Family Vent....

[ronandannette]

My problem is that we moveved back to be near family. I know what it is like to raise a child on our own with no network. So I really appreciate the family aspect because we didn't have it. She has never lived 2 miles from my parents so she takes it for granted.

Actually, based in everything of yours I've read, you moved back to be near the family you wished you had - an ideal scenario that apparently does not jibe up with your reality. You seem to feel like since you sacrificed living in Florida to stay in NH that somehow the people in your life should understand that and change to meet your expectations. But it doesn't work like that. They are who they are and your posts in this thread have made it clear that you've known that for a long time.

Personally, from the other threads, I've thought that you have a very irrational fear of being on your own, even though you seem to have done fine in Florida before. You seem to feel like you need your family members as some sort of safety net, but are they really there for you in that way? You can't make them, or your family dynamic into something it's not and while I agree your sister sounds obnoxious, it's your unrealistic expectations that are at the root of the problem here. Reconsider moving back to Florida.

 

[JanaDee]

Actually, based in everything of yours I've read, you moved back to be near the family you wished you had - an ideal scenario that apparently does not jibe up with your reality. You seem to feel like since you sacrificed living in Florida to stay in NH that somehow the people in your life should understand that and change to meet your expectations. But it doesn't work like that. They are who they are and your posts in this thread have made it clear that you've known that for a long time.

Personally, from the other threads, I've thought that you have a very irrational fear of being on your own, even though you seem to have done fine in Florida before. You seem to feel like you need your family members as some sort of safety net, but are they really there for you in that way? You can't make them, or your family dynamic into something it's not and while I agree your sister sounds obnoxious, it's your unrealistic expectations that are at the root of the problem here. Reconsider moving back to Florida.

You nailed it.

 

[cabanafrau]

How do you guys keep track of all this stuff? Maybe it's just because my job makes me feel like I'm swimming in names, faces and details of people's lives every day, but I remember little of what goes on here well enough to necessarily link it to this poster or that poster. I hope I don't have oldtimer's kicking in & just don't recognize it.

 

[lovemygoofy]

That's a great question. I guess it is just easier that way? The thing is, for me, this issue is all about me and reigning my feelings in. I still appreciate the relationship she has with my son, even if her stepping in all the time annoys me. The bottom line is that right now, to my nephew and my son, my sister and I are almost interchangeable. My problem is I really need to put my feelings aside because my son has a fantastic network right now. It's the same thing with my dad. He and my sister are virtually the same person. He doesn't listen at all! I told him I didn't want my son to have soda but at 10 months he gave him a soda cap of sprite. Did it annoy me? Of course, but it doesn't happen regularly and I need to overlook it because I'm not willing to ruin a relationship over food.



Like I said above, I'm not worried about it because we already decided what we'll say about it. And you'd think that as someone who needs care until after 5:30 she would find some place that offers that, but she didn't. The place she chose is only open 7:30-5:00.

I guess I wonder when all the headache outweighs the few positives. You've mentioned your parents are away alot traveling and I'm sure your life is going to be more challenging with a new baby in your family. That will be a juggle with your children and trying to always work your sister's schedule.

I think I'm mostly saying this because if you would just add up and read the number of threads you have discussed being unhappy where you are, it would be obvious you want to go back to Florida and it sounds like that is what is best for your core family.

 

[Motherofcats8]

I have no one here to vent too because the only people we see are family members so here goes!

Like every other mom of a toddler I have multiple bins of outgrown clothes. My sister comes over and goes through the bins and takes clothes for her son. I don't mind, and even encourage it because why buy clothes when you can just take these for free. Anything my son is done with is free reign for her. That's just how it's been.

Yesterday my sister is talking about a Rock and Play Sleeper that she has. She received it as a gift, used, from a coworker. She never used it and it's still in the bag she gave it to her in. She mentions she is wanting it out of her house. I say I may be interested. (When DS was born we lived in a small 1300 square foot one floor home. He always slept in his crib whenever he slept because there was no room anywhere else for a pack and play or any type of bassinet. And let's be honest, his room was 3 steps from anywhere else in the house. Now we live in a bigger 2 story home where our first floor is bigger than our whole house was. It would be nice to have a bassinet type thing for naps for the new baby.)

So she says sure, just give me some money and you can have it. WHAT?!?! I've given you any of my son's things that you've wanted and you want to charge me for this??.........



