Family Wedding Woe

[joolz1910]

My SIL is getting married next April and the cost is already starting to rack up! I'm afraid this is going to be a bit of a rant...

She is having 6 bridesmaids - including my 3 DD's. She has hinted (heavily) that the other bridesmaids (2 adults and 1 child) are all paying for their own dresses. The dresses cost £50 each, not including shoes or accessories.

She wants all of the men (including all of the groom's friends) to be dressed identically. I'm estimating that cost of suit hire will be £75 for DH.

She wants us to stay at the venue - the discounted cost of a room for 4 is £100 per night. We would need two rooms.

The hen night has now turned into a weekend at a country house/spa and includes hire of a 'fun bus' (aaarggh!) to take us on a pub crawl.

We would obviously be buying them a nice gift too.

I am starting to get anxious about the cost as we will be going to WDW in October. We are not poor, but we are certainly not well off. To put it into perspective, the trip to WDW has taken 3 years' savings and a cashed in ISA.

Not sure how to handle this

Rant over...

 

[disney_princess_85]

How far from your house is the wedding venue? Would it be possible to stay at home instead? I know the bride "wants" you to stay at the venue but you could massively cut down your costs this way.

In situations like this, I think the best course of action is to be brutally honest- make it clear that your family is delighted to be part of her special day, however you simply can't afford to pay for everything and require some compromises to be made. I hope you manage to sort it out.

 

[Muscateer]

Oh dear a dilemma in deed. The way I see it, if the bride wants it then she should pay for it. I would never expect someone to pay for something I want. If I couldn't pay the bill myself then I would just have to settle for less or not make any demands.

Having family wedding woes at the moment too infact so much so that I have decided I am not going to the wedding.

 

[joolz1910]

How far from your house is the wedding venue?

The venue is about 20 miles away. Think some brutal honesty is in order.

Oh dear a dilemma in deed. The way I see it, if the bride wants it then she should pay for it. I would never expect someone to pay for something I want. If I couldn't pay the bill myself then I would just have to settle for less or not make any demands.

Having family wedding woes at the moment too infact so much so that I have decided I am not going to the wedding.

I feel like that too. If you want it, you pay for it. My wedding was within our budget - DH and I paid for everything. Her budget has gone through the roof. She started planning after Christmas and it has already tripled. I just thought it made me look tight-fisted. I'm not tight, I just can't afford it!

 

[Pinky166]

I too think you need to tell her that you just can not afford it, I agree with everyone else that if "she" wants it all then they have to pay for it.

We got married abroad & paid for everything, flights, hotel, food, etc for all 8 family members who came with us (3 others came but as they invited themselves we didn't pay for them ).

 

[torsie24]

Hiya.

We're at the age at the moment where loads of our friends and cousins are getting married.

It can be expensive.

But I would never have dreamed of asking my bridesmaids to pay for their dresses, shoes, jewellery etc. This was also the case with Jack's two sisters who had traditional UK weddings.

And especially as she is having 3 of your children I think she's being unrealistic expecting you to pay.

Perhaps ask about the colour scheme and find dresses from more budget friendly stores if you do have to pay.

She'll have to decide what's more important: her having the exact dresses she wants (in which case she can pay) or having your girls there in which case you can get pretty summer dresses and accessories they can wear again - maybe even in WDW.

 

[2Tiggies]

I'm going to approach this from a different perspective

I am not convinced there is a clear cut right or wrong where this is concerned. Another way to look at it is that your sister in law may not be thinking in terms of cost. I am sure she really wanted all your children to be included and wouldn't dream of leaving any of then out. Same for the hen 'night' (weekend). She possible isn't thinking of it in terms of expense to you, but rather from the point of view that she wants you involved and with her to share as much as possible of her dream celebrations.

I do however see exactly where you are coming from. Unless you have a limitless budget expenses like these rack up very quickly.

I agree with the previous posters that approaching her and talking to her about it is essential. THe last thing you want is to leave it until right before the wedding and all of a sudden you find you are simply unable to carry the costs to be there for her.

