family members coming empty handed

[ez]

We have had Christmas eve and Christmas day at my house for 18 years now. Its my husband and I, our 3 kids, my parents, and my brother (single)who is now in his 40's. I don't know why but it is especially bothering me today that my brother always arrives empty handed. He owns a successful local business and lives in an exclusive neighborhood so its not like money would be an issue, and anyway, even a 5.00 bottle of wine would be fine or cookies or just anything. Also after we eat I have never seen him so much as put his plate by the sink so nothing there either. He will eat heartily and stay over till late at night eating and drinking. We all know how much time and expense it is to put holiday dinners together, and I guess I am just over his lack of contribution. I have never said anything, but I feel like he certainly knows better, he is a businessman, and if it were anyone elses house but mine he would definitely be bringing something. (This year for Christmas Eve we ordered party platters from a local restaurant, it was awesome but of course expensive) My parents always bring some stuff so no problem there. But with my brother, I guess I'm feeling a little taken for granted and over it. I was looking for a little feedback on this, am I being too grinchy???

 

[anniemae]

I understand how you feel, but have you asked him to bring something? Some folks need a little prodding. Next time, simply tell him what you need him to bring. You will feel better and wont be stewing about it. He probably has no idea you are bothered by it.

Personally, I hate showing up somewhere empty handed. I always ask what I can bring, and if the hostess says, "nothing" I still bring a little something like a bottle of wine or a dessert.

 

[jam217]

Nope, you are not being too grinchy. I have a brother who is 47, single, and also never brings anything to family dinners. He has two houses and is well off financially so it's not a matter of him not being able to afford it. I absolutely agree that it is rather annoying.

 

[wiigirl]

My brother was like that, he is totally clueless when it comes to stuff like that.

What my husband did was just kinda tease him about being a "sponge" one year.....he totally picked up on it and started pitching in.

 

[zurgswife]

My theory is most men are clueless when it comes to that kind of stuff. And in most cases it's the woman behind the man that makes that kind of stuff come out. Next year make sure you ask him to bring something or pitch in to help....then if he doesn't bring anything you can get your feathers in a ruffle....

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I understand how you feel, but have you asked him to bring something? Some folks need a little prodding. Next time, simply tell him what you need him to bring. You will feel better and wont be stewing about it. He probably has no idea you are bothered by it.

Well said. I agree with this.

 

[jennyjinx3]

We have had Christmas eve and Christmas day at my house for 18 years now. Its my husband and I, our 3 kids, my parents, and my brother (single)who is now in his 40's. I don't know why but it is especially bothering me today that my brother always arrives empty handed. He owns a successful local business and lives in an exclusive neighborhood so its not like money would be an issue, and anyway, even a 5.00 bottle of wine would be fine or cookies or just anything. Also after we eat I have never seen him so much as put his plate by the sink so nothing there either. He will eat heartily and stay over till late at night eating and drinking. We all know how much time and expense it is to put holiday dinners together, and I guess I am just over his lack of contribution. I have never said anything, but I feel like he certainly knows better, he is a businessman, and if it were anyone elses house but mine he would definitely be bringing something. (This year for Christmas Eve we ordered party platters from a local restaurant, it was awesome but of course expensive) My parents always bring some stuff so no problem there. But with my brother, I guess I'm feeling a little taken for granted and over it. I was looking for a little feedback on this, am I being too grinchy???

OMG my brother is the same. One year I DID ask him to bring something. He asked what, I said how about a six pack of beer? The holiday dinner arrives and he still shows up empty handed. I asked him where the beer was and he replied "Why would I bring beer....I don't drink."

UGH!@!?!? I replied "But maybe your hosts do....or the other guests!" To that he simply shrugged his shoulders and walked away.

Gotta love them.

 

[weeluvdisney]

I personally don't think you are being too grinchy. After yesterday and many other years I am ready to take my husband and kids away for Christmas from here on out. My sister in law is always late which holds up the meal. She always comes empty handed (never contributes to the meal) she has never returned the favor and invited us over to her house for any dinner let alone Christmas and this year she didn't even help do the dishes after my mother in law and I cooked everything. I just can't figure out how people don't know how inconsiderate this all is. 40 some years old and definitely 60 some years is is old enough to know better.

 

[bellarella]

Just ask him to bring something. When you are cleaning up, give him directions. Not worth making into an issue.