I did say something along the lines of I let you take any of DS's stuff you want, anytime you want, and you want to charge me? To which she replies, I bought 95% of his clothes anyway, so I should get them back. While it is true, she did buy him clothes, it was nowhere near 95%.......

I left just thinking I watch your son 5 days a week for less than daycare charges and I provide formula, bottles, diapers and now food and I don't charge when you're off during school vacations. I keep him late when you need me to, one night until 8pm, so you and your husband can get things done. I take him on weekends when you need me to, and this summer while she and my brother in law work at the Nascar track for a weekend we'll be toting him with us to my husband's company outing. All this and she scoffs when I need her to watch my son and tells me to ask my parents, to which her husband tells her not to be so rude and of course they'll take him.


Thanks for listening!

You could start charging her for the formula, diapers, bottles and food, not to mention adding on another $10 per 15 minutes late like any other daycare. It might get through to her, but then again, it would probably just make her more angry. Good luck!!!

 

[ilovefh]

Actually, based in everything of yours I've read, you moved back to be near the family you wished you had - an ideal scenario that apparently does not jibe up with your reality. You seem to feel like since you sacrificed living in Florida to stay in NH that somehow the people in your life should understand that and change to meet your expectations. But it doesn't work like that. They are who they are and your posts in this thread have made it clear that you've known that for a long time.

Personally, from the other threads, I've thought that you have a very irrational fear of being on your own, even though you seem to have done fine in Florida before. You seem to feel like you need your family members as some sort of safety net, but are they really there for you in that way? You can't make them, or your family dynamic into something it's not and while I agree your sister sounds obnoxious, it's your unrealistic expectations that are at the root of the problem here. Reconsider moving back to Florida.

I don't think it's a case of "I moved here for you, so change for me." You're right that I've known for a long time how my sister is. She has mellowed a bit as she has gotten older and is actually much more relaxed with my nephew than I thought she'd be. Well at least to us, her inlaws are another story. This is why I let things go with my dad. His relationship with my son is more important than any of my feelings. Same thing with my sister. While she annoys me with stuff like this and yes, it does aggravate me, my son has a fantastic relationship with her and my BIL, that my feelings are not as important. But that doesn't meant I don't have them or don't want to vent about them.

What I meant by the piece you quoted is that because she has no concept of ever doing anything on her own and I mean anything, she takes everything for granted. I know what it is like to have to coordinate a baby sitter in advance and have to pay a sitter just to go see a movie. I know what it is like to have to take my son to my school's open house because there was no one else to watch him. I know what it is like to have to bring a 10 month old to the hospital because I was having surgery and my husband had to be there. I know what it is like to do everything with a small child in tow. Now I'm not claiming hardship! I know people everywhere do this all the time! All I'm saying is that not having to worry about coordinating a sitter is nice. When DH had surgery this fall and then ended up being in the hospital again a few weeks later it was nice to be able to go and see him and not worry about someone to watch DS. Heck,last year I walked into daycare with 1.5 weeks of school left and found the kids locked in the playroom, with my 3 yr old in a pack and play and the providers were in the living room watching TV. My mom had already taken the next week off to watch my nephew so my sister could go back for the last week and she offered to take DS too so he would not have to go back there. All I'm saying is that I appreciate the help because I know how great it is, while she expects help because that is always how her life has been. (I mean, my mom still did her hair through college and even did her laundry when she and BIL moved into an apartment together. She would drop the basket off and when it was folded and ironed my dad would drop it off.)

And I don't have any fear of being on my own. In fact, I really enjoyed it. My reason for moving back here (whether we'll stay is another question all together) was so that my son could have the relationship with my parents that I had with my grandparents. We lived 6 houses down the street from them and we were there all the time. It was my second home and I was very close to them. They were able to come to softball games, dance recitals, graduations and birthdays. I didn't like that my son only got to see his grandparents a few times a year. I didn't like that on his first birthday party that we had to Skype with my dad. I didn't like the thought that they would not be able to be physical presence in his life on a regular basis.

Now did I say in a previous thread that it made me nervous to move while pregnant and have a second child with no network? Of course I did. In FL my husband would have just started a new job so there would be no time off. I'd be recovering from a c-section and taking care of a newborn and a 4 year old with no help. I'd have no way to get him to school in the first 2 weeks or so (there is no bus for the school he would go to.) Now here, DH would get time off and my parents would be 6 houses up the street. DS could take the bus or DH or my parents could bring him to school. Heck, even my sister would be off during the second week. Who wouldn't think it would be easier? Could we do it in FL? Of course we could, but that doesn't change the fact that it would be easier here.