I would address it now, be completely honest, but also be sensitive as you will probably find that she is looking at it very differently to what you are. Is it possible to ask her if there is anywhere you can compromise, explaining that you would love to be able to foot the bill for yours and your family's involvement, but you simply cannot afford it. Lauren made a good suggestion regarding the venue. That would not have any negative impact that I could foresee and would already cut the cost of one of the outlays. Perhaps there are other things where you could do similar?

 

[PoppyAnna]

Oh dear this family stuff is so tough. I would mention it now before time runs away with you all. As it has been mentioned I would ask if there is a compromise but be prepared offer one too. To maximise your families involvement and minimise your outlay perhaps you could meet them for the hen night and not stay for the weekend?

My best friend was invited with her husband and two very small children to her Brother's wedding in Italy. It completely got out of hand and to this day it still causes a lot of bad feeling within her family. Her brother and his now wife completely indulged themselves for two weeks in the most selfish way and expected everybody around them the pay for it at the eleventh hour.
I would avoid that situation at all costs.

 

[joolz1910]

Thanks. I want to be involved and I am happy that she wants the girls as bridesmaids but I can't afford what she is asking. The next time I am informed that 'X' is paying for her bridesmaid's dress, I will simply say that that is a generous gesture but that I can't afford to do the same. I have decided not to stay at the venue. DH is happy(ish) to hire the suit and I will go on the hen weekend but might stay for 1 night, rather than the whole weekend - hopefully missing the 'fun bus'.

 

[scottish mum]

I think you need to be honest with her and tell her that you can't afford everything.

I always thought that the bride paid for all the bridesmaids dresses etc, I know I certainly did and I have been a bridesmaid a few times and the dresses were paid for me. Think I bought my own shoes.

As for staying the night of the wedding I think you can quite easily say you are unable to and go home afterwards.

For your DH's suit you might be as well to hire one, chances are you would be buying a new shirt/tie etc for the wedding anyway so the suit probably woldn't be that more expensive.

As far as the hen weekend goes i think you can just say what you can afford to attend and go with that, I'm not sure if I could afford the whole weekend and the fun bus (even if it was free )

Weddings can be a complete nightmare with famillies and I do think honesty is the best policy. My dh's parents nearly fell out with us as we said we couldn't afford to attend a cousins wedding that was 600 miles away. For 5 of us the accommodation alone was really expensive and that was without the new outfits etc

 

[PoppyAnna]

Thanks. I want to be involved and I am happy that she wants the girls as bridesmaids but I can't afford what she is asking. The next time I am informed that 'X' is paying for her bridesmaid's dress, I will simply say that that is a generous gesture but that I can't afford to do the same. I have decided not to stay at the venue. DH is happy(ish) to hire the suit and I will go on the hen weekend but might stay for 1 night, rather than the whole weekend - hopefully missing the 'fun bus'.

 

[Ware Bears]

The next time I am informed that 'X' is paying for her bridesmaid's dress, I will simply say that that is a generous gesture but that I can't afford to do the same.

Good thinking - I think so long as you're honest and up front now then there won't be any misunderstandings later.

My three DDs were all bridesmaids at my brother-in-law's wedding a few years ago and he (and his bride) paid for all the dresses - I never even gave this a thought at the time as I was always under the impression that the bride always paid for the bridesmaids' dresses. When I got married I paid for mine and the page boy's suit - if I couldn't have afforded them I wouldn't have asked them to do the honour.

If I remember correctly we did pay for our DDs' shoes, however they weren't satin wedding shoes but just nice inexpensive strappy summer sandals so they got plenty of wear out of them over that summer. If it would make you feel more comfortable you could always offer to do that.

 

[WicketsMom]

Maybe it is different in the UK, but in the US it is customary for the bridesmaid to pay for her own dress. I was in a few weddings and bought my own dress each time. For my wedding, I did pick an inexpensive dress, and my mother sews so she made the dresses for my bridesmaids (only two) and they paid for the material. I think it only came out to about $35/each, and they wore shoes that they already had. In the weddings I was in, only one required a specific shoe, for the others the dresses were long so you didn't see them anyway and I wore something I already had. In each wedding, the bride provided the accessories (necklace, earrings, and bracelet at one) as the bridesmaids' gifts, and I did the same at mine.

