Family Members wanting MONEY

[lookingforward]

My family has never asked for money (all are much better off than I) but they do judge us for our "trips". We believe 100% that it is more important to make memories than buy possessions. So my kids don't have their own computers, televisions, etc. We share one. We have a home but we don't have a BIG home. My kids have memories to last a life time. When I am dead and gone they will laugh about how we surprised them with Disney, how we caught a 25 pound alaskan king salmon in 10 foot seas and I didn't get sick or when we got "locked" in the Hard Rock hotel during a hurricane and still made our Disney cruise.

FYI, I did borrow from my parents twice many moons ago and paid every penny back, even offered interest(they refused the interest). So I would not be adverse to helping a family member and have helped friends. (if the reason was a valid one and not just laziness as a lifestyle!)

 

[mking624]

Ugh, I completely understand.

A family member borrowed a HUGE amount of money from my mom (I'm talking 5 digits here). He is a DVC member (OKW) but claims he has absolutely no money so he has been refusing to pay my mom a dime. Yet somehow he manages to pay his yearly fees for DVC and has been unwilling to answer the question "why won't you sell your DVC?" In the mean time, my parents are struggling financially...they do their grocery shopping at their church's food pantry (if it wasn't for that, I don't know what they'd do) but just recently found one of my brother's is allergic to wheat flour and the other possibly has a gluten allergy...which makes food choices limited...and more expensive. They NEVER complain about their situation...but then here comes the "woe is me" DVC owning family member who supposedly cannot afford to pay my parents even $10 a month. Yeah, right.

But then he had the gall to use me to cover up his wrongdoing by saying "well she's adopting and needs to take out a loan for it and apply for grants, and yet she's going to WDW in September." First of all, it the situation had nothing to do with me. I'm not the one who borrowed all that money from her. And second, a trip of a little over $1000 does not compare to a $30,000 adoption fee. Our vacation is the only thing we do for us and we don't borrow money to go blow it on frivilous things while the person we borrowed from can't even feed their family properly. We take responsibility for our finances and the hoops we have to jump through for our adoption is on our own and we take full ownership of it.

Sorry about the long vent there...really it was all to say that money and family doesn't seem to mix at all. It just makes me so upset to see how many people trry to take advantage of family like that by using our responsible choices as their excuse for a handout.

 

[snowy76]

My MIL tries to "guilt" us about going to WDW. We scrimp and save spare change, and DH works a second job to save for our trips. One year my great-uncle died, and left part of his estate to my dad, who didn't want anything to do with it, so he gave us some of that money and told us to enjoy it. So we went to WDW and put a downpayment on our dream house. None of it any of MIL's business, so of course she thinks we're rolling in cash. Me being a teacher doesn't help -- she thinks we all make $60K -- I've only been teaching for four years.

We've taken our two oldest (DH's from 1st marriage, and my stepkids) to WDW twice in the last two years. We wanted to take them while they were still young enough to experience the parks as kids. DS is already almost 13 and even last year, he was showing signs of that "I am continually embarrassed by my parents" attitude Now we have a new baby and can't afford to go for a while... so we are very glad we stretched the budget and went the last two years. We think DS #1 will be almost out of h.s. before we take DS #2 on his first trip to the World.

So what does MIL say last month when she came to visit? She was holding my 3 month old baby and telling him "The only thing I ever wanted was to see your brother and sister go to WDW for the first time and I never go to see it. Maybe your mom and dad will take pity on me when you go for the first time and let me come too." BTW, she never once mentioned ever wanting to go with us... that's right, because she didn't have the money and she knew we wouldn't pay for her. What she never gets is that we couldn't pay for her very easily. As it is I took money from our vacation fund and I gave her the money to move last year because she needed to find a new place. She blew the money on goodness knows what... all I know is that she called DH's ex wife to borrow MORE money! (She and I have a good relationship and she called to let me know b/c she knew I had already loaned MIL the money!)

My MIL retired with no real savings and blew through her lump sum pension in 5 years... mostly on vacations, doll collecting (she won't sell any to make any spare money), and dining out (she refuses to cook, or to even reheat restaurant leftovers!). She even gets food stamps and STILL eats out several nights a week. My tax money is paying for her to buy food she doesn't eat, that just sits in her pantry and goes bad because she can't be bothered to cook. In the meantime, MY kids eat PBJ all the time so that we can save the extra money for our trips. I'd love to have MIL along at WDW... if she shows some fiscal responsibility and makes sacrifices like we do to experience Disney.

 

[RangerPooh]

We have had this type of experience with family. DH and I do not make too much money but are comfortable. We own our own home, are putting our way through grad school/PhD, have one DD with a second on the way, have newer cars (took a lot of work to pay off ), and try to make 2 trips to WDW each year as our reward.