 

[ilovefh]

I guess I wonder when all the headache outweighs the few positives. You've mentioned your parents are away alot traveling and I'm sure your life is going to be more challenging with a new baby in your family. That will be a juggle with your children and trying to always work your sister's schedule.

I think I'm mostly saying this because if you would just add up and read the number of threads you have discussed being unhappy where you are, it would be obvious you want to go back to Florida and it sounds like that is what is best for your core family.

You're definitely right. Right now we're stuck on how do we leave this awesome house. It's everything we ever wanted and much more! But that is just because it is approaching summer and we're outside again. Come fall it will get cold and we'll hate it again!

 

[bethy]

It sounds like you've thought about this a lot and that the positives of living near family do in fact outweigh the negatives for you. And that is great! Sometimes just making that conscious choice and owning it can bring a sense of peace and contentment. When you get frustrated just continue to remind yourself that you've made the decision that it is worth it. If you moved back to Florida you'd have frustrations there - just a different kind.

Also, if you stay where you are I think that over the course of years, you'll figure out a way to mentally deal with different family members and their quirks - just as they'll likely do with you. Things will settle.

 

[AKpooh]

first off hugs to you. second quit doing things above and beyond what you think you should do. my is the same way like yours though she is the middle child. I finally came to the realization that just because she is my sister doesn't mean I have to like her. I realize you wanted to move closer to family but if they take her side then that is no family. stop giving her free clothes, stop getting her son things other than holidays etc. again I am sorry you are going through this.

 

[ariel71]

So you want to vent but then DEFEND the situation every time someone has a suggestion to help change it. You obviously think the benefits (and I use that word loosely) outweigh the dysfunction. Proverbial bed made.

Why you think it's a good thing to expose your son on a daily basis to narcissistic and selfish people who treat his parents poorly is beyond me. They shouldn't get a free pass because you share genes.

 

[AnAmericanInDisney]

Sounds like there's a little jealousy goin' around. You are jealous your sis has more disposable income. She's jealous you get to stay home with the kids. You're both jealous that the other gets extra stuff and attention from mom and dad. Let it go. Not worth worrying over a crib. Just lock the older kids in the playroom when the baby needs to sleep (j/k).

 

[ilovefh]

So you want to vent but then DEFEND the situation every time someone has a suggestion to help change it. You obviously think the benefits (and I use that word loosely) outweigh the dysfunction. Proverbial bed made.

Why you think it's a good thing to expose your son on a daily basis to narcissistic and selfish people who treat his parents poorly is beyond me. They shouldn't get a free pass because you share genes.

I won't defend her. When I addressed that she doesn't do things nice just to get things in return I was trying to be as nice as possible. Does she do it so she looks good and it makes others look bad? Sure, but she doesn't do it to get other things. She so impulsive that she doesn't think 2 steps ahead of where she is, ever.

And you're right, they probably shouldn't get a free pass.

Sounds like there's a little jealousy goin' around. You are jealous your sis has more disposable income. She's jealous you get to stay home with the kids. You're both jealous that the other gets extra stuff and attention from mom and dad. Let it go. Not worth worrying over a crib. Just lock the older kids in the playroom when the baby needs to sleep (j/k).

I don't think there's jealousy, at least not from my end. If I wanted to make more money I could find a job (or 3 like she does) and I could get DH to get a second job like her DH has. I keep saying this but IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY!! I used to teach and have a waitressing job and a summer job before DS. For now, with all the issues we have with DS, I'm much better off staying home with him. The progress he had made by being one on one is amazing! I only mentioned that they made more because another poster asked if we made more than they do.

And I'm really not sure where you get that we're jealous about extra stuff from mom and dad. Am I jealous that my mom did her hair until she moved out after college? Heck no! I'm embarrassed for her! Am I jealous that my parents did her laundry even after she moved out? And that when my parents went away for 2 months a coworker offered to do her laundry for her while and she took her up on it? No way! She was 25! Am jealous that she lived with them for so long and then has only lived in 2 places and both are within 2 miles of them? No way! I'm glad I went 900 miles away to college. I'm glad I lived in Florida twice.

Like I said before, for me it's about expectations. She expects free reign of DS's old things, bottles, clothes, furniture, carriers, everything, but then isn't the same in return.

 

[TaylorEar]

Like I said before, for me it's about expectations. She expects free reign of DS's old things, bottles, clothes, furniture, carriers, everything, but then isn't the same in return.

