Father's Day Dinner Advice needed....

[tlbwriter]

Is the real problem that you don't get to spend time with FIL when the GF is there? Are you not able to be open, or laugh about old times, or something else that she actually inhibits? Or is the real problem that you don't like her and don't want to spend time with her?

 

[tar heel]

I think this would be easier if you (or at least your DH) saw him more often, so each visit is not quite as big a deal. I'm an only child and my parents live 2 and a half hours away. Until my mom got sick recently, I spent the night there about once a year. I did day trips and met them at the roughly equidistant Cracker Barrel. Most of the visits do not involve DH and some are just me.

My 92-year-old FIL lives about the same distance away (not at the same place -- that would be too easy!) and has a girlfriend. They stay together about half the time. Sometimes our visits coincide with when she is there and sometimes they don't. We do about half day trips and half one-night trips to see him.

Honestly, if your FIL has been seeing his GF for four years and wants her to come to the dinner, I would graciously accept her as my guest.

As far as having a "friend" when your spouse is still alive, I think most of us have no idea what we would do until faced with it, so I'm not going to criticize.

 

[arminnie]

LOL, then I must be channeling because I'm a girl.

I think I knew you were female - but it still sounds like "mantalk".

 

[Lassie Lynne]

So....I took your advice and talked to my FIL about the weekend plans and actually found out why he asked for the Girlfriend to be invited. Apparently, his other closest relative, his cousin (female) who is very close to him, who has met the girlfriend a couple of times invited him out to dinner. The girlfriend was not invited...not sure if this was oversight or what (I suspect that is was not oversight due to the many issues that our family has had with this lady...she really has treated the few relatives FIL has badly). So, the girlfriend spent the whole day and night mad and made a big fuss for several days and he doesn't want that to happen again.

We agreed to having Father's Day dinner just family and then the other night we are there having dinner with him and girlfriend, he seemed happy with this. If girlfriend starts giving him grief, then I will personally call her and graciously invite her to dinner so that FIL doesn't have to deal with the grief.

 

[powellrj]

So....I took your advice and talked to my FIL about the weekend plans and actually found out why he asked for the Girlfriend to be invited. Apparently, his other closest relative, his cousin (female) who is very close to him, who has met the girlfriend a couple of times invited him out to dinner. The girlfriend was not invited...not sure if this was oversight or what (I suspect that is was not oversight due to the many issues that our family has had with this lady...she really has treated the few relatives FIL has badly). So, the girlfriend spent the whole day and night mad and made a big fuss for several days and he doesn't want that to happen again.

We agreed to having Father's Day dinner just family and then the other night we are there having dinner with him and girlfriend, he seemed happy with this. If girlfriend starts giving him grief, then I will personally call her and graciously invite her to dinner so that FIL doesn't have to deal with the grief.

sounds like a plan!

 

[Lassie Lynne]

Is the real problem that you don't get to spend time with FIL when the GF is there? Are you not able to be open, or laugh about old times, or something else that she actually inhibits? Or is the real problem that you don't like her and don't want to spend time with her?

All of the above. When she is there, she modulates the conversation to include only topics she wants to discuss and our family is not one that is open to discussion....only her family and her life are topics. She doesn't give us any free time with FIL, she has to be included in everything. She has known me for 4 years and still cannot call me by my correct first name. She literally drives my DH to the point where he cannot stand to be in the same room as her after a few hours, I am a little more diplomatic and excessively patient, but after a while, even I need to leave the room for a few minutes breather.

 

[Lassie Lynne]

First off, 2.5 hours is not a bad drive at all. I routinely take "day trips" to our local beach and it is a minimum of 3 hours away. I could easily make that trip in one day to your FIL's area. Is it ideal? No.

Just leave early in the morning, visit with MIL in the nursing facility, and go for a somewhat early dinner (which is a good idea on Father's Day anyway).

My DH cannot physically do a "day" trip like that, if you count all of the driving we would do to go all the places, that is over 8 - 9 hours of driving (not including the Nursing Home and dinner time and FIL sometimes has errands that we help him with). I would still have to take the next day off even if I took a day trip, so I still loose two days of pay. We have found that doing a two-night stay (although not the cheapest way) is the easiest way.

 

[Lassie Lynne]

How about suggesting a nice home cooked meal on one day, and suggesting to FIL he should invite whomever he'd like. QUOTE]

I would LOVE to be able to do that, but alas, I would have to pack up half of my kitchen since FIL has absolutely no kitchen equipment, he only eats out or makes sandwhiches. When FIL was sick and in the hospital, we had to go out and buy several things just to get by for the few weeks that we spent up there. FIL then donated them later. The man didn't even have a sharp knife and I couldn't get the burners to work.....at least the kitchen is kept clean .