We have done our share of help for family members when it was needed. My parents were in a terrible financial bind and we offered that they move in with us to help with their finances, which has worked out well. We have also helped SIL whe her family needed the money. However I did have to inform DH that we would give them gift cards rather than cash so that it went to the desired item (ie: gas gift card, Safeway gift card, Mervyns gift card). Sometimes there are complaints as it's not "enough", they wanted the cash, or it wasn't to the "right" places. IMO just be greatful that someone is helping you out while realizing that they will probably NOT see the money again.

When we have borrowed money from family members we tell them they date that it will be returned and do our best to make sure that it is returned by that date. If there is a holdup (such as a weekend payday, which means wait until Monday not Friday) we let them know so they don't worry. However I do find it odd that the same people who borrow from us and rarely return it question whether WE will pay them back when we always do.

DH and I regualry receive critisizm from his family (and some of mine) regarding our family trips to Disney. They don't see the point to it and view it as a waste of money. They also then complain because we won't pay for them to go. Our response, is maybe if they didn't spend their $ on cigaretts, junk, or tatoos then maybe they'd have extra money. We have taken SIL 2 kids on various trip with us as thank you for babysitting or just becuase they would not go otherwise.

I do find it funny when DH stepmom complains that we are always taking DHs neice and nephew places but not his sepbrothers kids. Here is our answer, "they ahve a RICH uncle who could take then but instead decides not to. So next time ask him why he doesn't take them when he tells you about his next trip"

I will also add that we planned a huge family trip for next month to the world and just before payment was due SIL decided that since we weren't going to pay for her family to go that they didn't want to go with us. This caused a huge stink. But the 3 of us, plus my parents, and my brother and future SIL are all going as we each ahve apid our own ways.

So while i can't offer any advice I can offer my sympathy as I can relate. Just hang in there. You work for your money and are free to dow ith it as you choose (just like they do).

 

[lauritagoddess]

I don't have family asking for money thankfully, but have gotten the judgemental questions about how I spend my money. Before my DS was born I was a huge traveller, from the time I was in college. I would work almost full-time when I was in college and save my money and travel on it. When I got my first job out of college my boss who was also a travel junkie advised me to start an account and have an automatic allotment from my salary so money from every paycheck would go into and just use that for travel. It was the best advice I ever got it and I gradually increased the amount of the allotment over the years and it paid for many trips. I only just started going back to Disney this year (went when I was a kid and as a young adult, but hadn't been back since the 90s) and we went in March and are going back in December and I already have us booked on a cruise for November 2007. My family thinks I'm insane. To them Disney is a once in a lifetime or at least a big trip you take once and then not again for years. They cannot understand how I could "waste" money going back twice in one year. We had a good time, that's why we're going back. And it's my money, I earned it, and if I choose to spend it on Disney, then what business is it of theirs? I think unless you're someone who vacations/travel are a big deal to, that other's don't get it. A new car, a big screen TV, or other big ticket items most people can understand. You buy them and you have them for awhile. I think others see travel as the ultimate luxury because you spend the money and it's so quickly over. But for me the memories live on forever and I also get such enjoyment out of the planning, almost more than the trip itself, so worth all the $$ I spend on it.

 

[Disneyrsh]

 

[OceanAnnie]

My uncle talked my grandmother into giving him power of attorney when she fell and hurt herself at the assisted living center.

He then cashed in over 100k of all her CD's, had her declared mentally incompetent, and put her in a medicaid nursing home.

He drove her over there in the truck he had bought with her money.

By the time I had found out what happened (I live 1500 miles away), my grandmother had realized what my uncle had done, had stopped eating, and was in a coma.

She died two weeks after I found out what had happened. He also took all her jewelry, and threw out all the photo albums from generations back.

If you don't stop these people from doing this, they will do it until you die.

I hope your uncle will one day know the damage he has done. It's a shame he can't be prosectued for what he did was a terrible crime.

OP, I wouldn't tell your family members anything about yourself, your family, your plans (especially trips to Disney). Nada. Zippo. It only adds fuel to the fire. If it were me, I'd stop any and all monetary gifts. I'd offer phone numbers to helpful resources. And if they ask, I'd give advice on how to help themselves.

The guilt thing can only be effective if you play along. I'd end it. You know there is no comparison in your lives. They do their thing. And you do yours. If they start chiding you for past trips (or get wind of upcoming trips) and start asking for hand outs tell them they can go to Disney too. But they are going to have to work for their own money (like you did) and save it to get there. Just be factual.

Stop giving them a sympathetic ear. There's no magic in paying your bills or getting to Disney. It's called hard work. I'd give them the bottom line in a skinny minute and they wouldn't be coming back with their hands out any longer. Sometimes you just have to be blunt.

