant table without an extra wait time.

No hand-me-downs.

No having to share toys.

Everyone has their own bedroom.

Finally, I know that parents of more than one child know that there is no limit to the love in your heart, but I don't have to worry about trying to love more than one child; he knows he's my favorite; I'm not juggling schedules; we always agree on where to go on vacation; I only went through diapers once; I'm not fighting the "he/she can do it why can't I" rivalry; the list goes on.

Don't feel guilty or bad or wrong if you just want one. As has been said before, you can have more later if you want; adoption is wonderful and more people should turn to that anyway.

good luck

peace
figgy

Wow, thank you so much for this post. You have so many good points and so many of the things you mentioned are reasons why I only want one. But thank you for sharing your experience not only as an only, but as a parent of an only.

Kristine

 

[connorlevismom]

I definitely knew that I'd never have more kids than bedrooms. I had to share a room with my sister growing up and I hated it. I do think kids need their own space.

Same here. I would never have more kids than bedrooms.

Kristine

 

[thirtycats]

This thread is helping me to remember how thankful I am for having an only child!!!

Thank you...to all of you!!!

 

[sara74]

I have one child.

I planned to have 3, but the day my son was born, I knew I wanted only one. And it wasn't about a painful childbirth or anything like that. I just knew in my heart I wanted to be a family of 3.

I love having only one child. And I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

QUOTE]

I too only have 1 - she is going to be 7 on 11/15. I feel the same as thirtycats. It just clicked that wonderful day when DD was born - she was it and that was that.

Yes there are days that she says that she wants to have a brother or a sister. Do I feel bad about it - sometimes. We got a lot of agruments from family about only having 1 - we just told them that it is our life/our family. We are going to make the decisions. Do I worry about the "what if's" - you bet! But, you can't go thru life worrying about things that you have no control over - life is way too short to do that.

Enjoy your decision and don't worry about the what if's.

I'm suezpqt's little sister and I will fess up to giving her a hard time at first! (Don't know why since we fought a lot as kids... )

Now I use my big sister as an example for others who talk about not being sure if they want another kid. My niece is a great kid, she's fun and funny and sweet and has lots of friends. Suezpqt's family is a great one BECAUSE they have one kid and BECAUSE that's all they wanted so they are happy with their choice.

Besides, I'm one of those nuts with 3 kids under 5! If they ever want another kid in the house they could always come borrow one of ours!!!


PS Love ya, sis

 

[traviesojmt]

I have to say that I see absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty. After our DS (now 9) was born, my DH and I decided that we were completely happy with our family and that we were not going to have any more children. Of course, family members and friends kept asking us when we were going to give our son a brother or sister. We just told them that we were happy with the family we had and left it at that. This is really only a choice that you can make. Whatever you decide, do not make the decision out of guilt. Now, having said all of that. When my DS started school, I got the baby bug big time. I shocked my DH when I decided that I really wanted to have another baby. He was hesitant at first but he really started to get into the idea as well. When my DS was almost 6, our DD (now 3) was born. Of course, now I can't imagine not having both of my children. If someday you decide that you want another child, then great. If not, that is great too. I hope that you can let the guilt go.

 

[luckey-lasvegas]

I only have to spend a few hours with my 2 nieces squabbling to remember why we only have one DD9. She is the light of my life. When she was around 4 or 5 I asked her and my husband if they wanted to have a baby and they both said no. Since I was then 35 I decided that our family of 3 was probably for the best. What my DD thinks she wants is a big sister . I don't worry about her being alone in life I know that she has cousins and aunts and uncles who adore her and I hope that she will be blessed and find a nice person to start her own loving family someday.

 

[Honeymooner04]

What a great post! I too am struggling with the decision of whether or not to have another baby. I love my daughter more than I ever thought I could (as I'm sure you other mom's understand) and would love to have the opportunity to love someone else that much. That said, I love love love being a family of 3. We have the extra money to do all the extras that might not be a possibility if we had more children. My husband travels a lot for work so it's just me and my daughter quite a lot so it's not a problem for she and I to do something big like take a quick trip together or something mundane like just go to the mall (she's 8 months old). I don't think it would be quite so enjoyable if I had 2 kids to take care of. We get a lot of the same guilt that we should give our daughter a sibling but neither my husband or I get along with our siblings so honestly that part doesn't sound so appealing. I like to think though that if we did have more children that they would get along but you never know. Anyway, I guess the point of my post is pretty much the same of the previous posters in that you just have to do what is right for YOUR family and do your best to ignore all the outside opinions.

