Fathers and sons...vent!

[loveadobie]

I don't think that comment was a joke, if it got to him it wasn't funny. Jokes at the expense of another's feelings are not jokes, they are cruel.

There's a whole dynamic here not being talked about.

I think the guy is under the dad's thumb, and dad knows just how to push the buttons. The families are 30 miles apart, son works in the dad's business, and he jumps after a comment. If it was a joke, why did he not joke that he and his arm chair would be out there soon.

He wife doing it or not doing it is not the issue. The lawn could have waited.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I can sit here, based on my own personal experience with DH and his father, that I don't care if the FIL were actively laughing and holding up a big sign above his head that reads "Just Joking".....

There is simply no question.

That kind of comment or behavior is nothing but TOXIC.

Sad that the OP's husband still enables and is controlled by this.
That is the true issue.

 

[cabanafrau]

AMEN......

Like I said...
BTDT with DH and his dad. (and, yes, OP, I know what are going thru....) Those who say you should have been mowing the lawn are just WRONG... First, that makes YOU your FIL's victim/target.... NEVER, EVER, allow that.. Second, I am getting that after the 'alleged' joke, your DH was going to go out there on hands and knees if necessary and mow that lawn, HIMSELF. And, thirdly, do not make your husband's issues with his dad to be your issues... never get in the middle... do not run interferance... do not 'enable'....

Anyhow, I SOOOOOOOOO agree with above comments....
For a grown man to so affected by his parents toxic behavior is the real problem. You guys will never, ever be able to change or control how your FIL acts... But, really, seriously, your DH needs to see a different way here. A way without being totally and completely under his dad's control, at work, at home, at all times....

Like I always say here... Many, many, times now... There are never inlaw-problems.... only marriage problems.

I suggest that at, at a later, less emotional time, after this has passed for a couple days, that you sit and talk about this with your DH... Maybe this is an opportunity to grab a real 'AHA' moment when he sees that he is unable to give you any rational explanation why he was out there, injured, mowing the lawn, THAT day.

I understand what your overall viewpoint of the OP's situation is, but I cannot understand why her mowing the lawn would make her the FIL's target or victim?

1) Lawn needed mowing.
2) Husband went out to mow & got injured.
3) IL's came 30 miles to help care for grandson.
4) FIL made comment I won't characterize.

IMO we're back at point one. What if OP contacted a neighbor's kid to mow the lawn for a few bucks? Is she still FIL's victim?

If I were the OP or her DH, I'd still want my lawn done. Not doing so smacks of cutting off my nose to spite my face in my view. It's silly not to take care of the lawn for what may have been a joke or may have been passive/aggressive manipulation. The lawn still needs cutting.

I do agree w/ the OP that it was ridiculous for her DH to get out there.

 

[loveadobie]

Why at that moment would anyone need to get out there and mow the lawn.

Lawn's gonna be there tomorrow. It kind of sound like it had been a bad morning.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Okay, assuming FiL made the comment intending to actually criticize: yes I would be annoyed at him for behaving like a bully. I would also be annoyed at my DH for being immature and risking further injury just to prove a point to his dad. If I started to mow (which I probably would have NOT because FiL said anything but because a half mown lawn would bug me) and DH came out and took the mower from me and then proceeded to mow to prove a point (again risking further injury to himself plus totally disrespecting me) I would be REALLY angry at DH.

I am truly sorry you are stuck with such a dynamic in your family and I wish you all the best in helping your DH to break out of it I wonder if some sort of counseling might help.

 

[Tricia1972]

I don't think that my husband would have taken it as a joke either. It's hard to live in that kind of environment sometimes.

 

[ms.yt]

My husband sent me a text this morning that said "I've been here 20 minutes and I've already heard the 'Some people will do anything to get out of mowing the lawn' joke twice."


Again, to the people who think I should have mowed the lawn, all that would have done would have my husband upset with me and his dad. What would that have helped? My husband was determined to do it to prove a point, no matter how silly. If I did it, that would have made him feel even worse about things. I still think it was stupid of him to do it. If my dad had made that comment when he was alive, I would have just told him to get his butt out there and mow it himself if it bothered him so much! But my husband and his dad don't have that kind of relationship, unfortunately.