 

[PrettyInTink]

My uncle talked my grandmother into giving him power of attorney when she fell and hurt herself at the assisted living center.

He then cashed in over 100k of all her CD's, had her declared mentally incompetent, and put her in a medicaid nursing home.

He drove her over there in the truck he had bought with her money.

By the time I had found out what happened (I live 1500 miles away), my grandmother had realized what my uncle had done, had stopped eating, and was in a coma.

She died two weeks after I found out what had happened. He also took all her jewelry, and threw out all the photo albums from generations back.

If you don't stop these people from doing this, they will do it until you die.

I can't believe someone would be that cruel! I am also amazed that there are so many of you going throught this same thing. Oh, and just found out that BIL borrowed $$$ from my MIL!!! She is on a limited budget! Thanks for all of your stories and comments. Nice to see I'm not alone

 

[emma'smom]

My MIL and FIL made fun of dh and I when we went to graduate school (instead of getting jobs) then had the nerve to ask us to give them money each month once we had good, professional level occupations. They have no idea what my dh (their own son) even does for a living...never even bothered to ask. My df finally explained it to them at my dd's baptism. We don't even tell them when we go away or when we buy something as we feel it is none of their business.

My parents, on the other hand, are proud of our accomplishments and we're so thrilled to take them to WDW next year. This time, the trip's going to be our treat (dining plan, two bedroom DVC, etc). They took me (and dh later) on trips for years as part of their role as "parent"...now their retired and we're the generation earning the money. I can't wait to treat them to a great time!

 

[babynurse1]

Both of my brothers go to WDW at least twice a year, and as you can see we go once every few years. I just wanted to let you know that there are well adjusted siblings in the world that don't ask for money and are glad that their siblings and their families are able to afford this luxury. Sorry it isnt the same for you. How you spend your hard earned money is noone else's business!!! Have fun and forget the freeloaders!

 

[Chris]

Well, I don't have family asking for money, but friends make comments about our vacations. I just tell them that we all choose to spend our money differently, and this is where we spend ours. Travel is a high priority to us. We have old (paid for) vehicles, and no debt except for our house. We spend very little beyond food and travel. And we lived in appts, duplexes etc. for years until we could COMFORTABALLY buy a house, rather than stretching our budget from the beginning and growing into it. Even then we bought the cheapest house that worked well for us. We qualified for about twice what we wanted.

I know that SOME people truly have money for the necessities, but most are choices. The annual budget for my BIL's smoking habit would pay for our Disney trip, but he needs money from Grandma constantly. Yes, my dh has a better job than my BIL, but my dh has EARNED his job and has made wise life choices.

BTW, my BIL moved in with us once. It only lasted 3 days. I didn't wait on him hand an foot, and I yelled at him for leaving his dirty underwear in MY bathroom only an hour after he got there, lol! He had his own bathroom.

UGH! Just this weekend, we've had 3 sets of friends ask if we'd won the lottery since we much be *rich* to be able to go to Disney for almost 3 weeks!!! Grrrrrr

 

[xtinkerbellax]

It's all about priorities. Disney family vacations is our priority. My family and former friends would always say ''you're so spoiled, you're so rich, etc." Some ppl think buying expensive clothes is a priority, some ppl think buying a fancy car or house is a priority, w/ my family we think going to Disney is a priority. It's all how you look at things. I think that's one of the most important life-lessons I've learned.

 

[disneyeveryyear]

SIL1 called again this week. The needed $. They only reason she calls is for money. Is it our fault that she married an idiot who now is on disability from Wal-Mart and has no money from child support? You make my decisions and now I am supposed to pay for it?

When DH didn't come up with the $ immediately, SIL2 called too telling him how awful he is for not giving $ to SIL1. What business is it of hers? She borrowed $ from SIL1 and never paid it back, but we need to give her money?

When DS started asking about extra expenses, cell phone, fake nails, hair a different color every month, SIL1 told him that wasn't really his business. He explained that when you start asking us for $, it is our business.

I hate dealing with in-laws!

P.S. Each SIL got 45% of mom's estate while DH and his DB each got 5%. Yet, they come to us for $. Unreal.

 

[lookingforward]

SIL1 called again this week. The needed $. They only reason she calls is for money. Is it our fault that she married an idiot who now is on disability from Wal-Mart and has no money from child support? You make my decisions and now I am supposed to pay for it?

When DH didn't come up with the $ immediately, SIL2 called too telling him how awful he is for not giving $ to SIL1. What business is it of hers? She borrowed $ from SIL1 and never paid it back, but we need to give her money?

When DS started asking about extra expenses, cell phone, fake nails, hair a different color every month, SIL1 told him that wasn't really his business. He explained that when you start asking us for $, it is our business.