 

[married2mm]

My theory is most men are clueless when it comes to that kind of stuff. And in most cases it's the woman behind the man that makes that kind of stuff come out. Next year make sure you ask him to bring something or pitch in to help....then if he doesn't bring anything you can get your feathers in a ruffle....

I agree,of course it's not all men, but most likely the majority.
great plan above.

my dh also thinks it's ok to invite folk,with one days notice(!)and expect them to not be catered for,purely for our company to be enough for them!
nothing like a crazy last minute trip to the grocery store.

 

[Keli]

I would just start calling him a week or so before an event and requesting he bring something that I know we'll need or want, drinks or a dessert from a local bakery or whatever. He is probably just clueless and wouldn't mind bringing something but has no idea what would be appropriate or appreciated.

 

[eliza61]

We have had Christmas eve and Christmas day at my house for 18 years now. Its my husband and I, our 3 kids, my parents, and my brother (single)who is now in his 40's. I don't know why but it is especially bothering me today that my brother always arrives empty handed. He owns a successful local business and lives in an exclusive neighborhood so its not like money would be an issue, and anyway, even a 5.00 bottle of wine would be fine or cookies or just anything. Also after we eat I have never seen him so much as put his plate by the sink so nothing there either. He will eat heartily and stay over till late at night eating and drinking. We all know how much time and expense it is to put holiday dinners together, and I guess I am just over his lack of contribution. I have never said anything, but I feel like he certainly knows better, he is a businessman, and if it were anyone elses house but mine he would definitely be bringing something. (This year for Christmas Eve we ordered party platters from a local restaurant, it was awesome but of course expensive) My parents always bring some stuff so no problem there. But with my brother, I guess I'm feeling a little taken for granted and over it. I was looking for a little feedback on this, am I being too grinchy???

Sorry but yes you are being grinchy.

1) their income should have nothing to do with it. YOU hosted dinner at your house.

2) I'm assuming you extended the offer for dinner. Never make an offer you can't afford. You know the price of food before going into the dinner.

3) This is just like giving a gift then telling the gift receiver how to use the gift. A gift and dinner invitation (unless stated at the time of the invitation) is supposed to be from your heart because you want to see the person but it seems you expect guest to bring some thing.

Sorry, but when I host dinner or a party I don't expect anyone to bring any thing. I provide the refreshments and the food. Some people ask can they bring some thing and most of the time I say no but all I ask of my guest is that they come.

 

[eliza61]

I would just start calling him a week or so before an event and requesting he bring something that I know we'll need or want, drinks or a dessert from a local bakery or whatever. He is probably just clueless and wouldn't mind bringing something but has no idea what would be appropriate or appreciated.

Isn't that called a pot luck?

And do you call all the other guest and tell them to bring some thing or do you only ask the people who you deem can afford it?

I don't know why but I would be seriously offended if my sister called me a week before and said "hey I'm having Christmas dinner but I need you to pick up the tab for dessert and it shouldn't be a problem because you've got the dough".

Guess I'm just from the school of "don't buy stuff you can't afford" and don't have parties you can't afford.

 

[RitaE]

Next time just ask him to pick up a couple things of coke and some other soft drinks.

Something no fuss that he can easily do.

 

[bellarella]

Isn't that called a pot luck?

And do you call all the other guest and tell them to bring some thing or do you only ask the people who you deem can afford it?

I don't know why but I would be seriously offended if my sister called me a week before and said "hey I'm having Christmas dinner but I need you to pick up the tab for dessert and it shouldn't be a problem because you've got the dough".

Guess I'm just from the school of "don't buy stuff you can't afford" and don't have parties you can't afford.

Normally I agree, but families and the holidays are different. If one family member "hosts" every year, then other members should do more than just show up.

 

[MIGrandma]

Next year I would just ask him to bring something, but be specific on what you'd like him to bring.

As far as helping to clean up I don't know many men who would do that on their own without prodding.

I do understand how you feel though, especially with regards to cleaning up after dinner. We had two holiday celebrations this year, with the second one being on Christmas Day and just having my Mom out to our house for dinner and the afternoon so she wouldn't be alone.

After dinner, my husband took the task of taking all the meat off the turkey carcass and I put the meat into containers for the frig and freezer. I was also washing dishes at the same time. My Mom had disappeared into the family room, but came into the kitchen "wondering what we were doing." She could plainly see we were both working on cleaning up after the meal, but she didn't even offer to help with dishes. I suppose I could have thrown a dish towel at her and said "hey, could you dry?" but I didn't. It did kind of bother me that she didn't even offer to help at all.

