Family wants me to pay for entire funeral costs of my sister.

[Pea-n-Me]

The plan now is to have ME pay for the $12,000 overdue bill from the funeral home with my savings and credit card and try to collect a little bit a month from all my family members. All five remaining members of my family have been underachievers and are broke and in serious debt. I am the only real bread winner in the family.

While I have access to the $12,000 needed to pay off the funeral but I am starting to have second thoughts about agreeing to pay for the funeral. The rest of the family (five brothers) have all told me that they will pay their share of the costs but their money is tight now and it will be maybe $50 a month. I suspect that they will pay for a few months and then emergencies will come up and they will start missing payments.

Our family is not close and I only see them at Christmas and when they need something from me.

So sorry about your sister.

Please don't be pressured into paying this bill with your credit card. You will own it.

I think the rest of your family making payments to the funeral home sounds about right since you have already paid more than your share and they were the ones who spent in excess of what they could afford. I agree there is nothing wrong with a simple funeral held with love and concern.

Again, don't let yourself be bullied.

 

[RitaZ.]

Now that the bill for the full cost is due, I am being pressured to pay the remaining $8K so the family can get the accounts payable folks at the funeral home to stop calling.

All decisions about the funeral, burial, reception and casket were made by my parents, without my involvement, but they are in debt and can not pay anything towards the funeral now.

I'm shocked that the funeral home didn't demand full payment at the time the arrangements were made, as that's the norm. We made the arrangements when my father and when my MIL passed away, both times all the services had to be paid in full before the funeral home would do anything. The reason behind these policies is obvious.

 

[KIRSTIN'S MOMMY]

So sorry about the loss of your sister. I agree with everyone else, don't do it. You will be stuck paying it off with no help from them, also been there done that. Did your sister have any kind of insurance policy, or did your parents have one on her? Even if it was a small policy, every little bit helps,especially in this situation. Good luck with your decision, I know it's a difficult one.

 

[escape]

I'm shocked that the funeral home didn't demand full payment at the time the arrangements were made, as that's the norm. We made the arrangements when my father and when my MIL passed away, both times all the services had to be paid in full before the funeral home would do anything. The reason behind these policies is obvious.

I can understand the reasoning behind this policy but that's not the way it is around here. I would think a lot of people can't afford to pay all at once.

OP, I'm sorry for your loss as well.

This is really a sticky situation. As others have mentioned, I think your parents need to work out a plan with the funeral home and have your parents make your brothers accountable each month. Otherwise, I don't think you'll see much of the money. Your family may be more inclined to pay back the funeral home but not you. As you said, they would eventually come up with excuses not to pay you back.

 

[poohandwendy]

I am also very sorry for the recent loss of your sister, that was very hard for all of you, I am sure.

That said, I would not pay the remainder, I would tell your parents that they need to get together with the brothers and work out payment arrangements with the funeral home. From what you have sad, they could all afford about $50 per month. If you take all of the brothers and your parents, that would be about $300 per month. They need to start sending that directly to the funeral home immediately. It is highly unlikely the funeral home will take any further action if they are being paid on a regular basis without fail.

You have gone above and beyond as it is, at this point they are taking advantage of you...they are grown-ups, they need to be gently, but firmly forced to be accountable. JMHO

 

[pearlieq]

Not a chance! You've already paid more than your fair share.

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your sister.

This situation has nothing to do with your sister. She's gone now. Funerals are for the living, and your parents spent way beyond their means for their own reasons. Refusing to pay the bill has nothing to do with "dishonoring" your sister or her memory. It's about not being taken advantage of by your parents.

Do not pay any more. This is not your problem.

 

[poohandwendy]

Your family may be more inclined to pay back the funeral home but not you.

That is true. OP, look at what is happening right now. They are only addressing this because the funeral home is giving them trouble, by calling all of the time. You know they would not be doing anything if they were not being hounded, or they would have been making payments to the funeral home already. That is exactly what will happen if you pay the bill. They will not pay you without being hounded.

Stay out of the situation by leaving this between them and the funeral home. Tell them you are not a bank and cannot afford to pay it. Even if you have the credit available, that does not mean you are any more in the position to part with that sort of money than they are.

 

[paigevz]

I agree with everyone else. Tell them all that you can not go into debt for this, and you have paid your share. Tell them they can make any incremental payments to the funeral home, and likely as long as it's receiving money it will back off.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am assuming that you have not signed anything that would make this your obligation.

NO, I would not, out of the goodness of my heart, pay out that kind of money.

I am SO sorry in the loss of your sister!!!

However, you have paid your share.

PS: I too think that it is very surprizing to hear that a funeral home did not require full payment. As one poster mentioned, the reason for this is obvious.

If the Funeral Home did approve this credit with your parents, then it is up to them and your parents to handle payment arrangements.

You have done your part!

 

[poohandwendy]

I just wanted to add, if they do agree to start making payments to the funeral home, do not let them sucker you into being the organizer and collector of the money. Distance yourself from it completely and do not let them guilt or bully you into any more obligation.

I always find it incredible how family members try to manipulate eachother with guilt and bully tactics. It's so wrong.

 

[4nana]

I'm sorry about your sister.
But since you've already paid your fair share and you made no decisions about the cost of the arrangements I wouldn't pay anymore. Unless your name is on the bill, you are under no more obligation. I'm sorry, but your family shouldn't have made such lavish arrangements if they couldn't afford it. It doesn't sound like you'll get any money back from your siblings if you do incur the remaining costs. I'm sorry this is so difficult and they put you in this position.

