Father's Day Dinner Advice needed....

[Lassie Lynne]

My FIL lives in 2.5 hours away. We try and go and visit him several times a year, but since that requires I take two extra days off work (I work on weekends) without any pay, it does make it a little hassle. My MIL is in a nursing home with dementia, has been for over 7 years (they are still married and FIL visits with her every week). My FIL has a girlfriend (his age) for the last 4 years. They have seperate apartments, but do many things together, but do have seperate friends, things they do, etc. DH and I are not too fond of the girlfriend, she is loud, very opinionated and bossy to FIL, but we act respectfully and politely to her. I also have issues that my MIL is still alive!!!

My DH and I have been planning on going to visit FIL for Father's day weekend. When making me plans, we told him for Father's Day, we wanted to take HIM out to dinner, either Saturday or Sunday, whichever he preferred. He told us where he wanted to go, and so we made plans for that evening. Now, whenever we go to visit, we always have this girlfriend crammed down our throat....we rarely get time with FIL without this girlfriend. We know that we will be seeing her during the weekend, there will be no way around it.

Problem:

FIL called DH today and said that he would feel "akward" if we did not invite the girlfriend to the Father's Day dinner . DH and I am so unhappy....we just wanted one evening with FAMILY....not her. Also, we really do not have the money to pay for another meal....we already have to pay for gas, tolls, hotel, other meals, etc.

I know the reason he wants her to go is that her family always invites my FIL to dinners, concerts, etc., but they live in the area and make at least double the money we do....for us to even visit our FIL it costs us more that if we took the four of us to an expensive dinner. And I cannot tell FIL that we cannot afford it, he will just suggest he pay everything....which we do not want.

Should I feel this way? Am I off-base about just wanted it the three of us the one evening? Am I being mean? I cannot talk to FIL re: our dislike of girlfriend, that would just make he alienated and hurt.

Has anyone out there ever encountered this situation??? I am really at a lost, it is getting so that my DH doesn't want to visit his father because of girlfriend.

 

[FredinFL]

I completely understand the way you feel, but I also think you need to feel how the FIL feels. HER family always includes him. Couldn't you include her on this day? You rarely forget the kindness you show someone.

I realize MIL is still alive, but let's be real here. He hasn't had a real companion in 7 years right? Let him live as he sees fit, MIL doesn't even know. Release and let go. You can't change it, don't let yourselves be hurt by it. It's not meant as an insult to her, but as a relief for him.

Just to give some background, my DSIL died to Good Fridays ago, before she even died, her dh was on the phone to his HS sweetheart, the "one who got away". When she died, he went to visit her less than a month after my SIL died, now, less than a year later, they are getting married. Bitter? Why bother? My SIL wanted him to be be happy, it took her two years to die from the cancer, she was gone from him for at least 18 months before she actually died. Life is short, be happy.

 

[Tink888]

My FIL lives in 2.5 hours away. We try and go and visit him several times a year, but since that requires I take two extra days off work (I work on weekends) without any pay, it does make it a little hassle. My MIL is in a nursing home with dementia, has been for over 7 years (they are still married and FIL visits with her every week). My FIL has a girlfriend (his age) for the last 4 years. They have seperate apartments, but do many things together, but do have seperate friends, things they do, etc. DH and I are not too fond of the girlfriend, she is loud, very opinionated and bossy to FIL, but we act respectfully and politely to her. I also have issues that my MIL is still alive!!!

My DH and I have been planning on going to visit FIL for Father's day weekend. When making me plans, we told him for Father's Day, we wanted to take HIM out to dinner, either Saturday or Sunday, whichever he preferred. He told us where he wanted to go, and so we made plans for that evening. Now, whenever we go to visit, we always have this girlfriend crammed down our throat....we rarely get time with FIL without this girlfriend. We know that we will be seeing her during the weekend, there will be no way around it.

Problem:

FIL called DH today and said that he would feel "akward" if we did not invite the girlfriend to the Father's Day dinner . DH and I am so unhappy....we just wanted one evening with FAMILY....not her. Also, we really do not have the money to pay for another meal....we already have to pay for gas, tolls, hotel, other meals, etc.

I know the reason he wants her to go is that her family always invites my FIL to dinners, concerts, etc., but they live in the area and make at least double the money we do....for us to even visit our FIL it costs us more that if we took the four of us to an expensive dinner. And I cannot tell FIL that we cannot afford it, he will just suggest he pay everything....which we do not want.

Should I feel this way? Am I off-base about just wanted it the three of us the one evening? Am I being mean? I cannot talk to FIL re: our dislike of girlfriend, that would just make he alienated and hurt.

