Family meals - clean up

[rigs32]

When my dad and step-mom host a family dinner, as soon as people have stopped putting food in their mouths, step-mom has a compulsion to put the food away and clean up RIGHT NOW! No lingering over coffee/tea, no allowance for conversation. We must clean up now.

Not only that, but I will sometimes get "yelled at" (more or a scolding) for not jumping up and helping this instant. It is only me - none of the men or her kids - who get scolded. Suprisingly, she never lifted a finger when she came to our house for Turkey Day this year. Hmmmm.....

Does anyone else find this strange? Not just the compulsion to clean right away, but also the edict that a guest will clean when the host demands it, no matter if I was going to help once finishing my tea or conversation?

 

[Lil_Tink]

That is kind of rude.

 

[Stacerita]

I agree thats a little rude. First to clean up and not linger with the guests for a while is rude IMO. The guests come over more than for just the food. And then to demand that you (and not the others) help to clear is rude as well. You didn't mention if "her" kids were male or female. That might play into it a bit too. My family, even though they are claim to not be like that, they are very old school in that the women serve the men and do ALL the cooking and cleaning. I will do it, but not just because Im a woman. I like to. But dont assume because Im XX and not XY that I have to. That might be her though. Definately rude.

 

[rigs32]

Actually, her kids are female. But part of it is that they are so used to her, that they will drop whatever to help out. But if they don't, there is no talking to.

I am also very against requiring certain behaviors from each gender. She's very passive-aggressive, so I imagine this plays into it.

 

[Shugardrawers]

In my family the women cooked for days and then cleaned up immediately afterward. The men watched football. Thankfully I have a Dh who is more than willing to help. When guests come to my house I will clear the table when everyone gets up but I don't clean up until after they leave. The point of having guests is to spend time with them, not spend time in the kitchen.

 

[Christine]

My MIL is the same way (though not rude). She immediately goes into a big cleaning frenzy when the meal is done.

When I was first married, I always jumped up to help (and I HATED doing dishes right after the meal). But then I was "never doing things right" and always in the way. So now, I just go over there and sit on my big, fat butt and don't help anymore. And, I don't feel bad either. Alternatively, when she comes to my house I do not let her clean up.

 

[Tinijocaro]

My MIL is in the kitchen washing dishes while we are all waiting to take our first bite of food. We ALWAYS have to bug her to stop so our food doesn't get cold.

Jackie

 

[OhMari]

My MIL is the same way (though not rude). She immediately goes into a big cleaning frenzy when the meal is done.

She is even the first one done eating and she gets up and starts cleaning. She has 4 sisters and she told me how all her sisters got into a conversation on how lazy their daughter in laws are after a meal and they don't help with the clean-up.

So now whenever I am done eating-at least 15-20 minutes after my mil is done, I get up and help her finish the dishes.

Best part-when we are done-I tell the family "time to go" and we leave. I don't think she really cares, she just usually wants her house back to being neat and tidy.

 

[Disney Doll]

I usually clear the table, and set the dishes in the kitchen. For a big holiday meal, since I need some of the dishes later in the meal (ie-salad plates are also dessert plates), I will quickly load the dishwasher(and I do mean quickly, I practically throw the dishes into it!!)and turn it on so they are clean for the next time they're needed.

Other than that though, major clean-up is done after guests leave.

 

[rigs32]

all her sisters got into a conversation on how lazy their daughter in laws are after a meal and they don't help with the clean-up.

And I bet there was no mention of having their sons help.....

 

[SetzKitten]

This brings back memories. Growing up, at my grandfather's house, the vaccuum cleaner was out and running before dessert was done.

 

[luv2nascar]

I don't believe it is proper etiquette to serve coffee/tea/dessert while dirty dishes are on the table. I feel the table should be cleared (dishes don't have to be washed in the kitchen) before dessert is served. This is the way we all do it. I prefer to clean/clear up at my home and don't expect anyone to help. Thus I'm not the great helper at anyone else's house. T'giving is the exception I do help my mother as much as I can. Extra big meal and extra big mess.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I agree that it's very rude to expect people to jump up before they've even had a chance to finish their tea. Also, to comment to you without commenting to everyone is beyond rude.

I think if I were you I would head it off at the pass--as she's getting up, before she has a chance to say anything to you, tell her that you'd love to help as soon as you finish your tea. Say something before she has a chance to and it will take the air out of her sails.

As to clearing the dishes before having coffee/tea, I would say it depends of the tea/coffee are part of the dinner drinks, in which case I would say to finish the drinks before clearing or if they were served after people have finished eating, in which case while some people are getting the drinks, others could be clearing the dirty dishes (not washing dishes, just clearing and maybe putting them in the sink to soak if that would help cleanup later.

 

[Swimnoid]

Reminds me of my neighborhood. We have 4-5 families who get together for most holidays. There are a couple of real neatniks in the group. No matter whose house we are at those two will clean up before, during, after the party. Last night they did 3 loads of dishes in the dishwasher while we were still sitting around! Fine with me!

 

[olena]

I guess I'm one of those Git 'R Clean folks. We've never done tea or coffee after dinner. I won't jump up right away with my last bite going down, but I hate knowing that there's a mess in my kitchen. After I get it cleaned up, I can relax.

 

[Keli]

I think your step mom has a different way of doing things and she's probably thinking you are lazy for not stepping to it when she does. Personally, I like to sit at the table and chat for a couple of minutes after a family meal. I wouldn't be quick to jump up and end the comraderie either. What she's doing is rude but you really can't change her or her habits.

You've got a couple of choices here, you can stand up the minute she does whether you are done or not, or as someone else suggested, you can say something to her along the lines of "I'll help you in just a minute, as soon as I've finished my coffee/tea". I agree with another poster that you really should say something to her first before she can say something to you. That will probably forstall both of you getting aggrivated at the other.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If we are having a sit-down meal... (other than a kind of halfway chaotic pot-luck) I think it is nice to clear the table and have it set up nice for the dessert/coffee!

I have no problem with a little clearing and cleaning.... But, to jump up immediately and chastise the guest!!!!

Now, when it is not a holiday occasion.... just a visit to the inlaws, I am the first one up, the faster I help clear the table and wash dishes, the quicker I am outa-there!!!

 

[momx2]

My parents are the same way. They use all fine china and silver so everything must be washed by hand. My dad is up and cleaning before everyone is done. I'm telling him to come and talk with us and then before you know it my mom is in there cleaning. So, me and my DSis have to help, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I would much rather sit around and visit. By the time my dad is done, he'll come into the family room and everyone else will be about ready to leave and he's like, where's everyone going? We've been here for hours!!!!! Drives my nuts.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

As much as I agree that it's rude, I think it's only rude because of the timing and what is said. I cannot imagine being at a family dinner and not pitching in. If it's a non-family dinner I always help out, but it's not expected (or shouldn't be) like for a family dinner.

We're in a dinner group and a couple of the women start cleaning up the kitchens when they are guests. I don't mean clearing stuff or maybe rinsing, but loading the dishwasher and washing other stuff by hand. I'd rather do those things myself. But for family I would expect that everyone would help out.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We clean after the meal. I don't yell at people that is very strange or controlling, I suppose.

I am sure it isn't the only thing she is rude about, right?