Family wants me to pay for entire funeral costs of my sister.

[kuusimo]

My MIL passed away 3 months ago. She was 64 and thought that a funeral cost $250 (no joke). She was on SSI and had no savings. All 8 of her children were in no position to give what they wanted to. They had a family meeting after going to the funeral home and finding out what it would cost. They decided to all individually tell one sibling what their family could contribute. My MIL's siblings then asked if they could help out. One of her sisters called and said whatever else is needed, they will make up the difference. That was very generous of all of them, but when this was brought to the siblings attention, you would have thought that was the worst news ever. Their pride got in the way and they thought everyone should go into debt to pay for their mother's funeral. My DH is much more sensible and explained that we would deny them the right to help their sister. She was their sister as much as a mother to the children. Long story short- all expenses had to be paid upfront. Total cost of the funeral- $7000 (we had to get an oversized casket too.)

DH has since talked to his father about funeral arrangements and that will be another interesting case. He has life insurance, and wants to build his own casket to save money.

As far as the OP- I agree with most other people. We have leant money to many and unless you are willing to never see it again, it is not worth the stress you will have for the next x number of years. When money needs to paid to a business most seem to take it more serious than a family member.

I guess if anything this should help us all to talk to our parents and spouses about funeral arrangements and costs associated with them. No one plans to die- especially young, and it is easier if there is a plan than to have the shock of losing a loved one and trying to plan the entire thing at the same time.

 

[Arielle22]

How common is it to not pay for the funeral up front? My mom died in 1996 and I also planned the funerals of 3 great aunts. All had to be paid before the service. I remember opening the grave was $750 by itself. For my mom, my 7 siblings and I split the cost. My 4 sisters and I planned the funeral (brothers wanted nothing to do with the planning) and we told our brothers the cost. We either brought a check or credit card to the funeral home and paid up.

OP, if the bills are not coming to you then I would not pay any further unless you don't mind not getting the money back.

 

[RitaZ.]

How common is it to not pay for the funeral up front? My mom died in 1996 and I also planned the funerals of 3 great aunts. All had to be paid before the service. I remember opening the grave was $750 by itself. For my mom, my 7 siblings and I split the cost. My 4 sisters and I planned the funeral (brothers wanted nothing to do with the planning) and we told our brothers the cost. We either brought a check or credit card to the funeral home and paid up.

Arielle~Yes, there is even a charge for opening (digging the hole) the grave. It appears that those of us that have been through the actual process all had to pay in full before any services were rendered. Whether the families can or can't afford the costs isn't the issue, full payment is expected up-front.

 

[barkley]

just posting this as advise to folks subscribed to this thread. if you have a family member or friend without assetts including vets or social security death benefits-you can contact your local social services agency regarding 'indigent death benefits'. while it's def. not the most 'appealing' way to go-if you simply say that the individual had a personal or religious belief against creamation a very basic and simple burial will be done with govenment funds (if you do not indicate the decesed had an objection they will be creamated). while there will be no formal headstone or marker-the deceased will be properly taken care of.

funeral establishments are aware of these programs but generaly do not publicize them nor overtly advise 'next of kin' in the hopes that someone will step forward and obligate themselves to the financial commitment of more substanital funeral services.

additonaly-there are some incredible charitable organizations that are established spec. to provide 'respectful funerals and resting places' for children who pass but their parents are of limited funds.

 

[MELSMICE]

My condolences on the loss of your sister.

I would not pay any additional monies towards the cost of the funeral. You have done more than enough, IMO. The remainder of the responsibility is your parent's.

 

[NCRedding]

Arielle~Yes, there is even a charge for opening (digging the hole) the grave. It appears that those of us that have been through the actual process all had to pay in full before any services were rendered. Whether the families can or can't afford the costs isn't the issue, full payment is expected up-front.

