Family wants me to pay for entire funeral costs of my sister.

[shortbun]

You have paid your share. $12,000 is an expensive funeral. It could have been half that. I may sound cold but as your sister has passed, it is not disrespectful of her to ask the rest of the family to pay their share. She would no doubt understand and support you. Please try to find some peace in this situation. If you do decide to make the payment, do it knowing that you will never be repaid and don't expect it. These are the things that tear families apart. Stay calm.

 

[DizBelle]

I am sure many do disagree. I just think that she is my sister. Whether the rest of the family has the respect to pay her bill is not my problem. I'd want to take care of it no matter what. After I took care of the bill I would ask the rest to pitch in. If they didn't then I'd just chalk it up to them being a bunch of clods.

Ok, you would foot a $12,000 bill. What if the bill were $15,000, $20,000 or $30,000? At what amount are you not willing to foot the entire bill? The amount of the bill should not be a factor. What is "fair" should be the main factor. She was not even consulted on the funeral arrangements but yet she is being asked to pay for them all. That's just wrong.

 

[poohandwendy]

Ok, you would foot a $12,000 bill. What if the bill were $15,000, $20,000 or $30,000? At what amount are you not willing to foot the entire bill? The amount of the bill should not be a factor. What is "fair" should be the main factor. She was not even consulted on the funeral arrangements but yet she is being asked to pay for them all. That's just wrong.

I agree and I also think this is the type of situation where you need to make a stand, not because of money as much as the family dynamics that suggest a pattern of shirking responsibility (I mean, they are only even addressing the situation now because the funeral home is hounding them. What is up with that!!!???) and treating one person like they should be a responsible adult and the rest get a pass for being deadbeats.

 

[Trish Bessette]

I am sorry for what you are dealing with. However, I feel you have paid your share. Time for your family to do that.

 

[luvdzne]

First of all

Sorry to hear about your loss and all you are going through with your family. Like most others have said, I would not pay anymore than you have already. You have done your fair share.

 

[horseshowmom]

I'm sorry about your sister. But since you've already paid your fair share and you made no decisions about the cost of the arrangements I wouldn't pay anymore. Unless your name is on the bill, you are under no more obligation. I'm sorry, but your family shouldn't have made such lavish arrangements if they couldn't afford it. It doesn't sound like you'll get any money back from your siblings if you do incur the remaining costs. I'm sorry this is so difficult and they put you in this position.

I agree completely. What's put on the credit card will grow pretty quickly, and it's very, very doubtful that you'll ever get the money that's now being promised to you.

You have more than done your fair share, and I agree with the others who say you should back away from the situation. They need to make arrangements with the funeral home themselves otherwise you will end up totally responsible.

I'm also sorry for your loss and that your family is trying to put you in such a position.

 

[DaisyD]

Ok, you would foot a $12,000 bill. What if the bill were $15,000, $20,000 or $30,000? At what amount are you not willing to foot the entire bill? The amount of the bill should not be a factor. What is "fair" should be the main factor. She was not even consulted on the funeral arrangements but yet she is being asked to pay for them all. That's just wrong.

Can't a person have an opinion on this board without someone argueing with them? To answer your question, yes I would pay whatever it was if I had the money. There is no way I'd let my sister's good name be tarnished because the rest of my family were a bunch of bums. So yes if it were $30,000 I'd pay. I realize she was never consulted and that was wrong but the fact remains that it is still money owed. I don't like outstanding bills and the fact that it is my sister's funeral would make me pay it. The OP asked for opinions. I gave mine.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhh good grief!!!

The sister is now dead and buried... Whether or not the funeral home gets paid has NOTHING to do with her, and cannot tarnish her name. It is not like they can tarnish HER credit report.

The only name being tarnished is the parents who signed an exhorbitant debt, and now want the OP to pay for it.

The parents made the decisions, incurred the debt, and agreed to be responsible for it. If the family is a bunch of bums, then it is their good name being tarnished. NOT the sister's. NOT the OP's.

This whole 'it was my sister' thing is the kind of blind, erroneous, and emotional, argument that should NEVER be involved in financial or business decisions.

The OP did the right thing.
She payed more than her part.

She should have NO guilt to bear.

 

[DaisyD]

Edited because it isn't worth it.

 

[goodtype]

From the OP:

Thanks for the advice and thoughtful comments. I like the back and forth with various points of view and I would never attack someone who had a different opinion and feel there is no right or wrong in this issue. Keep the feedback coming.

 

[DaisyD]

From the OP:

Thanks for the advice and thoughtful comments. I like the back and forth with various points of view and I would never attack someone who had a different opinion and feel there is no right or wrong in this issue. Keep the feedback coming.