We've been married for 5 years, and I've been telling him for 5 years that he shouldn't let his parents get to him (his mom is the same way). However, this is the way they have been his whole life, so it's not likely to change.

 

[loveadobie]

My husband sent me a text this morning that said "I've been here 20 minutes and I've already heard the 'Some people will do anything to get out of mowing the lawn' joke twice."


Again, to the people who think I should have mowed the lawn, all that would have done would have my husband upset with me and his dad. What would that have helped? My husband was determined to do it to prove a point, no matter how silly. If I did it, that would have made him feel even worse about things. I still think it was stupid of him to do it. If my dad had made that comment when he was alive, I would have just told him to get his butt out there and mow it himself if it bothered him so much! But my husband and his dad don't have that kind of relationship, unfortunately.

We've been married for 5 years, and I've been telling him for 5 years that he shouldn't let his parents get to him (his mom is the same way). However, this is the way they have been his whole life, so it's not likely to change.

Change won't come unless he begins to set new limits with his parents. It will result in conflict, but if it bothers him maybe it is time for him to change. They are pretty satisfied with the way things are.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Men will do anything for the approval of their fathers. If women don't understand, well, so be it. I would literally have died for my father's approval. The saddest day in my life was the day that he passed.

 

[loveadobie]

In some cases though the approval that you seek is never to come.

You get something right hoping for you parents approval, and they criticize you in another way.

Son: "Look Dad, I mowed the yard"

Father: "Why didn't you trim around the Hydrangeas."

 

[ms.yt]

Men will do anything for the approval of their fathers. If women don't understand, well, so be it. I would literally have died for my father's approval. The saddest day in my life was the day that he passed.

I think women "understand" that's the case, but it doesn't make it any less stupid, especially when it's obvious that nothing you will ever do will please your father. To risk your physical well being for something that will never be is silly. I understand why he did it, but I still think it stinks that he feels that way.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I think women "understand" that's the case, but it doesn't make it any less stupid...

Who gets to decide our priorities for us? Men are different than women. Those differences should not be interpreted as stupidity.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

In some cases though the approval that you seek is never to come...

Sad, but true - however, unless the father is outright abusive, the son will continue to seek that approval. Heck, some men continue it in the face of real abuse. I can't explain why it is so, but it is.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would literally have died for my father's approval.

How very, very, sad....

I would recommend the same professional help for you as I would have for my DH, and as I would for the OP's husband.

That simply is not a normal or healthy adult outlook.

Instead of moving past that, it seems you continue to actually defend it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Who gets to decide our priorities for us? Men are different than women. Those differences should not be interpreted as stupidity.

Sorry, but men who are like this, spending every waking moment actively seeking a parents approval, are dragging their wives and families into THEIR priorities.

It should not be his wife's and children's priority and purpose in life to try to please his toxic and dysfunctional father.

Also, every moment and iota of energy that a man like this is expending in his efforts to gain some kind of warped, never to be gained, approval, is time and energy that are being robbed from his wife and children.

I know...
I've been there done that with DH and his father.

We payed dearly.

 

[loveadobie]

Sad, but true - however, unless the father is outright abusive, the son will continue to seek that approval. Heck, some men continue it in the face of real abuse. I can't explain why it is so, but it is.

You can be spinning your wheels, all for that elusive approval of a parent. Look at all the wasted energy.

Really it probably nothing wrong with the child, but the control that the parent has over the child's emotions.

I know I have tried.

 

[disneyfans95]

If I busted up both ankles, my wife would not be talking about it, posting about it and seeking opinions on a message board.

She would go out and mow the darn lawn.

Just like I would pick up any slack when she is laid up and needs help.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

How very, very, sad....

I would recommend the same professional help for you as I would have for my DH, and as I would for the OP's husband.

That simply is not a normal or healthy adult outlook...

Women don't get it, so they judge it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sad, but true - however, unless the father is outright abusive, the son will continue to seek that approval. Heck, some men continue it in the face of real abuse. I can't explain why it is so, but it is.

And, this makes it 'right'....
It makes it 'okay'????

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

You can be spinning your wheels, all for that elusive approval of a parent. Look at all the wasted energy...

Or, it can help build an amazing relationship, like the one that I had with my father.