feel like quiting (venting really)

[UserNameDoesNotExist]

Sorry to go anon on this one (I am a regular), but the OH reads this forum too and I don't want him to see this. But I just really needed to vent a bit.

I am self employed, I usually love my job and I am quite good at it (I tend to get quite a lot of industry recognition). But on the other hand, it only takes the slightest thing to make me feel down, sometimes to the point of that I feel like quiting.
Within my industry (it's not a very big one, but pretty much a global one) there are a lot of cliques (sp?), a whole bunch of politics, secrets, histories, backstabbing, ... you name it. And it just gets me down. I usually start of the day quite happy, in the mood to do good work, but then I read something on a community board and I will take it too personally. Either someone posts something that is so great that it makes me feel insignificant. Or at other times, people are saying things how "others" do this that and the other and how those things are not the done thing anymore, ... and I will take this as a reference to some of the things I do.
For example, the other day some people on the forum were talking about a new piece of equipment and how great it is, and if you are not using it, you are faking it and it never is as good. And the way one of the guys was saying things, really sounded to me like references to some of the ways I work, in other words, it sounded to me like he was talking down my work. Now, this guys saying these things is someone who I have in the past sent work to that I couldn't take. He has never said thank you. I know there weren't any direct references to me, but this is the way I read things. A bit paranoid I know, but that's my problem.
It takes about all of 30 seconds to get me from feeling on a high to pretty darn pathetically low. Even when people tell me that I've done great work and they look up to me, I will never fully believe it. Well, I might believe that they honestly think that way, but it will not convince me. I've won some major industry awards, which felt great (and still does), but I will talk them down, saying that the competition that year wasn't that hard to beat. And then there are other awards which I haven't won and I will place for greater importance on those. Which then get me down again. I probably have the lowest self esteem possible. OH thinks I just need more confidence in my work, and will do anything to make me feel better. But I won't even take that, as I will say it's a biased opinion. But OH is right, I need more confidence, but where the hell should I get it???
About every 5 months or so, I get down. I feel like quiting the whole industry, wonder what I'm doing here, if it all matters, ... Then I think, what else can I do, and there isn't anything. This is the only job I've ever had, it's the only thing I'm good at.
What's wrong with me??? In general, I'm pretty happy with my life (although the finances could really do with a bit of a boost), but then these things come along and all I want to do is crawl back into bed and make the world disappear.

 

[Booknut]

I think a lot of us do go through periods of insecurity and frustration with work. I would maybe go talk to a counsellor, sometimes talking things over with someone who is a stranger is easier and they are completely impartial about everything and can certainly help you with your worries about work and how quickly you think you go from being happy to sad.

It could be career burnount, is it possible to take a career break? Or there might be others things at play. I think it couldn't hurt to speak to your GP and maybe get a referral to a counsellor or go see one privately.

 

[joolz1910]

You don't seem to have a lot of self-esteem but I think the main issue is that you think people are against you. In my experience this is rarely true - people are too self-absorbed to plot against you! We all make comments which are not aimed at anyone in particular but that others may take personally. Look at an innocent comment you have made about the 'competition that year wasn't that hard to beat' - now imagine a colleague saying that about a project /award that they 'beat' you in...do you see what I mean? We often say things innocently but people interpret it in a personal way.

There are some back-stabbers out there but they will be recognised by others for what they are. The only opinions that matter to me are those belonging to the people I respect. You are clearly good at your job but you perhaps need to leave the job behind at the end of the day. I know it's a cliché but you should 'work to live, not live to work.' I hope you feel better soon, it's awful to be stressed and perhaps you should get signed off for a little while?

 

[emily1982]

I think everyone has times in their career when they think everyone is better and need reasurrance. I used to ask for reasurrance constantly. But then i think, well i still have a job so i can't be doing that much wrong.

Is there anyway you could do your job without reading forums about it?

I know there are load of education posts on forums (not so much this forum) and i must admit i ignore them, as education is my job and when i come home i just need to chill away from work stuff.

Forums are places where alot of people speak their mind and be very blunt, therefore not thinking about others views and opinions. Everyone does things differently and brings different skills and techniques to a job, that doesnt make one person right or wrong just makes us all different and thats how we learn.

If you ever read a thread just think, well thats how that person does it but i prefer to do it this way, it works and i know it works so thats the way i will do it. Maybe even have a break from the forums.

Why don't you ask your customers to write some references for you?? Almost like a guest book. Tell them its just to promote your work but honestly i would use it as a confidence boost. At the end of the day everyone can only do their best and nobody is perfect, but everyone is different.

 

[mark&sue]

some good advice already given and try to keep off the forums that upset you. what you don't read won't upset you.

Hope you feel better soon


susan