Sorry for the loss your sister, so young . I agree with other posters. I was in this very position as I lost my dear 38yo brother 4 yrs ago. The funeral director gave us 24 hrs - no money, no funeral . W/O going into personal details ....my parents, myself/DH and 2 siblings split the $8000 bill. I loved my brother even tho he had many problems and donated the money and never looked back.

IMO, you've gone above and beyond the call of duty. It's time each member of your family, incl Mom and Dad, step up to the plate and be held accountable.

Good luck, don't let them make you feel quilty. I hope everything works out.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Have your parents and brothers make arrangements with the funeral home for monthly payments. They'd rather get some of the money than none. At this point, I'd totally back out of the situation and let them handle it.

Agree here. You have paid double so you are done. In fact I would ask for them to pay you BACK!!! See how that goes over.

Sorry for your loss...

 

[wilderness01]

DaisyD wrote: Since she is your sister I'd just go ahead and pay the bill. Just because your brothers have no respect for her doesn't mean you don't have to. I can't imagine arguing over paying a siblings funeral bill. How sad.


I totally disagree with this. You have paid more than your fair share and would more than likely from what it sounds, never see this money again. I would back away from the situation and let your parents handle this.

So sorry for your loss. Hang in there.

 

[klmall]

I am so sorry for the loss of your sister at such a young age and now this trouble.

Money is always a problem in situations like this. I would not pay any more than what you have paid so far. If possible I would talk to the funeral home and find out the state law regarding the handling of this debt and then let all relatives involved including your parents know that you are not paying any more.

I have been in your situation as the sibling with money and my experience with "picking up the check" is that you will not be repaid and the risk of bitterness and family pain is not one I would take ever again.

 

[Hannathy]

I agree with everyone but the poster who said to pay it. Do not spend your savings or else you could end up in the same position as your parents or sister who sadly died without even being able to pay for her funeral. You need to look out for yourself and put yourself first-cause with this group they aren't taking care of you!! You are not dishonoring your sister she is gone and doesn't know about who is paying the bill. They are in this mess because the spent more than they should have and this sounds like a real pattern don't let them lead you to becoming the same way. You paid all you could afford and a generous amount at that. If the Home agreed to lending them the money let them get it back.
It would be a different situation if your sister was alive and needed the money to pay for surgery to save her life, but she is in a better place now and you need to care for you. AS a sister I certainly wouldn't want my sister to spend her security so I could have a fancy funeral.

 

[Mickey527]

I am also sorry for your loss. I dread the time that I know will come too soon when my sister who has an autoimmune disease and my brother who has Ms are no longer with me. However, they have both made arrangements for their funerals and I will only have the responsibility of being there for my nephews.
I have also written out my desires for my funeral and have made sure my boys know what I want and where the money is for these arrangements.
One other thing you should remember.
If you pay the entire amount for your sister, remember that the rest of your family is going to turn to you whenever something comes up and money is needed.
I think I read both parents and 5 brothers are still alive. That could mean 7 funerals or more if your brothers are married or have children.
It is time for them all to start to take responsibility and help out. You have your life to live and you can't always take care of everyone else.
Make sure they know that you have to plan for your future, even your future funeral costs and they should start doing the same.
I know it is hard since they are all in debt but you need to call the funeral home and give out names, addresses and phone numbers of all your family members. Tell the funeral home that you have already given all you can and they need to turn to the others even if it means harassing your parents.
Peggie

 

[Disney Doll]

As a follow-up from the OP.

I already paid $4000.00 towards the costs of the funeral a few days after the death. Because the total cost was $12k and I have five brothers and my parents, the per person cost divided equally would be a little less than $2K per person. So I have already paid more than double of that amount. Now that the bill for the full cost is due, I am being pressured to pay the remaining $8K so the family can get the accounts payable folks at the funeral home to stop calling.

All decisions about the funeral, burial, reception and casket were made by my parents, without my involvement, but they are in debt and can not pay anything towards the funeral now.

Well, if your parents made the decisions and signed the contract for the funeral home, then I would say it is their probplem.

I might reiterate to them that you have already paid $4000 towards it, which is more than anyone else in your family has done.

If you are not close, then it shouldn't be too much of a problem to avoid them, and their calls.

 

[Mad4Mickey]

I am sorry to sound mean and cruel . But a parent I can tell you that even if I couldnt I would ! Do you know what I mean ? The love of our children is fierce ! Your parents can figure out a way to pay for the balance . If they can not they may be able to ask for help form thier church .


You loved your sister even if you and she did not speak all the time . So I really think that the money you paid should be enough

God Bless you and my prayers are with you

 

[DaisyD]

DaisyD wrote: Since she is your sister I'd just go ahead and pay the bill. Just because your brothers have no respect for her doesn't mean you don't have to. I can't imagine arguing over paying a siblings funeral bill. How sad.


I totally disagree with this. You have paid more than your fair share and would more than likely from what it sounds, never see this money again. I would back away from the situation and let your parents handle this.

So sorry for your loss. Hang in there.

I am sure many do disagree. I just think that she is my sister. Whether the rest of the family has the respect to pay her bill is not my problem. I'd want to take care of it no matter what. After I took care of the bill I would ask the rest to pitch in. If they didn't then I'd just chalk it up to them being a bunch of clods.

 

[Planogirl]

Follow your conscience and your heart in this. You can apparently afford it but you don't want to be taken advantage of. I can certainly understand that; just don't do anything that you'll regret later. Good luck.