I hate dealing with in-laws!

P.S. Each SIL got 45% of mom's estate while DH and his DB each got 5%. Yet, they come to us for $. Unreal.

Your poor husband (and you too!)! Seriously, I would never mind helping someone in a crisis but fake nails, hair appointments, etc. Oh my GOSH! It seems your two SIL's mother did them a diservice by leaving them everything. She might have thought she was helping the "needy" ones but she was just making them more needy.

 

[BuzzNutt]

This is unfortunate and I was in this situation with my younger sibs a few years ago. My husband has his own medium sized construction business and like you he works hard everyday and isn't sitting in an airconditioned office all day. He is in the ditch digging and sweating for the life we live. I finally just said nope sorry can't help. I have my own financial responsibilities to worry about. It took a few times but it has now stopped.
I hope you can find a way to stop it for you!
Good luck and enjoy all you work hard to enjoy!

 

[mom2my3kids]

I live by my signature..

 

[PrettyInTink]

I just can't believe some people. I find that most people that have $$$ problems ALWAYS wear new clothes, have nails done, hair done etc. I live frugally to be able to afford these trips. I want to tell people that ask for $$$ that if my dd19 pays her own way as far as housing goes, maintains her own car, and still has $1700 in her savings account while going to college full time THEY CAN TO! That's just how she was raised, to be independant. Now, I'm not some high and mighty person who has never had to borrow $$$ before but I always pay it back in a timely manner because its just the right thing to do. My mil who is the kindest and most giving person in the world is constantly being taken to the cleaners by he oldest son, my bil. I feel so sorry for her because she wants him to get his life together but he keeps screwing up. His wife is lazy and won't work. She had a good job at Wal-mart and quit it because of whatever reason. She proceeds to eat out EVERYDAY at a chinese restuarant in their area. They no longer have kids at home and have grandchildren, so thank the good lord they have no kids that have to suffer through their actions anymore. I just wish someone would print t-shirts that say "The family bank is closed-PERMENANTLY". I would bend over backwards to help this people if only they would help themselves...

 

[PrettyInTink]

Oh and I just have to mention this, while BIL makes comments about our vacations, our home (which is old and need lots of work), and the way we spend our $$$, he has also made the comment that OPRAH (one of my favorite people on this planet and a saint in my book) IS A RACIST because she only gives $$$ to "black people". WHAT? Oprah! What an idiot! Oprah gives $$$ to those who need it the most, I have never seen her favor race! I live in the heart of the civil rights movement and I was raised not to see color. People are People. Our kids are the same way. How could he make such an assumption? How narrow minded, just because Oprah wouldn't give $$$ to a bum like him. Sorry, this just sticks in my crawl....

 

[Tiggerlover48]

What? My children don't deserve to reap the benefits of my hard work and go on vacation to make memories that will last a lifetime for us?

I agree 100%. We spend our money however we want. We don't have a huge home or buy fancy cars (not that I don't want a Mustang Convertible!). I started my own home business just so I could afford vacations. And I got a Disney Visa card to earn points to help afford our vacations. I cut coupons, watch where we spend money and I don't buy a lot of things and I go to garage sales. My friend busts on me that for what I spent I could have a new roof or whatever. I tell her, I want to make lasting lifetime memories with my family, that's what's important to our family. Plus, I think she is jealous. He husband is a good saver, but he never spends money on his family for vacations. You can't take it with you!!!

 

[gwcollins71]

We have recently had it out with my FIL for asking for money. It has been going on for over 2 years now, since before hubby and I got married. FIL quits his jobs on a whim because he found the perfect "get rich" job that doesn't pan out. He quit working a part time floor job at home depot which paid his and my MIL's insurance. She's a diabetic so her bills alone made it worth it even if he wasn't making any money.

Then he went back to selling insurance... was doing ok working for a company... at least he had a base salary. Then he quit the company to go on his own and can't afford to buy the leads. The whole thing stinks.

Yes, we go to Disney. However we curtailed our dinners out greatly as well as our "extra" spending. Hubby's parents still go out for dinner and Margarita's every Tuesday night and dinner at least 2 other nights a week. He brings home about 300 a week on average delivering medical supplies. She can't work and for some reason he hasn't gotten her on disability (yes its real... she had a stroke a few years back and can't really be independent.)

BIL pays thier mortgage. Hubby was paying their gas, electric and MIL's scrips. FIL was still asking for gas money, etc. The last straw was at our daughter's bday party FIL asked hubby for $600 for car insurance and cell phone. Hubby told him that he didn't get married so his wife would have to work to support them. I was impressed. Hubby doesn't say things like that often.

We haven't told them that we are going to Disney or that SIL and her family are meeting us there. All holy heck is going to break loose then.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Gretchen