Has anyone out there ever encountered this situation??? I am really at a lost, it is getting so that my DH doesn't want to visit his father because of girlfriend.

You are not wrong or off-base to feel this way. You feel how you feel.

That being said, your FIL sounds like a decent guy who is trying to remain a good husband to his wife but who is in need of companionship. He's human. This woman provides that and makes him happy. Since it is Father's Day and about him (his day), if it makes him happy to invite the girlfriend, bring her along. Enjoy dinner together and try to set aside some time during the course of the weekend where just you, your DH and FIL can spend some time together.

 

[FredinFL]

Said much better than I did!

 

[Lassie Lynne]

I realize MIL is still alive, but let's be real here. He hasn't had a real companion in 7 years right? Let him live as he sees fit, MIL doesn't even know.hurt by it. .

Actually, when they started dating, MIL was very alert and would have totally understood what was going on. This woman knew his situation and proceeded to repetedly ask him out on dates and he felt so guilty that he wouldn't even be seen in public with her because he was afraid MIL would find out and ask him about it.

 

[Lassie Lynne]

. Enjoy dinner together and try to set aside some time during the course of the weekend where just you, your DH and FIL can spend some time together.

The problem is, we will get no time with him at all......this dinner was to be the ONLY time we got with him. He has invited her to everything and she will be there every minute, the whole weekend, everywhere we go. They even live in the same apartment building, so she is always there when we visit, and trust me, it is not because she likes us, because she had made in known she does not.

Plus, if we do include her, DH and I will have to skip a meal in order to pay for her, our budget is close for this trip.

 

[holycow]

I'm so sorry for your situation. How horrible.

Your DH has to put up with his own father ditching his wife of how many years because he needs companionship. Wow, what happened to loyalty, till death do us part? I guess they forgot to add in the until I find a girlfriend and you go into a home part.

Sick and sad.....that others condone this kind of behavior.

Your poor DH.

What if your DH called his Dad and just said hey Dad. How about we come and visit you and MOM....for Fathers day. What would happen then?

 

[arminnie]

The following sounds like mantalk. Here's my translation in red.

I realize MIL is still alive, but let's be real here. He hasn't had a real companion in 7 years right? (no sex)Let him live as he sees fit, MIL doesn't even know. Release and let go. You can't change it, don't let yourselves be hurt by it. It's not meant as an insult to her, but as a relief for him (he needs sex).

Just to give some background, my DSIL died to Good Fridays ago, before she even died, her dh was on the phone to his HS sweetheart, the "one who got away". When she died, he went to visit her less than a month after my SIL died, now, less than a year later, they are getting married. Bitter? Why bother? My SIL wanted him to be be happy, it took her two years to die from the cancer, he was gone from him for at least 18 months before she actually died (not available for sex). Life is short, be happy.

Life is short - do what it takes to make you and your husband happy. Sounds like that means avoiding the annoying girlfriend.

 

[denisem]

I need more information - does your DH have siblings? In the area of FIL?

 

[Lassie Lynne]

I need more information - does your DH have siblings? In the area of FIL?

FIL is 80 years old. He still loves his wife and does take her care in total consideration. I don't think he ever loved any other woman besides his wife in his whole life and they have been married for in the 55 years. I don't think he is in love with his girlfriend either.....enjoys her company, yes, let's her run his life, yes, has done a few things that show bad judgement, yes...but he is honorable and has a good heart. DH actually is not as upset that FIL has a girlfriend as I am. Perhaps because I am a woman - perhaps because I know just how much this would hurt my MIL if she knew, had known or could understand what was happening. DH just wishes that the girlfriend was nicer and easier to get along with.

DH has no siblings, he is an only child. I live far from my family and they understand how my in-laws need all of the "family" time that I have available.

 

[DeniseinNS]

Make the plan so that you go to the nursing home to visit your MIL on the way to dinner, I bet the gf won't want to tag along to that. Or just tell your FIL that you would like to have some time with JUST him.

 

[mjkacmom]

You are going for Father's Day, to make FIL happy. This woman in his life has been his companion for 4 years! She makes him happy! I'm sure you visit as much as possible, but she is with him every single day. My IL's are in their 80's - at this point, they get a pass on everything. I'm grateful they're still around, and whatever makes them happy, we will do.

If I am ever in your MIL's situation, I want my DH to live a happy life. And if my kids have to put up with a woman that annoys them, they will have to get over it.

 

[scrapquitler]

My FIL lives in 2.5 hours away. We try and go and visit him several times a year, but since that requires I take two extra days off work (I work on weekends) without any pay, it does make it a little hassle.
I would make a 2.5 hour trip each way in one day to avoid taking an extra day off. Leave home at 7am. Arrive at FIL house by 10, spend the day together, leave for home by 4PM, you are home in time for dinner, with plenty of time to get a good night's sleep. Or go during the week. There;s always options.