 

[Lassie Lynne]

I think I knew you were female - but it still sounds like "mantalk".

If this was my grandpa, then the mantalk would probably be right on target....he is 90 going on 19..... What a guy

 

[poohfriend77]

It sounds like you've got a good plan for Father's Day. But in the future, would you consider having your FIL come visit you, instead? If he doesn't drive (or doesn't drive long distances, or at night, etc.) you might have to go get him. I know 5 hours round trip doesn't sound ideal, but it would let you have him all to yourselves for a few days.

 

[Lassie Lynne]

It sounds like you've got a good plan for Father's Day. But in the future, would you consider having your FIL come visit you, instead? If he doesn't drive (or doesn't drive long distances, or at night, etc.) you might have to go get him. I know 5 hours round trip doesn't sound ideal, but it would let you have him all to yourselves for a few days.

We have tried that too, even offered to buy him the train ticket. I think he is concerned that if he leaves the city, that will be the exact time MIL will take a turn for the worse and he won't be there.

 

[poohfriend77]

We have tried that too, even offered to buy him the train ticket. I think he is concerned that if he leaves the city, that will be the exact time MIL will take a turn for the worse and he won't be there.

Ah, that makes sense. to you for dealing with an all-around difficult situation. I hope you all have a great Father's Day!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Lassie Lynne,

I will just post my thoughts and be very blunt here.

Your feelings are totally understandable! And, everyone has a right to their feelings!

However, you seem to have some personal issues with your FIL and his situation with his new companion. ( as well as counting every minute, mile, and dollar when you occasionally visit him ) You need to just own up to the fact that those are YOUR issues, and he has no responsibility to you personally.

If your husband wants some one-on-one time with his father without this new companion... That is fine, and great..... and is well within his rights to request. "Dad, I just want to spend to time with just YOU on 'father's day'.....

IMHO, your FIL would be wrong to deny this...
But, again that would, in fact, be his right.

Sometimes things are not about you...
Sometimes one has to set their own personal differences aside for the overall well being.

Talk to your husband...
Let him make the call...
Vow to go with whatever comes without any undue negativity and stress.

As people have said...
This is an 80 year old man.
You are not getting any younger.
Life is short...
Be happy!

 

[dis-happy]

So....I took your advice and talked to my FIL about the weekend plans and actually found out why he asked for the Girlfriend to be invited. Apparently, his other closest relative, his cousin (female) who is very close to him, who has met the girlfriend a couple of times invited him out to dinner. The girlfriend was not invited...not sure if this was oversight or what (I suspect that is was not oversight due to the many issues that our family has had with this lady...she really has treated the few relatives FIL has badly). So, the girlfriend spent the whole day and night mad and made a big fuss for several days and he doesn't want that to happen again.

We agreed to having Father's Day dinner just family and then the other night we are there having dinner with him and girlfriend, he seemed happy with this. If girlfriend starts giving him grief, then I will personally call her and graciously invite her to dinner so that FIL doesn't have to deal with the grief.

Boy, red flags there. She sounds very controlling, if not mentally abusive. Is it possible to follow up on this vein of conversation with him, letting him know that what she's doing to him isn't right? Do you think she's into his finances/money too? Can you contact a senior social worker to check in on his situation? I'd be less annoyed about the situation and more concerned for his welfare. It may get very ugly once your MIL does pass away.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, maybe some red flags....
She is clearly narcissistic and controlling!

However, this is still not about the OP.
And, if her husband seems unable to even ask for a few minutes time with his father... Then, really, there is nothing that can or will be done.

OP: If your husband does have any concerns about his father's well being (NOT your personal issues and feelings), would he find a way to 'ambush' his father, without this woman's presence, and try to find out what is really going on.

If FIL is in the relationship of his own free will... sometimes when people make their own bed, one just has to let them lie in it.

 

[Lassie Lynne]

I'd be less annoyed about the situation and more concerned for his welfare. It may get very ugly once your MIL does pass away.

Yep....we are concerned about that too, but are resigned to the fact that the relationship might be made permantely.

Luckily, we do have our cousin who does check up on things and would let us know if something was getting out of hand. This cousin is actually very involved with FIL (hence the dinner invitation recently) and he trusts the cousin, so that is a positive thing.

 

[Lassie Lynne]

However, this is still not about the OP.
And, if her husband seems unable to even ask for a few minutes time with his father... Then, really, there is nothing that can or will be done.

My DH and I are in total agreement regarding this situation, and DH has already said to his FIL that he would like the dinner to be just family. In fact, my DH actually prefers me handling this because I am the more diplomatic and tactful of the two of us.....and FIL actually also appreciates this fact too, he usually comes to me with bad news regarding MIL's health and I in turn tell DH.