Feeling down - Family & Holidays - long - sorry

[pandora174]

My family & I have never been particularly close since my mom died 20 years ago. She was the head of the family & kept us all in line We are 4 siblings. I am the youngest at 40, with my sisters 60, 58 & brother 55.

So before my DS was born my DH & I made a decision to distance ourselves, approximately 7 years ago. The reasons are many but primarily these : My family (once my mother passed) made it very clear they never liked DH b/c while hispanic he is not from the same nationality & he is not a college grad so they always looked down on him. That was the first issue. DH went through alot for my sake to keep the peace in those first couple of years.

Then the big whopper - when I was carrying DS & delivered prematurely & he was in the NICU 17 days & I developed complications from the birth & was in the hospital 10 days they never came to visit. Why ? Because my older sister called just as I was being wheeled back to my room, told they had to remove a foot of my small intestine & that I couldn't see DS in the NICU for 3 days (the nurse brought me a polaroid of DS all hooked up with tubes). I was hysterical & DH was overwrought & he asked my sister & his relatives & all our friends to please give us at least 1 day before visiting me because I was too distraught & he was just going crazy trying to keep my condition & filling me in on DS in the NICU all day. The Dr. finally sedated me for the first 24 hours. My sisters were insulted & never came to see him.

Then there is the religion issue - I won't get into it since it's prohibited here on the DIS but we DO NOT want our DS exposed to their religious views (trust me it's bad). Then I am too Americanized. Yes, you heard it right. I came from Cuba at 5 months & while I love my Cuban heritage I consider myself an American first. As to my brother I never knew him growing up, he came to this country about 15 years ago.

In the last few years as my sisters & brother have gotten older I've tried to make some type peace with them. We'll speak on the phone (my sisters) & they might see DS 1x a year. My brother has never met DS though he was invited multiple times (always an excuse).

So every holiday I always get the blues. I think of my mom & how this would make her sad. I try & extend an olive branch & invite them to DS church recital but I'll get a lame excuse. Or just today saw on Facebook that they all got together for Thanksgiving & didn't say a word to me but visiting DS is too far (they live 45 min. away). Not even a call to say Happy Thanksgiving. I sent everyone a Happy Thanksgiving text message.

& please don't think a one way street about visiting. I know as my sisters have gotten older they don't like to drive & we have gone to my sister's home (oldest one's house) last year but middle sister & my brother did not have the time to stop by sigh (they live 10 minutes from each other & the visit was planned a month in advance)... As to middle sister (she has the most extreme religious views) it is her home & I would never ask her to remove what to her is a religious item but she is insulted that I do not want my DS exposed to that.

DH says to let it go. We had an awesome Thanksgiving by ourselves ! I cooked all day, DS helped, we decorated the house. Our church is wonderful. But I hear all my co-worker's get together & I wonder why can't my family be like that. Oh well...thanks for listening, now back to work

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am headed towards 45 and I do not live a day mulling over my past anymore. If I think of something it is a blip and I move on. Takes some practice but you can get really good at it.

Acceptance of reality is key. I am looking at my days being numbered in my 40's and I have to work on my bucket list.

Refocus and slowly let things go.

 

[Disney Doll]

First....

Second...I think Hallmark, society or whomever has convinced us that family is all about everyone sitting around the Christmas tree (or the Thanksgiving turkey or the Hannnukah menorah) holding hands, smiling adoringly at each other, and singing carols. When, in reality, sometimes family stinks and they are the first ones who will hurt you because they know your (the universal "you"...not you specifically, OP) weak spots.

It sounds like your family was always sort of like this, save for your mother's efforts and no one wanting to incur her wrath, so they did what they had to do to keep the peace. But rest assured, your mother up in Heaven sees and understands more than you will ever know about your current situation with your family. She's not disappointed....she knows you are doing the best you can with what you have to work with.

You need to let it go. You have what sounds like a terrific family with DH & your children, he sounds like a wonderful, loving man, especially to have put up with a lot of stuff from your family while your mother was still alive...clearly he loves you. So, tell yourself that YOU try your best and it is their choice to divorce themselves from you, and they are missing out on your wonderful family and isn't it too bad for them. perhaps they are jealous fo your happines, perhaps they are just nasty, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.... but the bottom line is that you can't let them get you down.

 

[Mom-to-2-Princesses]

I'm sorry.

 

[monkeybug]

Like others have said, sometimes it's just best to just accept that your family won't ever be what you would like it to be. Love your siblings in spite of who they are, include them in your life in any way you can, and then go ahead and live your life and celebrate your holidays in a way that makes you happy!! Our ideas of what makes a Merry Christmas can be very different, there is nothing wrong with you having your version and them having theirs.
If you miss having a bunch of people to celebrate with and that warm holiday family feeling, why not open your home to others who might feel a little lonely this year? People in a nursing home, soldiers stationed far from home, a family like yours who has strained family ties or who lives too far to travel to family. We are often far from family on Holidays, we have had to think of lot's of creative ways to make them feel "special"...and you know what? I think we love Holidays even more because of that!

 

[kafitty]

i know the feeling.

my mom is the youngest of 9...doesn't talk to ANY of her siblings, for a variety of reasons.

i'm an adult and very well could have a relationship with them if i really tried, i suppose, but now we're 2 decades behind, and i understand and support my mom's reasons for not having a relationship with them, so...it's probably not going to happen.

it makes me sad sometimes. holidays are a drag. i see my step-families FAR more than my biological families, and though i've been a part of my step-parent's lives since i was 2 or 3, i do still feel a little bit like an outsider.

i do get a bit bummed out when i hear about everyone having all of their family over for the holidays and all of the aunts/uncles/cousins they adore and get to see and hang out with...i don't have that.

so, no advice, just another & my understanding!!

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

I am headed towards 45 and I do not live a day mulling over my past anymore. If I think of something it is a blip and I move on. Takes some practice but you can get really good at it.

Acceptance of reality is key. I am looking at my days being numbered in my 40's and I have to work on my bucket list.

Refocus and slowly let things go.

Boy, this is very timely in my life right now. I made a huge decision last week about keeping a toxic relative out of my life. Haven't seen my mom since then (she's not the toxic one...well, she is too, but she's 86, and I've made the decision to be there for her for the rest of her life), but I'm going to be in SO much trouble when I tell her! Seriously...I'm going to get in trouble, at 51. It's ridiculous.

OP...I grew up with big Italian holidays. My family moved when I was 15, and as other families grew, holidays split up. Years ago, we started going to Universal Orlando for Thanksgiving in order to have ONE holiday that my family could enjoy without this toxic person around.

Enjoy the holidays with the ones you love, without the drama.

 

[Pakey]

I quit doing the family thing 10 years ago, also due to a toxic relative (brother), and I've never looked back. I'm in my mid 50's, it broke my elderly parents' hearts, but I had to do what was right for my family. Honestly, I don't miss it at all. Our sons are grown with families of their own and we put no pressure on them to see us either. My husband and I usually go see a movie on the actual holiday and get together with the kids on non-holiday occasions.