Actually, the practice varies from area and town. I have planned and made arrangements for five funerals since 1997 (MIL, FIL, grandfather and grandmother , and my brother). Anyway, the cost to open the grave was all that was required upfront from our funeral home in all of these funerals. Had we not owned the burial plots, that would also have had to be paid for up front. All of the other costs were billed. If we paid within 10 days, we received a 2% discount; if we paid within 30 days, there would have been no interest due. After 30 days, the account is sold to a bank, and they send a bill very much like a credit card, with a hefty interest rate.

 

[JPN4265]

Divide the amount by the total number of family members that were involved in the decision on what the funeral was going to be, pay your share and leave the rest to the other family members.

 

[MELSMICE]

Divide the amount by the total number of family members that were involved in the decision on what the funeral was going to be, pay your share and leave the rest to the other family members.

She said she's already paid $4,000.

 

[goodtype]

FROM THE OP:

An earlier poster had it right. If my parents do not pay for the funeral costs in full within 60 days the bill will be turned over to a finance company who will "buy the receivable" and charge as much as 28% interest. They will, of course, call every month and ask for the money. My parents say if I do not pay for the funeral they may have to declare bankruptcy. Remember none of my brothers have any money.

They are having dreams of the casket being pulled out of the ground much like the way a car is repossessed.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

FROM THE OP:

An earlier poster had it right. If my parents do not pay for the funeral costs in full within 60 days the bill will be turned over to a finance company who will "buy the receivable" and charge as much as 28% interest. They will, of course, call every month and ask for the money. My parents say if I do not pay for the funeral they may have to declare bankruptcy. Remember none of my brothers have any money.

They are having dreams of the casket being pulled out of the ground much like the way a car is repossessed.

You know...at some point you have to let your parents grow up.
My parents are also irresponsible when it comes to money. They don't change, but they do expect people to come and bail them out.

They get to live high on the hog, buying whatever is at their whims because..."you can't take it with you"....
Then come crying to you because they got themselves in trouble.

Remember if you pay...you WILL PAY...
You will be paying the money back while they spend money on their whims.
Is that a "burn" you want?

 

[UMTerp]

Do not let anyone bully you into paying! You did your part and more. This is not your responsibility.

Best of luck to you! So sorry for your loss!

UMTerp

 

[antsss]

This advice is given from personal experience. Don't lend money to family members with the expectation that it will be paid back.

Personally, I don't think anyone should have arranged for a "fancy" funeral. They knew what the cost would be at the time arrangements were made. Did they think the money would just fall out of the sky? Or did they assume all along that you would cover the cost?

Good luck to you whatever you decide...

 

[Evil Queen]

FROM THE OP:

An earlier poster had it right. If my parents do not pay for the funeral costs in full within 60 days the bill will be turned over to a finance company who will "buy the receivable" and charge as much as 28% interest. They will, of course, call every month and ask for the money. My parents say if I do not pay for the funeral they may have to declare bankruptcy. Remember none of my brothers have any money.

They are having dreams of the casket being pulled out of the ground much like the way a car is repossessed.

I don't normally encourage it, but if the parents are in that bad of shape, bankruptcy might be the way to go.

 

[Ready to go in Ok]

Arielle~Yes, there is even a charge for opening (digging the hole) the grave. It appears that those of us that have been through the actual process all had to pay in full before any services were rendered. Whether the families can or can't afford the costs isn't the issue, full payment is expected up-front.

Well, count me as one of the ones that didn't have to pay it all in full. We are still paying for BIL's funeral, but will have it paid off in Nov. It does vary from funeral home to funeral home.

OP, we were in a similar situation, MIL is on a tight budget, and SIL has way too many issues of her own, and no help from either of them. No help from BIL's grown children either. We just looked at it like this. He was DH's brother. Someone had to do it, and no one else was stepping up. It wasn't a fancy affair like what happened with you, and BIL's children and ex-wives weren't particularly happy with the location of the burial. But it finally got to a point where we were going, ok, if you want him buried where it costs $700 for the plot, and the opening and closing, fine, we will do that. If you want the one where it costs $2500, you will have to do that yourself. Guess what ended up happening? Not happily, and with lots of little snide remarks, but they decided that the $700 one was good enough after all.

