Family relationship troubles...advice??

[mbw12]

Well....here goes....not even sure I will hit 'send" when this is written...but.....

I wanted to get some unbiased advice about a family problem. To give a brief background, DH's family has always had some issues......in the beginning of my relationship with him, I always just chalked it up to the normal sibling rivalry and jealousy. It seemed as though my Dh always felt slighted in some way by his mother and always felt that his sister was favored. Dh and his father had a pretty good relationship......but looking back, the relationship mainly focused around a particular sport that DH excelled in and his father coached him in. Over the years, I have grown to see where the favortism wasn't all just "sibling rivalry"....there were some very tell tale signs about the sister being the favored and some valid issues. It even got to the point where other relatives and people were pointing it out to me. I got to the point, from an outsider of this family, that years of things had been brewing and it would take years of therapy to finally scrape the surface. It was/is still hard for me to understand...I come from a family of 5 siblings, and there seems to be much less squabbles and drama in my big family, than in DH's small family. Anyway, DH's father always knew how DH felt about the favortism, but never really did anything to try to stop it....put it this way, DH's mother and sister rule that man. Over the years, I have tried very hard to stay out of any of it....but of course, I support my DH and his feelings. Dh and his sister's rivalry got so bad, that they barely speak to each other.

anyway, fast forward and now grandchildren are involved....obviously my kids and DH's sister's kids. Things have become apparent that it is now happening with them. NOW, it does concern me....because these are my kids...but as long as they didn't notice...I kept my mouth shut. But now.....things have changed. The sport that "bonded" my DH and his father is now tearing it apart. They haven't spoken in quite a bit becasue of what is going on now. DH coaches our son in the sport.....and suddenly , his father has now gotten back into coaching at this age level, so that he can coach the grandson on the other side. He doesn't come to any of my son's practices, etc. And my son has been very hurt by this. When DH tried expalining to his father that it was hurting our son, he blew him off....and as usual my Dh was told to "get over it". I guess he is tired of being the one to let things go and "get over it" because now it is affecting my son who is very upset by this....and he is only 8! Yes, it seems as though this sport is so important to this family, that a SPORT is tearing it apart. I don't want any of my DH's bitterness to rub off on my son....but than again...I don't want to be saying to my son "get over it"....becasue shouldn't he have the right to express his feelings? He keeps questioning why his Uncle (the other boy's father) can't coach his cousin, rather than his grandpop. He keeps saying that his grandpop is both of theres...so it is not fair. (and before you ask, the sport is for rival teams....so at one point or another, the Grandpop would be coaching the one over the other head to head) My son basically looked at me the other day, and told me that his grandmother did something where she was favoring him over my daughter (6)...and it bothered him! so, I asked him what he thought and my 8 year old son looked at me and replied and said "I guess it runs in that family..."....so I asked him what runs in the family...and his answer shocked me.."Ignorance."

I can't do anything to change this whole coaching thing....but my question as a mother of a young child....what do I do about it for him? In other words...do I allow him to voice his feelings? Do I tell him to just let things go....I am so torn. My Dh and his father can have their own squabble/not speaking to each other drama....but I want to know how to handle this for my son.....My DH is trying to not let my son see how he is reacting to the whole situation...but of course, my son is smart enough to see that the two are not speaking to each other. As for me, yes, I am trying very hard to control MY feelings about this....but obviously, as a parent, my kid is hurt and yes, I am angry!

anyway, if you got this far in reading my post...thanks...I know it is quite long. I am sure that this is just the beginning of many many years of drama with this family....but now that it affects MY kid, I feel alot differently about it than I used to....and really don't know how to deal.

 

[simba928]

I'm sorry your son has to suffer the consequences of how his grandparents are acting. I don't have any advice, just

 

[Stacerita]

I wish I could tell you something to make it work or to make it go away. But I can't. We have a similar thing in my family. My father was the one over looked in his family of 7 kids and was constantly slided by his parents. Him marry my mother didn't help. When the grandchildren came (my brother and I and cousins), my brother and I quickly figured out we weren't liked as much as our cousins. As time went on it was more and more apparent. My brother and I have always excelled at what we did....sports, school, extra-ciricular activties and so forth. Not once have we ever been acknowledge for any of it. But, my cousins every time the were in jail, or when they needed to "hide out" for a while were talked up like they were the president. My brother and I decided as we got older that if they didn't want us as their family, we surely didn't want them. And that goes for their great grandkids as well. He has 3 I have 1 and they have only seen mine once in 10 years. And they live like 30 mins away. So I can totally empathize with your situation. All I can say is protect your children's feelings. Do what you can to make them feel special and loved and important. Not sure if saying anything to the inlaws would make a difference. Good luck.