I couldn't go to someone's home and not offer to help clean up.

 

[eliza61]

Normally I agree, but families and the holidays are different. If one family member "hosts" every year, then other members should do more than just show up.

why? I assuming that the family member who is "hosting" wants to do it? They know or have some indication of how much it cost right?

Like I said I just don't believe in giving gifts (dinners etc) with strings attached. If you can't afford or are going to kevitch about the cost and the fact that guest aren't bringing stuff, then don't host.

What's the purpose behind Christmas dinner? In my house its to see loved ones and friends.

 

[WDSearcher]

We have had Christmas eve and Christmas day at my house for 18 years now. Its my husband and I, our 3 kids, my parents, and my brother (single)who is now in his 40's. I don't know why but it is especially bothering me today that my brother always arrives empty handed. He owns a successful local business and lives in an exclusive neighborhood so its not like money would be an issue, and anyway, even a 5.00 bottle of wine would be fine or cookies or just anything. Also after we eat I have never seen him so much as put his plate by the sink so nothing there either. He will eat heartily and stay over till late at night eating and drinking. We all know how much time and expense it is to put holiday dinners together, and I guess I am just over his lack of contribution. I have never said anything, but I feel like he certainly knows better, he is a businessman, and if it were anyone elses house but mine he would definitely be bringing something. (This year for Christmas Eve we ordered party platters from a local restaurant, it was awesome but of course expensive) My parents always bring some stuff so no problem there. But with my brother, I guess I'm feeling a little taken for granted and over it. I was looking for a little feedback on this, am I being too grinchy???

Sorry, but I'm with the "you're being a grinch" people.

If you want him to bring something, ask. If you want him to help clean up, ask. When I have dinner parties, I ask people to bring donations for the local animal shelter in lieu of any bottles of wine, plates of cookies or other hostess gifts. But if someone shows up without the requested donation, they still get to eat.

You keep mentioning the money -- party platters were expensive, he's got money, etc. If you can't afford to host the whole gang, then either cut down your invite list or make it a pot luck and have everyone bring something. You say that you're "over his lack of contribution", but it doesn't appear as though you ever asked him to contribute.

When I'm invited to someone's house, I assume it's because they want me there, not because they need me to help fill out the meal.

 

[ez]

I don't really host because I want to I more or less am stuck with it. My parents can't go thru the trouble and my brother won't I guess. So it's not really like I am throwing a party it's more like we are having Christmas with my family (hubby and kids) and my parents and brother assume they are coming. Its like "what time should we come over" rather than me asking if they want to. Like yesterday I didn't even invite my brother my mother said she texted him and told him they were on their way. So he was technically never invited by me, just sayin.

 

[WDSearcher]

Next year I would just ask him to bring something, but be specific on what you'd like him to bring.

As far as helping to clean up I don't know many men who would do that on their own without prodding.

I do understand how you feel though, especially with regards to cleaning up after dinner. We had two holiday celebrations this year, with the second one being on Christmas Day and just having my Mom out to our house for dinner and the afternoon so she wouldn't be alone.

After dinner, my husband took the task of taking all the meat off the turkey carcass and I put the meat into containers for the frig and freezer. I was also washing dishes at the same time. My Mom had disappeared into the family room, but came into the kitchen "wondering what we were doing." She could plainly see we were both working on cleaning up after the meal, but she didn't even offer to help with dishes. I suppose I could have thrown a dish towel at her and said "hey, could you dry?" but I didn't. It did kind of bother me that she didn't even offer to help at all.

I couldn't go to someone's home and not offer to help clean up.

Maybe your Mom figured that she'd done enough of the clean-up work while you were kids and that it's your turn now. Age does have its advantages, after all!

But same thing here as in the OP -- if you want help, ask. When I was a kid, we left all the dishes until after the company left. We'd scrape dishes and stack things in the sink, but never did any dishes or loaded the dishwasher until after everyone had gone home for the evening. My parents would have considered it rude to leave company in the living room while we immediately cleaned the kitchen. So your Mom wondering what you were doing seems normal to me. No way would we have been in the kitchen cleaning up with grandma sitting alone in the living room, and no way would we have expected (or asked) her to help.