It didn't get too nasty, but everyone seemed insulted that DH wouldn't do the elaborate funeral. Which, honestly, I would have been embarassed to death if we had. His friends and grown children showed up drunk to the funeral, and talked throughout the entire eulogy! It was insane. Then they put joints in the casket. And my family was apparently way overdressed for the funeral, as we weren't wearing torn jeans and shirts with naked women on them, but actually wore dresses and suits.

No one else in DH's family has paid a dime. They think that because we live in a nice neighborhood, and have a nice home, that we are rich. Not true. DH got laid off a couple of months following the funeral, but we still make the payments every month. It was just easier that way. Good luck OP, whatever decision you make is not going to be easy.

 

[DaisyD]

Arielle~Yes, there is even a charge for opening (digging the hole) the grave. It appears that those of us that have been through the actual process all had to pay in full before any services were rendered. Whether the families can or can't afford the costs isn't the issue, full payment is expected up-front.

Around here the grave opening service is provided by the graveyard and not the funeral home. That is the only thing that has to be paid in advance. We have never had to pay for the funeral itself in advance. The funeral home just billed us about 30 days after the service. Maybe it also varies by funeral homes too.

 

[kuusimo]

just posting this as advise to folks subscribed to this thread. if you have a family member or friend without assetts including vets or social security death benefits-you can contact your local social services agency regarding 'indigent death benefits'.

We had looked into this for my MIL and SS told DH that because she was divorced and had no children at home that she did not qualify for any benefits. That was our experience with them. My SIL is the one who suggested it because she works as a social worker in another state and knew of this as well. So it is not always a sure thing.

OP- have your parents TRIED to work out an arrangement with the funeral home or are they just trying to lay a guilt trip on you since you seem to be the responsible one? A collection agency will just try to work out payment options as well. Once again- they decided on the funeral at the time and knew the cost associated with it then.

 

[mickeyfan2]

When MIL died we were presented with the bill the night before the funeral. We had the option to pay it in full then or go on a payment plan.

 

[offwegotoneverland]

here it will vary in regards to pay now or payment plan by funeral home. (few are cash before service)

Also a funeral home cannot refuse to preform services if they think they won't be paid.

So person 1 from the deadbeat family dies in June...family picks fancy deal of say 10,000.00 no real payments beyond say 500.00 and person 2 from deadbeat dies in December...still have to do funeral for person 2 even though the funeral home is out the money.

Does anyone but me feel sorry for the funeral homes? I mean they have to pay the casket maker, the grave opening etc and they can get stiffed and everyone is saying oh well? Just seems like something people should have to pay for to me. if it was people running out on a restaurant bill the whole board would be up in arms!

 

[mickeyfan2]

So person 1 from the deadbeat family dies in June...family picks fancy deal of say 10,000.00 no real payments beyond say 500.00 and person 2 from deadbeat dies in December...still have to do funeral for person 2 even though the funeral home is out the money.

The funeral home MIL was at did not have to do this. We asked the owner and he said he had people in the deep freeze for many months while the family came up with the money for the funeral. There is also the option for a pauper's funeral that the state would pay for. He even told us he once had a convict who died in jail. Nobody came to claim the body so eventually the state did a jail burial.

 

[offwegotoneverland]

The funeral home MIL was at did not have to do this. We asked the owner and he said he had people in the deep freeze for many months while the family came up with the money for the funeral. There is also the option for a pauper's funeral that the state would pay for. He even told us he once had a convict who died in jail. Nobody came to claim the body so eventually the state did a jail burial.

But don't you think running that deep freeze cost him money? I'm just saying it seems bizzare to me to think we don't have to pay for this kind of stuff.