 

[Skywalker]

When it comes to your son and the coaching issue, I don't know why you can't just say something like, "Well, X's team needs a coach and grandpa loves X sport. I'm sure if your team didn't have a coach, grandpa would have been just as happy to take on your team." Or something to that effect and then let it drop. Your son is only 8, there is no need to drag him into the drama yet. And for when the two teams go "head to head", I mean, how serious is it all being taken at that age? Just teach him to have fun.

As for the other long-standing family issues, I know they are a pain. I deal with $%@^&#* in-laws as well. Just keep issues light with your son right now, no need to dwell on things with him.

 

[disneylizzy]

Like you said, there is a looong family history of this and it sounds like there is so much more involved than a simple sport. I'm not sure what you can do, other than protect your child, but remember he will take his cues from how you handle things, in other words, if you act like this is just a bump in the road and a disappointment, he will handle it better than if he thinks that you are concerned that he will be very, very hurt.

I think your husband has to decide to move past his childhood and the favoritism issues and deal strictly with his own (your) family. Sometimes you can't do anything about the weird way some people relate and you just have to decide not to deal with them on that level anymore. I guess I'm saying to put a little distance between him and his parents and sister. Your family is what matters.

 

[noseybuddy]

If your DH's parents haven't changed the way they treat your DH by now, I don't think they ever will and I see this behavior they have rolling onto your kids, meaning possibly treating them the same way. Believe me, my DH's mom didn't like me from day one, treated me bad and now has no relationship with my kids because SHE chose to have it that way. I would confront your husbands parents about the situation and tell them how I feel and if they can't treat their grandchildren equally then there probably won't be any relationship there at all. JMO

 

[Pugdog007]

It sounds to me like your son has overheard you and DH's conversations about his grandparents. I don't think an 8yo would have come up with that on his own.

 

[mbw12]

It sounds to me like your son has overheard you and DH's conversations about his grandparents. I don't think an 8yo would have come up with that on his own.

Rugdog- Honestly, and I am sorry you won't believe me...we really haven't discussed any of it in front of them. So, yes, that is why it was a shock to ME that he responded that way.
NOW...in all fairness (or bias-ness, I could say), I have no idea what my son could have ever possibly heard from the in-laws themselves!!! I know they have had some conversations where I have been present about other issues, where I have asked them to take the conversation elsewhere and not speak about it in front of my kids.

 

[lookingforward]

Forgive me if this is a silly suggestion, but have you thought about moving or joining another athletic league so that you son's team does not compete with your father-in-law/nephews team? Maybe moving a few miles away to another city or county might help. It sounds like it will never change adn that is a shame. I feel for you and your family.

 

[OhMari]

If you don't start ignoring the behavior now, it is only going to escalate. Can't your parents, or your brothers and sisters come to the games and help cheer your son on.

 

[Annie68]

No advice to offer, just a . I know how painful it can be, my MIL made it quite obvious that my SIL's son was her favorite . My kids picked up on it early, we didn't make excuses...just told the kids that she did love them but that it was her loss to not get to know them better.

Maybe that Will Farrell movie, "Kicking and Screaming", would be a good gift for your FIL?!

 

[A4Disney]

Well....here goes....not even sure I will hit 'send" when this is written...but.....

I wanted to get some unbiased advice about a family problem. To give a brief background, DH's family has always had some issues......in the beginning of my relationship with him, I always just chalked it up to the normal sibling rivalry and jealousy. It seemed as though my Dh always felt slighted in some way by his mother and always felt that his sister was favored. Dh and his father had a pretty good relationship......but looking back, the relationship mainly focused around a particular sport that DH excelled in and his father coached him in. Over the years, I have grown to see where the favortism wasn't all just "sibling rivalry"....there were some very tell tale signs about the sister being the favored and some valid issues. It even got to the point where other relatives and people were pointing it out to me. I got to the point, from an outsider of this family, that years of things had been brewing and it would take years of therapy to finally scrape the surface. It was/is still hard for me to understand...I come from a family of 5 siblings, and there seems to be much less squabbles and drama in my big family, than in DH's small family. Anyway, DH's father always knew how DH felt about the favortism, but never really did anything to try to stop it....put it this way, DH's mother and sister rule that man. Over the years, I have tried very hard to stay out of any of it....but of course, I support my DH and his feelings. Dh and his sister's rivalry got so bad, that they barely speak to each other.