My MIL is in a nursing home with dementia, has been for over 7 years (they are still married and FIL visits with her every week). My FIL has a girlfriend (his age) for the last 4 years. They have seperate apartments, but do many things together, but do have seperate friends, things they do, etc. DH and I are not too fond of the girlfriend, she is loud, very opinionated and bossy to FIL, but we act respectfully and politely to her. I also have issues that my MIL is still alive!!!

So your FIL should sit around waiting for her to die before he goes on with his life? Not your call. But I digress...

My DH and I have been planning on going to visit FIL for Father's day weekend. When making me plans, we told him for Father's Day, we wanted to take HIM out to dinner, either Saturday or Sunday, whichever he preferred. He told us where he wanted to go, and so we made plans for that evening. Now, whenever we go to visit, we always have this girlfriend crammed down our throat....we rarely get time with FIL without this girlfriend. We know that we will be seeing her during the weekend, there will be no way around it.

Problem:

FIL called DH today and said that he would feel "akward" if we did not invite the girlfriend to the Father's Day dinner . DH and I am so unhappy....we just wanted one evening with FAMILY....not her.

After 4 years, I guess he considers her as 'family'. Think back to when you and DH were dating, did your DH expect you to be included in 'family' functions once your relationship was serious? If so, what's the difference?
Also, we really do not have the money to pay for another meal....we already have to pay for gas, tolls, hotel, other meals, etc.

Go for the day, then you can save the hotel and other meals costs. Or go somewhere less expensive to eat. Or bring a picnic lunch and take him to a park for a picnic. Or tell him you don't have enough money and see if he'll kick some in. There are always options.

I know the reason he wants her to go is that her family always invites my FIL to dinners, concerts, etc., but they live in the area and make at least double the money we do....for us to even visit our FIL it costs us more that if we took the four of us to an expensive dinner. And I cannot tell FIL that we cannot afford it, he will just suggest he pay everything....which we do not want.

Should I feel this way? Am I off-base about just wanted it the three of us the one evening? Am I being mean? I cannot talk to FIL re: our dislike of girlfriend, that would just make he alienated and hurt.

It would be rude, and yes, it would hurt his feelings. You only have to see her a few times a year, if that much, so you need to just deal with it.

Has anyone out there ever encountered this situation??? I am really at a lost, it is getting so that my DH doesn't want to visit his father because of girlfriend.

Another option: have your DH go by himself. Maybe he can plan a "guys" activity with his Dad (minor league baseball game, a round of golf, fishing, a hike, etc)

 

[Christine]

First off, 2.5 hours is not a bad drive at all. I routinely take "day trips" to our local beach and it is a minimum of 3 hours away. I could easily make that trip in one day to your FIL's area. Is it ideal? No.

I suggest you just deal with the pain of the girlfriend as you don't want to make FIL feel bad on Father's Day. Skip staying in the hotel and save some $$$$$ and then you will have enough for dinner.

Just leave early in the morning, visit with MIL in the nursing facility, and go for a somewhat early dinner (which is a good idea on Father's Day anyway).

 

[FredinFL]

The following sounds like mantalk. Here's my translation in red.
Life is short - do what it takes to make you and your husband happy. Sounds like that means avoiding the annoying girlfriend.

LOL, then I must be channeling because I'm a girl.

 

[dngnb8]

My FIL lives in 2.5 hours away. We try and go and visit him several times a year, but since that requires I take two extra days off work (I work on weekends) without any pay, it does make it a little hassle. My MIL is in a nursing home with dementia, has been for over 7 years (they are still married and FIL visits with her every week). My FIL has a girlfriend (his age) for the last 4 years. They have seperate apartments, but do many things together, but do have seperate friends, things they do, etc. DH and I are not too fond of the girlfriend, she is loud, very opinionated and bossy to FIL, but we act respectfully and politely to her. I also have issues that my MIL is still alive!!!

My DH and I have been planning on going to visit FIL for Father's day weekend. When making me plans, we told him for Father's Day, we wanted to take HIM out to dinner, either Saturday or Sunday, whichever he preferred. He told us where he wanted to go, and so we made plans for that evening. Now, whenever we go to visit, we always have this girlfriend crammed down our throat....we rarely get time with FIL without this girlfriend. We know that we will be seeing her during the weekend, there will be no way around it.

Problem:

FIL called DH today and said that he would feel "akward" if we did not invite the girlfriend to the Father's Day dinner . DH and I am so unhappy....we just wanted one evening with FAMILY....not her. Also, we really do not have the money to pay for another meal....we already have to pay for gas, tolls, hotel, other meals, etc.