Since you have three dresses to pay for, I would think that she should be more understanding and accomodating. Staying at a venue that is only 20 miles away seems excessive and unnecessary. My sister-in-law wanted us to all get our hair and makeup done together by the same person the morning of the wedding, and that was going to be expensive. My other SIL and I politely declined, but asked if she wanted us to wear our hair up or down (we are a good 15-20 years older than the other bridesmaids were so the same styles would have looked silly on us) and did that ourselves.

 

[joolz1910]

Maybe it is different in the UK, but in the US it is customary for the bridesmaid to pay for her own dress. I was in a few weddings and bought my own dress each time. For my wedding, I did pick an inexpensive dress, and my mother sews so she made the dresses for my bridesmaids (only two) and they paid for the material. I think it only came out to about $35/each, and they wore shoes that they already had. In the weddings I was in, only one required a specific shoe, for the others the dresses were long so you didn't see them anyway and I wore something I already had. In each wedding, the bride provided the accessories (necklace, earrings, and bracelet at one) as the bridesmaids' gifts, and I did the same at mine.

Since you have three dresses to pay for, I would think that she should be more understanding and accomodating. Staying at a venue that is only 20 miles away seems excessive and unnecessary. My sister-in-law wanted us to all get our hair and makeup done together by the same person the morning of the wedding, and that was going to be expensive. My other SIL and I politely declined, but asked if she wanted us to wear our hair up or down (we are a good 15-20 years older than the other bridesmaids were so the same styles would have looked silly on us) and did that ourselves.

I wouldn't mind paying if I got to choose the dresses! That way, I could pick dresses that could be worn again for parties. The dresses she has chosen are not to my taste - but I was happy for the girls to wear whatever she had chosen, as I thought she was paying.

 

[hildasmuriel]

I get very frustrated with weddings. It's not so much that we cannot afford it, but that it is a LARGE sum of money to spend on something which I don't particularly enjoy. If I were you, Jools, I would be thinking that money could be going towards my Disney holiday rather than making sure that someone else's idea of a perfect wedding day was fulfilled.
SOME brides (not all of them) get so wrapped up in their wedding day that it doesn't occur to them that other people just see it as a nice day of celebration, aren't 'honoured' to be invited and may just prefer to slope off after a couple of hours and be back home by 8.30 catching up with all the stuff they Sky +-ed.

Oops - it's turned into my own rant - sorry. You've had good advice from others - I hope no more unreasonable demands are made.

 

[joolz1910]

I get very frustrated with weddings. It's not so much that we cannot afford it, but that it is a LARGE sum of money to spend on something which I don't particularly enjoy. If I were you, Jools, I would be thinking that money could be going towards my Disney holiday rather than making sure that someone else's idea of a perfect wedding day was fulfilled.

Exactly. If I spent £300 on a hen weekend, that could cover MNSSHP and a Haunted Carriage Ride! I also think that the bride can lose sight of the people and just see guests as supporting cast / accessories.

 

[MazdaUK]

My sister and I both paid for the bridesmaids dresses at our weddings but let them choose their own shoes (specifying white/cream). Her SIL chose a red pair of shoes, but it was too late to do anything.......

As there are three of your kids, I think it is only reasonable for her to pay (or at least go halves), or, as others have said, you could find your own dresses somewhere and having three all the same it could look like it was deliberate choice to have different styles.

I think we paid for all the suit hire as well - agin, it you want something spcific then that is reasonable to pay for, otherwise let people dress as they wish and risk your group photos....

Just my twopennorth

 

[chocolateMinnie]

what a nightmare! Another one who thinks that the bride should pay for the dresses and flowers etc. for bridesmaids - also if specific suits are required I would have thought that they would pay for that too.

for the accomodation you could always use the old 'my kids don't settle well in strange beds' routine :

Are you keen to go on the hen night - if you are fine but if not this is one you can definitely plead poverty on - I work in an all girl environment and there is barely a month goes by without some do or other. I regularly have to stand back for either financial or lack of babysitter reasons.

 

[Chilly]

I'm also in the camp that says if the bride and groom want something specific they should pay for it themselves like bridesmaids dresses and suits.

At our wedding I checked that all the men had a grey suit and then I got them matching ties.

I think your SIL will find that quite a few men will refuse to go and rent a certain suit that she wants when they have perfectly good ones as home, that is just a waste of money.