 

[finz2left]

I have three amazing kiddos. Each one is completely different -- and I mean completely! Before they were born, I knew I would have 4. And, when the last was born, I realized 3 was enough....our family just felt "right" and "perfect" and "complete." If I would have felt so strongly after #1, I would have stopped right there!

There are no set rules, no right and wrongs with how many (okay, I question the families with a bazillion kids living in a 3 bedroom house and homeschooling in Arkansas -- have you seen that show????!!) but anyway, follow your heart!! If 1 makes your family complete, than 1 is perfect!

Trust me, save your guilt for other things. As a parent, you'll need it

 

[connorlevismom]

I asked DH this morning if he really thought he wanted another kid. He said that yes, he thinks that he does. I asked him if he could tell me why and he said "because I don't want him to be an only child, I want him to have a sibling". I explained to him that I have really been thinking about it and that I have made a list in my mind of pro's and con's. The only pro I could come up with was to give Connor a sibling. I then went on to explain to him that I just don't think that is a good enough reason to have another one. He just nodded and kept shaving. I am not going to push him as I don't need an answer from him right away. I am just hoping that he really thinks about it.

Kristine

 

[blessedby3]

I am the parent of 3 wonderful children. I always knew that I wanted more than one, but until myfirst DD was about 4 I didnt have that strong urge to have another. I just couldnt imagine having another to keep up with and I didnt feel like I wanted to "share the love" so to speak. I got pregnant and miscarried when DD was 4 1/2 and was devastated. I realized then that I did really want another at that point and went on to get pregnant again and had DS when DD was 5 1/2. This was a great age gap for us. Third DD came along 3 years later and we breifly considered a 4th, but DD#3 was such a handful we opted to go with 3. Now, Im looking at 40 next month and my youngest is turning 8 this month and I really wish we had gone on and had the 4th. Oh well, just dont think I could do it now and would worry the whole time about the pregnancy and baby being healthy so guess we will stick with 3.
I say all of this to show you that things do change and while you may not want another baby today, you might in a year or even a few. That maternal urge may hit you when you least expect it and then you can make a decision then. My only regret is not acting on the "urge" I had after 3rdDD came along. I would love to have that 4th right now.
Your DS will be fine with whatever you and your DH decide. There are many children that grow up being "onlys".

 

[Desnik]

I think you should feel very good about the fact you are thinking this out rationally and not jumping into having more children just to give your child a sibling. It is a big decision. You do what is right for you and your family. Don't feel guilty!!
I do have to say that after I had DD I felt the same way as you. I was so content with just her. I didn't have that feeling to have another baby when she was 3 either. Then she got older, and by the time she was 4 and a half, I all of a sudden wanted another baby! Not because I wanted her to have a sibling, but for lots of other reasons. I can't imagine my life without DS and to see them together is so special. We are trying for a third too!!! So my advice is to not feel guilty if you choose to just have one child, but remember, you can change your mind as time goes on.

 

[connorlevismom]

You guys are right, I can change my mind. I am only 32 and I have a few good baby carrying years ahead of me if I choose. I am seeing all of these stories about how you knew that your last one was going to be your last. I don't get that feeling so I am wondering if maybe someday I will change my mind. Either way, I really appreciate you all sharing your stories with me. It is really helping me not feel so crazy!

Kristine

 

[jenrose66]

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting only one child. For as long as I have considered children I always knew I'd want one baby. (of course in my mind it was always a little girl, but instead god has blessed me with a boy and I couldn't imagine it any other way).

I love Jack with all my heart and I don't feel like he'll be robbed if I don't have another baby. On the contrary, he'll have mine and dh's full attention. He can have cousins and friends to play with so he won't be lonely. Also, by keeping our family small we'll have more money to contribute to DS. We can take him on nice vacations and set up a decent college fund.

Now, I'm not saying for sure that we won't have another baby, but if we don't, it's perfectly ok.