Thank you OP. I never felt you were attacking anyone. Good luck with this and I hope you make the decision that is right for you.

 

[Snowysmom]

I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like it was an emotional time for your family. You have paid more than your share at this point. What the rest of your family needs to do now is go to the funeral home and make arrangements to send in monthly payments. If each of them sent the funeral home the $50 a month they can afford, it would get paid off eventually. If you paid it all and they said they would pay you $50 a month, it sounds like those payments would soon stop. It would be easier for your family to stop paying you, than to stop paying the funeral home. It is a difficult situation but things do need to be fair for all.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I would only pay if you never want to see the $12K again. Whose decison was it to have the fancy funeral? Who signed the papers at the funeral home?

 

[minkydog]

When my FIL died suddenly(without advance plans and with no will) in 1985 the family had to scramble to provide his funeral. My MIL and FILs younger brother & sister went to the funeral home and basically said yes to everything. MIL signed the documents and it was done.

What they got was a 2-day funeral with all the bells & whistles, some kind of special rot-resistant coffin(top-o-the-line!), limos to transport nearly everyone who wanted a limo ride, and many, many extras. Apparently this is what their family does(it's a large Greek family).

Two days later, the funeral home presents the bill: $10,000. Now this was 1985--I don't know what that would be in 2006, but it was a heck of a lot of money to us. FIL died with no assets at all, rented house, and $47 in his pocket. MIL(65) had no way of paying this bill and FILs bro and sis didn't want to talk about it, just left her holding the bag. So DH and his sister split the bill and it took us about 5 yrs to pay it off. I've never been so angry in all my life. Not at my DH or his mom, but at the brother & sister who ordered this huge funeral knowing there was no means to pay for it.

ETA: when my own dad died 2yrs ago we talked about arrangements(he was 70yo for heaven's sake!) We decided that cremation with a small graveside service would be a nice send-off, Daddy agreed and we had a plan. Cost:$2850, including 20 copies of the death certificate, the non-destructible box, opening the grave of his mother and sticking him in there. Followed by fried chicken, BBQ, beer and pony rides back at the house

 

[Disney Doll]

As I already stated, my opinion is that you have paid more than your fair share of your sister's funeral arrangements. I do not feel that you need to incur the entire debt, nor do I feel that your sister's "name" will be ruined. The funeral director is not going to make an announcementon the local radio station that "Goodtype's sister's funeral wasn't paid for".

That being said, if you feel you should, out of a sense of duty or whatever, then do so, with the understanding that you will not ever see that money from your siblings or your parents. And consider what ramifications, if any, the resentment that you are sure to feel will cause within your family. I know that for me, if my family put me into that position, and I didn't have a very close relationship with them anyhow (which it sounds like you don't) this would be the straw that would make me cut the ties.

In the end, you have to do what you feel is right, but make sure it is what you feel is right, don't let anyone guilt you into anything, and don't expect to get paid back.

 

[mickeyfan2]

On the credit card debt, started by the op, the OP states that the brother died. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

 

[minnieandmickey]

On the credit card debt, started by the op, the OP states that the brother died. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Which thread are you talking about, I see sister in the title.

 

[Beth76]

From the other thread....

I am afraid it is harder to eliminate my deceased sisters bills than just sending in a death certificate. Here is why:

My parents paid off one of his small credit card balances after he died before they knew that he owed a ton of money on other cards. His credit report shows a payment after the date of death. So a precedent was established by my parents and this may create a legal contract for them to be responsible for paying other bills.

The credit card bill collectors will not believe that he left the earth with no assets. They need a copy of his probate and estate documentation, which has not occurred. This likely will involve an Attorney they can not afford.

My parents are on record as paying some of her credit card bills in the past, which show a possible legal responsibility.

It seems as though Goodtype has been talking about her sister dying. Although on the second page of the other thread she posted the above (highlight mine). The OP is either telling stories in hopes that someone will donate money, but I note that the OP HAS NOT asked for money. Or he/she is covering up the fact that her brother died saying she had a sister or vice-versa, perhaps to protect herself or her family.

I'm not trying to bad mouth the OP at all as the OP has not done anything wrong except change her story a bit. That does not automatically mean she's trying to scam us.

 

[DVC-Don]

 

[Tissa]

Oh boy not another one

Of course the parents and my brothers feel like the law is on their side and are not legally responsible for the debts of my deceased sister but tell that to the very aggressive bill collectors. They do not believe he is dead and tell my parents that all the cash advance activity on the account indicates fraud.

The problem is they do not have the money to hire an Attorney to do a formal probate/estate required to get the bill collectors off their back.