I know the reason he wants her to go is that her family always invites my FIL to dinners, concerts, etc., but they live in the area and make at least double the money we do....for us to even visit our FIL it costs us more that if we took the four of us to an expensive dinner. And I cannot tell FIL that we cannot afford it, he will just suggest he pay everything....which we do not want.

Should I feel this way? Am I off-base about just wanted it the three of us the one evening? Am I being mean? I cannot talk to FIL re: our dislike of girlfriend, that would just make he alienated and hurt.

Has anyone out there ever encountered this situation??? I am really at a lost, it is getting so that my DH doesn't want to visit his father because of girlfriend.

This is what I would do. Let me premise, that I have no issue telling people what I think so this may not be right for you. My wife says Im a lot like some doctor on a show called House (I dont watch)

I would tell FIL I dont like the GF. I dont agree with the situation and that I do not consider her family. I would further say, she isnt welcome to dinner with us, especially when I am buying.

If he cant call her, I would offer to call her and tell her that this is my decision, not FILs, and there isnt anything she can do since I dont like her. She is not welcome to a dinner between me and my dad.

Now let me share this. I was in a similar situation in my first marriage. FIL was still alive with Terminal CA. MIL had a boyfriend. FIL was still in the house and MIL had the boyfriend there too. Without going into a lot of detail, I will just say I communicated quite effectively to the boyfriend my thoughts on the situation.

Im so glad that family is now not my family.

 

[clutter]

First off, 2.5 hours is not a bad drive at all. I routinely take "day trips" to our local beach and it is a minimum of 3 hours away. I could easily make that trip in one day to your FIL's area. Is it ideal? No.

I suggest you just deal with the pain of the girlfriend as you don't want to make FIL feel bad on Father's Day. Skip staying in the hotel and save some $$$$$ and then you will have enough for dinner.

Just leave early in the morning, visit with MIL in the nursing facility, and go for a somewhat early dinner (which is a good idea on Father's Day anyway).

I'm with Christine. My parents (now just my dad) are 2.5 hours away. While I have toruble finding just a single day to visit, I rarely go up for overnight. It's too much work for him to have to deal with overnight guests. When my mom was in the hospital before she died, I'd often drive up in the afternoon and back again in the evening. Driving up for just a meal is done all the time. And I'm only one driver. You have two. So change your plans to work on Saturday (no lost pay), drive up Sunday morning, do an early dinner, and come home that night. My dd isn't fond of the trip, but she's used to it!

 

[mjkacmom]

This is what I would do. Let me premise, that I have no issue telling people what I think so this may not be right for you. My wife says Im a lot like some doctor on a show called House (I dont watch)

I would tell FIL I dont like the GF. I dont agree with the situation and that I do not consider her family. I would further say, she isnt welcome to dinner with us, especially when I am buying.

If he cant call her, I would offer to call her and tell her that this is my decision, not FILs, and there isnt anything she can do since I dont like her. She is not welcome to a dinner between me and my dad.

Now let me share this. I was in a similar situation in my first marriage. FIL was still alive with Terminal CA. MIL had a boyfriend. FIL was still in the house and MIL had the boyfriend there too. Without going into a lot of detail, I will just say I communicated quite effectively to the boyfriend my thoughts on the situation.

Im so glad that family is now not my family.

House is a disgusting character. If my DH had the nerve to tell my 80 year old dad that he didn't approve of his companion of 4 years, and she wasn't welcome to dine with us, he would no longer be my DH. At 80, he's already passed his life expectancy, and has probably lost most of his family and friends. His wife has demensia - I don't wish that on anyone, watching your loved one fade away, and become a shell. Many, many elderly people suffer from depression, and can you blame them? Watching so many people you care about die? Knowing you are at the end of your life? I'd be thrilled if my parent had someone in his or her life - there are so many lonely old people out there.

I wouldn't cause hurt to my parent, just because someone he or she befriended annoyed me, especially if I didn't have to deal with that person on a regular basis. I have nothing but respect for my parents, and my IL's. I'm not judging them.

 

[denisem]

As you mention only visiting several times a year & your DH is an only child, I would suck it up, take the GF to dinner and be grateful that FIL has some kind of daily "family" life with GF & her family.

JMHO

 

[Bren's Mom]

How about suggesting a nice home cooked meal on one day, and suggesting to FIL he should invite whomever he'd like. If he wants to pay for groceries, let him if you need the $. You and dh cook and serve. And then tell FIL you'd really like one evening for his son to spend quality time alone with him and could they take him out to dinner/lunch on the other day without gf? After telling him you WANT her to be there for the home cooked meal maybe that would soften the blow?