anyway, fast forward and now grandchildren are involved....obviously my kids and DH's sister's kids. Things have become apparent that it is now happening with them. NOW, it does concern me....because these are my kids...but as long as they didn't notice...I kept my mouth shut. But now.....things have changed. The sport that "bonded" my DH and his father is now tearing it apart. They haven't spoken in quite a bit becasue of what is going on now. DH coaches our son in the sport.....and suddenly , his father has now gotten back into coaching at this age level, so that he can coach the grandson on the other side. He doesn't come to any of my son's practices, etc. And my son has been very hurt by this. When DH tried expalining to his father that it was hurting our son, he blew him off....and as usual my Dh was told to "get over it". I guess he is tired of being the one to let things go and "get over it" because now it is affecting my son who is very upset by this....and he is only 8! Yes, it seems as though this sport is so important to this family, that a SPORT is tearing it apart. I don't want any of my DH's bitterness to rub off on my son....but than again...I don't want to be saying to my son "get over it"....becasue shouldn't he have the right to express his feelings? He keeps questioning why his Uncle (the other boy's father) can't coach his cousin, rather than his grandpop. He keeps saying that his grandpop is both of theres...so it is not fair. (and before you ask, the sport is for rival teams....so at one point or another, the Grandpop would be coaching the one over the other head to head) My son basically looked at me the other day, and told me that his grandmother did something where she was favoring him over my daughter (6)...and it bothered him! so, I asked him what he thought and my 8 year old son looked at me and replied and said "I guess it runs in that family..."....so I asked him what runs in the family...and his answer shocked me.."Ignorance."

I can't do anything to change this whole coaching thing....but my question as a mother of a young child....what do I do about it for him? In other words...do I allow him to voice his feelings? Do I tell him to just let things go....I am so torn. My Dh and his father can have their own squabble/not speaking to each other drama....but I want to know how to handle this for my son.....My DH is trying to not let my son see how he is reacting to the whole situation...but of course, my son is smart enough to see that the two are not speaking to each other. As for me, yes, I am trying very hard to control MY feelings about this....but obviously, as a parent, my kid is hurt and yes, I am angry!

anyway, if you got this far in reading my post...thanks...I know it is quite long. I am sure that this is just the beginning of many many years of drama with this family....but now that it affects MY kid, I feel alot differently about it than I used to....and really don't know how to deal.

WOW!I'm so sorry...as for the drama thing w/small families,I have noticed it too.I am the one of 7 and we don't have any petty issues yet I know 4 families off the top of my head with 2 kids(daughter/son)and they have a lot of favortism issues and sibling rivalry into their 30's!My advice is drastic,but I think I'd move!Even just an hour away would help I would think

 

[LoveWDW]

I am surprised that there are people pointing the problem out to you. "It even got to the point where other relatives and people were pointing it out to me. I"

Sounds like somebody was trying to make trouble.

It hurts like anything. I know because we were in a similar situation with our son's grandma favoring one grandchild over the other. I did speak to her about it- mentioning that the younger son was noticing. She did improve.

If it comes up with your children, you could make as little as possible of it- shrug and say "that's just grandma" and change the subject. I knew for years that one of my siblings was preferred over the others. I lived with it. The world isn't fair. I hope that you are able to find a solution. Becoming alienated from the grandparents should not be an option, in my humble opinion. I'd suggest helping the children learn their own self-worth and not feel less than worthy because someone else is prefered.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I suppose ask yourself how you want to handle this? More importantly you need to take your dh out and discuss in private how you want to handle this family problem. Be united and stick to your guns.

The idea is to create a life seperate from people that hurt you. Find a different sports league, move, etc...give yourself SPACE! Actively solve your problems.

When your son says something, acknowledge his feelings, give him a hug...lots of them. Acceptance of reality is KEY to moving on with family "ills".

 

[Wishing on a star]

Your DH is the key here.

If your DH wants to drag your little DS into the mud, then there may not be a whole lot that you can do.

As a parent, I can say (from personal experience) that if it became evident that the situation was detrimental to your DS, then I would give DH an ultimatum. If his 'issues' with his family are more important than your sons feelings/well-being, then this would be completely unacceptable.

I put up with my FIL's negative BS for years and years. I always told myself that I would not let it affect my marriage. But, the first time I saw my little DS (also 8) affected by the situation, I told DH that I and DS would simply not see the inlaws again. Either he could make a choice and protect his wife and his son, or we would not see his parents. Period.

IMHO, there is no excuse for inlaws being hurtful to spouses and children, and the son of the inlaws refusing to protect his family from the behaviour. Simply continuing to subject them to that kind of treatment.

One day your son will be mature enough to wonder just why in the heck does dad let grandpa treat us this way. Are grandpas feelings more important to Dad than my feelings? Is dads relationship with grandpa more important than his relationship with me? etc...

 

[lbgraves]

It sounds to me like your DS is a smart kid. They can pick up on every little thing...and this doesn't sound like it has ever been a little problem. I nipped this behavior in the bud with my parents 5 years ago...and it has been nice & quiet ever since. I refused to have them treat my kids differently and after they shunned my nephew for my neice I knew that it would happen if I let it continue. My kids weren't old enough to notice the difference in gifts & attention at the time so I don't have to deal with the effects of their behavior. (((HUGS))) to all of you.