It sounds like she expects those things because those expectations have always been met. Why shouldn't she expect it? If everybody around her has always given her whatever she wants without anything in return she will obviously go right on expecting those same things in the future. This seems like less of a sister-problem and more of a everybody-else problem. You can't be upset that she is acting how she has been taught/allowed/enabled to act.

 

[amg35]

Sounds like there's a little jealousy goin' around. You are jealous your sis has more disposable income. She's jealous you get to stay home with the kids. You're both jealous that the other gets extra stuff and attention from mom and dad. Let it go. Not worth worrying over a crib. Just lock the older kids in the playroom when the baby needs to sleep (j/k).

I agree. I'm not saying you are wrong, or that she's not thoughtless - I'm just wondering if you have a little of the "jealous of the baby" syndrome. Just from reading this thread, you seem to have a whole laundry list of problems with her. So bad that you are considering moving away!

Before making any huge decisions based on this particular situation, just make sure you aren't more annoyed with her because of how she was treated differently by your parents. Perhaps that clouds your opinion of her.

 

[Laura66]

I think you may be a bit judgemental and jealous. She might be the same.
Listen. They live close by and these arrangements and relationships have been going on for a while. It seems to work for them. You have lived far away and are used to not relying on others. Doesn't mean the way you have done things is right or that your sisters situation is wrong.
I think you are a bit jealous, and did expect everyone to change things when you moved here. A fairytale idea of a big loving family that welcomed you "home" with open arms. And since you lived away they would now be going out of their way to make your family the center of attention.
I'm not saying your sister and your family are perfect - but I'm not ready to concede that they are as bad as you say.

 

[Laura66]

I truly am not trying to be unkind. I'm sure if I lived far away from family I too would be jealous of a close relationship that I was missing out on.

 

[ilovefh]

I truly am not trying to be unkind. I'm sure if I lived far away from family I too would be jealous of a close relationship that I was missing out on.

I know what you mean. I can see where you may think I'm exxagerating or that she isn't as bad as I say. But, truthfully, it's probably worse than what it appears because I won't share everything.

But in order to be jealous there has to be something you want. I don't want her relationship with my parents. It is built on such a crazy amount of codependence that it's not even funny. That's not for me.

I used to rebel more, but I caught heck for it pretty quickly. The first time my parents went on a trip without us my mom asked me to do my sister's hair while she was gone. So I said sure, if you can give me a reason why a 21 year old still needs someone to do her hair, I'll be happy to do it. Boy she got mad.

Honestly, they did eventually see what they created but she was already an adult so they said there was nothing they could do to change it.

I think it all started when my parents tried to have a second child and they had 2 second trimester miscarriages. I think they felt like she was such a miracle that they treated her with kid gloves. Then she had a heart murmur and had to be watched carefully. I think that made them extra gentle. And believe me, I get wanting to act like that! DS was pregnancy #3 and he has epilepsy and delays. But after seeing my sister I look hard at how I parent.

If we were talking about me as a kid, I could say yes, I was jealous. I wanted to be able to have no consequences. I wanted to have no chores. I wanted to be able to cry and have everyone give in.

But as an adult I realize that I am much better off having been treated the way I was. I'm independent and confident. I've traveled and had a lot of different experiences that she was too afraid to have. I felt confident enough to go 900 miles away to college. I went to Greece, Spain and Italy while in high school on trips I saved money to pay for. She wanted to go to England her senior year but would only go if my mom went, which she did.

I don't envy that relationship. I'm perfectly content in the relationship I have with my parents.

 

[ronandannette]

Not trying to be saucy, but I just gotta ask - who's doing her hair now?

 

[Skywalker]

I understood the venting at the beginning, but the more this goes on the more you seem to want to paint yourself the hero and her as the villain. I mean so your sister can be thoughtless and a little selfish, guess what, I would say 100% of us have friends or relatives like that. I am sure you also have done some things that could be described that way. I don't see that she has done anything that bad really. Anyway, it is really simple, you can either take her or leave her. No one is ours to fix. And from what you say overall the relationship is mutually beneficial and in general really very good so I don't think I would write her out of my life because you are holding on to old resentments like how she had someone do her hair until she was 21 years old. If she offers to take your son during a tantrum, thank her and be happy, rather than stew about her motivations to "look good". Those are just assumptions on your part anyway.

 

[ilovefh]

Not trying to be saucy, but I just gotta ask - who's doing her hair now?

You honestly want to know? Her husband.