Family relationship troubles...advice??

[Wishing on a star]

Me again,

Just wanted to clarify something.

After sending my post, and reading aprilgails post, I wanted to say that, when I mention things not always being exactly 'equal', this would not apply to siblings!!! With siblings, things should be as equal as possible.

However, in this case, the whole point that I was making is that in this situation, it is almost like the Grandfather is expected to be almost like another father. And, the cousins are expected to be treated almost like siblings.

This, IMHO, is VERY wrong. These expectations themselves are detrimental. The 'comparisons' could go on forever!!!! It is different families, different households, different relationships, etc.. etc.. etc..

In this case, the son has his very own father coaching his team. He should be thankful, and not sitting around making negative comparisons with others outside of his own very immediate family. (those in his own household) The comparisons could go on forever. The grass is always greener. This is NOT a good thing.

Now, I am NOT saying that the Grandpa is not in the wrong here!!!!
He is!!!
But, not just because he is coaching the other team. He is wrong because of the negative hurtful neglectful and competitive behavior.

I just thought it might be good to disect and clarify the different issues.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

In this case, the son has his very own father coaching his team. He should be thankful, and not sitting around making negative comparisons with others outside of his own very immediate family. (those in his own household) The comparisons could go on forever. The grass is always greener. This is NOT a good thing.

Yes, you are right but I think what is going on is the typical "distraction" anger. I think it is called misplaced anger????

They cannot seem to solve or deal with the "favortism" issue, so they nitpick other things.

We all do this until we are ready to actively solve problems. So the OP is not alone in doing things to try and hide from the real burning hurts. I know I used to do it alot.
More common to be mad at the Grandpa than to DH for not "dealing with it".
It is common behavior OP, so don't think that you are "different" than anyone else with family problems. Heck, I moved 600 miles away...

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, that's right!

It's all those 'little straws' until the person realizes the real weight and cause of the problems!


But, it does sound like some very skewed expectations and comparisons are definately going on here. If so, I hoped to point that out to the OP.

 

[mbw12]

I really appreciate everyone's opinions and advice on this. I did hesitate at first to hit the send button....because I was somehow afraid of how it would turn out......but I really wanted (or needed?) to get some un-biased opinions.

You all have given me a great amount of things to think about and really decide how to handle this...in the short term and the long run.

 

[diznygirl]

Personally, I think New Jersey is a very cold place, and it might be time to move someplace warmer (and further away from your in-laws!)



I agree with Disney Doll - Bad behavior is bad behavior - they shouldn't get away with it just cuz they are "family."

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I would NOT acknowledge to your son that your FIL likes his other grandson better than he likes him. I would, when your son brings up the topic, admit that it doesn't seem very fair that Grandpa coaches the other team and doesn't make it to any of his games, but that sometimes things aren't fair and we can't change that. He can try telling his grandpa that he'd love it if he came to his game sometime.

I would also limit the amount of time you all spend with them.

How do the cousins get along?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I really appreciate everyone's opinions and advice on this. I did hesitate at first to hit the send button....because I was somehow afraid of how it would turn out......but I really wanted (or needed?) to get some un-biased opinions.

You all have given me a great amount of things to think about and really decide how to handle this...in the short term and the long run.

Glad we can help. It isn't easy when you hit the wall and then have to "redo" your life. I have done it many times. Now that I am 40, I have to live my life how I want, not cater to other's or live in the torment of another's baloney includes family!

Set yourself FREE!!! Good Luck!

 

[Tinkertude]

Forgive me if this is a silly suggestion, but have you thought about moving or joining another athletic league so that you son's team does not compete with your father-in-law/nephews team? Maybe moving a few miles away to another city or county might help. It sounds like it will never change adn that is a shame. I feel for you and your family.

I was thinking the same thing, but California