 

[barkley]

i am always amazed in these and similar situation where it is agony for the child or the child's spouse to be around the parents/inlaws yet they continue to foster a relationship "for the sake of our kids". what kind of relationship are these people fostering-in my opinion one that models that it is o.k. for someone to treat you like cr** just because they are family.

before having kids i witnessed my (now decesed) fil talking up one set of grandkids to the others, extolling their virtues and achievements (he did the same when talking to one of his kids about another). my dh and i took a firm stand that when we had kids we were not going to either subject them to this or cause resentment against them from their cousins if they happened to become the "golden children" in their grandfather's eyes. as a result we did not interact with him much. i also had to recently make a very heart wrenching decision to cut off contact with a sibling (who my kids adored) because his behaviour was such that it caused myself such anguish (and physical illness) every time we were together. while i am saddened that my kids (for the time being) will be unable to communicate with him, i can't believe that their seeing their mom and other family members angry and upset by him and excusing his behaviour with "oh, thats just the way he is" was teaching them anything of value.

i think it's important for your son to be able to voice his opinions, listen to him and dont make excuses. you can validate his feelings with "i understand why you feel that way, and you're right it's not fair-but things in life arent always fair" and "i know this makes you sad, and it's ok to feel sad-just understand that this is not your fault, you've done nothing to cause this".

i would hope that this negative experience will result in your son being very aware of others feelings and how one person can hurt others so deeply.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would probably put as much distance between myself and these folks as possible.

I wouldn't deny your son's feelings or observations. I'd validate them..."Yes, Grandpa is silly for liking Johnny better than you, but it's his loss, because you are such a great kid".

I also think I'd get out of the same league and try to get into another league that plays that sport.

I also think that if I was ever questioned as to the "coolness" that will develop between you guys & your in-laws, I'd say "you treat us like second class citizens, favor the other grandchildren over mine. Why would we want to spend time with you?" I'd say it very matter-of-factly, and I'd move on. Of course, your DH has to be on board with this.

I am also of the mind that just because someone is related to you, doesn't mean you have to like them or want to be in their company, or tolerate their bad behavior. That "family" baloney is just that...baloney. The manipulative nasty family members always get away with a lot crap because someone always says "they're family". So what. They don't care about hurting your feelings, or treating you like crap, and you're "family" to them too, remember?

Bad beahvior is bad behavior. If you wouldn't tolerate it form your friends. don't tolerate it from your family.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I can't do anything to change this whole coaching thing....but my question as a mother of a young child....what do I do about it for him? In other words...do I allow him to voice his feelings? Do I tell him to just let things go....I am so torn. My Dh and his father can have their own squabble/not speaking to each other drama....but I want to know how to handle this for my son.....

My DH is trying to not let my son see how he is reacting to the whole situation...but of course, my son is smart enough to see that the two are not speaking to each other. As for me, yes, I am trying very hard to control MY feelings about this....but obviously, as a parent, my kid is hurt and yes, I am angry!

I thought I would give this a 'bump' for today.

I have a question. If things are so bad that your DH is barely even on speaking terms with his father and his sister, then how, and why, is your son having so much contact with these people???? I would hate to think that things are this bad, yet you continue to spend time with these people and subject your son to be hearing all about how it is goiing with his Grandpa coaching the other cousin. ??????

As far as how to handle it with your son. I would definately validate his feelings. However, things are not always exactly equal. Why should it be such a problem for the Grandpa to help coach the one team. Your son has his very own Dad coaching his team. Why is this such a huge deal that Grandpa be there. It sounds like there are some skewed ideals and expectations here. It sounds like it has been set up where it is expected that Grandpa be more like a parent???? And, it seems like good old Grandpa is using this situation in a very warped way.

In cases like this, it is true that you cannot be 'hurt' unless you set yourself up for it and 'allow' yourself to be hurt.

I have to wonder why your DH, having experienced this personallly, has let this situation evolve to this point. ??????

So, first, I would put some real distance between myself and my son and these family members.

And, secondly, I think you should talk frankly with your son about just what his expectations are, and why they may not be realistic.

 

[aprilgail2]

I'm sorry but my child would not be spending time around anyone that made them feel like a second class citizen. If there was favortism shown to anyone that made my child feel bad I would not expose them to it. I would give the grandparents a talk saying the kids have noticed it themselves and if it didn't change then we would not be spending time with them again.
I havea friend who's grandmother did this....but it was to the extreme...she would bring the borther a new bike and nothing for the sisters..the brother would get a christmas gift and nothing for the sisters....how screwed up is that??? And he parents let her get away with it.. I would have stopped that straight away..if you don't bring for all then bring for none!